Wednesday Letters

[dglvrk2]

What's in on everyone's mind this week?

[dglvrk2]

Dear Etiquette Fairies and WPs who want to weigh in),

DD1 is struggling with social anxiety (per MANY of my posts - sigh). Now that she's accepting her struggles and addressing them (yeah!), life is usually easier for her. However, she's facing new challenges. She wants certainty more than she used to and I want her to get this for herself as much as possible....

We are invited to a BBQ/50th birthday for the father of one of her former gymnastics teammates this Saturday. She and this girl got along great during gymnastics, being really tight and supportive of one another, but haven't hung out since DD1 quit the team in December. The girls have no mutual friends. DD1 wants to spend time with this other girl at her dad's birthday, but would be really nervous going if multiple other friends of the girl are there. (One or two other girls would be fine) She's worried about being the odd girl out.

While I would love for her to just jump into a new - and safe - social situation like this, this is so not in her wheelhouse right now.


Would it be odd for me to reach out to the mom/wife - who invited me - and ask if other girls their age will be there? She invited me during a phone call last week. We actually called each other to discuss middle school challenges, mental health etc. Hence, she knows DD1 struggles with anxiety and has had a really rough time with friendships this year. Her daughters have likewise struggled with friendships at school.

Since this invitation was not on an evite or group text, I have no idea who else might be there.

Thoughts?

[twinmomma]

Dear DH,
The psych NP was just trying to figure out what meds you need to be on, I don't really think she was jerking you around or trying to entrap you in something. The fact that you got so upset with her suggesting you might need consistent anxiety and/or depression meds that you walked out kind of says all we need to know, doesn't it? I'm proud of you for taking the steps to get help through therapy and meds, but you have to actually go through the whole process. Baby steps, baby steps.
Love,
Your wife who is here for you

Dear WPs,
The restaurant is officially in the red after payroll today. DH is spiraling and doesn't know what to do next. I'm also not sure what to do. But this is scary. They're trying to launch some new things that will bring in more revenue, but if they're already negative, not sure if that will help. This sucks.
Signed,
Thank god for my good paying job

Dear universe,
I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping the restaurant just ends up closing. Maybe this is a sign to just move on and Dh can have less stress and a more normal job?
Signed,
Can't say that out loud to him

[sdlaura]

dglvrk2 I don't think that would be weird at all to ask how many kids/what ages she expects to be there. Since I have four kids and no one we hang out with is ever going to have the same mix of ages and sexes, and some combos work better than others, I ask about other attendees all the time. I don't want to bring my little boys to a gathering where all the other guests are over age 10, and also don't want to leave them at home and pay a babysitter if there's a gaggle of little kids there that they would have had fun with. So I would just ask.

Dear front yard ficus tree,
Please stop dropping your fruits all over my patio and front walk. If I don't sweep twice a day, we step on them and they get ground into our pavers.
Signed, I want that 20+ minutes per day back

[dglvrk2]

twinmomma, Wow! That's big. Although the initial closing of the restaurant could be terribly upsetting, might that also open up some more professional and personal opportunities for your husband?
Sending you two good vibes!

[rere]

Dear kids,

I so enjoyed having a family dinner around the table on the last night everyone was home! With your favorite chili. It's been wonderful to have everyone home for a while. Even though my house is a complete disaster, I'll take it.

Love mom.

[k3am]

twinmomma the restaurant business is terrifying. I hope it sorts itself out one way or another quickly and you guys aren’t in limbo for long.

Dear DH,

Middle school has been.. something, so far. Thanks for being patient as I lazily figure out what I do next with my life… being home when DD gets home and being able to help her focus on homework and study habits is something that’s been good for both of us.

Signed,
Your freeloading wife

Dear DD,

I worried when you wanted dance as an elective because… I’ve seen you dance. 🤭 But look at you, proving me wrong, auditioning for intermediate dance and MAKING it. And getting a 90% on the make up quiz that you completely bombed last week? Slay. Sigma?

Signed,
Proud, but still skibidi on the slang, no cap.

[mae0111]

Dear WP -

I have what I think is kind of a big problem, and I don't know what to do about it.

My kids' therapist knows a family member of mine. This is not hard as I have a huge family and 90% of that huge family is local to our area. She just got married a couple of weeks ago, and this family member attended her wedding because he's a friend of her new DH.

She admitted to me that she told my family member that she knows me, and how she knows me. I think she was drunk at her wedding and just blabbed. So now this gossipy family member knows that my kids are in therapy, and that she's their therapist. This family member is funny, the life of the party... and has no tact or sense of keeping things quiet. So this is now going to be very public.

If this was ME, and MY therapist exposed our relationship, I would definitely discontinue therapy with her and likely report her. BUT... she has built up such a rapport with my kids, and has been especially helpful for DD2. DD2 takes feedback on board and really does try to implement the tools she's given... but it was a very difficult road to get her to even agree to therapy... and it took a long time for her to build trust with this therapist... Also, every child therapist in our area has insane waiting lists. When I was calling places before COVID, some offices wouldn't even put me on the list because DD1 hadn't threatened herself or others with significant bodily harm, others were an 18-24 month waiting list. I will not be able to find someone easily because the wait lists have only gotten longer.

