WWYD: Mom drama (long, sorry)

[spinnaker5]

Jul 19, 2024 16:39:49 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:03:04 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

getting close to her wanting to link arms/walk super close together and she didn't want to but didn't know how to say so at the time. But you're absolutely right.

So she feels like she can be more freely affectionate with my kids because they're MY kids. Which... is not right at all, I know.

Your DD did a great job standing up for herself by telling you this made her uncomfortable. Kids need to know they have a right to consent to being hand-held, arm-linked, whatever, by anyone, including family. I am NOT IN ANY WAY suggesting there was inappropriate behavior here - just that this is a really important skill your DD has (not to mention shows the strength of her relationship with you).

And another vote in favor of, get in touch the next time you need to, and say nothing about her lack of ability to manage her own emotions and put unfair burdens onto you and your DD. 

[mysteriouswife]

What is with older women calling teenage girls moody and hormonal? If I hear DD is dosing whatever because of hormones one more time I’m going to loose it. I bet DS won’t get the same BS.

Anyway. Like others said. This is on your mom. You cannot babysit feelings of others. You did what was best for your child.

[vamoose]

Jul 19, 2024 16:55:58 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:51:28 GMT -5 livinitup said:

CLASSIC. Such a classic older person reaction to the slightest hint that the people around them are well, people. I especially noted how she made it YOUR fault for how you said it. Because we all know that she wasn’t shocked and embarrassed at her own behavior. Oh, no! It was only shock and embarrassment at you and how you said it.

It’s clear to me that your mother absolutely puts you in charge of her feelings and managing how she feels. She said it. “You didn’t tell her right.” And she’s pushing that onto your daughter, too. “She should have just old me then.” Not once did you convey that she understood that other people have a right how they feel and she would be the one to adjust. It was ALL “you both have to worry about how I feel, worry about how I hear it, worry about how to tell me so I feel comfortable.”

Yup. The appropriate response should have been like 'Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I hope she knows I would never make her feel uncomfortable on purpose. I'll reach out to her and apologize and let her know she was right in telling you and that she did the right thing. How embarrassing - I'll be sure to work on that from now on.'

But. No. lol

I don’t even know that she has to fall all over herself apologizing. A simple “thanks for letting me know. I’ll give DD more space in the future.” Would be totally fine. Presumably they have been more physically close and affectionate in the past, your DD has changed her boundary but didn’t communicate that, now she has communicated her boundary (through you), so now your mom should change her behavior. That’s it! It should be no big deal.

[dglvrk2]

Jul 20, 2024 17:56:50 GMT -5 mysteriouswife said:

What is with older women calling teenage girls moody and hormonal? If I hear DD is dosing whatever because of hormones one more time I’m going to loose it. I bet DS won’t get the same BS.

Anyway. Like others said. This is on your mom. You cannot babysit feelings of others. You did what was best for your child.

This 100%!
I posted another thread that is quite similar to this thread's original post. My mom certainly has a tough time with boundaries. Growing up, if I pushed back on anything she wanted, it was met with a big blow up. I was a kid. I didn't know any better and I thought it was me. Like many of you, making a deliberate break away from my mom and years of good therapy eventually unscrambled all of this.

My mom continues to get really defensive if somebody, especially me or my sister (only sibling) advocates for themselves or children and the advocation contradicts what she wants or her agenda. My mom will either say a condescending"ok" or immediately defend herself in these situations.

I know this generation of women fought a lot for rights for our generation. Many, including my mother's set a fantastic example of being a working mom.

I really wish they would see that us advocating for ourselves or our children is not a criticism of their behavior as much as it is an effort to help them have better relationships with us and our children.

[eddy]

Jul 19, 2024 16:55:58 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:51:28 GMT -5 livinitup said:

CLASSIC. Such a classic older person reaction to the slightest hint that the people around them are well, people. I especially noted how she made it YOUR fault for how you said it. Because we all know that she wasn’t shocked and embarrassed at her own behavior. Oh, no! It was only shock and embarrassment at you and how you said it.

It’s clear to me that your mother absolutely puts you in charge of her feelings and managing how she feels. She said it. “You didn’t tell her right.” And she’s pushing that onto your daughter, too. “She should have just old me then.” Not once did you convey that she understood that other people have a right how they feel and she would be the one to adjust. It was ALL “you both have to worry about how I feel, worry about how I hear it, worry about how to tell me so I feel comfortable.”

