Excessive kid gifts from in-laws

[tiki]

Is there any way to ask my in-laws to send my kid fewer gifts without me being a total a-hole? Every holiday, my MIL sends my daughter more gifts than everyone else in her life combined. For this birthday, it's eleven wrapped packages and three cards from my in-laws, compared to eight gifts and several cards from us, my sister, my parents, and her close friends combined. I should just be grateful that my daughter has living grandparents who love her and want to be involved, right? Why does this grate on my nerves so much? 

[scm1011]

This is my mother and it bothers me SO MUCH. It’s easier to push back since it’s my own mom (I have legit told her to put gifts back in her car when she rolls up, that it’s too over the top). I would ask B to gently push back, maybe blaming space constraints. Or maybe suggest local memberships so there are less physical gifts (this hasn’t been successful in my case, my mom likes physically big, showy gifts). It’s maddening, so I commiserate.

[tiki]

scm1011, THREE CARDS. Who sends three cards for the same occasion? And nine of the packages are hand-wrapped in delicate tissue paper and tied with ribbon, so I can't screen them. ARRRGHhhh.

[scm1011]

Yeah that’s bananas. Can’t say we have ever received 3 cards (because, why?!). Guessing your DD is their only grandchild? lol

[186momx]

My DH give me multiple cards for my birthday and for our anniversary and it drives me bonkers. Nothing is in them other than his named signed. I've asked him why and he says cards say what he can't say out loud. I just roll my eyes and deal with multiple cards that I end up recycling.

tiki, are the gifts useful practical gifts at least?

[tiki]

Joke's on me, just found a 12th gift (a book of rhyming words) on our porch.

186momx , some of the gifts are nice. Clothing we can often use. She loves to send us souvenir-type things from where they live and half the Lakeshore Learning catalog, though. Sadly that stuff almost never gets used (though a toy cash register has been oddly popular over multiple years, so it's not pure junk.)

[Poppy]

Well, we have a different relationship with MIL. We told her to keep it to one book, one outfit, and one toy at most. H has made her take back anything more than that. We also don't accept stuff when she tries to bring it randomly (eg after she goes on a trip).

To be fair, we also asked that of the other two grandparents, though they were not the issue.

She has not been happy about it, and there have been times when my kids have been upset that we made her take something back, but it has been so much more reasonable/manageable. We have 5 siblings and 3 sets of grandparents that send gifts so it really is overwhelming if each one gives a lot of things. So maybe we're the assholes, but no regrets! The other siblings have thanked us for setting the precedent.

[VillainV]

- Suggest “experience” gifts like zoo or museum memberships
- Do gifts at her house and make her keep most of them over there so your kid has something to play with when you visit her
- Quietly donate excessive gifts
- Have a heart to heart and tell her you really appreciate it, and you love that she thinks of her grandchild so much, but ask that she channel some of that love toward a local charity (women’s shelter, foster organization, toys for tots, etc).

[loira]

How old is your DD? When my DD was younger, my MIL used to send a ton of gifts for Christmas and I would just have DD open 3 or 4. I'd save the rest to give to DD throughout the year, which worked well because she has a birthday pretty close to Christmas and it was nice to have some surprises for her in summer. I explained what I was doing to MIL and as far as I know she didn't care, but you could also get away with just not even telling your MIL. Now that my DD is 8, my MIL doesn't send as many - probably because as kids get older the gifts get more expensive haha.

[heygrey]

Aug 19, 2024 18:24:02 GMT -5 VillainV said:

- Suggest “experience” gifts like zoo or museum memberships
- Do gifts at her house and make her keep most of them over there so your kid has something to play with when you visit her
- Quietly donate excessive gifts
- Have a heart to heart and tell her you really appreciate it, and you love that she thinks of her grandchild so much, but ask that she channel some of that love toward a local charity (women’s shelter, foster organization, toys for tots, etc).

or even a savings account for the child. it's still excessive, but at least it's excessive towards college or a car or whatever. 