I was taken aback and I did not express my feelings on the situation, because we really needed a full session yesterday with DD1. But I do need to talk to her about it. I plan to gather my thoughts and make notes to cover everything.

BUT... what is the resolution? She already apologized. If I pull my kids from therapy, things are going to get MUCH worse. I would assume that she would lose her license for this. It's not the first time that she has broken confidentiality - it's just the first time that I know that we're affected by it.

Any advice?

Mae

[rere]

mae0111 , if she is doing good things for the kids, I would stay. It's hard to keep things private when there is a lot of overlap, but hopefully she has learned a lesson here. She should for the sake of her liscence.

As far as the family member, my attitude would be so what, everyone should probably be in therapy. Therapy should not be seen for someone having something wrong, but for keeping everyone well. Like preventive medical care.

[mommyatty]

Dear mae0111,

Yes, this sucks and was clearly a big violation. But I would use this as an opportunity to destigmatize therapy. Yeah, your kids are in therapy. So what. If anyone comments on it or asks about it, I would respond, “so what? What’s your point? Do you have one? I have two kids with ADHD who need help learning some coping skills, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s shameful is gossiping about kids’ medical care.”

But I would have a big talk with the therapist. A “I’m not pulling my kids from your care because I think overall it would be harmful, but make no mistake, if anything like this happens again, I’m going after your license and your bank account” conversation.

MommyAtty

PS Did you see that Tim Walz’s son has NVLD and ADHD? And he talks about it without being ashamed and doesn’t focus on his kid’s deficits but on his strengths. I love him for that!

Dear DS’s teachers,

When DS had his first challenge this week, you guys 100% met the challenge exactly as I would have hoped. You have no idea how much I appreciate how you supported my great kiddo. He got upset about doing badly on a math assignment because he was confused about the instructions but embarrassed to ask for help. You let him calm down in the calm down area, and then encouraged him to talk to the counselor. Then you communicated with me and followed up with DS about how proud you were that he used his coping skills to take care of himself. Thank you for seeing how hard he’s trying, even when he’s struggling.

Signed,
Grateful Mom of a Neurodivergent Kid

[mae0111]

mommyatty, rere, Thank you! I definitely agree that there should not be a stigma around therapy. DD1 is pretty open about it. But this part of my family... there is a stigma to them... they are all cops. And I just don't want my kids discussed, if that makes sense? I'm not close with them, it's not their business, and I don't care for their judgment. I just feel like... things are challenging enough and we don't need any more challenges...

I was also starting to feel like I'm a bad mom for not wanting to pull them... but she's doing more good than harm...

Ugh I wish she just kept her mouth shut.

[sdlaura]

mae0111 that's really annoying and unprofessional. If she knows you and other people know she's a child therapist, it's probably not a leap for them to figure it out on their own as well. I wouldn't worry at all about them knowing that your kids have a therapist.

[waverly]

mae0111, I'd probably go the route of a strongly worded email or letter documenting the incident and stating the importance of confidentiality, bsaiclly all of your notes, but I would write it down to make sure everything was included. I wouldn't go super long or super negative, keep it to the facts.

Maybe just keep in the back of your mind that if it happens again you will report her. You can likely do it to state regulators anonymously, and since it takes so long to investigate keep the kids with her as it works through the process.

[supertrooper1]

mae0111, in my area, the therapy stigma with law enforcement is finally changing. My agency has really pushed counseling with additional free sessions through our EAP due to a high suicide rate. I know our local agencies have changed too, so I hope your law enforcement side of the family is also challenging the stigma.

I'm the type that would turn a therapist in for a violation, but in your case, I would talk to her instead since she has helped your girls. If I knew the name of Beau's former therapist, I would have turned her in a long time ago for sleeping with a client (their professional and non-professional relationship ended before I met him).

[waverly]

supertrooper1, oh snap. I wasn't expecting that.

[186momx]

Dear Lab work and allergy office
We are patiently waiting for the results. You are closed Fridays so could you please get back to us soon.
Waiting
Me

Dear School Admin
Thank you for accommodating DD so easily. I really expected to have to go momma bear on you.
Now if only the district nurse will be as easy. I have all the paperwork to fill out for her to self-administer meds and turned in the letter from the allergy doc.
Keeping a positive attitude
Me

mae0111, if the therapist is doing more good than harm then I would just document like crazy. Your family can judge all they want but you don't owe anyone an answer on why unless you want to give it.

[xctsclrx]

Dear WP

This year I finished my master's degree and got my PMP.

I was then moved into a new role and today my official promotion went through with a 20% raise!

My study partner has to find a new job because hers was not going to give her a raise and she starts her new job next week!

Signed

Happily surprised when the hard work does pay off!

[mae0111]

xctsclrx, congratulations!!!