please don’t quote I haven’t posted in awhile but I know other people here have estranged family members and I just need to get this off my chest. I cut contact with my parents for several yrs (7ish) and then a family member who was like a mother to me died and I tried to make things work because I wanted it to work for DS sake as my grandparents were great. However, I still refuse to have contact with my brother because he is a narcissist misogynist pig. He lost custody of his DS and claims it was because he spanked his DS for mouthing off and the child’s mother took him to court. He’s been going to court nearly monthly for 3-4 yrs and has never even gotten supervised visitation so all signs point to it was something more right? Anyway, my parents, anytime we meet in person bring up my brother and talk about all the great things he does. You’d think he won the Nobel prize for the way they hype him. They have bought him 2 vehicles and he has another on order (because he wants very specific options-insert eye roll). He is underemployed because he doesn’t want to pay child support. He works for a retail store just enough to get health insurance and for the past year all I’ve heard is that he’s gonna be a team lead (a position my friends 18 yr old has). They also have talked about buying a car for my nephew and have a college fund for him…yet no mention of anything for my DS. For my own sanity I think I just need to blow up and go back to cutting them off right??? The small benefit of my DS being able to have grandparent figures is losing any appeal. I don’t need their money but just last week they bought DS a sweatshirt - it’s taken nearly 2 yrs for that. I know they are still bitter I cut them off Does anyone else have parents who act like their fuck up child is the best person ever???
Post by sunshineluv on Jul 23, 2024 16:14:25 GMT -5
Oh I have plenty of stories of how the golden child can do no wrong and gets treated like royalty, from both my parents (to my bother) my in laws (to my SIL).
Just last weekend I found out that my in laws gave my SIL their car, I think this is the 7th car they have given her in 15 years. They are at her beck and call, it’s weird. They never say no to her. Once my MIL got fed up and finally said no, guess what? SIL got a job after that, you would think they might learn that the tough love helps sometimes? But nope….
My grandparents were the type to brag about everybody and do it equally which was great. But not everyone deserves to be bragged about.
My mom sort of inherited the trait, but then doesn't apply common sense. Lots of bragging about my racist, bigot MAGA BIL. One time she bragged that he strapped a person on top of his car and drove them around. This was for fun, with the person's permission. We all told her this was a terrible decision that could have ended badly with the person getting hurt or run over, and she just didn't get it.
My sister is also the favored child, and my mom helped all the time with my nephews and very rarely with our kids. Now part of it was that she lived much closer to my sister, but by the time my kids came around she seemed over the whole thing. For example, we took her to Hawaii and all she had to do was pay for her flight. She spent the entire trip complaining about anything and everything. She barely helped with the kids at all which was the point of bringing her. I had to specifically ask her to watch the kids in the pool so that I could go to the bathroom, but she was sitting right next to me at the pool while I watched them the entire time and she played on her phone. We ask her to visit to watch them so we can go away and she complains about that. She will complain about all the things, and she does to my sister also, but my sister got her to be aftercare for a good 5 years at least 2 times a week and I got maybe the equivalent of 10 days total the kids entire life.
Before cutting them off, I have to ask if you have talked to them about it or set any kind of boundaries around that?
Any chance you’d let your DS spend time w his grandparents without you? If not, if you truly believe that rekindling a relationship w them is more harmful than good, then yes, it’s okay to re-estrange.
I don't know what you should do, because family stuff is so fraught and specific and what's best for some isn't for all.
But if it helps to have an internet stranger tell you that these people sound like a pack of assholes, then let me be the one to say it: Pack. Of. Assholes.
While it sucks for your son that he won’t have the same grandparent experience that you may have had with yours, it doesn’t sound like he would even if you kept contact with them. It may actually be better in the long run if you show him what happens when people don’t respect your boundaries.
My kids are 12 & 14 and perfectly fine that they have practically zero relationship (all surface) with their paternal grandparents. They have great relationships with their two aunts and all cousins, and basically no one has a relationship with the parents/grandparents anymore because they’re so self absorbed.