I wouldn't try to limit the gifts because it usually doesn't work. I would just be very, very clear that I will donate everything that isn't played with and stick to that. If she gets mad and asks after certain gifts I would reiterate my stance on donating unused items and once again present the opportunity to scale back, buy experience gifts, or start a savings account. 

And by "I" I mean, H would be having these conversations. His mom, his problem. 

[tiki]

loira, DD is turning 7.

We have a 529. MIL doesn't want to donate to that, or provide a subscription, or donate to charity, or an experience gift. She wants to go shopping, buy stuff, and ship it to our house. They live thousands of miles away and they bought a ton of stuff for DD the last time we visited their house, too. We tried to leave it all there when we left, and they rounded *that* up and shipped it to us. They like their house to be clean and minimalist.

[loira]

Aug 19, 2024 22:13:19 GMT -5 tiki said:

loira, DD is turning 7.

We have a 529. MIL doesn't want to donate to that, or provide a subscription, or donate to charity, or an experience gift. She wants to go shopping, buy stuff, and ship it to our house. They live thousands of miles away and they bought a ton of stuff for DD the last time we visited their house, too. We tried to leave it all there when we left, and they rounded *that* up and shipped it to us. They like their house to be clean and minimalist.

Ah, yeah by 7 your kid might notice if you're holding back gifts. My MIL also lives far away, and I do think the gifts are her way of trying to compensate for not being around to spend time with DD. We try to get her to do the university fund thing too, but like your ILs they weren't keen on it.

[felicity]

This sounds a lot like my mom. I don't have a great relationship with her and gift giving is something that has always driven me nuts about her. I've spent way too much time breaking this down with my therapist lol. Both my brother and I have told her to cut it out, and she has, mostly, but she pouts about it a bit and keeps pushing to give more. She doesn't get why it's a problem which annoys me a lot, but I just have to accept she isn't the type of person who would understand. This is going to sound mean, but I've learned over the years that gift giving from her is more about her enjoying other people thinking about her when they open gifts or cards from her, not so much because she is thinking about them. She loves the attention she gets when she gives gifts. 

I just flat out tell my mom she can't give more than 3 gifts or spend above x amount. I give her a separate Amazon wish list from all the other family because otherwise she'll buy all of the "best" stuff on the list, go over the amount and dollar limit we set, and act oblivious to how annoying it is for me to then have to come up with more stuff for other family members to buy.

She will buy souvenirs from their trips, send our kids multiple post cards every trip when she travels, she buys DS one or two packs of Pokemon cards every week when she sees him which has been going on for years, and on and on. I think the thing that annoys me the most is my mom would have hated it if we were bringing all this stuff into her perfectly clean and organized house as kids, but can't see the problem with doing it to me. 

[madringal]

My in-laws do this too. It’s so frustrating. It would take my girls HOURS to open their Christmas presents. Then we did two things.

1) On Christmas morning, I’d have my girls sort their gifts into two piles. One to stay at our house, one to go back to grandmas so they can play with it there.

2) of the pile that would stay at our house, we’d put all but 1 or two in a box and each month they would take out something new to play with.

It took exactly two christmases for my MIL to get the point and she started doing a lot less. We’d been asking for years for her to tone it down, this was finally what worked. She really didn’t enjoy the boxes that would go right back in her car for her to unload and find a place for when she got back home. Same lady, same.

[jinkies]

Oh if they live far away, I'd definitely be going the donate route. Let your kid keep 3-4 items, and donate the rest.

If you want to try one more time to get them to be reasonable, you could certainly try to talk to your ILs first. Let them know that you just don't have the space to store that many toys and will be donating anything beyond what you have room for. But it sounds unlikely to work.

My late SIL used to buy so many gifts that we had to celebrate Christmas at their house because they couldn't fit them all in their cars. One time we celebrated at my parents and they literally pulled up in a box truck to bring all the gifts. So I feel you. But I've never had success getting family to stop doing what they want with gifts for my kids, so I just had to adjust what I did with the gifts later. I usually packed up anything that didn't get immediate attention and stored it in the basement or attic. We used them as gifts for other kids, or eventually donated.