Yup. The appropriate response should have been like 'Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I hope she knows I would never make her feel uncomfortable on purpose. I'll reach out to her and apologize and let her know she was right in telling you and that she did the right thing. How embarrassing - I'll be sure to work on that from now on.'

But. No. lol

It is such an easy thing for your mom  to just brush off "Oh well that makes sense, she is getting older. Awww how time flies." Period, end of discussion. That is all it is. Your daughter is getting older. Very naturally she now doesn't want to do physical touch stuff she might have totally been fine with when younger. It is not a character attack. It is what happens to all of us with passage of time. Your mom was so weird to make it about her. That isn't your job to fix!

[googled]

Ugh I am so familiar with that kind of response 🙄 You were absolutely right, and it says a lot that your daughter was able to come to you and let you know.

I wouldn’t extend an olive branch. I would remain firm on the boundary. Don’t let her paint herself as the victim.

[sparkythelawyer]

So, one of the things I work on with my NINE year old, when she's being a punk and slamming doors or otherwise having a fit, is that we are allowed to FEEL whatever we want. What we DON'T get to do is take our feelings out on the people guilty of nothing more than being in our presence.

Your mom has not learned she doesn't get to take her feelings out on people.

I agree with the posters that say call next time you would normally call and say nothing. If she wants to pick the scab, you can discuss with her that regardless of what she felt your approach "should" have been, your daughters feelings are valid and she is entitled to space and you feel no need to continue to rehash this. And then change the subject.

[mags]

I am stubborn as F so I would not reach out.

[MixedBerryJam]

Jul 19, 2024 16:03:04 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

Also, not super important to the story, but I know and have known zero 12 year olds that hold hands with adults. Most kids in my area stopped/stop around 10. Is that regional to hold hands with adults past 10 years old? 

ETA: Not saying it's good or bad if your DD still wants to, just maybe it's a weird thing for your MIL to be upset that your DD no longer wants to do.

Lolol walking my soon to school the first day of first grade he informed me that now he new was too old to kiss goodbye we could shake hands instead. 

[picksthemusic]

Small update: I have not reached out per se - but I have sent random texts and have not mentioned the conversation. She responds, but only with very short answers and no more. So, she's still being cold and distant. I don't think she's texted DD at all, nor has DD texted her.

I'm almost ready to send her an email (so she can't defend herself or interrupt), but then I remember it's on her to move on, not me. Trying to be strong haha.

I did talk with DD about how my mom responded to the conversation, and let her know that sometimes grown-ups from that generation have a hard time hearing things like this, but it's up to them to manage their feelings, and she has nothing to feel bad about, nor should this stop her from talking to her grandmother in the future. I told her that I know she didn't mean to make DD feel uncomfortable, that she loves DD, and she has a lot of things that happened in her past that makes it so she feels the need to be close to people and feel loved. But that doesn't give her the right to do things that other people don't like. I think it helped DD understand where my mom was coming from on an emotional level, and understand that people are complex and have lots of things in their past that make them who they are and change how they respond to certain situations.

[TR]

picksthemusic - I think you're handling this super well!

[picksthemusic]

Jul 29, 2024 12:27:14 GMT -5 TR said:

picksthemusic - I think you're handling this super well!

Thanks! I know you're right - it just feels weird and wrong to not be the one offering the olive branch. Messed up neglectful GenX childhood FTW! lol 

[tacokick]

I think how you are handling it sounds good! And it doesn’t sound like she is doing a total freeze so hopefully it will just naturally blow over soon.

[livinitup]

picksthemusic GenX reporting in & can confirm.

[eb777888]

Jul 29, 2024 13:09:38 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Jul 29, 2024 12:27:14 GMT -5 TR said:

picksthemusic - I think you're handling this super well!

Thanks! I know you're right - it just feels weird and wrong to not be the one offering the olive branch. Messed up neglectful GenX childhood FTW! lol 

I understand you. I feel like there's a weird expectation from that generation* that their adult children suck it up and just put up with their behavior, fall in line and the way I see it, eat shit. I'm not doing that. I used to think my dad is a narcissist, but I think he's just a boomer. 

*not all boomers! I know many that are loving and well adjusted. I have friends that have great, healthy relationships with their parents and I am sooo jealous. In case it needs to be said.