Would this bother you? (grandparent related)

[purplepenguin7]

I've been meaning to make a long post about this but I don't have the energy so this is the short version.

Essentially, my brother and I live similar distances from my/our mother (around 15-20 mins, though he is on the closer end). My mom is constantly picking up my neice (5) and nephew (8) and will take them to the park, to get ice cream, other random things while my SIL stays home.  She has never once done this for my daughter (5). She will occasionally take my daughter somewhere but it always involves me going, or bringing her somewhere.

My brother owns a retail business and works long untraditional hours, my SIL is a SAHM. My H and I both work corporate jobs with standard 9-5 (ish) hours and our daughter is in childcare until 6pm. 

I tell my mom basically every time that I think it's wrong and hurtful that she's never done she never comes and takes my daughter out but she is always full of excuses.  They range from "you're never home", "she's in school until 6",  "I thought you would want to spend time with me too" and whatever else. On several occasions, my mom has called me and said she was taking neice and nephew to the park and asked if me/my h/daughter wanted to meet them there.  I've started saying no to that. 

It's really starting to grate on me, but I am not sure if I am making too much out of nothing.  We don't necessarily need the help or the break and if we do need something my mom helps out without out question. 

This was a bit ramble-y but would love to get other's opinions.

[countthestars]

That would definitely bother me. I am sorry. I don't have great advice.

Does she like SIL? Do you think she truly does like to hang out with you but doesn't care to hang out with SIL? Does your bro or SIL ASK her to do that and you just don't realize it? Was your mom a SAHM and thinks SIL needs a break but you don't (I am NOT condoning any of this, just curious why she treats you differently, even after you've voiced how it makes you feel).

[tacokick]

Are you guys in the same direction or is she in the middle? Does she like SIL?

And I would be annoyed! But I’d wonder if there was some hidden reason. Like my parents would do more everyday stuff for my brother (like walk his dogs during the work day) because they thought he was incompetent.

[turboteal]

Your SIL stays home full time with the kids, and her husband is gone most of the day? And your kid is in school/daycare 5 days a week until 6pm, then you and husband are both home with her? Honestly, it seems like your mom is just trying to give your SIL some breaks/downtime to herself. It's hard to parent 24/7 like that, and even when her husband is home I'm sure she's still the default or preferred parent. It sounds like your mom is trying to respond to your feeling that it's unfair by inviting you and your daughter along, why are you refusing those? Maybe ask if she can pick up your daughter too instead of having you join them if that's the issue? I wonder if your mom also takes the other grandkids by herself but invites you with your daughter because she is actually more comfortable hanging out with her own daughter than her daughter in law. I can see how it feels unfair that she does more with the other kids, but it doesn't sound like she's favoring them, more that she's trying to help SIL get downtime, which you don't need as much help getting. I do think you should let your daughter go with the grandkids when your mom offers though!

[cricketwife]

Aug 14, 2024 20:47:37 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

It's really starting to grate on me, but I am not sure if I am making too much out of nothing.  We don't necessarily need the help or the break and if we do need something my mom helps out without question. 

This was a bit ramble-y but would love to get other's opinions.

I would be annoyed AND I think it is largely a scheduling schedule. Your daughter is only really available on weekends.  She has really easy access to the others.  Additionally, she may not feel comfortable handling all 3 kids alone, thus inviting you along. I’m not saying she should ignore your child, but I did notice with my mom that “elderly logic” is different than how I think. 

I would try not to lose sight of the bolded.  That is huge. Though I also understand your disappointment. 

Finally, perhaps you could approach the conversation differently with your mother.  “I have really fond memories of my grandparents from when I was a kid (if true) and I would really like DD to have the same.  I feel sad that she isn’t getting the opportunity to build a strong relationship with you. I think that relationship is a really important one in her life and development.”  

[purplepenguin7]

to answer a few general questions, my mom and SIL get a long great, though I do think there is some truth to the fact that my mom would rather go out eat, go shopping, that kind of stuff with me. But I feel like that doesn't mean she can't spend time alone with my child the way she does her other grandchildren. My mom wasn't a SAHM technically but did have a very flexible job and was home with us a lot. She was also a single mom and relied on my grandparents a lot so I think she's projecting in a way?


But also yes to this. However, it doesn't make me feel better than she is picking up their slack. 