[heygrey]

Aug 19, 2024 22:13:19 GMT -5 tiki said:

loira , DD is turning 7.

We have a 529. MIL doesn't want to donate to that, or provide a subscription, or donate to charity, or an experience gift. She wants to go shopping, buy stuff, and ship it to our house. They live thousands of miles away and they bought a ton of stuff for DD the last time we visited their house, too. We tried to leave it all there when we left, and they rounded *that* up and shipped it to us. They like their house to be clean and minimalist.

This would make me livid. 

Call her out on what it is. She feels some kind of way because you don't live close and she's trying to spoil DD to make up for it. Tell her the gifts will be returned or donated. If she wants to not waste her money she can choose any one of the previous options *OR* just don't spend money on gifts at all. But she doesn't get to have her clean, minimalist house and make yours a dumping ground for her feelings. 

[minniemouse]

No advice but I can relate. We went through this for years, especially with clothes. Every time we saw them the kids would each get a big bag of new clothes and shoes. A lot got used but some things were never worn. I passed many things on to friends, who were thrilled to get new stuff. Christmas and birthdays were clothes andmultiple toys and other stuff, but usually the toys were from their wish list.
While it was frustrating at times we never said anything because their love language is gifts and we didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
Now that the girls are older and prefer to buy their own clothes at specific stores, way less is coming in. They are still very generous with gift cards and buying off wish lists. And I miss the days when I never had to buy clothes for them. Lol.

[wanderingback]

We literally don’t have space for a bunch of stuff so yes I would have your husband/partner say something direct. Then, if/when that doesn’t work I would get rid of the excess by posting on buy nothing or donate to a local toy drive.

[lillaguma]

I have no answers, can only commiserate.

MIL is this way. Christmas is the worst, it is her favorite thing and she is so over the top. We've had years where the kids have 10 presents each under the tree from the in-laws, and then just one from my parents. DD is getting to an age where she realizes it more and comments on it, and I've been trying to help frame it for her so that she doesn't take it like one set of grandparents loves her more than the other.

MIL wants me to tell her what to buy, too, but it also has to be things she wants to buy, so it's a horrible burden that I bear starting in October every year, lol. Then in the Spring again for birthdays. She wants to give tangible gifts, so my suggestions of 529 donations, experience gifts, zoo passes, etc. are all a no go, she won't do them. The last few years she's gotten really into the something to wear, read, want, need thing. Except she wants to give 3-4 books to each kid, etc. I've tried directing her to one big gift but she says, "I just hate the thought of them only having one present!" and I'm like...you are not responsible for their entire Christmas! They have plenty of presents!

It's hard because I want our celebrations to be about more than just presents, and to have less in general, so it feels like a constant battle with her on that. Gifts are not my love language, but I like to pick out a few nice things for my kids, but they feel overshadowed by everything she gives.

Last Christmas I thought we ended in a decent place - I think each kid had 5 gifts from them each. Then after Christmas suddenly she was like, more stuff is arriving from amazon for them, I realized they didn't get enough and the other grandkids had gotten more (she is big into every grandkid needing the same number of gifts) and I think 3 more presents for each kid arrived between Christmas and NYE. I told DH he just had to tell her no, we would just be returning them (I think I saved one for the spring birthday) - the kids had so much new stuff and this was ridiculous. I know she wasn't happy about it but hey, neither were we.

[jennistarr1]

This isn't exactly what you're asking but along a similar line...the amount of easter/halloween/valentines day candy from grandparents is excessive. They are giving them whole easter baskets, a whole bag of halloween candy. I have said "they go trick or treating" "you are not the easter bunny and you giving them a basket is confusing" (the last one backfired with them saying "the easter bunny left something for you at my house" like OMFG!!!

