frustrated (vent) (long)

[jennlin]

i know i've vented before, but here's another...

i really hate being "the responsible sibling". i feel like a snooty brat when i write it out, but here goes...in both my family, and h's family, we are the sibling that is more responsible, and makes enough money to support ourselves. parents are *supposed* to be 50/50, but in both of our cases, our parents heavily support the other sibling, and it's just not "fair".

my parents still pay for my brothers cellphone bill, occasionally pay for a flight for him to visit, they pay for his HOA bills on his condo, and bought him a buttload of baby stuff for their new baby. they took him on a shopping spree at BRU, and basically bought him whatever he needed. my parents do NOT make a lot of money, and cannot afford to do this, but they want to "provide" for their son. for us, they bought us a car seat (yes, we got the expensive one), but that was the end of it. anything else we talk about wanting/needing, they say "you guys make enough money, buy it yourself". which is true, yes, we can afford it. but it's not fair that my brother gets rewarded for his irresponsible money management. that's small compared to this:

my dad was talking to me today and said "i never got around to adding you to my life insurance after you were born...i should do that". um. a little lazy, don't you think? i'm almost 27 years old, and he never got around to it?? my brother is the sole beneficiary on my dad's life insurance. i told him to not worry about it, and add my daughter's name instead, and my brother's son, and remove my brother.

then my dad said "HYPOTHETICALLY, how would you feel if i gave your brother's son 75%, and your daughter 25%? you guys make a lot more money than your brother, and your daughter will be well provided for." of course i told him that was absolutely not fair, but it's up to him...he said he wouldn't do it, and still make it 50/50 between the grandkids, but i still think it's ludicrous to even bring up. parents should be 50/50, and that's it. there shouldn't be any special treatment for one or the other.

i get it, he makes less money than i do...but i worked hard to be where i am. i made sacrifices....he decided to move out when he was 18. he decided to work part time jobs instead of going to school. he decided to break the law and have a severe enough criminal record that prevents him from getting "real" jobs. he chose to have unprotected sex and KU a 19yo that didn't have health insurance.

it's just frustrating.

end vent.

[georgeharrison]

Jenn, I'm sorry. That does sound frustrating. James and I are the responsible siblings in our families, too, but it's much less severe. I hate the position it puts us is, so I can imagine how much more frustrated you must be.

75% 25% = unbelievable.

:N:

[emyinpink]

ugh, that would seriously piss me off. especially the 75% to 25%. it's one thing to help out your brother when he needs it. but that's ABSURD. ABSOLUTELY ABSURD.

DH and I are definitely the most successful in the family thus far, and my siblings are getting a lot more support in college than I did (they're basically paying for my sister's college completely, and they're helping my brother with his med school costs). and even though I'm doing well and don't need their money, it's still really frustrating.

[tacocat]

Sorry Jenn! That is crazy... We jokingly call my brother the "platinum child" but the 'rents have always been pretty fair with us.

At least it is because you are awesome though!

[sarack]

I am sorry! I feel like h and I work so hard for what we have and no one helps us either because we can do for ourselves. I almost feel punished for working hard...

[avila01]

I'm sorry, Jenn. I can relate a little bit. My brother and his wife live near my parents, and I know my parents help them out a lot. I know my brother only came to our wedding because my parents paid for his plane ticket and his hotel room. I would guess that if he comes out for our baby's birth (or shortly after), my parents will pay for his plane ticket. They've never paid for my plane tickets to go home and visit, and I make a point of going at least once or twice a year (and DH now comes, too). It's not that they've never helped me with anything (because they have), but I know they give him more than me.

That's already a little annoying, but it's not the end of the world since we don't need their help. But that insurance suggestion?? That's just ridiculous and rude.

[jennlin]

Thanks everyone for your support. I love that I can vent about anythong here.

[Deleted]

I totally get where you're coming from, but to play a little devils advocate I remember a conversations something along the lines of "I buy gifts based off of how much money people make/have because someone who doesn't have a lot is more grateful for a $50 as opposed to someone who has a lot isn't as excited by a $50 gift." or it was something along those lines.

I believe the same thought process applies in this case. I'm not saying that you aren't grateful or appreciative, but perhaps this is your dads thinking?

And for the record, I side eyed your above comment and I'm side eyeing your dad for his comment. I pink puffy heart you.

[jennlin]

So wait uw-- according to my theory above, shouldn't my parents spend less on my bro because he makes less money? He'd be thrilled for a $50 gift, whereas I can buy something $50 myself.

[picksthemusic]

I think you know that I know how you feel. We deal with this stuff on a regular basis.

[jennlin]

Oh wait, I get it, yah. My parents might choose to not help me at all because I don't appreciate their (small) gifts? I guess so. That does make sense.

A long time ago (when my bro was 16, I was 11), my dad bought my brother a car. He told me he'd buy me one when I turned 16 too. When I got to 15, my dad said the house was almost paid off, and I could drive hand me downs, and he'd buy me any car I wanted when I turned 19. When I was around 18, my dad decided to refinance his house. Some time when I was in my early 20's, my dad said that he'd buy me any car I wanted when I turned 30. The last few years sometime, my dad said that I could easily afford a much nicer car than he could ever afford, so we'll just scrap the whole thing.

(FWIW, my parents have bought my brother 2 cars and 2 motorcycles, and he's never driven a hand-me-down. I drive a hand-me-down and that's it.......yes, I got a car, but the comparison isn't "fair" as if life was fair at all.)

[jennlin]

May 20, 2012 11:18:55 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

I think you know that I know how you feel. We deal with this stuff on a regular basis.

Yes, I know- you have a very similar situation! *huggzz* sucks, doesn't it?