Psychology of money

[jobae1234]

I’m struggling with this and everyone gives me different opinions, so I want to ask some money minded people.

My husband has been out of work for 6 months with a head injury. He’s starting to look for part time consulting next week; we’ll see how long it takes to find work and how much he can make doing that. Very up in the air but the point is, help is on the way in some form.

When he got hurt I upped my work hours to bring in more money. I’m self employed so luckily I could do that. But it took a toll on me. My job is draining. My husband has been MIA because he’s recovering, so all childcare, housework, and meal stuff has fallen to me. This has eased in the last 6 weeks or so, but he still fatigues easily and is inconsistently available. Our budget got slashed to make ends meet so takeout, convenience foods, and the cleaners (the things that made being a business owner and a mom feel possible!) are all gone.

We’ve only used 20% of our emergency fund. PDQ numbers but we had a 50k emergency fund due to previous head injuries of his annd the awareness that this could happen, and we’re down to 41k. I consider this a massive success since just about all of our spending was on medical expenses.

Ok, so the point. I’m deeply burned out. I just took a week off work and it barely made a dent. I’m veering into clinical depression. I’ve been holding it together for everyone else for a long time at this point. I’m already on antidepressants and my therapist said spend your emergency fund, lol.

At what point do I loosen up the budget a little and pull from savings more? Maybe get the cleaners back, take more time off work, idk. Basically I’m struggling to use the emergency fund to take care of myself. Part of me wants to just hold on a little longer until he’s bringing in money again, and part of me can’t wait much longer. But like, people are poor all the time, long term, and they get by and find happiness so why can’t I?

To be fair to myself a big part of the burnout is that with head injury comes emotional volatility. I have to manage his feelings a lot. And my daughter is upset that her dad is hurt and upstairs sleeping a lot, so she’s acting out too. So I’m sort of holding it all together for everyone in every way.

[cricketwife]

Yes, you have permission to spend your emergency fund. Your family is in crisis. That is what the money is for.

[heygrey]

Spend the emergency fund. This is the exact situation you saved all that money for!

Look at it this way, too - if you don't spend some of it, YOU are going to end up in a position where you aren't able to work effectively to support your family anymore which will really put you in a bind.

How much does 6 or 12 months of a cleaner cost? Mentally spend that money. Give yourself a monthly allowance for take out. Consider that money gone. You can always stop these things again in the future, but right now they will make a noticeable improvement in your quality of life.

[wanderingback]

Can you take fmla?
Being a primary care taker is no joke.

During/after Covid when my partner lost all of his work overnight I’ve def become more of a cash hoarder even though there are other things I should prioritize like retirement. I finally told myself once we get to X amount of cash I’ll stop saving. It’s not a huge number considering our monthly expenses are about $16,000, but it makes me feel better.

All that to say, would it be helpful mentally to say we can spend until the e fund gets to $25k for example and then we’ll re-evaluate?

[spindle92]

Self-care is #1 in my book. If you are not OK, you can't be there for others.
It's ok to use that emergency fund and then when things are looking up, start rebuilding it again.

[ssmjlm]

Use the money. Take care of yourself.


Are you in any counseling together? I don’t know anything about head injuries, but it seems like you both could benefit.

[jobae1234]

Jul 6, 2024 17:40:46 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Can you take fmla?
Being a primary care taker is no joke.

During/after Covid when my partner lost all of his work overnight I’ve def become more of a cash hoarder even though there are other things I should prioritize like retirement. I finally told myself once we get to X amount of cash I’ll stop saving. It’s not a huge number considering our monthly expenses are about $16,000, but it makes me feel better.

All that to say, would it be helpful mentally to say we can spend until the e fund gets to $25k for example and then we’ll re-evaluate?

Self employed individuals in my state can’t opt into FMLA but I’ll keep my eye on that for the future!

ETA it’s true about being a caregiver, thanks for saying that.

[jobae1234]

Jul 6, 2024 19:19:08 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Use the money. Take care of yourself.


Are you in any counseling together? I don’t know anything about head injuries, but it seems like you both could benefit.

Surprisingly our marriage is super strong through all this, mostly because he’s incredibly grateful for all I’ve done and am doing and he’s trying to show it as much as possible. He’s in his own therapy which is helpful.