Aug 14, 2024 22:36:57 GMT -5 tacokick said:

And I would be annoyed! But I’d wonder if there was some hidden reason. Like my parents would do more everyday stuff for my brother (like walk his dogs during the work day) because they thought he was incompetent.

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 0:26:12 GMT -5 turboteal said:

Your SIL stays home full time with the kids, and her husband is gone most of the day? And your kid is in school/daycare 5 days a week until 6pm, then you and husband are both home with her? Honestly, it seems like your mom is just trying to give your SIL some breaks/downtime to herself. It's hard to parent 24/7 like that, and even when her husband is home I'm sure she's still the default or preferred parent. It sounds like your mom is trying to respond to your feeling that it's unfair by inviting you and your daughter along, why are you refusing those? Maybe ask if she can pick up your daughter too instead of having you join them if that's the issue? I wonder if your mom also takes the other grandkids by herself but invites you with your daughter because she is actually more comfortable hanging out with her own daughter than her daughter in law. I can see how it feels unfair that she does more with the other kids, but it doesn't sound like she's favoring them, more that she's trying to help SIL get downtime, which you don't need as much help getting. I do think you should let your daughter go with the grandkids when your mom offers though!

the issue with the bolded is that I end up being in charge of all 3 kids.  every.single.time.  Its me pushing them on the swings, me taking them to the bathroom, me chasing them around a play place. 

I started refusing the time my H was away for entire week, I had to commute in the city, drop my daughter off extra early so I could catch the train, scramble through work all day so I could leave early and be on time to pick her up...and then my mom called me and I asked if I wanted to meet her at the park with the two other kids (minus SIL bc she needed "a break").  That was my breaking point. 

I should mention that even though my SIL is a SAHM at 5 and 8 both kids are in school for most or part of the day.

re this:maybe ask if she can pick up your daughter too instead of having you join them if that's the issue?- I ask this 100s of times.  She can't fit all 3 kids in the car because she only has one car seat for the 5 year old (mine btw) so my SIL needs to install hers into my moms car and then it's a whole thing and doesn't make sense for a trip to the local park or for ice cream. 

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 5:31:35 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Aug 14, 2024 20:47:37 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

It's really starting to grate on me, but I am not sure if I am making too much out of nothing.  We don't necessarily need the help or the break and if we do need something my mom helps out without question. 

This was a bit ramble-y but would love to get other's opinions.

I would be annoyed AND I think it is largely a scheduling schedule. Your daughter is only really available on weekends.  She has really easy access to the others.  Additionally, she may not feel comfortable handling all 3 kids alone, thus inviting you along. I’m not saying she should ignore your child, but I did notice with my mom that “elderly logic” is different than how I think. 

I would try not to lose sight of the bolded.  That is huge. Though I also understand your disappointment. 

Finally, perhaps you could approach the conversation differently with your mother.  “I have really fond memories of my grandparents from when I was a kid (if true) and I would really like DD to have the same.  I feel sad that she isn’t getting the opportunity to build a strong relationship with you. I think that relationship is a really important one in her life and development.”  

the thing with the 3 kids is that she does have all 3 of them often, because nearly every time I ask her to babysit she goes and picks up the other two (or maybe my SIL drops off) so they can all play together. But aside from that, it's not that I want her to have all 3.  I just would like her once in a while to say "let me pick up A early from daycare and take her to park!" or something like that.  never ever has she done this even once.

Anyway, like I said.  This was the short verision, I could go on and on about all the time she's done stuff with them and not my kid but not vice versa.


I'll share one other story for context.


We have a local park with a zoo, carousel and train.  My family has an annual pass. My mom was watching my daughter and I gave her our card (they don't check IDs and admission is like $4 anyway) and said if you are bored, take her to the zoo she likes it there and lots of stuff to do (my mom also loves walking and being active so not a physical limitation).  She didn't take her that day, fine whatever not a big deal.

A few weeks later my SIL and I have an event together.  My mom is watching neice and nephew but my daughter has a bunch of stuff planned so my H stays with her and takes her to her busy day of events.  Later than day my mom posts pictures that she took the two of them to that same location (paid for not with my card).  The went to zoo, rode the carousel, the train and that jazz. I asked my mom about and she was all like "I needed to keep them busy all day!".  That really irritated me.