I’d do what’s best for you, and it doesn’t sound like keeping that relationship is worth it. I’m really sorry, that’s got to be so hard go through, again.
Your grandparent were great and you want that for your son. Were your grandparents great to everyone, including your parents, and to you? It’s been my experience that my favorite people and the memories of those people often track with everyone else in their lives, too. We all love them!
Were they great to you while they emotionally crippled your uncle with over parenting and annoyed the F out of your mother by ignoring and diminishing her?
No?
I don’t think you can recreate the grandparent relationship you enjoyed as a kid with these particular people. I had a grandmother who my mom and I visited. For my grandmother’s sake. She had issues. It was fine. You don’t have to cut them out. But you do have to be honest about what you get when you do.
ETA: And although I know nothing about your parent’s finances, with that amount of magical thinking and outright lying, I highly doubt they have a college fund for that grandchild. The one they never see. I can imagine them pretending it. Just not actually doing it. Especially while throwing so much money to keep your brother afloat. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse for you. But it would be a safe bet.
How old is your DS? I can count on one hand the number of times I saw my grandparents. My younger sibling saw them even less. It was because of geographical distance and money, not because of family drama. Though I'm sure the distance shielded us from the family drama because from the bits and pieces my parents did talk about, it sounds like there was plenty.
It was nice that I met them those few times but as an adult, I don't think I lost out on anything really by not having a close relationship with them. It would have been nice but oh well. My kids are having the opposite grandparent experience than I did and that is also great. Families are complicated like that and you have to do whatever lets you sleep at night and keeps your conscience happy.
Post by basilosaurus on Jul 23, 2024 20:45:29 GMT -5
Have you considered it might be more harmful than good for your child to see this happening? In an ideal world we'd all have fantastic grandparents (I had 2.5). I'd rather have none than toxic ones.
Thank you all for being the voice of reason and for the humor. I know it is a fantasy. I have to see them in a couple of weeks again…and I feel like being an asshole and asking WTF is wrong with them but it’s time to just let it go.
My mom (we are now estranged) is amazing at this. My brother has been married 3 times, has 6 kids he can’t afford, has lost multiple jobs for shit that would make your skin crawl, and just overall has jacked up his life royally. But he’s absolutely the golden child, and the world has just victimized him. Otherwise he would have easily been crowned emperor of the world because we would all understand what an amazing human he is.
My mom would also go out of her way to praise people who had made really different life decisions than I did. I graduated college, got married, went to law school on a full scholarship, paid my student loans before having two kids (still married to the same guy). Basically I lived life exactly as she had always preached was the “right” way to do things. A childhood friend got pregnant in high school, was married and divorced twice before she was 30, got super fat (which to my mom is like the single worst thing you can do… I was anorexic in large part to earn my mom’s approval), spent a lot of years on public assistance even though she lived with her parents who are loaded, and eventually got her nursing assistant certificate from the local junior college when she was pushing 40. Basically all things my mom had always said would get me kicked out of the family. So my mom was telling me about how awesome she was doing, that she had met this amazing man and had just bought a brand new truck using cash. And all I could think was, “Wow. If only she was as impressed with my graduating in the top ten people in my law school class as she is of M’s fucking truck.”
By the way, my kids, 10 and 12, have met her once. DS was a newborn. I won’t let her do to them what she did to me, making them feel like they are inherently lacking or unlovable. It’s her loss, not theirs. They have another grandmother and lots of adults I’ve chosen carefully who love and support them.
We dealt with this as well. DH did so much better when we cut his mom out of our lives. Once he let her back in a bit due to guilt, his mental health dive bombed. He continued to struggle with why he and the kids weren’t good enough for her to be the kind of parent or grandparent they all deserved.
One time I asked him, “At what point was she ever the kind of person you’re hoping her to be now?” When he concluded that was never, it was so much easier to accept that she wasn’t a positive value for him/us/the kids. And accepting that she’s who she is was hard but necessary.