So I say OVER AND OVER that when it gets to the next holiday that I throw the previous holiday's candy away...AND I THROW A LOT AWAY and then follow up with, I really feel like I'm throwing your money away, that makes me feel bad but really, just a small gift from you on each holiday is enough

[tiki]

Aug 20, 2024 18:29:34 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

This isn't exactly what you're asking but along a similar line...the amount of easter/halloween/valentines day candy from grandparents is excessive. They are giving them whole easter baskets, a whole bag of halloween candy. I have said "they go trick or treating" "you are not the easter bunny and you giving them a basket is confusing" 

jennistarr1, the one time I/we successfully confronted MIL in the past was when she sent a whole easter basket. She didn't even grow up celebrating easter, nor did she raise H celebrating easter, but suddenly she's the damn easter bunny. No. Hunting for my easter basket is a fond childhood memory and my kid already has one provided by ME, her parent.  I immediately gave away the basket MIL sent to a family who needed one in a pinch and fortunately MIL has never done that again. 

[expectantsteelerfan]

Aug 21, 2024 6:28:59 GMT -5 tiki said:

Aug 20, 2024 18:29:34 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

This isn't exactly what you're asking but along a similar line...the amount of easter/halloween/valentines day candy from grandparents is excessive. They are giving them whole easter baskets, a whole bag of halloween candy. I have said "they go trick or treating" "you are not the easter bunny and you giving them a basket is confusing" 

jennistarr1 , the one time I/we successfully confronted MIL in the past was when she sent a whole easter basket. She didn't even grow up celebrating easter, nor did she raise H celebrating easter, but suddenly she's the damn easter bunny. No. Hunting for my easter basket is a fond childhood memory and my kid already has one provided by ME, her parent.  I immediately gave away the basket MIL sent to a family who needed one in a pinch and fortunately MIL has never done that again. 

This is really off-topic, but how about, my kids not only get a basket from my in-laws, but I get to then keep track of that basket until some point in the spring when they ask for it so they re-use it and fill it again and give it to them again (and it has to be THAT basket because all the grand-kids have matching ones from them).  Thanks for that, really.  

[lucybrown]

Aug 21, 2024 9:00:40 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Aug 21, 2024 6:28:59 GMT -5 tiki said:

jennistarr1 , the one time I/we successfully confronted MIL in the past was when she sent a whole easter basket. She didn't even grow up celebrating easter, nor did she raise H celebrating easter, but suddenly she's the damn easter bunny. No. Hunting for my easter basket is a fond childhood memory and my kid already has one provided by ME, her parent.  I immediately gave away the basket MIL sent to a family who needed one in a pinch and fortunately MIL has never done that again. 

This is really off-topic, but how about, my kids not only get a basket from my in-laws, but I get to then keep track of that basket until some point in the spring when they ask for it so they re-use it and fill it again and give it to them again (and it has to be THAT basket because all the grand-kids have matching ones from them).  Thanks for that, really.  

Stop the madness. This is 💯 their responsibility to keep track of the basket and reuse it if they so choose.

I have tried all the nice ways of managing gift giving. It didn’t work, so I started donating a huge bunch and outright telling them the gifts have to stay at their houses. When they try sneaking them to mine, I firmly tell them it’s not happening and that if it stays, it’ll get donated. Unopened toys are in high demand for our local children’s hospital cancer unit. The bulk go there.

The excessive gift giving is 💯 about the giver, not the recipient. It’s not my job to manage other people’s feelings.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Aug 21, 2024 9:00:40 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Aug 21, 2024 6:28:59 GMT -5 tiki said:

jennistarr1 , the one time I/we successfully confronted MIL in the past was when she sent a whole easter basket. She didn't even grow up celebrating easter, nor did she raise H celebrating easter, but suddenly she's the damn easter bunny. No. Hunting for my easter basket is a fond childhood memory and my kid already has one provided by ME, her parent.  I immediately gave away the basket MIL sent to a family who needed one in a pinch and fortunately MIL has never done that again. 

