taking care of parents - what happens if you don't WANT to

[katb]

I have been reading the threads of ill parents/relations and the caregivers thread.  I am prob the biggest asshole in the world but for various reasons, I don't want to take care of my mother.  We are dealing with a temporary disability (broken hip) but I am already so frustrated and resentful.  The time I have to figure things out - I feel like she is playing victim won't ask questions - makes me angry - I have children at home, work, spouse that I need to take care -  I don't have time to find all the answers/info when I feel like she could.  For example, she is supposed to be getting out of rehab tomorrow and I went over the list of services and recommended providers with her.  I told her my opinion of a few and told her to think about it and make her choice.  Today, she has yet to choose and no services have been lined up for her going home (she is elgible for occupational and physical therapy and nursing services).  She texts me at work she has an appt tomorrow.  That's it - I ask for what, where, time, etc.  No response for hours.  It's not that she can't do this stuff - it's that she won't.  We don't have a very close relationship - I would define it as fine.  She comes over for holidays, occasional family dinners and occasional kid events.  We don't have a great relationship because of emotional abuse/neglect when I was growing up and her refusing to cut ties with someone who SA me.  I am only doing what I am doing out of total daughter/family guilt and obligation - she has no one else.  My family is it - her other children (my siblings) don't talk to her and she is an only child.   How do you cope?  I tell myself this is temporary and I can do it.  But now I question, what happens in the future?  She is 75 so I imagine there will be other challenges.  What things do you do to help you cope or do you just go through the motions?  I really do feel like a huge asshole but I can't get over it.

[underwaterrhymes]

You are not an asshole. You do not owe her the care that she didn’t give to you when you were a child. Give yourself love and grace on this.

[jlt19]

I’m not in your position, but I see my SIL’s there. Between the two of them, they’ve shelled out five figure over the last year to help MIL not be homeless. That’s not to mention the hours of mental stress and physical labor of moving a hoarder to a much smaller place. They finally found her senior subsidized housing and now she got fired for the third time in two years. Her SS is basically nothing because “they beat the system” long ago. I have guilt and I’m only the EX-DIL and cannot stand the woman. But I feel bad for my SIL’s, especially since XH cut her off.

They basically have too, for the most part, but I think they’re finally done doing all the research type stuff. I’m sure they’ll begrudgingly help with rent b/c that’s better than her living with one of them again, but emotionally, I think they’ve cut her off.

So, not much help. Maybe just don’t do the things? Either she’ll get it done or she won’t, but it’s not on you. Especially considering your past, I’d do the bare minimum to keep the debilitating guilt away and try to find some peace.

[TR]

Are you close with your siblings? They may be a good sounding board if they’ve already cut her off.

[katb]

Aug 21, 2024 19:34:48 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

I’m not in your position, but I see my SIL’s there. Between the two of them, they’ve shelled out five figure over the last year to help MIL not be homeless. That’s not to mention the hours of mental stress and physical labor of moving a hoarder to a much smaller place. They finally found her senior subsidized housing and now she got fired for the third time in two years. Her SS is basically nothing because “they beat the system” long ago. I have guilt and I’m only the EX-DIL and cannot stand the woman. But I feel bad for my SIL’s, especially since XH cut her off.

They basically have too, for the most part, but I think they’re finally done doing all the research type stuff. I’m sure they’ll begrudgingly help with rent b/c that’s better than her living with one of them again, but emotionally, I think they’ve cut her off.

So, not much help. Maybe just don’t do the things? Either she’ll get it done or she won’t, but it’s not on you. Especially considering your past, I’d do the bare minimum to keep the debilitating guilt away and try to find some peace.

Yeah - the financial is whole another story. She is Medicaid eligible and Medicare.  At one point, she had an almost paid of house (worth about $500k now) and a beach condo (about 20 yrs ago).  She gambled it all away.  She lives in the home with a small mortgage and receives SS - she got it as soon as she can so she doesn't take in a lot.  We cover as much as we can over the years - food, water bills, and gas. I won't give her cash though because she will go gamble.  These past few weeks I saw her bills and she is still gambling.  I just get mad when I see that crap and think to myself nothing has changed.  She does have other income at times - she rents her basement and babysits PT the last few years - not a ton of money but maybe an extra $1k - $1500 a month

[tacokick]

It is awkward but social workers at any hospital will work with you as best they can.

