MOOKS - Dating & Expenses

[mcppalmbeach]

If you have kids who are dating, particularly if they don’t have their own jobs, how do they handle dates and who pays? My 15yo ds is starting to date someone (omg) for the first time. My friends are adamant my son needs to pay for all dates. I agree if someone asks someone on a date (especially a first date) they should pay. There hasn’t really been an asking out situation, they’ve just decided together to do stuff. Tomorrow they are doing a movie and dinner. He really has no money, it’s hard to get a job here when you aren’t 16 and honestly he’s gotten great grades but he has to work his ass off for them so I’m not pushing the job thing. We don’t do allowance because the only job the kids have is to clean up after themselves and I’m not paying them for that.

[VillainV]

I feel like 15 is old enough that he probably had some of his own spending money? Like from birthdays or odd jobs? He can use that.

Honestly though, it may be helpful to give him an allowance that isn’t tied to chores so that he can start managing a small amount of money. Most experts recommend $1/week per year of age, so $15/week or $60/month (if that fits into your budget) that he can spend on his own entertainment and activities. He’ll learn how much stuff costs, how to plan activities that fit into his budget, how to save, etc.

If that doesn’t work, you could come up with “extra” one-time jobs around the house that you’re willing to pay him for. Cleaning all the baseboards in the house might be good for $20. Washing the windows inside and out might be worth $20-30 depending on how many windows you have. One-time weeding of the garden maybe $15-20. Again, if this fits into your budget.

[livinitup]

My teen has a job and dates but I haven’t noticed any dates as expensive as dinner & a movie. We have always paid for extra kids when we eat out or go places. And our kid (duh). Dating has been hanging at eat other’s houses, the prom (each paid for their own ticket), meet ups at other friend’s houses (games, movies), walking around, free concerts, kid stuff. They can order pizza and eat anything we have for dinner, what’s in the fridge, etc.

I suppose you set a dollar amount you are willing to contribute to his dating life and he adjusts to it? There certainly is a “go Dutch” feeling in our kid’s circles. I guess when you have a job and can treat your date to fancier things, your dating options improve. Haha

Isn’t being a teenager and dating and having no money just normal? You get creative. My dad had a boat and we would take it out all the time (thanks, dad!) and use his credit at the boat dock to get beers and wings (sorry, dad!). Kid stuff.

[cjcouple]

Pay for their own dates.

Heck, they even pay for their own friend outings. they like to go out to eat, to the movies, etc. I've suggested gift cards as birthday and Christmas gifts for favorite places.

My oldest just started dating someone and they mostly hang out at her house and watch movies or play pool.

He went to her dance competition and they've been to the movies once.

I might throw him a little money once in a while but he understands he needs to pay. He was working but they stopped scheduling him after he asked for a few weeks off for graduation and Prom. He's leaving for college in a few weeks and August 1 in campus jobs go up. So he can apply to those.

My youngest (15) is not dating but he is earning a little money on Sundays when I work watching our dog. He gets up early with him, feeds him, walks him.

I know the dog is a family responsibility BUT it gives him a little spending money and responsibility. He doesn't whine or complain about it ans it is helping me out because if he wasn't home or sleeping in, the dog would be in the crate.

ETA: I wasnt even thinking about Prom. I paid for him fully (tux, ticket, student dues), he had a date as a Senior and she bought her own ticket. I also paid my own ticket in HS and date paid their own. I wasn't thinking about that as a "date" in the sense OP was asking. lol

[litebright]

My DD1 (16) started dating this past February. She dates girls so it is a slightly different dynamic. She had a job last summer at 15 that lasted well into fall and restarted in late spring; the girl she was dating did not have a job or spending money from her parent.

DD1 paid for everything, all the time. And some of the things were pretty expensive, like a day at a comic-con (tickets, food, etc). I would encourage them to do less expensive or free things and often they did (binge-watching stuff, baking together), but after awhile it did start to bother me that her girlfriend often suggested expensive activities (let's go to a con together! Let's go to an amusement park for the day!) and then expected DD1 to pay for everything.

