rosiebear,I have that same vow! In fact, XH and I decided when the girls were very young that the first year they both decide to spend a holiday elsewhere, that we would plan a vacation lol. My mom is such a bitch about spending every holiday together and it caused me soooooo much stress once we had kids. Why is celebrating on the exact day such an issue?
I also vow to never judge how they raise their children, if they have them, especially in the newborn stage. Advice and guidelines change all the time, and I will trust that my kids will be doing their very best. I'll only offer advice if they specifically ask for it.
Not sure what I’d do or say and maybe I’d keep my mouth shut but I would 100% judge if my daughter had kids and didn’t want them to get vaccinated or smoked around them or I don’t know, there’s a million bad parenting decisions that absolutely deserve judgement haha.
Ditto lol
I actually like how my mom and dad approached "issues" they had with our parenting. Or if they wanted to give advice. They were incredibly respectful when they thought we were doing something wrong (my dad was a little anxious about DH "tossing" DS in the air to get giggles) and my mom was really good at saying things like "well when you did X,Y,Z it was because you had an ear infection" so not in your face advice but a nudge.
I think we are just trying to remember to give DS space to make decisions and choices without micromanaging. We are trying to be subtle with life advice lol.
I will not leave them a physical mess of property. It’s a little on the nose for me right now with my dad’s terminal condition and my sister basically having a breakdown in frustration about it a couple of weeks ago. He will be leaving us so much stuff, much of which I know nothing about and some of which is dangerous. If I weren’t so damn tired and time crunched dealing with everything right now, I’d go clean out my own basement, closet, some drawers…
Pretty much all of this. And I’m grateful that I can see my parents aligned/align with all of it too. I mean, somehow I’m still fucked up, but they did a damn good job of keeping me out of their divorce (I was 5) and letting me live my life on my terms.
As far as end of life stuff, my dad has even paid for his cremation and lined up where his ashes are to be buried. My mom is donating her body to science, so no money there.
I need to re-do my will soon and will try to have that all done as well (I’m donating to science too).
Teach anything purity culture related. They're still young but I try really hard to be open about sex things (currently it's just like using the anatomical words for their parts, which makes my mom SO uncomfortable when she's around lol).
Also I feel this might be weird but raise them in religion. I feel like I have seen so much bad from being raised in that environment.
I have no kids, so ya'll tell me to go away if you want. Everyone seems like really good, loving parents!
Thank you! I hate hearing "tum tum." It's stomach.
It’s “abdominal region” unless you’re talking about a specific organ, lol. We do a combo of words we use, but they aren’t because my kids don’t know the real words. But 10 year old DS is in love with any euphemism for testes he can come up with. And we do say “tummy” because it’s what our first pediatrician used with DD who had a lot of digestive issues (that were not her stomach but her small intestine and asking a three year old to explain “intestinal difficulties” seemed a bit much). I vow to let them talk about their bodies and their sexuality openly, and to encourage them to love and care for their bodies and minds in the best way for them.
DD is LGBTQ (she’s not certain where she falls) and I will never make her feel like that makes her weird or less because it doesn’t. And I won’t ever expect her to push out a kid so I can be a grandma. I also won’t make her responsible for her autistic brother, though that one is really hard. Like surprisingly hard. It’s a fine line between “we are all responsible for each other as members of this family and all respect, love, and take care of each other” which we always taught even before his dx and “you need to always include your brother when you have friends over.” But we try super hard.
I have the very same one about the holidays. My poor husband would turn into a panicky anxious ball of nerves around any holiday before his parents relocated hundreds of miles away. My MIL just makes everything so unpleasant.
In the same vein I vow to never guilt my children into hanging out with me/calling me/sending me cards and gifts. I figure I’m going to reap what I sow and if I want a good relationship with my kids as grown ups that starts with having a good relationship with them now. My MIL never wanted anything to do with her own kids until they were old enough to “hang out” and seems to be following the same path with their only grandkids now. It’s no wonder my husband and BIL avoid hanging out with her like the plague and only do so out a sheer feeling of obligation and guilt.
I won’t insist we stay with them - we’ll gladly get a hotel. I won’t insist on getting them or their kids gifts bc I know they probably need money more than stuff. I won’t hold back on honest opinions re their SO, career, life. Bit I’ll pull back and support them when they choose their choice. And be there for them if it’s a mistake.
