Wedding update long rambling

[Jalapeñomel]

Someone of you placated me in the randoms last week, so I thought I’d update.

PDQ

Many of you know that my FIL has Parkinson’s with dementia and my MIL takes care of him, at home, alone (we tried to get her to move her a couple years ago). She drove 4 hours to go to her youngest niece’s wedding, knowing this could be the last time the whole family got together, celebrated, got pictures, etc.

The wedding was at 1:30, and it went fine, except the reception was slated to start at 5:30. So we took my MIL, FIL, and the grandparents back to the house to rest with my kids.

At 4:30, we get a call that everyone needs to be back for family pics. By this time, my FIL is beat, and my MIL hesitated but thinks it’s important to do the pics and support her niece.

We get to the reception, and it’s utter chaos: loud, no seats at any tables, too many people for the venue, people are already drunk. My MIL finds a little couch, parks FIL there and asks me to figure out what’s going on. I go outside, they said they’ll be taking pics but they’re not ready for us.

I go back in, my MIL is trying to manage FIL, and about 15 minutes later I go check I again.

Guys, they are taking pics without us. No one thought to come in and get my MIL, not her 3 sisters, not her mother, not any of the cousins or the family. No one. She was completely left out. I rudely asked them “No one thought to look for MIL?? No one??”

I went inside to tell my MIL, and she’s crying because my FIL’s catheter slipped (or something), and I took them back to the house.

I’m so upset and angry for her. How could her family do this to her? She takes care of everyone. Why is no one watching out for her?

And we left today, but I’m sure no one will say anything at all, and will just pretend nothing ever happened.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here.

[nicolewi]

I'm so sorry. That's absolutely terrible. How could no one have thought to look for her??? Especially after specifically calling and asking you to come back.

[heygrey]

I would be fuming and hold a grudge for a long time.

I'm so sorry that you MIL (and by extension you and your H) put so much effort into putting the family first and they completely disregarded that gesture. 2024 is my year for matching energy so I'd stop putting any effort into this family since they put so little into you.

[Jalapeñomel]

Sept 2, 2024 10:58:01 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I'm so sorry. That's absolutely terrible. How could no one have thought to look for her??? Especially after specifically calling and asking you to come back.

I can’t tell if I’m overly sensitive to the situation and it’s not really that big of a deal?

But this has been so damn hard for my MIL, and it doesn’t seem that anyone recognizes it.

[stemmie]

I am so sorry for your dear MIL/FIL.

I can understand the family forgetting in the chaos if it's a larger group, but once pointed out to them heartfelt apologies should have been made and pictures retaken.

[Jalapeñomel]

Sept 2, 2024 11:02:25 GMT -5 stemmie said:

I am so sorry for your dear MIL/FIL.

I can understand the family forgetting in the chaos if it's a larger group, but once pointed out to them heartfelt apologies should have been made and pictures retaken.

This was originally my thought, when I came out, and nope, they just ignored it and moved on.

[heygrey]

Sept 2, 2024 11:10:38 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Sept 2, 2024 11:02:25 GMT -5 stemmie said:

I am so sorry for your dear MIL/FIL.

I can understand the family forgetting in the chaos if it's a larger group, but once pointed out to them heartfelt apologies should have been made and pictures retaken.

This was originally my thought, when I came out, and nope, they just ignored it and moved on.

Fuck them so much for not retaking the photos. H has a huge family and they've definitely realized after the fact that someone was missing, but quickly reassembled to take another photo. The fact that they just moved on without trying to fix it is so rude. I am livid on your behalf. 

[JayhawkGirl]

Yeah, the correct response should have been OMG! Can you get her? Let’s start over on this photo!

[maudefindlay]

I'm so sorry for how this all went down. Sounds like a shit show. The effort you all put into getting there and working around the long day's schedule and then no one appreciates it sucks.

[momof2]

Well, I totally forgot my brother in law for wedding pics so I think mistakes happen. But it is crazy that they specifically called you back for photos and then forgot her. And then, didn’t fix it when you told them there was an issue.