It wasn't an equal ability-to-pay-or-not-pay dynamic, which complicated things. DD1 not only had a job and her GF did not, her GF's family was very much less well-off than we are, so I didn't feel like I could say to her mom, hey, what do you think about chipping in on X Y or Z so the kids can go do it. There were times (like at the con) when I went along and bought food for them both because the GF insisted she wasn't hungry and I knew she was, she just didn't have enough money for both food and a souvenir.

My kid both has a job and a bank account with an allowance for chores, so by and large I kept my mouth shut and let her decide if she wanted to spend her money on activities with her GF. I paid for the things I felt comfortable paying for. The relationship eventually petered out before "who pays" became a major issue, but I did discuss with DD1 that really, in a healthy relationship, at some point both people should be discussing who pays for what and contributing toward paying for expensive joint activities or deciding together to do things that don't cost very much so that it isn't on one person all the time.

If DD1 didn't have a job or chore money and wanted to take a GF out, we would be having a lot of conversations about what activities, related costs, how frequently that was going to be able to happen, etc. and they would be doing a lot of free/cheap activities but I would absolutely fund the occasional dinner/movie, bowling, etc. kind of stuff.

[wildrice]

I don't think it's a fair expectation that a kid with no or little money should have to pay for everything, regardless of gender. He can do other non financial things to provide support or make her feel special.

[Roc A Bee]

My SD mostly hung out at home with her boyfriend or would walk to Starbucks, so low cost outings. If they went to a movie, he typically would pay and always paid for their dance tickets at school. He did have a job washing cars for his dad’s business.

She would buy him bday gifts. We never paid for them. She, I believe used her own money, or maybe her mom paid for some of it. We did not directly (she may have saved bday money).

[sandandsea]

My kids aren’t there yet but I think I’d come up with additional chores to earn money for dates/friends/hanging out/ etc. things like taking out the trash, cooking, weeding, mowing, laundry, etc so they learn to do more around the house for the whole family/house (not just picking up after themselves).

[expectantsteelerfan]

My ds and his gf usually just hang at one of our houses or go watch each other's sporting events. The few times they've gone somewhere that costs money, I've given ds enough to cover himself and her, but I think she has paid for herself. It's been getting ice cream or admission to a sporting event that wasn't covered by their student pass. He also wanted to buy her a souvenir when we were on vacation, and I think I paid for that, although his grandparents had given him money for the trip and he may have used that if he hadn't already spent it.

We don't do allowance, but if he was wanting to do more stuff that cost money, I probably would need to start doing that.

[gummybear]

Our DD works so she pays for most of her socializing herself. Amongst the group as a whole (jobless included) Venmo is huge and they are always shuffling money back and forth for food/gas/whatever. I’d recomnend getting him on a budget (whether that money is earned is up to you) and letting him use it as he sees fit. The kids have done a great job of settling things out themselves. Good life skill. We also have DD track her spending categorically each month so she can see where she’s blowing the most (FOOD). Invaluable habit to get into!

[honeydew1894]

Not dating yet, but DS (12) does extra chores for money--like washing cars, mowing lawn, etc. He is saving up for a kyack so we offer him chances to earn money in ways that also help us out.

[jinkies]

My son usually paid, but I think the most expensive thing they ever did was go to the movies. Her parents didn't fully approve so they weren't really allowed to do a lot of stuff unsupervised. They mostly hung out at each other's homes a lot.

I do think that by 15 it's good to start giving him some money to manage, just generally in life. It's an important life skill. Whether you tie it to chores or just make it a general allowance is your call.

[ssmjlm]

At 15 I would get him setup with something that he can learn money management skills. How you load that account is up to you.

My kid has a capital one teen checking we started a few months ago. Mostly because our local amusement park is cashless and a lot of us have passes so if a family is going, they’ll invite a friend and vice versa.

She has her own login on the app and can see her balance and spending tends. She gets $25 every other week.

