Tell me what to expect- marriage counseling

[fernweh]

PDQ

H and I have been married 16 years. While we are no strangers to rough patches the one that we are currently in is definitely the worst/longest. We have tried hashing things out in our own but it has changed anything. I am very much at a point where things need to start getting better or we need to move on.

We have both said we are willing to try marriage counseling but we haven’t taken the leap yet. I can’t speak for H but at least for me the idea of sitting down and talking to a stranger about my problems is very daunting/intimidating. I have never seen a therapist individually either so I’m sure I’m making it more than it needs to be.

I know all experiences will be different but tell me what to expect so I can prepare myself.

[lavenderblue]

I can't speak to long term, but when exH and started counseling, we met originally together with the counselor, then we each met with her individually, then for the 4th appointment all came back together. At that time, she made some suggestions of things to work on on our own. We never made it to session 5 because exH refused to do anything she suggested so I ended things with him once and for all. I hope that you are able to find success through therapy, no matter the final outcome.

[TR]

This was our experience:

I spoke with the admin for the therapist group over the phone to give a general explanation of why we were coming in, we were getting on the waitlist for a specific therapist.

Our first visit was the two of us going over that same general explanation just with more details and talking about our goals in therapy and the therapist explaining his approach/technique (which was Emotionally Focused Therapy).

The next two visits were individual ones for each of us to share our individual experience. Then we went back to meeting together and I think if either of us had shared anything earth-shattering, the therapist would have guided us on disclosing or discussing that with each other because he did make a comment in that first session after the individual ones that we didn't have anything to disclose.

Our therapist didn't like to give "homework" but we had things we were supposed to pay attention to or try to use in between appointments.

For us, honestly, it ended up feeling a lot like individual therapy for H, with me being able to bring up things in a place where the therapist could guide the conversation vs H just shutting down.

[livinitup]

Experiences vary depending on the therapist, setting, type/education of the therapist, and even payment mode. For example a quick google search for “couples therapy” - The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Sex Therapy are all interventions that are used when working with couples. You can have a therapist trained in one of these disciplines, or none of them - could be a MSW, phD, student, or no degree.

You can expect an initial intake session with basic info and goal setting. Maybe an assessment - of one or both (some assess for DV and do not recommend therapy if DV is in the mix because of the known increased risk of harm from a therapeutic intervention) If using insurance, you may “pick” one of you as the patient for insurance purposes. If self-pay, then you share credit card information and expected costs, etc.

Pretty soon in the initial phases, you will both be expected to be an active participant in goal setting and expected outcomes from therapy. A talented therapist will help with this but the “work” is on the couple to set goals. It’s not unusual for each person in the couple to have different goals. This may or may not be shocking to the other person. An extreme (although not uncommon) example of this is one person wants therapy to make a smooth transition to separation/divorce and the other person wants to save the marriage.

You can expect to know and build a trusting relationship with your therapist. Them being a “stranger” doesn’t last long really. And we engage and trust “strangers” with all kinds of important things in our lives - nurses in a medical setting, doctors, specialists, bus drivers, people who prepare our food, teachers, co-workers. Therapists are unique in that the relationship requires revealing thoughts/feelings not often discussed but it’s not like you are walking into a bar and unloading on a “stranger”. You build the relationship, trust it, and share those feelings - mostly to yourself and to your partner.

It’s okay to change therapists if it’s not a good “fit”. Fit can be anything - personality or availability, distance, etc. it’s tricky because if you spend too much time changing, it’s hard to actually get any work done to improve the relationship.

[heyyounotyouyou]

I found it to be an easy experience in that the counselor guided us. It never felt like I was sharing secrets with someone because she made it so easy and comfortable to just have a conversation and then figure out how to address any concerns. Truly gives you a viewpoint that you would never get otherwise in a relationship.

[lust2hart]

We worked with a therapist who is trained, but not officially certified, in the Gottman Method. It started with each of us filling out a rather extensive intake form that included questions about our upbringings and parents' marriages, and our goals for counseling. Then we met as a couple with our therapist, then we met individually with him for one session each, and then the rest of our sessions were as a couple.

Our therapist strongly believes that pretty much any issue can be tied back to childhood. Which I often found annoying, but I'll grudgingly admit it was also helpful for getting to the "why" we each believe certain things and behave certain ways.

We worked a lot on "I feel..., I need..." A lot of people do "I feel" wrong - they say, "I feel that you blah blah blah" instead of actually saying HOW THEY FEEL. For example, let's say Husband never takes his eyes off his phone when Wife is talking to him. Instead of saying, "I feel like you ignore me," Wife would say, "I feel ignored when you don't put down your phone." It's a subtle difference, but in the first, Husband can argue, "I am not ignoring you, I'm listening," whereas in the second, Husband can't argue. He can't say, "Oh please, you do not feel ignored." - You can't argue with someone about how they're feeling. (I mean, you can, but it's stupid to.) So it builds understanding and empathy. And then the "I need..." part is how to fix it. So it would be something like, "I feel ignored when you're looking at your phone when I'm talking to you. I need you to put your phone down and look at me when I'm talking to you." And the Husband might say, "Well, I get frustrated when you start talking to me when I'm in the middle of an article, so I need you to ask me if I have a minute to talk instead of just launching into it."

And because our therapist is Gottman trained, we spent time talking about "The Four Horsemen," which you could look up on your own if you're interested - it's the 4 attitudes/behaviors that psychologists John and Julie Gottman have identified as marriage breakers, and then they've also identified the "antidote" for each one. So we spent time identifying which attitude/behavior we each are prone to, and then talking through / practicing the antidote.

[joy]

My husband and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago to discuss some topics that were difficult. It was very difficult for him to hear/accept what I was saying and it was very hard for me to say the words because I was terrified. It was about things outside our marriage but very much affecting us regardless.

Sometimes I think those few counseling sessions were the most impactful moments of our marriage. The therapist was so careful to include both of us in the conversation. She gave room for me to speak and him to speak. She got my husband to hear me. She got me to hear my husband. I think we left counseling with such a better mindset than we went in with.