But I also think your energy may be slightly too high about this. It isn’t any of their fault that your MIL did a bunch of crap that she had no business doing. You have to try to take that part out of the equation. Your MIL ultimately put her husband in a situation he had no business being in.

[jennistarr1]

I just keep shaking my head

I'm mean whoever called you...whoever you checked in with...there was a connection there that needed to be followed through with

and then the missed opportunity to make up the mistake

just shaking my head, I'm so sorry

[macmars45]

I am so sorry Jalapeñomel! That is awful.

I can't imagine not working around the needs of elderly family members. We didn't have very many at my wedding but for damn sure we took pictures with them earlier in the day so they could leave to rest as needed later in the day.

[emilyinchile]

Yeah, it's a big deal. They fucking called you! And then told you to wait a bit! And they know that your FIL - and by extension MIL - can't just be standing around outside forever waiting for their turn. I agree with stemmie, I can see the mix up happening but as soon as they realized the mistake they should have been apologizing to her and really hyping her up about how thank goodness they can retake the pictures with her. I hope she can find a way to get over the hurt soon.

[snapoutofit]

Sept 2, 2024 11:22:27 GMT -5 momof2 said:

Well, I totally forgot my brother in law for wedding pics so I think mistakes happen. But it is crazy that they specifically called you back for photos and then forgot her. And then, didn’t fix it when you told them there was an issue.

But I also think your energy may be slightly too high about this. It isn’t any of their fault that your MIL did a bunch of crap that she had no business doing. You have to try to take that part out of the equation. Your MIL ultimately put her husband in a situation he had no business being in.

They specifically called them to come back for pictures. Everyone can do their wedding however they want but (in my opinion) if you’re inviting family or loved ones with disabilities, specifically call them back for pictures and then the reception is completely inaccessible to one with a disability and you forget about those you called back? That’s not on MIL.

[Jalapeñomel]

I think you all have a good point that mistakes happen, especially at a wedding when so much is going on. But it was pointed out, and no means to correct it.

I also think it all could’ve been resolved by taking 1 photograph at the end of the wedding ceremony with the bride’s side of the family, and then all other photos done later.

[Jalapeñomel]

However, despite all of that, I was glad to see my FIL and my DH got to see him before he moves into a home.

They think he’ll be completely bed bound by Christmas, if he makes it that long.

[flygirl]

The fact that they called to have you go over and then blew you off is the maddening part. Like I get weddings can be chaotic but you have to be cognizant of physical limitations, etc and not be a complete self centered ass.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

I’m so sorry, that is just awful. The opportunity was there for an “OMG, let’s fix it immediately” and they didn’t? It’s the rotten cherry on the shit sundae

[bears]

Sept 2, 2024 11:44:07 GMT -5 flygirl said:

The fact that they called to have you go over and then blew you off is the maddening part. Like I get weddings can be chaotic but you have to be cognizant of physical limitations, etc and not be a complete self centered ass.

Yes!  My wedding was 100% planned to make sure that my family members with physical limitations would be a part of the celebration!  I also organized worked with my photographer to ensure that we did pictures with them first, because I knew standing around would be uncomfortable. I couldn't imagine "forgetting" about any of them.

I'm sorry they were dicks.  You sound like a wonderful DIL, Jalapeñomel --you really care.

[heyyounotyouyou]

Sept 2, 2024 11:22:27 GMT -5 momof2 said:

Well, I totally forgot my brother in law for wedding pics so I think mistakes happen. But it is crazy that they specifically called you back for photos and then forgot her. And then, didn’t fix it when you told them there was an issue.

But I also think your energy may be slightly too high about this. It isn’t any of their fault that your MIL did a bunch of crap that she had no business doing. You have to try to take that part out of the equation. Your MIL ultimately put her husband in a situation he had no business being in.

None of this. 