[sadlebred]

Spend the e-fund. That's why it's there! I'd pick the 2 more important things to you. Set a realistic budget to know how long the money will last.

Is there anyone you can call on to help? Your mom/his mom, a cousin, a mother's helper (hired teenager/college student), friends, church members?

[RockNVoll]

You put that money aside to take care of your family during hard times. Remember that you are part of the family too and need to be cared for as much as anyone else. It sounds like you're well past the point of needing to ("needing to," NOT "indulging in") get help given how long you've been shouldering everything. Spend the money; your well-being is more than worth it.

[konapoppy]

Not only should you spend some more of the emergency fund, but you should accept any and all help, and consider asking for it too. Maybe you already are, but if not, open up to friends and family and let them help you.

[minzy]

I’m sorry, that all sounds super stressful. I agree you should spend some money making things easier on yourself and removing variables that make things harder. I think if you want to “hold out” a little longer, you should put a date on it and then make different arrangements after that point to give yourself a release valve.

I am not in the same scenario exactly but my entire life is on hold right now due to my dad’s terminal illness (I have basically been living with him for the last two months, 4.5 hours from my house) and just today I decided I probably need to go home for a hot minute and that my sister should take a break too (offset from mine). That will involve either leaving 100% of his care to just one of us and/or our hiring home health aide(s), but I think it needs to be done for both of our sakes so we don’t lose our shit (we’ve both gotten close). I’m sure my dad and stepmother will balk at the cost but they are failing to recognize the pecuniary (as well as every other type of) burden it is on us/our families (i.e., my sis is on FMLA and isn’t getting paid for much of her time “off.”). It will be worth it I think whatever the cost to ease some of the stress, and I see the same for you too. Fingers crossed; I hope things get easier for you soon.

[aprilsails]

You've done an excellent job so far but you've reached the point where you are doing it at an excessive personal sacrifice. Bi weekly housecleaning for the next year will only take a small bite out of the emergency fund. Same goes for eating out once per week.

You being unable to work yourself, on the other hand, is likely catastrophic.

FIL had a TBI 18 years ago and the emotional toll is serious business. I've seen it first hand. Please give yourself permission to take some breaks. You don't have to do all the things.

Just a heads up that when FIL returned to working after 9 months he sundowned hard until he got used to it again. It took him a lot of effort to get through the shortened work week. I think he worked 6 hour days Mon-Thurs for the next year. MIL had a hard time because he was basically useless again at home for the first few months.

So yes, spend the emergency fund because these things aren't easy. Make what you can easier for yourself.

[jobae1234]

sadlebred konapoppy the help thing is something I’m still enraged about. My husband’s family is local and they basically refused to accept the severity of it. I reached out to his mother after a month of him being out of work injured with her not even asking how he is and said he needs support… she took us out to dinner once and that was it. She says things like “can’t you just push through?” Meanwhile her daughter gets a cold and she talks about it for weeks. Whatever. Zero offers of help. And she’s so insulting with her deliberate lack of understanding (she’s an executive, she could Google head injury) that I don’t want to rope her in more.

My mom said “I can’t believe MIL isn’t helping more! If it were you injured I’d be there every weekend helping!” Because she’s massively mysogenistic. I was so shocked that she would help him and not me in the same exact situation that I didn’t even reply.

Nobody asks how I am except my BFF, who is wonderful but not local. People occasionally ask how he is. A couple more friends ask how I am now, after I started saying “nobody even asks how I am” and they got the hint four months in.

I have no earthly idea why nobody has offered an ounce of help or concern but I’m really mad about it. I think I’m one of those people who looks like I have it all handled. I present as being really together. The curse of competence. Etc.

[macmars45]

jobae1234 could you be really candid with your local friends? Tell them how you are struggling and let them know the long road your H still has ahead of him. Maybe you don't want to though. Is there a local support group you could reach out to and get resources/support for families like yours?

[konapoppy]

Jul 7, 2024 8:20:26 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

sadlebred konapoppy the help thing is something I’m still enraged about.

I’m sorry, especially about the in laws. I recommend proactively telling people you are struggling and ask for help. I know it isn’t easy, but to your point, if you appear competent people may not realize you are drowning. Sorry if I missed this- does your husband still have an employer? If so, do they have an EAP available to spouses? Does his medical team have community support recommendations? I really hope you can get some relief.

