WWYD (sort of @) if no-contact MIL apologized?

[redheadbaker]

Long story short -- we cut off contact with MIL 6 years ago. I had a D&E at 19 weeks due to pPROM. She commented in a FB post I made about abortion legislation basically saying abortion is fine in the first trimester, but all abortions after that are murder and should be illegal. 

We've been able to pretty easily avoid her for the past 6 years -- H's parents are divorced, and none of his siblings live near her (H's brother also cut off contact with her due to her new husband's psychological abuse). 

Well, we are going to a wedding today for one of H's nieces. She will be there. We have already made a plan for exiting quickly if she starts to make a scene. 

But H wants to know what I'd do if she apologizes. And I have honestly never given it a thought -- she tells everyone how ungrateful her sons are for cutting her out, it's their awful wives' fault, nothing is ever her fault. It never crossed my mind as a possibility. 

My gut instinct is to say "thanks" and be chilly but civil. I have honestly never liked her. H says it's my decision, though if she does apologize, it's not like he'd have her over for dinner. He seems to dislike her just as much as I do, but feels guilty because she's his mom. 

[StrawberryBlondie]

In your DH's hypothetical, is the apology genuine and sincere?

[redheadbaker]

Aug 17, 2024 10:49:42 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

In your DH's hypothetical, is the apology genuine and sincere?

He probably thinks that is possible, yes. In reality, I cannot imagine her apologizing, sincerely or not. I guess that's what's throwing me. 

[Deleted]

I mean, that’s definitely something you can figure out IF AND WHEN it happens. You don’t need to do anything in the moment, you can take time to think about whether or not she was sincere and whether or not that changes you wanting to spend time with her. A simple acknowledgment that you heard her (theoretical) apology is really all you would likely want to do in the moment.

[redheadbaker]

Aug 17, 2024 11:06:10 GMT -5 @villainv said:

I mean, that’s definitely something you can figure out IF AND WHEN it happens. You don’t need to do anything in the moment, you can take time to think about whether or not she was sincere and whether or not that changes you wanting to spend time with her. A simple acknowledgment that you heard her (theoretical) apology is really all you would likely want to do in the moment.

This is something H is still working on. When he gets upset, he wants to talk (fight) about it RIGHT NOW until it's completely resolved, whereas I would like to take five minutes to calm down before continuing. 

[livinitup]

When my mind plays these scenarios in my head, it helps to re-frame it to better reflect reality. Something like this:

What would I say if a highly manipulative person makes a highly manipulative apology to me in front of an audience of friends and family, like at a wedding?

Do you see how that’s different than thinking, ‘What if my long lost mom said ‘I’m sorry’ with tears in her eyes during a quiet, private moment during the wedding” or “What if my drunk mom starts screaming ‘I am sorry you are so ungrateful’ on the dance floor”.

General advice is usually, “Smile and nod. Back away slowly.”

If your H is coiled and ready to spring to a reaction RIGHT THEN AND THERE then he isn’t really resolved about his feelings. Even after 6 years. And as much as that may feel good in the moment, a family wedding is the last place he should indulge those feelings and that instinct.

[wanderingback]

If she apologized I would just say ok and leave it at that. I would not say "it’s ok" or anything else. As far as things going forward I would continue to keep my distance.

[ellipses84]

I’d probably say a somewhat neutral but polite response back without saying I forgive you or going into a discussion about it. Like, it’s nice to hear that, or I appreciate the apology, enjoy the wedding and walk away. I wouldn’t say more and if she tries to, I would say I don’t feel comfortable talking about this at a wedding. I think the more likely scenario is she will try to talk to you without apologizing. I don’t think you need to stress about this but it is good to have a plan in place and what to say, because I feel like I have regret when I’m caught off guard and then think of a better response later. I’m guessing she’s the type of person that doesn’t even fully realize what she did so wrong, takes no accountability and blames everyone else.

[ellipses84]

Maybe, “I’m going to need some time to process your apology and I don’t want to discuss this at a wedding.” is a better response.

