S/O, sort of. What do you vow not to do to your kids?

[rosiebear]

I vow never to make a big deal about spending the actual dates of Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., together. My former in-laws were so great about this. If we celebrated a week early or a week late, that was more than fine with them. It made life so much easier!

I vow to have as much crap cleaned out of my house as possible.

I vow never to make them feel guilty about not wanting said crap.

[cville]

Not to shift to them, emotionally, responsibility for maintaining our relationship. Pulling away as they get older and have their own families is to be expected. It'll hurt, but I'll strive not to take it personally.

[jinkies]

I agree with all of yours!

I will add: I vow to remember that Mother's day/fathers day are for the parents with kids still at home and not make them celebrate with me.

[Susie]

I will clean the crap out of my house, as much as possible.  I'm already walking the walk on this one.

I will not pressure/shame/guilt/etc. them into marrying prior to moving in with an SO.  My parents were really heavy on this, and it was at best "no harm no foul" in my case and at worst would rush a kid into a marriage that isn't right for them.  I also resented deeply that they held different standards on this for me vs. my brother, and I won't do that either for my daughter/son.

[amandakisser]

rosiebear,I have that same vow! In fact, XH and I decided when the girls were very young that the first year they both decide to spend a holiday elsewhere, that we would plan a vacation lol. My mom is such a bitch about spending every holiday together and it caused me soooooo much stress once we had kids. Why is celebrating on the exact day such an issue?

I also vow to never judge how they raise their children, if they have them, especially in the newborn stage. Advice and guidelines change all the time, and I will trust that my kids will be doing their very best. I'll only offer advice if they specifically ask for it.

[eb777888]

Jul 19, 2024 17:27:11 GMT -5 cville said:

Not to shift to them, emotionally, responsibility for maintaining our relationship. Pulling away as they get older and have their own families is to be expected. It'll hurt, but I'll strive not to take it personally.

100% this because I know that this is what I'm going to struggle with the most. And I remind myself how incredibly selfish, albeit natural, that want is. When I had major issues with my IL's, my H made it clear that me and David are his priority, not his parents and I remind myself that I really do want the same for David when he has a family. It is hard, though. 

[VillainV]

I already have a will, which is doing better than my own aging parents who for some reason refuse to make one.

I will not further diet culture to my kid (or any other kid).

[ohgillian]

Jul 19, 2024 17:34:01 GMT -5 Susie said:

I will clean the crap out of my house, as much as possible.  I'm already walking the walk on this one.

Same on both. The more I see (and saw) my parents burdened by belongings, the more stuff I got rid of at home. 

[arehopsveggies]

I love my mom, but she still gives me such a hard time for a couple decisions I made at 17-18.

Like… everything turned out fine, and I can’t change decisions from 20+ years ago.

Soooo…. Keeping my mouth shut about that kind of stuff I guess?

[scm1011]

I will never make my children my confidants when I’m struggling (as kids, as adults maybe).

I will never make my children frightened in their own home.

I will hopefully never become an old lady mom whose every word is a complaint.

[mala]

I never want them to be afraid of me.

Always communicate expectations of behavior and schooling etc.

They are not responsible for other people's emotions.

[MixedBerryJam]

My mom gave my sister and me so much shit about grandchildren. So much. Never my brothers, just her daughters. But it was relentless to the point she made me promise one March that she’d have a grandchildren by the following Christmas (I was not dating anyone at the time so …) Our relationship never recovered from that, frankly, and I explained to both of my kids YEARS AGO how it damaged me and I promised I would never ask them about kids, but that that didn’t mean I don’t want grandchildren.

[macmars45]

Guilt trip him

Make family plans with only H/me in mind, not DS

[al dente]

Jul 19, 2024 17:37:12 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

I also vow to never judge how they raise their children, if they have them, especially in the newborn stage. Advice and guidelines change all the time, and I will trust that my kids will be doing their very best. I'll only offer advice if they specifically ask for it.

ugh I want to be like this, but I would have SUCH a hard time if they got super crunchy antivax/"all natural" remedies esp for kids stuff. I'm just constantly surprised by the people like this in my kids circles.

[steph2008]

Give complexes with food. I'm in counseling trying to undo a lot of the damage my mom did to me around food (she was always fat shaming). It comes easy to me... IDK why it was so hard for my mom to shut up about this.

[noodleoo]

Ohhh so many things. My parents were emotionally abusive. I have sworn that I will never cause my kids the kind of pain they caused me. I’m already parenting very differently than my parents did. Having kids has made me reevaluate my childhood and opened some wounds that I thought I was past because given how much I love my own kids, I can’t image how anyone could make children suffer the way my parents did to me.