[chpmnk1015]

Spend what you need for your emotional well being.. even if its just one thing- someone to clean 2x a month; or takeout one night a week..

Sending lots of vibes

[jobae1234]

Jul 7, 2024 9:36:28 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Jul 7, 2024 8:20:26 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

sadlebred konapoppy the help thing is something I’m still enraged about.

I’m sorry, especially about the in laws. I recommend proactively telling people you are struggling and ask for help. I know it isn’t easy, but to your point, if you appear competent people may not realize you are drowning. Sorry if I missed this- does your husband still have an employer? If so, do they have an EAP available to spouses? Does his medical team have community support recommendations? I really hope you can get some relief.

Oh that’s a whole fucking thing. He hit his head at work but had short term memory loss. Quit his job in a disoriented state and immediately tried to rescind it saying he was mentally compromised and they said “we accept your resignation” and wouldn’t let him take it back. He had been complaining about the fact that he was traveling nonstop (home 2 days including weekends in the 5 weeks between Tgiving and Christmas), and they said he wasn’t really committed anyway. I hope his boss rots in hell, and I never wish ill on anyone.

His case is stuck in a workers comp lawsuit nightmare right now. Or it would be a nightmare if we were broke. Luckily we aren’t.

[jobae1234]

To those saying I should ask local friends for help. What should I ask for? May be a dumb question.

I’m well aware that we have more money than many. Why should I ask them to spend their time before I spend my own money? This is partially a self imposed crisis to protect our finances. I’m not going to ask people to make us dinner, or clean our house, or whatnot. I honestly don’t know how to do this!

[tacokick]

Jul 7, 2024 12:32:45 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

To those saying I should ask local friends for help. What should I ask for? May be a dumb question.

I’m well aware that we have more money than many. Why should I ask them to spend their time before I spend my own money? This is partially a self imposed crisis to protect our finances. I’m not going to ask people to make us dinner, or clean our house, or whatnot. I honestly don’t know how to do this!

You don’t have to ask anyone for help. Sometimes “help” can turn into one more thing to manage.

If it was me and I had children, I would probably try to lessen the some work load around them—getting them into a carpool, if they are in a carpool asking if you can drop your share of the pick ups or whatever for a bit. Encouraging them to hang out with other people at their house and not host people yourself, that sort of thing.

[cricketwife]

Jul 7, 2024 12:32:45 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

To those saying I should ask local friends for help. What should I ask for? May be a dumb question.

I’m well aware that we have more money than many. Why should I ask them to spend their time before I spend my own money? This is partially a self imposed crisis to protect our finances. I’m not going to ask people to make us dinner, or clean our house, or whatnot. I honestly don’t know how to do this!

I think you should ask people to make you dinner! (Obviously, all of this is if you feel comfortable and have a local friend network to tap into.). Having dinner brought once or twice a week would be a huge help…one less thing to think about, organize, pay for etc.  Do you have a close friend that you could share with and let her make a meal train and spread the word for you?  I think people often want to help but don’t know what is needed or that it’s needed. 

Similarly, depending on your daughter’s age, I think it would be appropriate to give her a little more responsibility.  She sees what is happening in her family and likely feels powerless.  But you could share with her, “look, this is hard and the family has to come together to help each other. I need you to….(fill in with age appropriate activity). Take over your laundry, wash the towels, be in charge of loading or unloading the dishwasher,  vacuum the floors. I don’t know her age, but she may be Abel to contribute to solutions if you empower her to do so.  It could potentially help her to feel less powerless and help relieve some of your burden.  

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Please lean on us however you can. 

[konapoppy]

Agree with seeing if folks can take your daughter more. Does she have access to therapy or a support group?

You could definitely do a meal train. Meals are about more than money - it is planning even if you order out.

Do a laundry service if you can.

Are there any friends of your husband who bc a get him out for a bit? Maybe a boys trip?

All just ideas.

[sadlebred]

lasagnalove.org/ is a website where you can request a meal. You can make a donation if you feel moved. Do you belong to a house of worship? If so, reach out to the pastor/religious person to see if they have any resources or a meal train program. That will help take some of the burden off of food.

Also, if your kids are in all the activities, sports, scouts, piano, chorus, whatever....dial back a lot. They don't have to do everything. Maybe have them pick their favorite thing to keep doing. (I have no idea if this applies, just an idea.) Can you ship them off to a relative for a week or two this summer? Maybe your mom? Overnight week long camp to give you a break?

