Would this bother you? (grandparent related)

[mcppalmbeach]

I can think of valid reasons your mom is doing this, but the bottom line is it hurts your feelings and that’s ok. It doesn’t really sound like there’s an imbalance of time between the grandkids necessarily. I think you need to start being more specific in asking her for what you want. “Hey mom, I have some organizing I need to do at home. Do you think you can take dd to the park for an hour after school so I can get that done?” And go from there based on what she says.

[abs]

I was always unsuccessful in getting my mom to spend 1 on 1 time with DD. She’s a wonderful person and loves us but she wanted/wants to see all of us. Taking just DD out to do something is something she’s done like twice ever. As a result DD just isn’t that close to her. Makes me sad but without that one on one time they don’t have a bond outside of me. So I think it’s fine to push it but also grandparents seem to act different in ways that we imagined. Not much you can do.

[minniemouse]

Last year dh tried to talk to his mom about an issue similar to yours and it did not go well at all. After almost a year things are finally back to normal, or close to it. It was rough for a long time. I would let it go unless you are willing to risk the relationship.

[ECB]

I totally get why this bothers you, and I think it would bother any normal person.  I absolutely get it. 

But - you can't force your mom to treat you and your kid the same as she treats your brother and his kids. There is something different there for her in how she views her responsibility and/or relationship with each of you. Or it's about how the kids act, maybe??   It sucks, but it's how it is.  

As your DD gets older and perhaps starts to notice that she doesn't get as much time w/ your mom, how YOU respond to it will play a huge role in how she feels about it.  You can say "Yeah, she doesn't spend as much time with you and it sucks", and your DD will probably be hurt.  Or you can frame it as "they always needed more help so grandma spent more time w/ them.  But she still loves all of you!  They just have a different life than we do", and your DD won't pay as much attention to it. 

[momof2]

I feel like a bunch of people on this thread are putting the burden back on the OP. Like “only if you explained it better or requested it exactly this way, etc.” It is reminiscent of telling women that if they just explained it better or didn’t “nag” or “criticize” then men would magically start bearing the mental load and being the primary parent. Good luck.

The reality is that OP has already done all the right things and her mom is a jerk on this subject. There may be a bunch of reason why her mom does this. But it is jerky not to respond when your daughter says something is hurtful.

So, I think OP just has to decide what she wants her relationship with her mom to look like knowing her mother will never meet her needs in this area.

[waverly]

momof2 , this is very true. The fault does lie with OP's mom.

I'm guilty of allowing neighbor to do less for carpool and other shenanigans. I understand I put myself in that position instead of saying no, so I try to occasionally ask for help. It isn't really my fault at all and it isn't OPs, but it does make me feel slightly better when I ask her for something to even it out because I did 15 school pick ups and she did 5. That was my only point.

But really it may not be a 1 on 1 relationship between grandma and grandchild and that is hard when compared to SILs kids. But the reality is that my mom and ILs are not really spending one on one time with my kids either. They do occasionally, but it is very rare and orchestrated by us the parents.  They aren't picking them up for outings from school or anything like that.  There aren't any cousins in the mix though on the ILs side.

[sometimesrunner]

I thought of an idea! Next time she asks if both you and DD want to meet at the park say "oh I was just getting ready to run a few errands, but I can drop off DD! She'll be so excited for cousin and grandma time!" Then when you see her in person lay it on thick about how much you appreciate her taking them to the park, etc.

[noodleoo]

Aug 16, 2024 8:36:35 GMT -5 momof2 said:

I feel like a bunch of people on this thread are putting the burden back on the OP. Like “only if you explained it better or requested it exactly this way, etc.” It is reminiscent of telling women that if they just explained it better or didn’t “nag” or “criticize” then men would magically start bearing the mental load and being the primary parent. Good luck.

The reality is that OP has already done all the right things and her mom is a jerk on this subject. There may be a bunch of reason why her mom does this. But it is jerky not to respond when your daughter says something is hurtful.

So, I think OP just has to decide what she wants her relationship with her mom to look like knowing her mother will never meet her needs in this area.

Yeah I’m here. It sucks, but if you’ve already tried talking to grandma and she doesn’t get it or care enough to change, then there isn’t much you can do about it. You can’t change other people, only how you react to them. If you haven’t had a blunt and direct conversation where you asked her to spend more 1:1 time with your kid and that it hurts your feelings that you feel like she favors brothers kids, I’d do that and then let it go. She’ll either care and change or she won’t, but at least you tried.

But I’m here for validation. It is sucky and I’d be hurt too.

[jorja]

Yes, this would bother me.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it that you haven’t already done. I’m sorry.

[nellgirl]

I have a somewhat similar grandparent relationship. My dad and his gf (of nearly 40 years) live 5 mins for me and 10 from her son, who I was raised with. He has a child who is about a year and a half older than mine.

My dad and gf live in a 2-br house and have a bedroom for the other grandchild and pick her up from school daily. They had never watched mine for longer than 2-3 hrs, and that is maaaaaybe twice a year (she is 8.5). It’s not that I feel like they should have to watch my kid, but the disparity between the two is striking.

I have no advice, but lots of commiseration! Mine is a sweet kid and has absolutely noticed that she isn’t really part of the family in the same way as the other kid. It’s heartbreaking because she doesn’t deserve that.