[jinkies]

I'm sorry. I'm the SIL in this scenario and while I love my MIL, it is 100% because she is more comfortable hanging out with her own daughter than with me. She will do things like make plans with her daughter and her kids, and offer to just pick my kids up rather than invite me and the kids to meet them.

It is very weird that your mom is continuing even though you've talked to her repeatedly about it.

[tacokick]

Aug 15, 2024 7:09:31 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

to answer a few general questions, my mom and SIL get a long great, though I do think there is some truth to the fact that my mom would rather go out eat, go shopping, that kind of stuff with me. But I feel like that doesn't mean she can't spend time alone with my child the way she does her other grandchildren. My mom wasn't a SAHM technically but did have a very flexible job and was home with us a lot. She was also a single mom and relied on my grandparents a lot so I think she's projecting in a way?


But also yes to this. However, it doesn't make me feel better than she is picking up their slack. 

Aug 14, 2024 22:36:57 GMT -5 tacokick said:

And I would be annoyed! But I’d wonder if there was some hidden reason. Like my parents would do more everyday stuff for my brother (like walk his dogs during the work day) because they thought he was incompetent.

I was still super annoyed with them about doing that even though I got it.

I would have a talk with your mom again and see if you can really drive home the point that you’d like her to spend more one on one time with your kid. I’d think your kid would notice this too (or will soon) and that might drive a wedge between them. And she still might not do it. It sounds like she almost thinks like your kid needs less and is “easier” which is unfortunate and untrue.

I’m sorry; it must be so frustrating.

[midwestmama]

I'm sorry, I can understand that you feel hurt. Maybe I missed this in the comments, but would you be ok with your DD missing a day of daycare here and there to spend time with your mom? And if so, clearly let your mom know that and ask her if you could set up a schedule in advance for "grandma days." (Such as, the first Wednesday of the month, or something like that.)

For me, I am close with my mom and we like to spend time together, so I could see my mom wanting me to be present/do things together, without her specifically saying it. (I am not close with my MIL and don't trust her to drive my kids around and we could not trust her to care for them when they were little, so I have not been in that situation as a DIL.)

[expectantsteelerfan]

Aug 15, 2024 7:39:32 GMT -5 midwestmama said:

I'm sorry, I can understand that you feel hurt. Maybe I missed this in the comments, but would you be ok with your DD missing a day of daycare here and there to spend time with your mom? And if so, clearly let your mom know that and ask her if you could set up a schedule in advance for "grandma days." (Such as, the first Wednesday of the month, or something like that.)

For me, I am close with my mom and we like to spend time together, so I could see my mom wanting me to be present/do things together, without her specifically saying it. (I am not close with my MIL and don't trust her to drive my kids around and we could not trust her to care for them when they were little, so I have not been in that situation as a DIL.)

This was my first thought.  I could see a grandparent not wanting to mess with the schedule of 'school' that you have paid for and arranged and transported your kid to just so they can spend time with your kid, esp. if THEY feel like they see your kid enough.  I would try again to make it clear that you think it's important that she spend one on one time with your DD, and you are willing to have your DD miss daycare time in order for it to happen.  

My impression is that she's not doing it because she doesn't see it as a NEED for your DD and your family like she does for your SILs family.  She is providing them with a service that is helpful for them, I.e. childcare and a break, that you already have covered with daycare.  From the brief descriptions you've given of how you end up being the one to look after the kids if you are present and how she needed to keep the kids busy, it doesn't sound like she actually ENJOYS keeping small kids active all day, but does it to help out, so IMO it kinda makes sense that she's not going out of her way to schedule more time doing that with your kid who doesn't NEED that, but instead schedules stuff with you and your DD, which she is more likely to actually enjoy.  I would hope that as the kids get older and easier to manage, she would naturally spend more time with your DD on her own, but for the sake of your relationship, it's probably worth talking about.  

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 7:29:52 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I'm sorry. I'm the SIL in this scenario and while I love my MIL, it is 100% because she is more comfortable hanging out with her own daughter than with me. She will do things like make plans with her daughter and her kids, and offer to just pick my kids up rather than invite me and the kids to meet them.

It is very weird that your mom is continuing even though you've talked to her repeatedly about it.

I'm sorry if you feel excluded from your MIL, I definetely did not mean it come off like my SIL isn't invited places or we don't want her there. I just want to mention that my SIL 100% invited everywhere and we all get along great.  I feel like these are excuses from my mom.  Also I do not blame my SIL for this at all, it is all on my mother. When I talk to her about it she doesn't see anything wrong with what she does, which is why I wanted a gut-check to see if I was being irrationally upset. 

