Since DH and I don't have kids, our nephews/nieces will inherit. DH's sister has been dating a man for about 2 years and is pregnant, due in October. She said they plan to get married next year.
Once the baby is born, we will change our will to include this nephew.
However, the BF has 3 sons from a previous marriage, ages 20, 16, and 13. At what point, if ever, do you think we should add them to our will?
Should we add them after SIL and BF get married? What if SIL and BF don't get married, but stay together? Would you wait until they'd been together a certain amount of time? And regardless of SIL/BF's marital status - Do you think our own relationship to the boys should be a factor? We've only met them once. I'm guessing we'll see them 1-2 times a year, and then they'll be grown and presumably out of the house, so I don't expect to develop much of a relationship with them.
For me it would depend on whether SIL and BF get married and also if you have any relationship with the step-kids. If they never marry, I wouldn't include them. If they do marry but you don't have a relationship with them, I wouldn't include them.
Anecdote: MH and I are childfree. Our wills leave everything to our nephews (MH's brother's children). My mom and stepdad got married when I was an adult; stepdad has a son who has two kids (so our step-niblings)- I've met them twice. They're not in our wills at all.
Post by sicilygirl on Jun 27, 2024 12:15:46 GMT -5
I personally would not include grown children that had no blood relation to myself or my husband. It would be different if they were young. But unless I had a close relationship with them, I wouldn’t include them.
I would do specific gifts to the 3 previous kids if you are feeling generous, but I'd also base that on your relationship with them. You can always say so long as Sister and BF are married, 3 kids get $ gifts and otherwise the gift fails and goes to Niece/Nephew or even a charity. This most likely will cause strife with sister/BF due to different treatment.
Money brings out the worst in people. Even if it is based on a bunch of what if's.
1) siblings' kids (i.e. any kids that are your or your H's biological or adopted nieces/nephews), and 2) any other kids that you have a meaningful relationship with.
For you 2) might be your H's sister's boyfriend's kids from a prior relationship, if you get to know them and there's a relationship there. But I would not automatically name those kids based on their parent's marriage to my sibling or sibling-in-law. Maybe a relationship grows, maybe not. Maybe you get to know them, maybe you don't. You can always add them later if the spirit moves you to.
Post by wanderingback on Jun 27, 2024 12:23:00 GMT -5
It would not cross my mind to include them.
Not exactly the same but my dad got remarried a few years ago and his wife’s kids are about 20 years younger than me. I pretty much have no relationship with 1 of them and the other I exchange pleasantries with a few times a year. I would never think to include them in my will.
I think it totally depends on your relationship with them. If you get close to any or all of them, to the point you start thinking of them as your nephews and not as “Bill’s son(s) from his first marriage”, I would include those you think of as your nephews. We are in this boat a bit. BIL married a woman with 3 minor kids. Two we think of as our niece and nephew (our niece passed away, but we think of her son as our great nephew). The other is most definitely “R’s bitchy daughter from her first marriage” and her kids are “R’s grandkids.” And the kids were all young minors when the marriage happened.
Post by plutosmoon on Jun 27, 2024 12:36:44 GMT -5
In this case, I'd leave them out unless you develop more than a superficial relationship with them.
My sister and her husband don't have kids, they aren't even leaving their estate to all the bio nieces and nephews. They determined their money should go to someone they have a strong relationship with, in their case my DD along with some organizations that are meaningful to them. They have at least a dozen or so bio and step nieces/nephews, they only considered the relationships when determining their wills.
It's your money, you have no obligation to leave it to people you don't really know, regardless of family ties.
I have no personal experience with step families but based on what you describe I see no reason to leave them anything at all. Maybe if years down the road you've developed a close relationship with them or even with your sister's BF I might consider changing it, but not right now. Who knows if they will even be in your life in a few years at all?
Post by mysteriouswife on Jun 27, 2024 12:50:42 GMT -5
I’m sole beneficiary to an estate and my brothers are not included. I was shocked when I discovered I was the sole. I just assumed others would be included. I think it’s up to you and the relationship you have. No one is entitled to the estate if you don’t feel you know them well. My youngest brother would be the step (half sibling) in my situation.