[emilyinchile]

Sept 2, 2024 11:22:27 GMT -5 momof2 said:

But I also think your energy may be slightly too high about this. It isn’t any of their fault that your MIL did a bunch of crap that she had no business doing. You have to try to take that part out of the equation. Your MIL ultimately put her husband in a situation he had no business being in.

What did she do? All we know is that MIL pushed FIL's limits of tiredness by going back for pictures on the day. None of the rest of it - the poorly organized reception or the slipped catheter - is stuff that MIL *did*. I don't think Mel is blaming extended family for MIL not having already moved/getting help, just hoping and assuming that family might give a shit and take into consideration that their loved one is burnt out on caretaking and could use a little care being taken with her as well.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I was at a family wedding this weekend that also wasn't particularly friendly to those in the family who are getting older. There was no parking at the wedding so everyone had to take a shuttle, but the shuttles were full and people had to stand to fit everyone in or else they would have missed the ceremony due to how long it took to get there...the driver did offer to drop off and come back, but no one wanted to wait.  Then once dropped off, there was a large dirt/rock path to walk down. They did have one golf cart to shuttle those who couldn't make the trek, but again, 1 cart making the trip there and back, and only fit at most 3 guests, it was just not the best situation.
Right after the ceremony, one relative said groom wanted the whole side of that family to stay for a pick, but the groom's mom said no, not right now, so everyone went to find some shade from the 90 degree heat. But then 2 minutes later everyone was called back for the picture.
So I could easily see how large group pictures get confused (yes the couple wants them, but the organizing person may not know who specifically is supposed to be in each picture, etc.), and I also think that weddings are so hard to plan for every situation, so even if the bride and groom were trying to plan for those with disabilities, etc. things might not work exactly how they expected it to.

BUT, and this is a big but, the treatment after the fact is what really matters, and that was unacceptable here. I'm sorry it ended up that way.

[nicolewi]

Sept 2, 2024 11:01:49 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Sept 2, 2024 10:58:01 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I'm so sorry. That's absolutely terrible. How could no one have thought to look for her??? Especially after specifically calling and asking you to come back.

I can’t tell if I’m overly sensitive to the situation and it’s not really that big of a deal?

But this has been so damn hard for my MIL, and it doesn’t seem that anyone recognizes it.

I don't think so. I think it's awful that no one thought about her!!!! Especially, obviously, given how difficult it is for all of you to manage FIL for travel and events. 

[Jalapeñomel]

Sept 2, 2024 12:05:38 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

I was at a family wedding this weekend that also wasn't particularly friendly to those in the family who are getting older. There was no parking at the wedding so everyone had to take a shuttle, but the shuttles were full and people had to stand to fit everyone in or else they would have missed the ceremony due to how long it took to get there...the driver did offer to drop off and come back, but no one wanted to wait.  Then once dropped off, there was a large dirt/rock path to walk down. They did have one golf cart to shuttle those who couldn't make the trek, but again, 1 cart making the trip there and back, and only fit at most 3 guests, it was just not the best situation.
Right after the ceremony, one relative said groom wanted the whole side of that family to stay for a pick, but the groom's mom said no, not right now, so everyone went to find some shade from the 90 degree heat. But then 2 minutes later everyone was called back for the picture.
So I could easily see how large group pictures get confused (yes the couple wants them, but the organizing person may not know who specifically is supposed to be in each picture, etc.), and I also think that weddings are so hard to plan for every situation, so even if the bride and groom were trying to plan for those with disabilities, etc. things might not work exactly how they expected it to.

BUT, and this is a big but, the treatment after the fact is what really matters, and that was unacceptable here. I'm sorry it ended up that way.

I do recognize that I didn’t want to go to this wedding, and that’s clouding my judgement. But a little empathy could’ve gone a long way. A retake of the photo would’ve taken no time at all.

[circa1978]

I'm sorry this happened.