They will assume that you will do everything so you have to be up front with them and ask/tell them the situation. Don’t feel pressured into doing more than you feel comfortable or want to do!

If she is capable of making these choices and simply isn’t, you don’t have to make them for her. Tell the staff to ask and work it out with her. Let them know that you are the decision maker only after she can no longer make decisions for herself. And you don’t even have to do that if you don’t want to. It doesn’t have to be you.

When we bluntly told them that we were hitting a wall with taking my dad to his appointments after his lengthy hospital stay (which also required us to go to the hospital a lot) they stopped assuming we were available 24/7 said they could help us arrange transportation and tried to schedule his appointments together as much as possible which helped. They signed off on in-home physical therapy vs going to a center because he couldn’t drive himself and we couldn’t drive him to it 2-3x week.

But it doesn’t have to be you at all!

[katb]

Aug 21, 2024 19:46:26 GMT -5 TR said:

Are you close with your siblings? They may be a good sounding board if they’ve already cut her off.

They don't want anything to do with her nor hear anything about it - including my feelings.  It's a very complicated relationship because of what we all went through - we are all different ages but many hurtful things happened to all of us. They have successfully clipped all ties no matter what.

[dontlook]

I draw my line when taking time to help X person interfere with taking care of my kids/H. My family is my 1st priority and everyone else comes 2nd. Anytime I start to feel guilt I remind myself my kids need and deserve my attention and X person can help themselves. I say that over and over until I feel better. Good luck!

[7costanza]

I feel the same way about my dad. He recently had surgery on his intestines/bladder, then fell and broke two ribs. I’ve done nothing to help. He does have a girlfriend, who is also in poor health, and who has kids that I think help out a lot. I sometimes feel guilty too, then remember what a shit dad he’s been and figure he’s reaping what he sowed. I’m not sure what I’ll do as he continues to decline, I certainly won’t give him money or have him live with me, but would probably be willing to help him find an assisted living place or like figure out how to use Uber so he can get to appts. His mind is totally fine and I don’t think he would even want me to attend with him.

[wanderingback]

Aug 21, 2024 19:34:28 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

You are not an asshole. You do not owe her the care that she didn’t give to you when you were a child. Give yourself love and grace on this.

This.

OP, I know it’s cliche but are you in therapy?

The things you mention in your post are definitely not things that you need to do like researching rehab. Obviously you don’t need to do anything at all, but I totally understand the guilt so I would save your time and energy for absolutely necessities (for example a ride to a necessary appointment if she can’t drive, take a taxi, etc) until you figure out in therapy what your long term plan is.

<3

[ssmjlm]

Not the asshole.

Draw boundaries. Your husband and kids come first. You come first.

Tell her she needs to handle it or work with the hospital social worker.

[wildrice]

If you don't want to cut her off entirely, I think you can set boundaries. Tell her frankly what you are able to do, and make it clear to her that that's what you are doing and nothing more. If you provided a list, tell her she can pick from the list and that if she doesn't, she is on her own to figure it out. Etc.

[heygrey]

I said it in another thread about caregiving - match energy. She didn't care for you when you needed her as a child nor has she tried to repair the relationship as an adult, she doesn't get to rely on your help in her time of need.

And HELL NO to helping her financially when she's gambling. I can be pretty judgment free about how people spend their money if it doesn't effect anyone else, but like hell I'll take money from my own family and give it to someone who isn't even trying to support themselves. Gamble all you want, but don't expect a dime from me.

[katb]

Aug 21, 2024 19:54:34 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Aug 21, 2024 19:34:28 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

You are not an asshole. You do not owe her the care that she didn’t give to you when you were a child. Give yourself love and grace on this.

This.

OP, I know it’s cliche but are you in therapy?

The things you mention in your post are definitely not things that you need to do like researching rehab. Obviously you don’t need to do anything at all, but I totally understand the guilt so I would save your time and energy for absolutely necessities (for example a ride to a necessary appointment if she can’t drive, take a taxi, etc) until you figure out in therapy what your long term plan is.

