estranged parent -- dying and death advice

[katfco]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My dad wasn't abusive, but he was emotionally absent until he walked out on us when I was 19. It was then that we found out about at least some of the affairs. Since then, we were largely estranged because he continued to be his usual absent self--reaching out, promising to do better and then nothing.

When he passed a year and a half ago (I posted about it here because it was a big weekend of poor communication), I had to accept that the feelings I had were for memories of the man he sometimes was.

Over the last year and a half, I've realized my grief has been for the man I wished he was--not for the man himself. I never had the opportunity to go to a funeral or say goodbye, so I can't say if it would have been beneficial, but I would suggest you consider if you're grieving the man or the memories--good or bad.

My sympathies go out to you.

[midwestmama]

I'm sorry, this is a difficult situation to be in. I don't have advice, but just want to say that DH's father is also a shitty father, and I don't know what we would do in this situation. (His dad was an alcoholic and just not a good dad all around. Apparently he told MIL while she was PG with DH and his sister (twins) that he didn't want to have kids.) Basically DH and his dad trade texts on birthdays and Christmas, but that's about it. (And DH's dad only lives 30-40 minutes away, so it is possible to see him pretty easily.) A few years ago, DH would send the kids' sports game or other major activities schedule, but his dad never showed up to anything, so he stopped sending it.

I tell DH that I will follow his lead on how engaged or not he wants to be with his dad. So far, he is pretty disengaged, which is fine with me.

ETA:  My maternal grandpa was not a great dad to my mom (and her brother) growing up.  He drank a lot (mostly at bars with friends) and cheated on my grandma.  (And it was a small town, so everybody knew he was cheating.)  My mom tried to maintain a relationship with him after he and my grandma divorced in 1969, and by the time my sister and I were born in 1980 and 1982, my grandpa had become a different and better person.  He apologized for how he was, and my grandma and mom forgave him (though he and my grandma never remarried, they were good friends my whole life).  The difference I see between my grandpa and DH's dad is that my grandpa felt enough remorse to apologize and also had the desire to change and want to be engaged and present with the family, while we haven't seen that in DH's dad.

[MixedBerryJam]

I don’t want to read other responses before I respond bc your relationship with your father sounds so much like mine my stomach lurched! He was a terrible father and as soon as I had agency (old enough and confident enough) I just … ghosted him. He’d call once a year, on my birthday, and end the call with “I love you” to which I’d respond “okay bye.” then I’d send him a Christmas card (so jume and December lol I just realized). That was it. He died at 93 a few years ago, and I will admit that at first I felt guilty that I hadn’t reached out. I finally decided to give myself some grace because no matter what action I took before he died, he still chose not to be the father I needed him to be and that hole will always be there. And that’s on him.

And if we’re onto another subject, disregard

[glw]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I have a very similar one with my father; I haven't had any communication with him in about 18 years. He's a narcissist and was cruel to me while doting on my sister before he abandoned us. He's in poor health now and my sister is taking care of him (he has no friends and has driven away all the rest of his family).
I do not intend to reach out to him. If he contacts me, I miiight be willing to have a phone conversation, but I have had to let go of the hope that he will have an epiphany and apologize for being a shit father. He won't. AND, even if he did all that, it wouldn't make anything better for me at this point. My lingering sadness comes from knowing I will never have a "real dad" in my life, it's too late.

[waverly]

My dad was not great and an alcoholic. That being said I’m not sure that we were ever truly estranged. There was contact but he made absolutely zero effort with my kids or my sister’s kids going as far as mostly ignoring them if they were in the same room. It was weird and bizarre. He lived in a foreign country and had become delusional from drinking and Fox News, so at the end all the contact was “off”. He is in assisted living now and there is little contact mostly because he isn’t really capable of using his phone anymore. He’s forgotten how to text or call but sometimes uses FaceTime I guess. I don’t contact him very often because conversation is difficult due to his medical condition. I don’t think he was mean and our relationship was a bit closer than you are describing so I would reach out. Might be different if he was a total jerk.

