parents of teens- teen dating

[lizlemon19]

I have a 16 yo son with a girlfriend. They have been dating 10 months, which is long in the high school world. He doesn’t ever hang out with friends, only wants to hang out with her. He used to be a very social kid, and made friends easily. He had a hard time in middle school, got in trouble for vaping and struggled with grades. His confidence tanked. Now he doesn’t really have friends, just the gf. He says it’s fine, there’s no law he needs to hang out with friends. Do I let it go?

[magma]

Does he have activities/interests or other groups that keep him busy? If he was spending all of his free time with his girlfriend but also active in band or a sport, I’d probably let it go. Partly because the more you insist they spend time apart the more he will push back and insist on seeing her. I’d frame it more as it’s good to pursue a wide range of interests and activities to keep you happy and healthy.

[erbear]

That would concern me a little bit. Not by itself but coupled with the other changes...I'd dig a little.

[jeaniebueller]

Is she a good influence?

[nicolewi]

I don't love this b/c I wouldn't want my kid's social world condensed to one person. I don't think it's healthy for either kid in the relationship. I don't know what you do as a parent in this situation, but I definitely see it as an issue if he's ONLY wanting to spend time with her.

[suzubell]

Our guy is a bit younger, but when we started down this path, we set the expectation that for every time he wanted to spend with her in a week, he had to hang out with someone else. So 3 dates? 3 friend hang outs. It was super helpful when they broke up, and he still had his social life.

[lizlemon19]

Jul 21, 2024 18:46:12 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Is she a good influence?

I think she is a good , sweet kid and know she doesn’t vape or use substances. I also think she is very emotionally needy and she has a trauma history. My son also has a trauma history (adoption through foster care). He says anyone from school vapes and uses drugs and he doesn’t want to be around it.

There are definitely some red flags, and I worry they are pretty obsessive with each other.

He does soccer and basketball. He just got a very part time job and he goes to a conditioning gym.

The boys on the basketball team are terrible to him. As in bully him relentlessly. For some reason he still wants to play. Soccer is a little better but he hasn’t found his people.

[waverly]

lizlemon19, I would encourage a full social life but not make it a battle.

This can go either way. My sister met her husband at 14, which I definitely would not recommend, and I really really dislike my MAGA BIL, but they are still together 25 years later. She did retain a couple of friends and saw them infrequently, but a little bit. She mostly wanted to hang out with him, and fought my parents tooth and nail. I wouldn't make it so much of a battle and the feeling I am sure is very natural to want to spend every moment with a SO, but it is healthier for them to maintain friendships. I would encourage him to see friends maybe once per month, text a couple of times, and just try to add to the rotation rather than subtract.

[waverly]

Jul 22, 2024 9:39:53 GMT -5 lizlemon19 said:

Jul 21, 2024 18:46:12 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Is she a good influence?

I think she is a good , sweet kid and know she doesn’t vape or use substances. I also think she is very emotionally needy and she has a trauma history. My son also has a trauma history (adoption through foster care). He says anyone from school vapes and uses drugs and he doesn’t want to be around it.

There are definitely some red flags, and I worry they are pretty obsessive with each other.

He does soccer and basketball. He just got a very part time job and he goes to a conditioning gym.

The boys on the basketball team are terrible to him. As in bully him relentlessly. For some reason he still wants to play. Soccer is a little better but he hasn’t found his people.

I would encourage him to find one friend that doesn't vape etc.  Sounds like he doesn't really have established friends as opposed to having them and ignoring them.  

[VillainV]

Jul 22, 2024 9:39:53 GMT -5 lizlemon19 said:

Jul 21, 2024 18:46:12 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Is she a good influence?

I think she is a good , sweet kid and know she doesn’t vape or use substances. I also think she is very emotionally needy and she has a trauma history. My son also has a trauma history (adoption through foster care). He says anyone from school vapes and uses drugs and he doesn’t want to be around it.

There are definitely some red flags, and I worry they are pretty obsessive with each other.

He does soccer and basketball. He just got a very part time job and he goes to a conditioning gym.

The boys on the basketball team are terrible to him. As in bully him relentlessly. For some reason he still wants to play. Soccer is a little better but he hasn’t found his people.

I think he makes a good point.

As an introvert, I always kind of bristle when people suggest that I need to have more friends. I don’t have a lot of friends, but I DO have all of the support I need. So as long as he has support (from family, teachers, coaches, maybe some teammates) and outlets (hobbies, sports, interests) I don’t think I’d force him to be social with other people, especially people it sounds like he doesn’t particularly like (for good reasons)!

I would be very concerned if he had given up his interests in order to spend time with her, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

[niq]

Do you have any sense of the reverse direction ... how many people at school etc would say your son is their friend, and they wish they could spend more time with them?

It sounds like he's doing activities, just not hanging out with the people he's doing activities with. I think that's okay.

Does he have a Trusted Adult at school or elsewhere in his life?