To me, it sounds like your immediate family/MIL may have been placing even more importance on these photos because it may be the last opportunity to have them with FIL. Is it possible you understand the situation and others in the family don't? I only say that because my mother wasn't forthcoming with my father's situation with anyone other than us, and closed the circle tighter and tighter as it got worse but then was sometimes upset when others behaved as if they didn't have context - which they didn't. Not that it isn't totally inconsiderate of her sisters not to look for her after calling but do they have a history of behaving this way? It does sound chaotic and also like you all left bc of FIL's complications before the reception started/there was a chance to make up the situation? It seems like emotions are really high in a way they probably would not be if you weren't facing this challenging time and I don't blame you. If the family does not have a history of overlooking your MIL's kindness/feelings though, I'd be most inclined to think it was a misunderstanding.

[mofongo]

I’m sorry, that is incredibly hurtful.

[Jalapeñomel]

Sept 2, 2024 12:42:51 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I'm sorry this happened.

To me, it sounds like your immediate family/MIL may have been placing even more importance on these photos because it may be the last opportunity to have them with FIL. Is it possible you understand the situation and others in the family don't? I only say that because my mother wasn't forthcoming with my father's situation with anyone other than us, and closed the circle tighter and tighter as it got worse but then was sometimes upset when others behaved as if they didn't have context - which they didn't. Not that it isn't totally inconsiderate of her sisters not to look for her after calling but do they have a history of behaving this way? It does sound chaotic and also like you all left bc of FIL's complications before the reception started/there was a chance to make up the situation? It seems like emotions are really high in a way they probably would not be if you weren't facing this challenging time and I don't blame you. If the family does not have a history of overlooking your MIL's kindness/feelings though, I'd be most inclined to think it was a misunderstanding.

Good question…. My MIL is the oldest daughter, so she does bear the brunt of all the communication/caretaking of pretty much everyone. She’s always been expected to drop whatever to make sure everyone is happy, looped in, etc, and from my point of view, she’s always overlooked (although she’d disagree with me).

But they know how sick my FIL is. They also know time is short for him. But I don’t know if my MIL actually speaks her feelings to anyone else, because they are a family of “sweep it under the rug”. I don’t think anyone actually asks her about her feelings either.

[circa1978]

@jalapeñomel I hate that for her, and you. She is lucky to have you as a support and advocate.

[lostrn]

Sept 2, 2024 12:14:12 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Sept 2, 2024 12:05:38 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

I was at a family wedding this weekend that also wasn't particularly friendly to those in the family who are getting older. There was no parking at the wedding so everyone had to take a shuttle, but the shuttles were full and people had to stand to fit everyone in or else they would have missed the ceremony due to how long it took to get there...the driver did offer to drop off and come back, but no one wanted to wait.  Then once dropped off, there was a large dirt/rock path to walk down. They did have one golf cart to shuttle those who couldn't make the trek, but again, 1 cart making the trip there and back, and only fit at most 3 guests, it was just not the best situation.
Right after the ceremony, one relative said groom wanted the whole side of that family to stay for a pick, but the groom's mom said no, not right now, so everyone went to find some shade from the 90 degree heat. But then 2 minutes later everyone was called back for the picture.
So I could easily see how large group pictures get confused (yes the couple wants them, but the organizing person may not know who specifically is supposed to be in each picture, etc.), and I also think that weddings are so hard to plan for every situation, so even if the bride and groom were trying to plan for those with disabilities, etc. things might not work exactly how they expected it to.

BUT, and this is a big but, the treatment after the fact is what really matters, and that was unacceptable here. I'm sorry it ended up that way.

I do recognize that I didn’t want to go to this wedding, and that’s clouding my judgement. But a little empathy could’ve gone a long way. A retake of the photo would’ve taken no time at all.

I would be extremely frustrated/angry as well. They called you guys to come back, you check in when you get there, they say "not yet" and then 15 minutes later they've "forgotten" to get your MIL and refuse to retake a few pictures? How do you forget about a family member that quickly??

[dexteroni]

To forget is one thing (although not really bc they specifically called you back), but to not remedy it is inexcusable. I’m sorry your MIL went through all that only to end up upset in the end.