Do what you feel is best. There is no right or wrong here
I wouldn’t include them now or when the baby is born. If you develop a close relationship with them in the future, then you can add them, either as an equal share or a designated amount.
What is your giving relationship like with them now? Do you currently send them birthday or Christmas gifts?
What is your giving relationship like with them now? Do you currently send them birthday or Christmas gifts?
We don't give birthday gifts to anyone. We didn't give them Christmas gifts last year because at that point, SIL and BF had only been together 1 year and no one in the family had met the boys. But I expect we will send them Christmas gifts this year.
I'll admit that I'm surprised by these replies! I thought there would be a lot more, "They're a part of the family, they should be included" - especially if SIL/BF get married.
This situation has also made me think about what makes a person "family." There are a lot of replies in here saying that we should take into account the quality of our relationship with the boys - and while that was also my first thought, it's opening a whole internal can of worms for me because we have adult niblings who won't even text us back when we ask direct questions, and it's like, "Okay, what kind of relationship is THAT?".
I dunno. I know it's our money and we can do what we want with it. But it feels not-right to dole out inheritances based on, basically, how we feel about each person. Like they have to earn our gift.
it feels not-right to dole out inheritances based on, basically, how we feel about each person.
I think that's all it should be based on, honestly.
I also feel this way about maintaining a relationship with family members (like, just because we share DNA doesn't mean you're entitled to my time or energy) so make of that what you will.
I can’t imagine leaving money to people that I have only met once or people who don’t answer a text message when you ask them a direct question (barring teens maybe who haven’t learned how to communicate yet).
I get you want it to be fair which is great but I think maybe a few extra parameters might be helpful.
I wouldn't even consider it unless/until your sister marries the dad.
That sounds like it will be a few years out, so I guess I'd make a determination then as to whether they are part of your lives or not.
But based on what you are describing, that this will be a "see you once a year" relationship for a couple years, at best-- I don't think I'd feel any obligation to include them.
Like others have said, unless I had a close relationship with them and sister married their dad I would not include them.
I don’t think anyone, regardless of relation to the deceased, should feel they have a right to someone’s inheritance.
Eta: I keep seeing people write ‘nibling’ instead of ‘sibling’ is this a typo or did I miss something?
Nibling is a term used by some members of the non binary community as a non gendered term for niece/nephew. But not all non binary folks use or prefer it (my older two are both non binary and both actively dislike it and ask others to please not use it), so I would check before using it.
Post by penguingrrl on Jun 27, 2024 13:56:39 GMT -5
I would say that if you develop a relationship with these kids and want to leave something to then it would be incredibly kind and appreciated, but that leaving something to someone is never necessary.
Post by aprilsails on Jun 27, 2024 14:40:29 GMT -5
I identify as the step children in this scenario (I have step grandparents on on both my stepdads side and my stepmoms side). My stepdads parents I had seen only a few times in my life. I had known them since I was 16. I didn't receive anything and did not expect to do so.
My stepmoms family has been close to mine for much longer. A great aunt (who I knew well) gave out $10k per grandkid one year as an early inheritance. It was a big to do at Christmas and we were in attendance. I didn't expect her money, and I don't expect an inheritance, but the delivery was a bit rough at the time.
I’m someone who has recently pushed my dad, to my own future detriment, to include his step grandchildren in his estate planning (including the ones whose parents we’ve not heard boo from since his diagnosis) and even I don’t think I’d go for this. I’d revisit in a few years though if something develops.
I would base it on relationship, if you get close to them down the road add them but if not then oh well.
Honestly we are struggling to decide how we want to split for us as child free adults. 1 have one biological nephew and H has 14 bio/adopted. In my mind bio/adopted are equal however our relationship isn’t the same with all 15 niblings. We have much closer relationships with some. Do we split 15 ways? Or do we just split based on the relationship we have with them? That means maybe only 1/2 would get something.
No way in hell I’m leaving any money to someone who doesn’t bother to return a text with a direct question in it. Like, I would seriously consider removing my own kid from the will over that (although I would definitely give it time and space before making that decision if it was my own kid). But, a niece, cousin, etc, no way — unless this is specifically folks who are in their teens years or having some sort of major mental health crisis where I should consider extending some grace.