Communicating with an estranged family member

[gummybear]

My cousin has been estranged from our family for probably close to a decade. I, and maybe a couple of her cousins on the other side are the only ones she has kept in contact with, though I am probably the one she is in contact with the most since I am closest in age and I pretty much grew up with her. I completely understand her reasons for staying estranged and respect the decision. I also maintain a good relationship with her parents and sister. 

Her father - my uncle - is doing poorly. He was recently (within the last month) diagnosed with cancer and faces a not-so good prognosis. I am struggling with if and when I should communicate anything to her about the situation. She is firmly in the right in how she has approached everything in the past. Extensive therapy and healthy self-care and boundaries (none of which my other family has engaged in, in fact they've resisted it). This is not a situation where there will be a happy resolution. That ship has sailed. I do not keep her informed of most family information because I know she doesn't want me to. I've let her know of deaths in the past of people unrelated to the drama, but that's about it. 

I am DEFINTELY not looking to have there be some teary bedside reunion. As far as I can tell she has no interest in this at all. But maybe she would like to know? I'm really at a loss. If I asked her, "Would you want to know if your dad is dying/dead?" I'm pretty much telling her. There is no good answer here, right?

[fivechickens]

I would say ‘I wanted to let you know your dad has been diagnosed with…..if you want to know more I will share but I didn't feel right not telling you’ then leave it at that.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I agree with fivechickens, I would tell her the next time you spoke, and say you understand if she doesn't want any more information and you aren't trying to provide unwanted contact, but you did think she deserved to know. And I'd offer to keep her updated if she'd like to know more without having to speak to anyone directly involved, but again, if she doesn't want to know any more, that's fine too.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I will share that my parents are divorced, and they do not speak to each other beyond saying hi if they happen to both be at an event for my kids, and it's still pretty contentious between them. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn't seek out to tell my dad, but the next time I spoke to him in person, I did tell him just in an FYI this is something your family members (me and my brother and the kids) are dealing with.

[gummybear]

I think this is a reasonable suggestion. I’m going to wait a bit I think, right now there is a lot of back and forth and squabbling about treatment/diagnosis etc. and who knows best (on brand for the family ) so until things are more defined and settled I think it might be triggering for her if I can’t give her concrete information, should she want it.

[heygrey]

I think you can make it a neutral question - "As our parents are getting older would you like to know if your mom or dad has a major health issue and/or dies?" She doesn't have to assume there is something currently happening, it could be thoughtful planning ahead on your part so you can be supportive of her either way.

[RoxMonster]

My H and I are the ones estranged from his family. We do keep in touch with one aunt of his who has always been kind to us. A few years back, MIL was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was undergoing a hysterectomy. His aunt did reach out and let us know.

H did not reach out to his mom but was glad that his aunt told him, and she also told us after her surgery was over and that it went well. Just giving the perspective of someone who is in maybe a similar situation and how we felt getting the news. I know for sure that my H would want to know if his mom was dying, for instance. And even if it was news he didn't want to hear at some point, he would never hold it against his aunt.

[gummybear]

RoxMonster thank you that is very helpful. I think this is one of those things - like, the worst that could happen was she could decide to be estranged from me too which while hurtful, is completely OK bc she needs to protect herself. But if she DID want to know and I withheld it I’d live with the guilt forever and she might be hurting too. That would be much worse. I shouldn’t be the gatekeeper of information.

[tacokick]

Sept 8, 2024 10:37:10 GMT -5 heygrey said:

I think you can make it a neutral question - "As our parents are getting older would you like to know if your mom or dad has a major health issue and/or dies?" She doesn't have to assume there is something currently happening, it could be thoughtful planning ahead on your part so you can be supportive of her either way.

Yes! I wouldn’t lead with “he is sick, here is his diagnosis” because maybe she wants to know nothing. She might be suspicious with this line of discussion but better than just telling her.

[cricketwife]

Honestly, based on my recent post related to a dying estranged family member, I wouldn’t tell her. The info isn’t going to help the situation, according to your post, so it only risks upsetting her/making her question the boundaries she has set. I would tell her when he is deceased.

[m15]

As someone who doesn't speak to my dad, but does speak with his family, I would want to know. Not that I would do anything or reach out, but for my own future health. I think, in your position, I would just ask a general question about how much she wants to know as her parents age as suggested above and go from there. That being said, hearing about my father is not triggering to me. I'm very meh about the whole situation.

[gummybear]

Sept 8, 2024 11:25:28 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Honestly, based on my recent post related to a dying estranged family member, I wouldn’t tell her. The info isn’t going to help the situation, according to your post, so it only risks upsetting her/making her question the boundaries she has set. I would tell her when he is deceased.

Absolutely. In fact, depending on the actual prognosis this is probably the best option. I guess my question is to say nothing or let her know, in general. I don’t want her to feel pressured to do anything while he’s still alive. I know she doesn’t want that.

[gummybear]

Sept 8, 2024 11:31:21 GMT -5 m15 said:

As someone who doesn't speak to my dad, but does speak with his family, I would want to know. Not that I would do anything or reach out, but for my own future health. I think, in your position, I would just ask a general question about how much she wants to know as her parents age as suggested above and go from there. That being said, hearing about my father is not triggering to me. I'm very meh about the whole situation.

Meh would be the best way to describe how she feels about them!

[sonrisa]

Sept 8, 2024 9:49:47 GMT -5 fivechickens said:

I would say ‘I wanted to let you know your dad has been diagnosed with…..if you want to know more I will share but I didn't feel right not telling you’ then leave it at that.