<3

No, but I know I need to talk to someone.  It has been complicated my whole life -  I literally based my family and upbringing of my kids on what was not done for me.  I never wanted them to feel unsafe, unwanted or needs not taken care of.  I realize I need to heal this part but it's just so exhausting.

[clairebear]

Absolutely set boundaries!! Say I need X amount of days or hours to be able to take you to appointments. Or I can only take you to appointments on Fridays. Or I can make a couple of phone calls, but the rest is on you. Your mental health and needs come first. I volunteer for Meals on Wheels and honestly most of the clients are elderly who have no family support, usually because they were AHs to them and ran them off. They use a patchwork of charities like Meals on Wheels and others to get meals, rides to appointments etc. Heck one guy gets Medicare to ship him 14 frozen meals a week. She put herself in the situation and it sounds like she has the capacity to make decisions for herself and help herself. I'd force her hand. Clearly define what you are willing to do, and let the chips fall. You aren't responsible for her.

[sadlebred]

Nope. I'd drop it. You owe her nothing.

[expectantsteelerfan]

It's so hard. I would say I have a similar relationship with my mom. We have unresolved issues from my childhood, but I don't want to put in the effort to heal our relationship, but she is mostly a fine person, but she has trouble being around me without bringing up stuff from the past, and she also triggers my anxiety about other stuff too, so I just don't enjoy being around her. She has a good relationship with my kids though. She recently went through a bout with breast cancer, and I was her main medical support person, but I had to set boundaries with being her emotional support person. I honestly started therapy shortly after she told me her diagnosis just to deal with my own conflicting emotions of feeling like I HAD to support her out of familial obligation, but just not wanting to and hating every minute of it. It was helpful. I stopped going after I stopped having to take her to radiation appts because there was no other reason for me to go at the moment. But it was helpful to hear from a therapist that my feelings were valid and to help figure out how to set boundaries that I could tolerate but not feel like a horrible person about.

[candreco]

You are absolutely not an asshole for not wanting to spend more time and money on this person, no matter what your connection. Let her and her medical team know that you are no longer to be contacted about her care, and stop taking calls about it, stop visiting her, stop paying her bills, just stop all of it. You owe her NOTHING, and that's what she should get from you.

Like, I know this is probably easier said than done, but you need to be there for yourself and your family the way she wasn't there for you, and you can't do that if you're dealing with her messes.

[W.T.Faulkner]

You're not an asshole at all. You and your family come first, always, and you can help her to the extent that it doesn't interfere with your or your family's well-being. And that, for me, would exclude financial help entirely as long as she is making extremely poor choices.

[lessel]

My H has struggled with his relationship with his mom for decades. H's sister hasn't spoken to her in almost 20 years. The mom has had years of health issues. H attempted to help from afar (she lives several states away), but there are addiction, hoarding, and other mental health issues getting in the way of her taking care of herself. She finally ended up in the hospital for about the dozenth time in the span of a couple years and H was just done. The hospital sought a conservatorship for her given the history. She fought it and wanted H to be the conservator, he refused. So now an attorney is in charge of all the care and finances and H is finally free of the stress. He's been working through it all with his therapist.

[glw]

I'm in this situation with my father as well.
Where I've landed is: everyone is free to make their own choices, including bad ones. If he wants to ignore medical instructions, spend his money in stupid ways, continue to alienate the few people who will still talk to him, he has a right to do that. He has a right to fail. No one else can fix him.

[mommyatty]

Ask the rehab if they can set her up with a social worker through your county’s or state’s version of the Dept of Aging. You are not wrong for how you feel. And frankly you don’t owe her anything. I am extremely low to no contact with my mom. And she wasn’t as bright line/clearly incompetent as a parent as your mom was. I won’t do Jack shit for her when she declines. Hell, she could be declining now and I wouldn’t know. And I’m fine with that. It took me a long time to get there, but I’m there. And I’m proud of myself for that.