[googled]

PDQ. So, my SO grew up with an incredibly abusive father. Up until recently, the last time they’d “spoken” was 4-5 years ago when my SO was in the hospital thinking he was having a stroke and scans showed he had massive lesions in his brain, most likely from the abuse he suffered as a kid into young adulthood. He texted his dad and said something along the lines of “I just wanted you to know that you gave me permanent brain damage.”

That fucker blocked him after that and then told the rest of the family that he had to cut ties with SO because “he said some not-nice things to me.”

At the beginning of the year we had a convo about how SO wonders if his dad feels any regret. After everything, he’s still his dad, and he wanted some validation. He hoped that his dad could recognize the damage he’d done and maybe they could have a relationship. I offered to write a note and ask his dad to contact me. I mailed it and about two weeks later he called me. He denied any wrongdoing, talked at length about how my SO refuses to take responsibility for his behavior (read: a heavily abused teenager acting out because HE WAS BEING ABUSED). When I relayed all this to my SO, he was like, “well. Now I know he’s not sorry. I can stop trying and worrying about it.”

Knowing his experience and reading your post, I feel like it might be worth it for you (or someone you trust) to reach out one last time. Best case, you get some validation and the apology you’ve hoped for. Worst case, he confirms what you already know about him.

ETA: I’m also so sorry you’re in this position. It’s terrible that you’re going through it and I hope that you find peace, no matter what you ultimately decide.

[basilosaurus]

I haven't spoken to my dad's wife, my adoptive mom, in over a decade. Well, unless you count a couple days after my sister's funeral when I called to check in on my dad, and she picked up to phone to be horribly nasty to me. She's done shit like that a few times since I cut her off.

There will be zero feeling when she dies. I don't call her mom, though she legally is. I've dropped any form of anger or hatred or resentment (thanks, years of therapy!). If she predeceases my dad, I'd go comfort him if he wants it, but I doubt he will. She's as a stranger to me. I probably have more compassion for strangers. I have far more attachment to my local pub friend who died last night, and I might travel to his funeral, than anything I feel toward her. But, I've had a long time of zero contact to be fine with that continuing indefinitely. They still blame me 100% for our lack of relationship including dredging up parent/teacher conference notes from when I was 10! When dad had just remarried, and my mom had only died 3 years later, as their proof. After 10 it only got worse, again, all blame. Even after therapy when I attempted to resolve issues I was met with "that was in the past and will not be spoken of again." Uh-huh.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. If you feel you'd regret not making an attempt, by all means, but be guarded that his patterns and personality are unlikely to have changed. And if you say, nah, I'm good never speaking again, there's no shame or guilt in that, either.

[notreal]

This is going to sound uncaring but this is the (in my opinion good) advice that was given to me. If someone is near their end of days, they will die regardless. You will still be here. Don't do something so that someone can have peace that isn't going to be around to appreciate it if giving them peace will be something you will have trouble living with.

[jennistarr1]

Jul 24, 2024 8:18:13 GMT -5 notreal said:

This is going to sound uncaring but this is the (in my opinion good) advice that was given to me. If someone is near their end of days, they will die regardless. You will still be here. Don't do something so that someone can have peace that isn't going to be around to appreciate it if giving them peace will be something you will have trouble living with.

Actually I think this is the best advice

I would just say, whatever you do, make sure you're doing it for you, not your father or steps. His role was to take care of you. He did not. You need to take care of you

[cricketwife]

Thank you for all the replies. I’m sorry that so many of us are in similar situations and/or also have crap parents.

For the moment, if I feel at peace with the decision that if he were to call me, I would speak to him. I’m not going to reach out. Furthermore, upon reflection, and a little space of time since the phone call, I believe this specific instance is his wife trying to manipulate me (again). Because I’ve blocked her, I think she had her son call me in hopes that me hearing how “bad” my dad was doing would get some sort of response from me. Like someone said upthread, I don’t even have any diagnosis or real information. I’m not giving it any more of my mental or emotional energy.