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 7:33:34 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Aug 15, 2024 7:09:31 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

to answer a few general questions, my mom and SIL get a long great, though I do think there is some truth to the fact that my mom would rather go out eat, go shopping, that kind of stuff with me. But I feel like that doesn't mean she can't spend time alone with my child the way she does her other grandchildren. My mom wasn't a SAHM technically but did have a very flexible job and was home with us a lot. She was also a single mom and relied on my grandparents a lot so I think she's projecting in a way?


But also yes to this. However, it doesn't make me feel better than she is picking up their slack. 

I was still super annoyed with them about doing that even though I got it.

I would have a talk with your mom again and see if you can really drive home the point that you’d like her to spend more one on one time with your kid. I’d think your kid would notice this too (or will soon) and that might drive a wedge between them. And she still might not do it. It sounds like she almost thinks like your kid needs less and is “easier” which is unfortunate and untrue.

I’m sorry; it must be so frustrating.

yes!!  you've really nailed this situation right on the head. 

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 7:39:32 GMT -5 midwestmama said:

I'm sorry, I can understand that you feel hurt. Maybe I missed this in the comments, but would you be ok with your DD missing a day of daycare here and there to spend time with your mom? And if so, clearly let your mom know that and ask her if you could set up a schedule in advance for "grandma days." (Such as, the first Wednesday of the month, or something like that.)

For me, I am close with my mom and we like to spend time together, so I could see my mom wanting me to be present/do things together, without her specifically saying it. (I am not close with my MIL and don't trust her to drive my kids around and we could not trust her to care for them when they were little, so I have not been in that situation as a DIL.)

my mom still works full time so she wouldn't take her out the whole day.  But I have on many occasions said she could pick her up early and take her out, she just never does.  But she has picked her up a few times on days that we NEED her too so she's comfortable with the process. 

the conversation usually goes like this

me: Why don't you ever pick up "A" and take her out for the afternoon
mom: I can't! she's at school until 6
me: She doesn't HAVE to stay there until 6 that's just the time we are able to get to her.  Many kids leave earlier than her and in fact she one of the last ones there every day. 
mom: oh..well..i'll see one day. (and then never does)

[jinkies]

Aug 15, 2024 8:15:43 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

Aug 15, 2024 7:29:52 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I'm sorry. I'm the SIL in this scenario and while I love my MIL, it is 100% because she is more comfortable hanging out with her own daughter than with me. She will do things like make plans with her daughter and her kids, and offer to just pick my kids up rather than invite me and the kids to meet them.

It is very weird that your mom is continuing even though you've talked to her repeatedly about it.

I'm sorry if you feel excluded from your MIL, I definetely did not mean it come off like my SIL isn't invited places or we don't want her there. I just want to mention that my SIL 100% invited everywhere and we all get along great.  I feel like these are excuses from my mom.  Also I do not blame my SIL for this at all, it is all on my mother. When I talk to her about it she doesn't see anything wrong with what she does, which is why I wanted a gut-check to see if I was being irrationally upset. 

It doesn't really hurt my feelings, I was just confirming that's probably the reason. Like I said, MIL and I get along. I don't think it's a fully conscious choice on her part, just what feels natural for her.

I would be hurt in your shoes. I was going to suggest that you establish a "grandma day" of the week where your mom always picks up your daughter from daycare (that's actually what my MIL does every Tuesday-- takes the kids after school through dinner time) but if she is also working that might be a bit much for her.  

[kath16]

Aug 15, 2024 8:22:06 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

Aug 15, 2024 7:39:32 GMT -5 midwestmama said:

I'm sorry, I can understand that you feel hurt. Maybe I missed this in the comments, but would you be ok with your DD missing a day of daycare here and there to spend time with your mom? And if so, clearly let your mom know that and ask her if you could set up a schedule in advance for "grandma days." (Such as, the first Wednesday of the month, or something like that.)