[pinkplasticdoll]

I could have written this post word for word and even down the sibling aspect. I have set boundaries with my mother and stuck to them, it was hard and I feel much better after holding the boundary and lots of therapy. I would reach out to your local area of aging to see if they can help you through the process of making her a ward of the state or getting a social worker of some kind involved.

[CurlyQ284]

My dad passed away in July, we were not close but I adore my mom and they were still married. I was very clear with her and my brother that I'm not taking my dad in at all, ever. We can barely be in the same room for 39 minutes and it's been that way since I was 14. If mom divorced him or something happened to her, he would go to a home that can be paid for by his SS unless my brother wanted to take him on. I would not have felt bad about it.

So I guess I would say, if she needs help in future she goes to whatever independent/assisted living place that her SS can afford and that's that. It's going to probably be an awful place but I mean....🤷

[mysteriouswife]

H has stepped back on helping with his dad. There is a point where your mental and physical wellbeing is more important. There is nothing wrong with saying you cannot help her. To be frank. It’s not helping when she is giving zero effort. It becomes doing.

[candreco]

I know people are well-intentioned, but can we stop telling OP to seek help setting up social services? Her mother is capable of doing it herself, she just doesn't want to and is happy to shift that burden to OP. This is NOT OP's responsibility to figure out.

[hermione]

Different situation in that I had great parents growing up and they are also fabulous grandparents. However, I am so frustrated now that my mother will do nothing to help herself with some physical challenges she is facing. She is basically homebound at this point. She was prescribed physical therapy but because it didn't solve the problem in six weeks, she didn't schedule more. She won't use a wheel chair because it is embarrassing. She won't even ask a doctor basic questions about potential options to help her. I finally had to decide that I cannot put more energy into helping her than she is willing to put into helping herself. It was destroying my mental health.

In your case, OP, you are perfectly within your right to do whatever you feel comfortable doing to help your mother, even if that is nothing.

[sometimesrunner]

I just want to echo everyone else that you owe her nothing. She didn't treat you well as an innocent child; she's lucky you still have any sort of relationship with her. I would be blunt with her and tell her that you're at your limit with the help you can provide, and let her and the hospital social worker figure it out.

[ellipses84]

With my father who had been pretty estranged, we got back in contact when he was dx’d and given X months to live but that coincided with a surgery and debilitating physical issues that required inpatient rehab. He had this fantasy that one of us kids was going to move to his city and live with / take care of him. We made it clear that he would not be coming home after rehab and he was directly transferred to a nursing home. He lived way longer than his prognosis and they took great care of him. If things aren’t going well, I think you have to be clear about what you cannot do and tell her the options are assisted living or in-home care by someone other than you.

When we had the opportunity to move to MIL’s city, which seemed to be perfect and everything we were looking for, DH refused because he doesn’t want to be that close to his mother. He has 5 siblings that have closer relationships with her, but live further away, and he didn’t want to be the one obligated to deal with her. DH has a complicated relationship with neglect/ abuse and he willingly went into foster care as a teen. MIL is not in great health. Personality wise she drives him crazy. She’s generally a hot mess and it’s a wonder how she manages life on her own.

Even with relatives we love, when they refused to move to assisted living, our families tried their best to take turns checking up on them, but we had miscommunications and two had “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” incidents that were life threatening.

I don’t think it’s cold-hearted to prioritize yourself and your immediate family when you have a complicated relationship. It’s not reasonable for you to take on that whole burden by yourself. I feel like a lot of Boomers are going to have a reality check (you reap what you sow) regarding how they handled their relationships and their expectations of help when they are elderly. Your no contact children aren’t going to help!

[mommyatty]

Aug 22, 2024 9:20:12 GMT -5 candreco said:

I know people are well-intentioned, but can we stop telling OP to seek help setting up social services? Her mother is capable of doing it herself, she just doesn't want to and is happy to shift that burden to OP. This is NOT OP's responsibility to figure out.

I generally agree. But that’s a hard thing to do. So calling the area Dept for Aging is a middle step between “do it yourself because mom won’t” and “let her drown when I’m having trouble letting her drown”. It’s shifting the burden to relieve any (illogical and unwarranted but still real and HARD) guilt.