[sonrisa]

Does she know why you cut contact? Did anyone explain to her? it takes a big apology to come back from accusing someone of murder.

[noodleoo]

Aug 17, 2024 11:59:20 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

Maybe, “I’m going to need some time to process your apology and I don’t want to discuss this at a wedding.” is a better response.

This. A performative apology at a public, family wedding would not be sincere to me. I would have a non-commital response ready (like ok) and walk away. That is not the time or place for that conversation. And I’d encourage you to discuss that with your H. You really don’t want them making a big scene at a wedding. Or even just ruining a nice evening for you by opening up a past trauma.

And I’m sorry for your loss and your MIL making it 1000x worse. I’m not sure I could ever forgive her for that.

[redheadbaker]

Aug 17, 2024 12:07:38 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Does she know why you cut contact? Did anyone explain to her? it takes a big apology to come back from accusing someone of murder.

I'm not sure. When she posted that, I didn't respond, just blocked her on FB and on my phone.

[redheadbaker]

We are at the chapel (ceremony hasn't started yet) and she hasn't approached us, so hopefully she won't at all.

[simpsongal]

Aug 17, 2024 13:52:38 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

We are at the chapel (ceremony hasn't started yet) and she hasn't approached us, so hopefully she won't at all.

I suspect she doesn’t know. Maybe she’ll approach your dh and he should handle it. Try to enjoy the wedding and ignore her. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[redheadbaker]

She cornered SIL, now has not come near me.

[livinitup]

redheadbaker I hope the rest of the evening was uneventful with your MIL. When I read that she cornered your SIL, all I could think was “Stay with the herd! No going off on your own.” So, at a wedding, maybe that means you got to dance on the dance floor a bit?

[redheadbaker]

Aug 17, 2024 21:44:54 GMT -5 livinitup said:

redheadbaker I hope the rest of the evening was uneventful with your MIL. When I read that she cornered your SIL, all I could think was “Stay with the herd! No going off on your own.” So, at a wedding, maybe that means you got to dance on the dance floor a bit?

It was an uneventful night! We danced, DS got to reconnect with cousins he hasn't seen in a long time. It was fun!

[gault]

I'd say thank you, excuse myself, and wait to see if her actions long term match the words.

[Michelle]

Aug 17, 2024 22:09:49 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Aug 17, 2024 21:44:54 GMT -5 livinitup said:

redheadbaker I hope the rest of the evening was uneventful with your MIL. When I read that she cornered your SIL, all I could think was “Stay with the herd! No going off on your own.” So, at a wedding, maybe that means you got to dance on the dance floor a bit?

It was an uneventful night! We danced, DS got to reconnect with cousins he hasn't seen in a long time. It was fun!

So glad for you!

I'm invested now, though. Did you talk to SIL after she was cornered? Do you know what MIL wanted with that conversation?

I'm thinking that if MIL never approached you, she probably DOES know why she has been cut off. But again, i'm invested now. 

Most importantly, I'm so glad you have a supportive husband who put respect for you above all else. By asking the question, he probably wanted to brace himself for a manipulative conversation, because that is how he has coped his whole life. Or I'm projecting.

[redheadbaker]

Aug 20, 2024 15:02:06 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Aug 17, 2024 22:09:49 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

It was an uneventful night! We danced, DS got to reconnect with cousins he hasn't seen in a long time. It was fun!

So glad for you!

I'm invested now, though. Did you talk to SIL after she was cornered? Do you know what MIL wanted with that conversation?

I'm thinking that if MIL never approached you, she probably DOES know why she has been cut off. But again, i'm invested now. 

Most importantly, I'm so glad you have a supportive husband who put respect for you above all else. By asking the question, he probably wanted to brace himself for a manipulative conversation, because that is how he has coped his whole life. Or I'm projecting.

It was a little tough to hear (music was loud at the reception), but it sounded like MIL was bitching about her sons not talking to her, and SIL told her that she had the power to make it right, then walked away. 

And yes, he is incredibly supportive. We haven't talked about it since, but I'm guessing he knew any attempted convo would be manipulative.