[leahcar]

We had a conversation pretty early that it is not parental responsibility to fund her dating life. There are periodic reminders on this topic, but the message largely seems to have been received.

My DD and her BF mostly take turns paying for stuff. They both have PT jobs over the summer. I have given her a little money on occasion; his parents do the same.

I paid for them to eat at prom since that was a special occasion. We also pay if they are with us on a family outing. The vast majority of stuff they do are things they can afford on their own or just hanging out at one of our houses.

[Jalapeñomel]

I think kids should split the cost of dates, regardless of gender.

And I think if they want to date, this is something they should save up for or find low cost activities (save for family events).

[rooster222]

My dd and her boyfriend pay for their own dates If they do something with us, we pay. If they complain they are broke I make suggestions for free activities.

That being said...my dd was complaining that her friends' parents cover all their eating out costs and we don't. (Who knows if this is even true.) So, we supply paid jobs around the house if she wants extra money. She already has a job and does save but now that we pay $20 for mowing the lawn, she does that every week because she knows it will cover a few trips to the ice cream shop or whatever and she doesn't have to dip into her work money.

[marie]

Everyone pays their own portion around here. DD (13 years old) has a “boyfriend” and we make sure she has money every time they do something together. I put boyfriend in quotes because they are more like really good friends, but they have the label of gf and bf

[calmcosmo]

DD (15) refs lacrosse in the spring and fall (weekends only, gets paid $42/game so makes $200-$250/weekend during the season and it covers her for awhile) and babysits.

DS (13) gets paid to mow the lawn ($20) and wash our cars ($20-$30 depending on whether he does the interior too). He occasionally mows for neighbors and gets paid to dog-sit the neighbors golden retriever sometimes.

Both kids get a modest ($10/week) allowance to do their chores and to cover incidental things. Our daughter plays varsity field hockey and lacrosse and they do a lot of "team breakfasts" and while we technically fund them through her allowance, it is "her money" so she can choose whether she really wants the $8 bagel. We put all birthday money in savings, allowance and spending money in spending/checking. They have USAA and Venmo Teen accounts.

[calmcosmo]

Jul 26, 2024 8:11:45 GMT -5 rooster222 said:

That being said...my dd was complaining that her friends' parents cover all their eating out costs and we don't. (Who knows if this is even true.) So, we supply paid jobs around the house if she wants extra money. She already has a job and does save but now that we pay $20 for mowing the lawn, she does that every week because she knows it will cover a few trips to the ice cream shop or whatever and she doesn't have to dip into her work money.

We deal with this too.

My kids attend a private school where there is a lot of wealth. They attend because I'm the upper school counselor (it's the only way we can afford it) and we are not at the same income level as most of their peers. Most of their friends have credit cards where the parents pay for "incidentals" which translates to any costs that are food, gas, (insert whatever the parent values). For us, if our kids want to go to breakfast with friends or get ice cream, that is on them to budget. I think in the long run our kids are learning a more valuable lesson about money management, but dealing with the FOMO and comparisons is draining sometimes. ((and do get me started on the lululemon and golden gooses and all of the other crap  ).

[rosiebear]

Honestly, I’d slip the kid $20-40 once in a while.

[rooster222]

Jul 26, 2024 8:27:27 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

Jul 26, 2024 8:11:45 GMT -5 rooster222 said:

That being said...my dd was complaining that her friends' parents cover all their eating out costs and we don't. (Who knows if this is even true.) So, we supply paid jobs around the house if she wants extra money. She already has a job and does save but now that we pay $20 for mowing the lawn, she does that every week because she knows it will cover a few trips to the ice cream shop or whatever and she doesn't have to dip into her work money.

We deal with this too.

My kids attend a private school where there is a lot of wealth. They attend because I'm the upper school counselor (it's the only way we can afford it) and we are not at the same income level as most of their peers. Most of their friends have credit cards where the parents pay for "incidentals" which translates to any costs that are food, gas, (insert whatever the parent values). For us, if our kids want to go to breakfast with friends or get ice cream, that is on them to budget. I think in the long run our kids are learning a more valuable lesson about money management, but dealing with the FOMO and comparisons is draining sometimes. ((and do get me started on the lululemon and golden gooses and all of the other crap  ).