[simpsongal]

I won’t insist we stay with them - we’ll gladly get a hotel.
I won’t insist on getting them or their kids gifts bc I know they probably need money more than stuff.
I won’t hold back on honest opinions re their SO, career, life. Bit I’ll pull back and support them when they choose their choice. And be there for them if it’s a mistake.

[mags]

My kids are already grown so im sure i damaged them already in some way!

I never pressure them to get married or have children, although Im dying for a grandbaby.

Never expect them to spend all the holidays with me.

All my information about after death is all laid out for them.

I did pressure them about their education, but I'm not sorry about that

[livinitup]

I vow not to be weird and controlling about hosting holidays or refuse to travel if someone else wants to host.

I vow not to act like the road only runs one-way toward my house for visits. Or clueless and helpless when visiting my kid.

[Jalapeñomel]

Ignore my kids’ feelings.

[circa1978]

H and I have been arguing for a week straight so idk, I'm probably fucking everything up.

[katfco]

—never shame them for their emotions, no matter how messy life is
—never force physical affection with me or anyone else
—not let them feel financial guilt or responsibility for the family finances
—when they’re adults, never put the responsibility of maintaining the relationship on them

[al dente]

Teach anything purity culture related. They're still young but I try really hard to be open about sex things (currently it's just like using the anatomical words for their parts, which makes my mom SO uncomfortable when she's around lol).

Also I feel this might be weird but raise them in religion. I feel like I have seen so much bad from being raised in that environment.

[underwaterrhymes]

I won’t ever hit them. I won’t ever tell them that no one will ever love them. I won’t pass out drunk and naked on the stairs. I won’t scream that I hate them.

That’s the grim stuff.

I won’t ever assume that they will love the opposite sex or identify as the sex they were born into.

I won’t ever withhold hard information from them. I will discuss things with them in age-appropriate ways.

I will share practical information with them that will help them be adults with actual executive functioning.

[eddy]

Not to pass on dieting/body image issues. My 80s dieting mom did a number on me. I absolutely refuse to live like that or pass along all that harm to my kids.

[sadlebred]

Jul 19, 2024 20:47:31 GMT -5 al dente said:

Teach anything purity culture related. They're still young but I try really hard to be open about sex things (currently it's just like using the anatomical words for their parts, which makes my mom SO uncomfortable when she's around lol).

Also I feel this might be weird but raise them in religion. I feel like I have seen so much bad from being raised in that environment.

I have no kids, so ya'll tell me to go away if you want. Everyone seems like really good, loving parents!

Thank you! I hate hearing "tum tum." It's stomach. Or WooWoo...no it's (whatever anatomical part) or "PeeP*e." No, it's a (correct anatomical name). Just call it what the appropriate word is.

[underwaterrhymes]

Oh yes. Body image is another one.

My mom is so focused on that and I’m constantly correcting her because I don’t want her to fuck up our nieces.

The other day she asked me, “what do you weigh now, 98 pounds?” 🙄🙄🙄

I was like. “Mom. I haven’t weighed 98 pounds since high school.” (I do NOT look like I weigh 98 pounds - not even close. I’m not sure if she thought this was a compliment or if her body dysmorphia is that great.)

It’s really sad because she posts pics of her in her cheerleading outfit from 55 years ago and revels in the comments from her Boomer friends that roll in. I want her to love herself now

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Oh man, I will not starve myself to death so that my kids’ kids, should they have them, are afraid of me. I will stay active so I can be fun and mobile as long as I can. I won’t be weird and territorial if my kids spend time with their SO’s families. I’m going to be practical with them when they decide what to do with their lives- BFA in painting?! I’d have been so much better off if I’d done cosmetology like I wanted to do.

[starburst604]

Many of these, but in my current phase of life my vow has been to not have the traumatic divorce that my parents did. I was exposed to way too much of their drama, way too young. They barely spoke for many years and spoke poorly of each other to me and my sister. As much as STBX makes my skin crawl, I’ll act friendly to him in her presence and will never speak poorly of him to her.

[wanderingback]

Jul 19, 2024 17:37:12 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

rosiebear,I have that same vow! In fact, XH and I decided when the girls were very young that the first year they both decide to spend a holiday elsewhere, that we would plan a vacation lol. My mom is such a bitch about spending every holiday together and it caused me soooooo much stress once we had kids. Why is celebrating on the exact day such an issue?

I also vow to never judge how they raise their children, if they have them, especially in the newborn stage. Advice and guidelines change all the time, and I will trust that my kids will be doing their very best. I'll only offer advice if they specifically ask for it.

Not sure what I’d do or say and maybe I’d keep my mouth shut but I would 100% judge if my daughter had kids and didn’t want them to get vaccinated or smoked around them or I don’t know, there’s a million bad parenting decisions that absolutely deserve judgement haha.