For me, I am close with my mom and we like to spend time together, so I could see my mom wanting me to be present/do things together, without her specifically saying it. (I am not close with my MIL and don't trust her to drive my kids around and we could not trust her to care for them when they were little, so I have not been in that situation as a DIL.)

my mom still works full time so she wouldn't take her out the whole day.  But I have on many occasions said she could pick her up early and take her out, she just never does.  But she has picked her up a few times on days that we NEED her too so she's comfortable with the process. 

the conversation usually goes like this

me: Why don't you ever pick up "A" and take her out for the afternoon
mom: I can't! she's at school until 6
me: She doesn't HAVE to stay there until 6 that's just the time we are able to get to her.  Many kids leave earlier than her and in fact she one of the last ones there every day. 
mom: oh..well..i'll see one day. (and then never does)

my parents are overwhelmed by the whole idea of picking my kids up at school, tbh. they don't know the procedures, etc. that we do every day. and i could also understand why she wouldn't want to pull her out of school that you scheduled, paid for, presumably she enjoys, etc. if she is spending time in other ways. surely she isn't pulling your niece and nephew out of school.

i guess i'm just really not sure, as an outsider, what exactly you're looking for from her. not to say that your feelings aren't valid here, but objectively it sounds like different family situations are calling for different ways of working.

[kitty]

My mom is much closer to my niece than she is to my kids. A lot of this is the distance - I'm 2 hours away and my sis is 10 min away but some of it is need and boundaries. My BIL is worse than useless so my mom picks up the slack and spends a lot of time watching my niece. My mom is also a night owl and not open to changing her schedule to have it align with that of young kids. If she was to come visit for the day, she would like to arrive around 4pm and stay until midnight. When my kids were younger, she would get annoyed when we started their bedtime routine at 7pm because she felt like she wasn't getting to visit with them enough. I repeatedly explained that if she wanted to spend more time with the kids, she needed to plan to arrive earlier but she rarely did. Or she would say she was coming earlier but then be 2-3 hours late. We felt that making sure our kids got enough sleep was important and were only willing to move their bedtime by a reasonable amount. My sister, otoh, lets her DD stay up late to spend time with my parents on their terms and then gets in fights with BIL about niece not getting enough sleep. My sister even once woke my niece up sometime between 9-10pm after she had already fallen asleep to make a cameo at a family function.

So between the distance, us not budging on the late night visits, and my sis needing actual help vs just for fun visits, over the years my mom has grown much closer to my niece. I do feel hurt about it sometimes but then I talk to my mom and hear her comment on niece's body size or complain to me about sis not taking her parenting advice and I'm relieved that my kids aren't being exposed to that on the regular.

I think that no matter what the initial reason for her taking niece and nephew more, the natural evolution might be that now she feels closer to them? I think I would try to specifically plan things for your DD and mom to do. Maybe she can do a sleepover on a Friday sometimes? Or maybe you can find a specific thing to ask her if she can pick up DD and take her to while you are still at work? The key may be to maintain the relationship now so that in the future if your mom has more bandwidth if she is no longer working FT and the kids are older and carseat issues aren't a thing she and your DD still want to spend time together.

ETA: I just thought of another thing when you said that when your mom has DD she picks up niece and nephew so they can play together: maybe your mom gets overwhelmed feeling like she has to "entertain" your DD if she is solo? My mom complains to me a lot about how niece (who is an only) can't play independently and wants my mom playing with her every second, which my mom finds exhausting. When niece comes to visit, she runs off and plays with my 3 and my sis tells me she feels like she's on vacation. Maybe niece and nephew play together which your mom feels like takes some of the pressure off her to be "on" the whole time, especially if she's already tired from working FT?

[erbear]

that would really bother me. I'm sorry.

[jennistarr1]

Yes it would bother me

in fact, I can think of even "less" things that bother me

But I will say, I think I have figured out, that parents treat kids and grandkids differently, in ways that don't entirely make sense or maybe seem fair to the other person. But there are different needs, different relationships, and differences.

For example, my kids are treated way different than my nieces...in my making sense of it all, my guess is because my nieces' parents are divorced, there was this swoop in effect of providing extra everything to "compensate". Again not saying it makes actual sense but different needs formed differences in relationships

[sometimesrunner]

This would also bother me. I think others are right that she thinks it's "easier" to get the other kids because they have less of schedule. I also wonder if it's easier for her to take 2 kids to the park since they may play with other more vs. taking 1 kid means she may have to play/interact with them more? I wish I had advice, I'd probably just silently seethe!

[ssmjlm]

Yep, would bother me, but you've brought up and she seems to not GAF, so I wouldn't either.

