taking care of parents - what happens if you don't WANT to

[waverly]

Let her manage her own appointments, it sounds like she already has one, so now that the broken hip, hospital, rehab crisis is over, I would take a nice break and then decide your boundaries going forward.

[cmeon]

I can tell you that when my sister and I went no contact (thus stopping the free chauffeur/scheduling/nursing/life management service we were providing) with our disabled (previously alcoholic and abusive) father, he finally applied for the no-cost door to door senior/disabled bus service I'd previously found, researched, and encouraged him to apply for. It apparently worked out well for him- it takes him to appointments and the store.

And now he has plenty of fodder to bitch about with his sister (whose own adult kid went no contact years ago) and his new bus friends.

Does it make the guilt go away? Nope. But it's easier to live with when we're (my sister and I- I'm not implying it's everyone's answer) not allowing ourselves to be used any longer. I hope you can find a balance that suits you better.

[spindle92]

You are NOT an asshole and that is coming from someone who has been sitting bedside with my mom for over 2 weeks now.

I am very fortunate to have an amazing relationship with both of my parents. That is why I WANT to be here to help her through this.

everyone family has different dynamics and you have to do what is best FOR YOU!

[livinitup]

What I’ve noticed is that all of those complicated feelings don’t actually get resolved by doing all of the hard, complicated things. She is still going to be the way she has always been and you are going to feel the way you always feel no matter the hoops you jump through for her. What does help is taking care of yourself and the people in your care. This might mean sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist, other healthy activities, eating well, extra H2O,, and/or maybe even meds.

It may or may not be helpful to point out that you can do all of the running around, researching, calling, etc. and she’s still going to do whatever she wants to do and nothing she doesn’t. She’s still not going to make decisions, follow through, track appointments, communicate with you. For folks in your spot, that seems to be the hardest and most bitter bit to accept.

So, she’s going to get the care she gets with or without you sacrificing yourself, your family, or your sanity.

[Susie]

I have a good relationship with my dad, and even so, we've started having conversations about what I can and can't do.  Even though both H and I are able to work remotely, that doesn't mean I can pick up my life and move 5 hours away for long stretches to care for my dad.  I have two kids, an H, a home, a career, dogs... my dad is part of my life, but a lot more of my life is located in a completely different state.  

He's having a hip replacement in December, and we'll go help with that.  We've helped with crises and temporary things in the past.  But we've already had conversations around, when someday this becomes more chronic and ongoing, we need you to help us to help you.  If he wants me to be a primary caretaker, he needs to move near me.  I can't be the one to shoulder all the traveling.  He can't make decisions (like staying in the house he and my mom raised us in) that suit his wants and his wants alone, and then expect me to just accommodate everything.

Fortunately I think we're all on the same page about this.  We aren't there yet, but at least we're talking about it.

OP, in your case, it's still just as true.  Your mom made all her decisions up to and including how involved to be with family, and how helpful to be (or not) to you in this.  She doesn't now get to commandeer your time and energy, and dictate your involvement in this next chapter of her life.  Social workers, healthcare providers, county level service providers, etc. can step in.  Don't feel like a jerk for utilizing services that exist for exactly this scenario.

[katb]

Thank you everyone. It does help to hear the support - my husband tells me everyday that I'm not an Ahole and my mom's poor choices and behavior brought her here. I did take her home today and to her doctor but told her going forward, no more doctor appts unless she clears ahead of time and I need a week notice at least. All the responses made me realize I can say no and even just with that assurance, it helped me tremendously. The guilt/obligation is real and I know it's not healthy. I also was very clear with her doctor that she lives alone and is responsible for what happens - he was supportive of that and acknowledged that. She did not call Meals on Wheels in the hospital like I suggested but I guess when I made her a sandwich to keep on her nightstand, she said - oh I am setting it up tomorrow. So we shall see. I do appreciate the kind words. It is a hard time right now.

[midwestmama]

DH has said multiple times, if his mom is not willing or open to looking into assisted living or memory care facilities, he doesn't care if she ends up on the street. If that tells you anything about their relationship. MIL will need to get a Medicaid waiver to cover either in-home care or a memory care facility once her dementia gets worse and she can't safely function by herself. But she will never move in with us, and we will never pay for her to live in a private-pay facility - this is how we've prioritized our marriage and our family. (MIL has no money, lives off SSI, and her only asset is her almost 20-year-old car.) She's the one that made poor choices her whole life (including ostracizing her kids and lying all the time), and now she has to live with them.

ellipses84, I could have written your second paragraph about my DH and MIL. Unfortunately, we live 10 minutes away from MIL. But DH says all the time that he'd love to move away so he's not the one obligated to help her all the time. (SIL live 1,000 miles away and of course then doesn't have to help.)