I agree. It isn’t about reconciliation. She deserves the chance to prepare and grieve. Losing an estranged parent is hard. Not in the same ways losing a parent with a good relationship is hard, but still difficult.she may have something she needs from him that she’s been reluctant to get (information, for example). this gives her time to figure out who to ask to get it before it’s too late.

[rubytue]

Sept 8, 2024 11:31:21 GMT -5 m15 said:

As someone who doesn't speak to my dad, but does speak with his family, I would want to know. Not that I would do anything or reach out, but for my own future health. I think, in your position, I would just ask a general question about how much she wants to know as her parents age as suggested above and go from there. That being said, hearing about my father is not triggering to me. I'm very meh about the whole situation.

Similar. My aunt, the only member of my mom’s family with my contact info, recently reached out to tell me my mother had moved into assisted living. Nothing shocking given she is 81. I thanked the aunt for letting me know. And, that text confirmed that my mother is still alive and I will find out when she passes. Anyway, it was literally a feeling of thanks for letting me know. And I am glad to know that she is alive and I will find out when she dies. No emotion. Meh is the best word for it. I cannot deal with her, but she is a human and I want her to live the best she can, as long as it doesn’t invoke me. 

[flygirl]

I would simply ask if there was a medical situation in her family would she want to know. If she says no, I’d leave it and if she says yes, tell her the diagnosis info and then let her ask more questions if she is interested.

[lucybrown]

I am estranged from my biological father. I would be neither offended nor glad someone shared this type of news with me. I would not appreciate any sort of at length conversation or expectations. I would not reach out to him even if he was dying.

If you say anything at all, keep it brief and factual. It sounds like you respect her boundaries, which is very appreciated.

[redheadk]

It’s hard bc every person may react differently. I’d probably say “something has come up and I realized that it’s time to talk about our parents aging. I don’t want to force anything on you but I don’t want to make decisions for you.” Then ask if she’d like to know about serious health issues and milestones surrounding those (poor prognosis given, related serious surgeries and outcomes, deathbed, death). I’d aim to keep it as brief and neutral as possible, make no mention of any sort of action she may want/not want to take, then move on to something unrelated.

I get why some people would personally not want to know at all but I hesitate to take that choice away from someone if I’m not sure that’s what they want.

[livinitup]

I don’t have any special experience to draw from to give advice. It seems to me that your cousin could anticipate that someone to whom she was estranged would become ill or pass someday. If she hasn’t ever asked about their health or given you any instructions to inform her under these circumstances, I think you have your answer. You are hinting at trying to not do the wrong thing, either way. That is admirable. I can only imagine that it is impossible to navigate with certainty what’s best outside of doing what you’ve always done.

Do you have any reason, any hint at why she would want to know now? Other than the real-life circumstances have changed? Any hint at what she expects from you? Because expecting anything other than offering no information, or even “giving it away” with the question “Would you want to know …” would be extremely unfair of her. Do you want to share why you think she might want the information?

It’s also okay to tell her that the burden of keeping quiet has become too much for you and you want new or updated instructions. That makes it about you. and that’s fair.

[gummybear]

livinitup I have absolutely no reason to think she’d want the information. I don’t expect anything from her at all and def. wouldn’t want to have a conversation about any sort of expectation or reaction.. I guess in a way if she knew it would give her finality? Like she can close the book on the estrangement forever? Does that make sense?

PDQ
Your point about making it about me is ringing very true. I’m worried about doing the wrong thing. Her brother/my cousin died from suicide and it factors in the estrangement and I carry a lot of guilt for not doing more for him when I could. I want to do right by her.

[litskispeciality]

You have good advice here. I like the "as you parent(s) get older how much do you want to know of their health, life etc?" They may not even have a response right then, but it allows them to explore what and how much they want to know, and when etc. You OP can obviously set boundaries if they want to know a lot and you don't have the time for every update, but based on your update I doubt that will be the case. I also think in this case it's ok to make it about you as well because updates are going to continue and you deserve to be absolved of guilt if she doesn't want to know. That way you know that you've done your part and your cousin, who is an adult, can ask for updates from whomever they choose, if/when they want.

*Poof*

OP you're good people to think of everyone knowing this tough situation.

[lust2hart]

Sept 8, 2024 10:37:10 GMT -5 heygrey said:

I think you can make it a neutral question - "As our parents are getting older would you like to know if your mom or dad has a major health issue and/or dies?" She doesn't have to assume there is something currently happening, it could be thoughtful planning ahead on your part so you can be supportive of her either way.

I think this is the best approach, since you don't really know how much info, if at all, she wants about her parents. DH and his siblings were estranged from their dad for almost 20 years. His one sister wanted/wants to hear absolutely nothing about the dad or that entire side of the family, while all the other siblings appreciated being told when the dad got sick and died. 

[fn2187]

I had a similar situation and I decided to tell the person. Thank god I did because when I handled the estate it turned out that person inherited a significant estate. She had zero clues she would. She accepted the inheritance and things went a lot smoother then had I never told her (she moved oversees and nobody else had her contact info or even her new name).

[basilosaurus]

Are there other family members she cares about who would be upset about his illness and prognosis? People she'd want to support? If so, I think I'd share for their sake so that she knows and can support them to whatever degree she wants. It would be about them, not her father and others with whom she's estranged.

I would not shed a single tear nor even make a phone call if/when my dad's wife (I refuse to call her my mom even though she has that legal status) is ill or dead, but I hope he'd tell me so that I could support him.