My MIL did this with two of her husband's grandkids. She claimed it was because their mom was unstable, but so was BIL's ex who had his kids, so either own up to it or stop making excuses.

Honestly she can have an arm's length relationship with my kid. She's amazing and it's her loss.

[purplepenguin7]

Aug 15, 2024 9:02:29 GMT -5 kath16 said:

Aug 15, 2024 8:22:06 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

my mom still works full time so she wouldn't take her out the whole day.  But I have on many occasions said she could pick her up early and take her out, she just never does.  But she has picked her up a few times on days that we NEED her too so she's comfortable with the process. 

the conversation usually goes like this

me: Why don't you ever pick up "A" and take her out for the afternoon
mom: I can't! she's at school until 6
me: She doesn't HAVE to stay there until 6 that's just the time we are able to get to her.  Many kids leave earlier than her and in fact she one of the last ones there every day. 
mom: oh..well..i'll see one day. (and then never does)

my parents are overwhelmed by the whole idea of picking my kids up at school, tbh. they don't know the procedures, etc. that we do every day. and i could also understand why she wouldn't want to pull her out of school that you scheduled, paid for, presumably she enjoys, etc. if she is spending time in other ways. surely she isn't pulling your niece and nephew out of school.

i guess i'm just really not sure, as an outsider, what exactly you're looking for from her. not to say that your feelings aren't valid here, but objectively it sounds like different family situations are calling for different ways of working.

I'm using afternoons as an example but I don't necessarily care that she's not pulling her out of school.  It's the easy example because she does it most often with the other grandkids.  Pretty much weekly she is taking them somewhere. But for us, it could be any time or on a weekend.  She never says "let me take A to this activity on Saturday", "maybe I'll take her for breakfast", or literally any other thing. (all things she has done with the others in the past)

Like, I said this is short version, it goes much deeper then this.  Anytime I ask if she wants to come with us somewhere, or if I suggest an activity her first instinct is to invite my neice and nephew along too.  She basically never spends 1:1 time with my daughter like she does with the other grandkids. Typing this out it seems like she could have issues with my daughter or her behavior but she really doesn't.  She would absolutely tell me if she did. 

[waverly]

Aug 15, 2024 8:17:03 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

Aug 15, 2024 7:33:34 GMT -5 tacokick said:

I was still super annoyed with them about doing that even though I got it.

I would have a talk with your mom again and see if you can really drive home the point that you’d like her to spend more one on one time with your kid. I’d think your kid would notice this too (or will soon) and that might drive a wedge between them. And she still might not do it. It sounds like she almost thinks like your kid needs less and is “easier” which is unfortunate and untrue.

I’m sorry; it must be so frustrating.

yes!!  you've really nailed this situation right on the head. 

We had a similar situation.  A lot of it is distance.  My mom and sister live an hour away, I live 5 hours away.

But my mom and BIL's aunt were aftercare so that my sister did not have to pay for aftercare.  If my sister paid, then I doubt they would have been down to her house 2 days a week every week.  Both people took 2 days a week.  

I don't really expect my mom to watch my kids at all, and the few times I ask she complains.  My mom actually complains and comments about everything so it is difficult to parse out what she actually is feeling because she will complain about watching them and not watching them.  

I think you need more specific asks.  Not a general, please pick up my kid one day from daycare.  But, hey we need help can you pick up kid from daycare, and if you need that to be more regular than ask more regularily.  

I also feel like there are issues around car seats and you having to watch all 3 at the park.  Watching all 3 at the park, you have set some boundaries so I think you are good there.  As far as car seats, maybe this year or next year yours can switch to a booster and then maybe the carseat can be used for SIL so that it isn't a whole big thing when your mom picks up all 3.  Your mom probably doesn't want all 3 for entire days since I am sure they are more work than just 2 or just 1.

Maybe you may want to plan some times where it is you, your mom, and your kid and then the 3 of you do a girls day.  I don't think your mom HAS to pick up your kid. It's just in terms of comparison with SIL and their kids.  But if there are times, I would definitely just straight up ask hey mom can you babysit kid so that we can go to a concert for example.  I think she is focused on needs and not wants, so I think you have to phrase it as a "need" and sort of ignore her other crap if possible.   