She never came over after she retired, like she promised she would. She never called. She never thought of us or the kids, unless we would see her at a family event. Then she would act as if she was amazing! But the kids had no relationship with her, and once she kept saying over and over “I’m your grandma! I’m your grandma!” It was embarrassing for all of us, and the kids asked if we could leave. So we did. We said goodbye to everyone else, and left. Any time we were around DH dad (they’re divorced) she would constantly tell him how to interact with them. He’s such a kind person, he just said ok and did whatever anyway. He wasn’t the best, but he tried, and the kids loved him.
Long story boring - if it’s more grief than good, there’s no dang reason to continue to re-establish something you’d already come to terms with. It brings no value or happiness to you or your family (DH/kiddo), so stop trying to make your dream a reality, and start accepting things as they actually are. Hugs. It is so hard, but it’s worth protecting all of your hearts.
I'm of the opinion that it's valuable to have people in family roles in our lives, but whether or not those people are actually family is irrelevant. Oftentimes our friends, neighbors, distant relatives, etc. can fill the "grandparent role" better than the people who are our actual grandparents. No reason to continue to force a relationship with people who suck just because they share DNA.
If your parents (your child’s grandparents) are blind to your brother’s faults, then they are blind to reality. Your son having contact with people who will not acknowledge ugly truth is not a relationship worth having. What will your son gain from that? Being able to say he knows his grandparents? Are they worth knowing? Or will they fill his head with lies about your brother, the courts, themselves or even you?
As someone also in a similar position, I firmly believe a strong relationship between my child’s grandparents and her will harm her. I do not believe that bad/abusive parents magically become good/caring grandparents. No. They had a shot to be decent caregivers to the younger generation and blew it spectacularly. This is not my fault nor is it my problem. When my child asks why she doesn’t know her grandparents well, I have age-appropriate answers.
Do yourself, your heart, and your son a favor - leave them to their fantasy world. Many hugs to you as I know this path isn’t without a lot of hurt and sadness. It’s okay to feel that and wish it were different.
I'm of the opinion that it's valuable to have people in family roles in our lives, but whether or not those people are actually family is irrelevant. Oftentimes our friends, neighbors, distant relatives, etc. can fill the "grandparent role" better than the people who are our actual grandparents. No reason to continue to force a relationship with people who suck just because they share DNA.
Absolutely! I have had many moms in my life, and I value them so much. I've had aunties and uncles, too. I've mourned them as much or more than the blood family.
I do not believe that bad/abusive parents magically become good/caring grandparents.
I've seen this in my family as well. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive to my brother and me when we were growing up. Nowadays I would not consider her abusive, but I think that's primarily because she's just better at hiding her true self than she was 30 years ago. I do not believe she's actually changed.
Post by barefootcontessa on Jul 24, 2024 17:51:18 GMT -5
My mother favors my sister because she has always struggled, while I have not. My mom will not come see us because she “does not travel anymore” meanwhile she goes to Disney with my sister and her daughter. She says she does this because my sister is a single parent. It bothers me when I think about it but mostly I just live my life. My mom has totally missed out on knowing a majority of her grandkids.
The thing that perplexes me the most is that my 2 sisters also favor my brother. They will attack me if I say one negative thing about him. It makes me feel like I’m crazy that 5 people think I’m the problem.
The thing that perplexes me the most is that my 2 sisters also favor my brother. They will attack me if I say one negative thing about him. It makes me feel like I’m crazy that 5 people think I’m the problem.
What is the feeling on the word “loyalty” in the family? Some disordered families use the word to mean “never speaking ill of each other publicly, always saving face, and fiercely protecting any bad secrets.” That also can morph into not really seeing people as they are and always believing their side of the story.
When there is no nuance or objectivity in the thinking (all black and white) that also means people are either all good or all bad. Your sisters and parents seem to think in black and white. Your brother can’t be bad so he must be all good. You are willing to degrade him so you must be all bad.
This isn’t a problem with your perception of life; it’s a problem with theirs. They cannot hold two opposing truths in their minds.