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this...especially your MIL. She should be the FIRST person to jump in since she's local. You are doing great! I'm sure your H is appreciative.

[minzy]

jobae1234 I would ask for help in ways that allow you to build a crease - a space between the point where you can still handle things and where you find you cannot. I imagine that looks different for everyone. The cleaning service, probably. Outsourcing lawn care. Hiring a high school
kid for babysitting, odd jobs, errands. Maybe that involves dropping your daughter off with your otherwise unhelpful family members (as long as it’s a safe place for her and I am so sorry that they all are so supremely unhelpful), and going to the gym and shopping. Or maybe ask the family of one of your daughter’s friends to take her for an afternoon or an overnight. Or ask a friend to coffee and share what is truly going on and see if that person has any local and specific ideas to ease your load. If I knew one of my friends was struggling as you are, I would try to help her as much as I could. As it is, I wish I could give you a hug and enter an appearance in your husband’s worker’s comp case!

I know it can be hard to accept help. In my absence right now my husband is doing everything with our family’s lives and starting to struggle a little with upcoming work travel. Despite the fact that I have built us a huge network at home and that literally 27 different people checked in on me in the month of June, he is still bending over backwards to manage almost entirely on his own. I am trying to encourage him to reach out to others or let me, but he is also trying to just muddle through, like I am here. If we knew how long we had to go, I think it would make the muddling through easier, but we do not know, so just need to pick a date and start making tentative alternate plans at that point. I think you should do the same with spending money to get help so that you feel like you have some control over part of your life.

I’m sorry again and I really emphasize with the caretaker role you’re in. You have it much harder than I do and I can confirm even my stuff is pretty tough. Hugs.

[simpsongal]

That's so much, use the e fund to help yourself. The toll of juggling everything and being the one that holds it together is massive. He may never know how much you did for him and your family, but we hear you.

I know folks often recommend something like a massage for these times. That could be helpful but I always found things like that temporary and stress of spending not worth it. But regular support like cleaning is hugely helpful and time off to just be alone and lay down.

[ellipses84]

Hire the cleaners back! That’s what, $5k / year at most? In a few months, if you feel like it’s too much money and you have more time, look for a cheaper cleaner or cut back to cleaning session half as often. We’ve had a lot of financial setbacks (including my DH having a TBI) and I’m at the point with my 8 and 13 year old that I think in terms of them becoming adults. Like, we only need a few more years in our house / school district and we could downsize or move somewhere cheaper if we had to. Yes, there will be college expenses we don’t fully have savings for because we prioritize our retirement, but we and they can take out student loans if needed.

There’s a lot of non-MM approved options beyond savings, if it helps to think of those backup plans. Medical debt / non-payment won’t be reported to your credit anymore and you can ask to be on a payment plan to spread out those expenses if needed. People take out 401k loans or take the money and pay a tax penalty. People use credit cards or take out personal loans if they don’t have emergency funds.

If people reached out to you a few months ago with offers to help, take them up on it with specific requests. For people local, it could be taking your daughter somewhere fun for an afternoon, dropping off a meal, asking someone to be a point person for these things so you don’t have to expend mental energy coordinating with a bunch of people, or asking a grandma or aunt that is actually helpful and brings you joy to fly and come visit (even if you use the emergency fund to pay for their flight). I have a neighborhood friend going through a divorce who finally reached out for help and I can tell you we are all happy to do whatever we can, and there’s enough people willing to help that it wasn’t a burden to anyone.

[macmars45]

Jul 7, 2024 12:32:45 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

To those saying I should ask local friends for help. What should I ask for?

Whatever will lighten your load. Rehire the cleaners, for sure.

A meal train

Someone taking your kid(s) for a few hours/a whole day/overnight

Grocery store gift cards

Also, does your H have friends who can step up and hang out with him?

[MDmomof2]

Sometimes when I'm in a tough spot I say "Can I throw money at this problem and make it go away?" You can lighten your load and get rid of a few tasks by throwing money at it, and you have the money to do so. DO IT!

[lindyanne]

Use the emergency fund, reach out to friends and family for respite care (both taking care of your husband and taking your daughter out of the situation) and setting up a meal train to take some stress off of you. Hugs.