This is the balance I hope to achieve. I want to be able to give my opinion but I know mine won’t always agree with theirs and I try to be supportive even when we disagree. They are both much more self-confident than I am (or will ever be, frankly) and both have good heads on their shoulders.
Post by wanderlustmom on Jul 20, 2024 12:34:27 GMT -5
These have all been really good! My parents and and in laws got some things right and some things wrong so I know we will too--just hope we can keep it in the functional realm of problems.
My dad did the worst with his constant cheating and pretty much ignoring all of his wives, children and grandchildren. He did model a good work ethic and financial stability. It's a comfort that he has a will and has saved enough money for all of his care. So from him I learned to not be a financial burden on your kids and work hard. He and my stepmom have let their house fall into disrepair so that's unsettling to me and my three siblings and two step siblings. There is so much crap too. Both my stepmom and my dad will not listen to anyone's advice so this is going to get interesting fast as my dad probably needs to stop driving and he, I'm sure, will fight that kicking and screaming.
My mom was always a good mom, warm and loving, but she had undiagnosed ADHD I think and didn't really adult very well. She also put up with both of her husbands being adulterers and didn't have a financial plan. When she became very sick, she and my stepdad were so ill prepared. She was an burden to us for 14 years. I will never do that to my kids--it was awful.
My FIL was a good husband so so dad and he didn't pressure his kids to spend time together. MIL prioritized her family but can't handle conflict from any of us at all. So I learned to definitely let my kids have their own lives and be self aware and apologize when I need to. I don't ever want to pressure my kids to see DH and I. In laws treat us each year to a vacation so that's very generous and I would like to do that for our kids.
I vow to not let them grow up naive like I did. They're truly so innocent and see the good in everyone, except when they fight with each other! The world is so cruel, I want them to be prepared.
I teach them about money where I can. It's not good to be a miser but also not good to have money burn a hole in your pocket.
No growing up thinking "it's all because of GOD." Stuff happens. There may be a cosmic connection. God can be cultural and spiritual. But we don't have to live our lives thinking some spirit is silently judging our actions. Because if this was true, then there wouldn't be the above cruel people simultaneously claiming to be religious. I believe this applies to all major religions of the world, not just the one I was born into.
Definitely most of the baby stuff. Regulations change. My mom always said the super popular Rock-N-Play looked like a death trap and it turned out she was right. But a lot of the other things she and MIL and everyone else nagged about was just exhausting.
There is a lot more generational trauma to unpack and stop. It is hard.
Post by lovelovelove on Jul 20, 2024 15:50:41 GMT -5
I will not lie to her. I will discuss hard topics, the world as it is, family truths in an honest, truthful, and age appropriate way.
I will not shame her for whatever stage of life she is in. Hormones rushing preteen with all the crushes? That's normal for lots of kids and you don't need to be ashamed or afraid! Sex talks? Let's do this. Feisty and annoyed with old friends and not sure how to proceed? Come to me with how you are feeling. In trouble, feeling down, etc? No shame, just support.
I will not burned her with my emotional needs. I will not ask her awkward questions just to "get a rise out of you". I will respect her decisions as an adult and parent. Again, no shame, just support.
I will not take advantage of her superior to my own skills as an adult (i.e. better at navigating computers, better negotiator, etc- not my kids job to do these things for me).
rosiebear ,I have that same vow! In fact, XH and I decided when the girls were very young that the first year they both decide to spend a holiday elsewhere, that we would plan a vacation lol. My mom is such a bitch about spending every holiday together and it caused me soooooo much stress once we had kids. Why is celebrating on the exact day such an issue?
I also vow to never judge how they raise their children, if they have them, especially in the newborn stage. Advice and guidelines change all the time, and I will trust that my kids will be doing their very best. I'll only offer advice if they specifically ask for it.
Not sure what I’d do or say and maybe I’d keep my mouth shut but I would 100% judge if my daughter had kids and didn’t want them to get vaccinated or smoked around them or I don’t know, there’s a million bad parenting decisions that absolutely deserve judgement haha.
Oh, yeah, I didn't think about vaccinations or smoking and of course I'd say something to my kids about that. I was more thinking about things like when to give them solid foods, the types of baby products they use and other recommendations like that.