Oh yes to all of this! We live in a very affluent area so this is all ongoing. My dd just had to make a choice if she wanted to spend $300 on a plane ticket to go to a concert with her bougie friends. Initially she was sooo mad that we wouldn't pay. She came around and gets it now (she didn't go). It can be hard as a parent to say no and even though we could have afforded it, it's a big luxury to fly to concerts on high school. In the end it will be better to have an understanding of the value of money and how to manage it.

[gottadobe]

As a boy mom, I've never liked the fact that he would be expected to pay for all dates.
As a woman who was dating, I felt like the man should pay (or whoever invited). I fully recognize the hypocrisy.
I also would slip him $20-40 occasionally for a movie or whatever, but he was always such a homebody, they usually just hung around the house

[countthestars]

I don't think he should have to pay for everything just because he's the boy.

I do think, if financially possible for the family, that the best way to set kids up for future financial stability is to start teaching them money management early. For us, that looks like allowance that is not linked to chores. My kids get $1/year of age per week as their own money. They use it for any spending outside of the norm of what we'd buy for them (ex. school clothes - we buy, trinkets at Target - their money).

[definitelyO]

Why can't I remember from 4 years ago? DS started dating freshman year of HS (he's now headed to college). It was a neighbor girl and I don't remember them doing anything "big". For homecoming - one of their first official dates, I bought his suit coat and pants, etc.. and she got the tickets (they were free as she was on Senate), dinner was at a friend's house and the mom ordered Qdoba - I pitched in his $15 and she paid her own $15 for the food.

after that I think it was mutual... I didn't specifically give him $$ for dates, but he earned an allowance (dog stuff, dishes, bathroom cleaning) and he had access to his bday and holiday funds. any gifts he bought her came out of his own funds. but don't get me wrong - I'd give him $10/$20 here and there.

[skidunks]

DS1 and his gf started dating in February and they mainly hang out and our house or her house. They went bowling once and after he realized how expensive it was they didn’t do that again. They might get ice cream and I think he usually pays but honestly for the most part they just hang out and watch their show together or watch You Tube or something. He’s a year older than her and has a job but both of them are super busy and they really don’t see each other all that much.

[eb777888]

I'd help him out.

On who's paying, I have no idea! David hasn't gone on a formal date yet but I have no clue. Based on where we live I do feel it's probably the expectation that he will pay.

[isabel]

My kids receive an allowance with zero expectations. I do it so they can learn to manage money on their own and start making decisions about how to spend it. They are expected to help around the house because they live here. It's not optional.

I would start giving him some spending money.

[nicolewi]

Nobody’s dating anybody here right now. When we briefly had this situation, I gave DD money for stuff like movie, ice cream. He invited her to a couple things and paid, but nothing expensive. He had a job and DD did not. We didn’t do allowance at the time so I gave kids some cash as needed.

[emilyinchile]

If it's a question of whether he should pay or parents should pay, then that's a family decision, but my vote is going to be for some kind of allowance/possibility to earn money that is then all that he has for dates, mainly so he can learn how to manage his money.

If these parents are saying he should pay because he's a boy dating a girl, they are stuck somewhere in the past, and I'm frankly a little horrified about the gender norms they're not only believing but passing on.

[devonpow]

I didn’t read through the responses yet so sorry if I’m repeating….first, why does he need to pay for all dates??!? That seems crazy. Sure if you ask someone out you can be expected to pay (boy or girl) but in an established relationship where you go out why would one person always pay??

DS1 (17) has a summer job but we still give him cash when he asks for a night out (we don’t give an allowance, so we have no problem giving $10 or $20 here and there - he’s not a big spender and doesn’t ask often so it works for us). He and his girlfriend don’t tend to do expensive things - they mostly watch movies at one of our houses or go out for inexpensive meals. Occasionally they pay for each other or each pay for themselves.