This is really off-topic, but how about, my kids not only get a basket from my in-laws, but I get to then keep track of that basket until some point in the spring when they ask for it so they re-use it and fill it again and give it to them again (and it has to be THAT basket because all the grand-kids have matching ones from them).  Thanks for that, really.  

If it has to be that basket, then they're taking it back with them on Easter and I'm dumping the shit out in a trash bag or grocery tote bag in front of them.

My mother-in-law also does Easter baskets for my kids (which she fills with toys, so...Christmas?) and initially wanted to buy my son a new basket each Easter and "let" me keep the old one. 

NO, BITCH. Please stop with your Boomer excess all over the place. 

[W.T.Faulkner]

Aug 20, 2024 12:49:42 GMT -5 lillaguma said:

I know she wasn't happy about it but hey, neither were we.

I decided a while ago to give as much regard to my mother-in-law's feelings regarding gift-giving as she gives to mine, and life has been great since. lol

[jennistarr1]

Aug 21, 2024 9:00:40 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Aug 21, 2024 6:28:59 GMT -5 tiki said:

jennistarr1 , the one time I/we successfully confronted MIL in the past was when she sent a whole easter basket. She didn't even grow up celebrating easter, nor did she raise H celebrating easter, but suddenly she's the damn easter bunny. No. Hunting for my easter basket is a fond childhood memory and my kid already has one provided by ME, her parent.  I immediately gave away the basket MIL sent to a family who needed one in a pinch and fortunately MIL has never done that again. 

This is really off-topic, but how about, my kids not only get a basket from my in-laws, but I get to then keep track of that basket until some point in the spring when they ask for it so they re-use it and fill it again and give it to them again (and it has to be THAT basket because all the grand-kids have matching ones from them).  Thanks for that, really.  

I would literally pour that easter basket contents into a grocery bag and hand it back to them that day

[pierogigirl]

If getting her to reduce doesn't work, I'd open the box before the kid could see it, unwrap all the presents and only give the few that would be loved. I'd donate, sell, or save the rest to give at another time or to use for birthday parties.

[sent]

What is it with boomers and the free shipping to send us stuff that is either Chinese junky stuff (looking at you Amazon) or stuff we can buy ourselves locally (looking at you Target, Kohls, etc.)?

I spend an obnoxious amount of time returning stuff like this from the in-laws. I only got around to returning the Christmas gifts shipped to us from Target back in July and it was worth $85! We used it immediately on stuff like soap and groceries.

Last year for DS's preschool graduation, I got a super cute toy from a Hallmark store that I knew he would love. I came home to find out MIL had bought him the same exact thing from the Hallmark near her. It was a coincidence but it was still maddening to me. I ended up returning mine.

As much as I would rather they set up and contribute to like a 529 instead, I learned years ago that suggestion would not go over well with them.

[gerberdaisy]

More commiseration here. It is a never-ending struggle in our family. I could go on and on, but one that really gets me is H's uncle. He generously gives all the great-nieces/nephews birthday and Christmas presents, but insists they are presents and not money. However, he doesn't buy them himself but has MIL do it. This would be such an easy situation to just give them $20, which is what they want instead of having to come up with another item that just is wasted.

[waverly]

Aug 27, 2024 8:57:59 GMT -5 gerberdaisy said:

More commiseration here. It is a never-ending struggle in our family. I could go on and on, but one that really gets me is H's uncle. He generously gives all the great-nieces/nephews birthday and Christmas presents, but insists they are presents and not money. However, he doesn't buy them himself but has MIL do it. This would be such an easy situation to just give them $20, which is what they want instead of having to come up with another item that just is wasted.

Yes this is my problem.  I get my mom is elderly and she did the same for her mom.  But basically my mom just wants me to source all the ideas and then just buy the presents for her to give to myself and my kids for Christmas and birthday.  It adds a lot more work for me.

She insisted on taking me shopping for my birthday, but it always is an enormous hassle.  This last time, she thought she lost her phone and ran all over like a crazy person in the store and parking lot, so I had to buy my own present, find her and calm her down because my sister tracked her phone to my house.