Post by mountaingirl on Jul 22, 2024 1:14:44 GMT -5
DD is LGBTQ (she’s not certain where she falls) and I will never make her feel like that makes her weird or less because it doesn’t. And I won’t ever expect her to push out a kid so I can be a grandma. I also won’t make her responsible for her autistic brother, though that one is really hard. Like surprisingly hard. It’s a fine line between “we are all responsible for each other as members of this family and all respect, love, and take care of each other” which we always taught even before his dx and “you need to always include your brother when you have friends over.” But we try super hard.[/quote]
My sister already has my 10yr old niece saying that when she is 18 her brother will come live with her. Her (step) brother has autism and can’t live on his own. I’m so angry that she has my niece already thinking she needs to be responsible for him! His father should have this taken care of but he has and will not unfortunately.
Post by nextbigthing on Jul 22, 2024 5:34:58 GMT -5
I only have one kid but if I had more I’d make sure they all got the same benefits/perks.
I was such a good kid, never got in big trouble, good grades, still an overachiever good person who tries hard to do right. When I was 16 I wanted to take a job at a dental office after school to save money to buy a car. My dad wouldn’t let me bc he wanted me to focus on school, but he also wouldn’t get me a car. I accepted it and moved on.
Fast forward 4 years, I’m in college out of state (still no car but it was fine(, my parents move across the country for my dads job and first thing he does is buy my 16 year old screwball sister a $30k brand new SUV so she can fit in at her new super fancy high school. He felt bad moving her in her junior year. She wasn’t a great student and is a bit of a screwball, very selfish.
I have a terrible relationship with my sister and this is a part of it. My dad knows he screwed up but how do you fix it? I’m now 45 years old and it still stings.
Ha, I’ve been around here for a long time so I’ve already tried to implement a lot of these things. But now they are coming in handy with my grandchildren, specifically treating siblings the same, weight things and LBGTQ things.
I really appreciate everyone 's considerations here. You sound like great parents!
I echo much of what you've said already. One more thing I'd add... I don't want my kids to ever feel like they're not enough for me. My parents are very well intentioned people. They're total extroverts and always want lots of other people around. That being said, since I was a teen (I'm almost 47), they referred to many of my peers, however, ironically never any of my good friends, as honorary sons and daughters. They live several states away from me and I enthusiastically left home as soon as I graduated high school. I've only returned for visits. Nevertheless, them constantly singing the praises of other people's kids put me in a weird position, to say the least.
Not to make them feel like my happiness is dependent upon him meeting my expectations for our relationship. I’ll never tell him that he’s my best friend, and I’ll never make my emotions his job to handle or fix.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jul 23, 2024 11:04:15 GMT -5
After the worst week in about thirteen years of knowing my in-laws, I can safely say that we will never leave messes for our children to clean up over and over again.
The dieting stuff all day long. My mom weighed me daily. One summer she offered 50 bucks to the first person in the house to lose ten pounds. I will never do that to my kid.
- not to intentionally make my grandchildren cry (if I ever have any) - to get a hotel when visiting vs. becoming a house guest & adding more work into an already busy time of life. aka. when visiting a newborn, I won't make life even more difficult - to try to be pleasant as I age - to try to remember to be playful when babysitting/spending time with the kids/grand kids
- to trim down my stuff, so to not burden the kids with a house full of stuff.
_ ETA: when our youngest was newborn, my mom was super helpful. Made us food, held the baby, went to the store for a last minute trip, etc. As he grew, she also had some of his favorite toys on hand at her house, and was never afraid to get down on the floor to play with him, or have a parade marching around the house. She would also drive to our house to babysit when we asked for help.
on a lighter note, my husband and I said we would never tell our child that turning the overhead light on in the car was illegal, lol.
My friend's dad told them that the call button will cause the plane's wings to fall off.
He was also a right jackass and would say in our early and mid teens "do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?" My friend was very average in when and size of breast development. I very much was not and still wore a training bra in college when I chose to even bother which was only for nipple coverage and rare. I'm nearly the same today. While he never said it directly to me, he certainly did to her while I was next to her.
Thankfully, it actually never bothered me (I heard far worse from classmates), but thanks for the life lesson that even nice, loving, well-meaning men can still be sexist disgusting assholes.