[waverly]

Aug 15, 2024 10:50:17 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

Aug 15, 2024 9:02:29 GMT -5 kath16 said:

my parents are overwhelmed by the whole idea of picking my kids up at school, tbh. they don't know the procedures, etc. that we do every day. and i could also understand why she wouldn't want to pull her out of school that you scheduled, paid for, presumably she enjoys, etc. if she is spending time in other ways. surely she isn't pulling your niece and nephew out of school.

i guess i'm just really not sure, as an outsider, what exactly you're looking for from her. not to say that your feelings aren't valid here, but objectively it sounds like different family situations are calling for different ways of working.

I'm using afternoons as an example but I don't necessarily care that she's not pulling her out of school.  It's the easy example because she does it most often with the other grandkids.  Pretty much weekly she is taking them somewhere. But for us, it could be any time or on a weekend.  She never says "let me take A to this activity on Saturday", "maybe I'll take her for breakfast", or literally any other thing. (all things she has done with the others in the past)

Like, I said this is short version, it goes much deeper then this.  Anytime I ask if she wants to come with us somewhere, or if I suggest an activity her first instinct is to invite my neice and nephew along too.  She basically never spends 1:1 time with my daughter like she does with the other grandkids. Typing this out it seems like she could have issues with my daughter or her behavior but she really doesn't.  She would absolutely tell me if she did. 

Casn you set the boundary, hey this activity is just for us.  I get that is super annoying though.  I invited you, mom, not you plus 2 other children that I then have to watch.  

[jaycee]

We are in a very similar situation and it bothers me so much that I've considered getting therapy for just this one issue. I can't get over it.

[186momx]

Yes it would bug me but more with the idea of having to run herd on extra kids at the park or wherever. Can your you/daughter invite grandma to the zoo and ask that it be just us. That your daughter wants a grammy day not a cousin day? I would also remind your mom that she has a very short window when having grandma time is considered fun. My daughter is 13 and grandma gives her rides to sports practice but she got over having grandma time around 2 grade as it just wasn't fun to be at grandmas anymore.

[simpsongal]

We have some similar dynamics though my mother and father in law go out of their way to make things fair. Our issue is more that we think brother in law asks way too much of them and they never say no. Eg, father in law takes their 3 kids to two different schools and handles school pick up 5 days per week. We want our kids (ages 7 and 10) to have quality time with the grandparents and not just be coraled while they watch 5 kids.

I’ve had to make peace with the imbalance bc bro in law makes the asks. And we’ve set our lives up such that we don’t need as much help. But to help solve the quality time issue, I found an evening the in laws could host my kids for dinner. At first,my in laws thought it was another daycare type ask but they soon realized what great quality time it was to linger over a meal, catch up, and tell stories. Dh and I get those hours to ourselves and our kids and grandparents get quality time.
ETA- I should note, we’re within a half mile of each other so distance isn’t a factor.

[ellipses84]

Your feelings are totally valid. I think you can communicate that to her in a positive, solution based way. Like, I would like you to foster a one on one relationship with my daughter or I would like her to be able to join you with niece and nephew. Ask if she can get your daughter from school once a month and do a one on one activity with her. Ask on Buy Nothing for a free car seat or get a cheap high back booster once one of them is big enough. When your DH is out of town, ask her for even more help on specific days.

I can think up a lot of legitimate / unintentional reasons she may be doing this but ultimately it hurts your feelings and she has not explained to you why. I encourage you to be honest with her and ask for what you need and want to happen.

[livinitup]

My parents are very kid-friendly, family-focused grandparents. For a variety of reasons they have been adopted as honorary grandparents to a distant relative. This relative has a young child and there are no grandparents for the child (both sets died of natural causes years ago).

All that to say, my parents volunteer to do ALL SORTS of stuff with that kid that they never volunteered to do with my kids. It’s just different!

If I am anywhere near my mother, all she wants to do is monopolize my time. No way would she ever leave me home while she takes my kids to the park. But she does it all the time with the adopted grandkid.

Your mom has a completely different relationship with your SIL and those kids than she does with you and yours. That’s okay!


ETA: And I don’t know why grandparents have an aversion to child care pick ups. My mother in law would constantly ask to spend the day with DD and we would always say yes. “You are on the list for permission to pickup. Drop off at 8 am. Lunch is at noon, she is awake from nap time at 1:30. You can pick her up ANY TIME.” She really wanted us to bring her - but we, ya know, work during the day.

One time. I remember one time she picked up DD after her nap and they spent the afternoon together.