SN check-in - back to school...

[mae0111]

How is everyone settling in to the new school year?  How are things in general?

[mae0111]

After several lengthy and severe meltdowns over the past couple of weeks, we finally had to come up with a clear crisis plan for DD1. We are rapidly approaching the point of being unable to control DD1 at home, and her meltdowns are ramping up and becoming more frequent and more intense.

I can't believe this is where we are. She has no problems at all with her behavior outside of our home. We get a lot of comments from teachers and parents about her kindness, helpfulness, and general good behavior. But we can't manage her at home.

This morning DD2 made a comment about teenage girls screaming a lot. I asked her if she understood that what happens in our house is not normal. She replied, "Well, it's normal to me."

I feel like I'm failing both of them.

[penguingrrl]

I’m so sorry and sending hugs!

[penguingrrl]

It might be a new record for us. My son’s school started a week ago today and we have a CST meeting scheduled on Tuesday because of major issues with his 1:1 aide. She’s shaming him for needing to use the breaks allowed in his IEP and called his behavior immature. His IEP is for anxiety…

My middle is doing okay. Her school started last Wednesday. She made it all 3 half days last week and was only 20 minutes late two days (and on time one). Then Monday the school refusal resurfaced, and she was 2 hours late then had been there 2 hours when the nurse called. I couldn’t get her in at all Tuesday. Yesterday she made it in an hour late then had a rough day (her 1:1 aide was out and her social worker was caught up in an emergency with another student all day, so she lacked supports). I thought that would make today impossible, but she went in only an hour late, which I’ll take. Her social worker realized that math being 1st period may be hard, so she’s going to have her spend time with the math teacher at other times and with no work involved to help them build a report before adding the stress of doing math.

[waverly]

DS is doing well. His hearing itinerant teacher had sugery, so he hasn't met with anyone yet this school year, and it has been about a month. He did get his FM system. I am not sure if he is wearing it or not, but that doesn't matter to me. It mattered to me in elementary, but in middle school I left it up to him. He is doing OT pull outs during his special classes weekly.

He is continuing tutoring with the same tutor he has had for 1.5 years. We are working on a solid Executive Function base which means missing homework, sending emails to teachers, studying, doing better quality work. This year we are working on advocacy which means using Teacher Access Days to talk to teachers that he is having trouble in their classes, usually advanced math.

We did have to get a note for gym class because DS sprained his ankle last Sunday.  So that is a bummer.  

[waverly]

mae0111, I'm sorry you are at the point of a crisis plan for your DD1. My neighbors have a son who is bipolar, and I was frequently seeing ambulance/ police over there for a while. It seems to have evened out. He is attending community college for his GED due to problems at his high school and not wanting to go to a therapuetic school.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My ds is in 10th. We got an email the 1st week of school that the school psychologist sees no need to make any changes to his 504 plan from last year, so we won't be meeting and they will email a copy for us to sign. We could appeal the decision if we so choose. We don't have a ton in his 504 and I don't feel the need to change anything right now, but I hope they will be amenable to meeting if something comes up.

Similarly, his therapist asked last night if we'd like to be done with therapy. We currently only go once a month. And I was like, well, I know ds is doing pretty well, but it seems important to keep him established with someone in case something comes up? And to help with what I see as our current biggest issue, which is that his future goal is still to be a pilot, but he can't be a pilot on ADHD meds, and he's not getting off ADHD meds any time soon (we did a 2 day trial this summer and it was not good).

The other issue he's having is that he can't wake himself up in the morning. I just got him a vibrating alarm, but even that's not helping. But at least that's minor in the grand scheme of things.

[pinkdutchtulips]

New district. 

She's still not back in school BUT progress is being made. We should find out soon if she's been accepted into an alt HS that specializes in smaller classes (8-10), smaller student body (80-90), shorter day (9a-2p), and no homework. I've been working with counselors at the new district and what they're telling me is that as a parent I'm doing everything right - all the paperwork they need I've provided, I'm being proactive about getting her into school, and the biggest one is that I'm advocating HARD for her; the hang up is district red tape. 

I don't want to jinx it but I think she's turned corner about the myriad issues she's dealing with including coming to terms with the fact that lifelong medication will be a part of her routine. Next up is a session w her therapist (she reached out to her therapist on her own), a long overdue well kid check w a full panel, and a session w a psychiatrist. A neuropsych eval is on the list as well. She wants to get to the bottom of what is going on. It's a lot. 

[nicolewi]

mae0111, I'm so sorry. That sounds really hard. I don't know the backstory. I'm assuming she is on meds?

[waverly]

DD has a mild form of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). Research articles seem to indicate this is common in people with autism, but DD is not autistic. She also does not experience this at school, only at home. Any suggestions on where I can find more information on the milder side of PDA and strategies to work with it? Could be caused by wanting to be in control and anxiety.  

ETA- Google tells me this could be a personality trait (DH has it also, and she inherited his personality), and that she may outgrow it more in adolescence.  

[mae0111]

nicolewi, yes to meds. She's almost 15, ADHD, NVLD. No ODD because she is literally an angel everywhere on the planet except for in our house. We don't know if there's more at play and additional diagnoses are in order, or if she's just acting like this to manipulate us into getting what she wants.

[cmeon]

mae0111, that (only presenting symptoms at home/with one parent/in one specific situation) no longer excludes ODD.

[pinkdutchtulips]

mae0111

Has she been evaluated for DMDD? Mine has this. There's been a recent lull but I chalk that up to her no longer using nicotine vapes (she stopped cold turkey 1-2 weeks ago).

[mae0111]

cmeon - oh interesting… I will research and talk to her therapist. Thank you!

[mae0111]

pinkdutchtulips - no additional diagnoses, but probably warrants a full evaluation. I’ve been relying on her therapist for this but maybe I need to go beyond.

[mommyatty]

DS seems to be doing okay. He loves all his teachers this year. I don’t know if he has friends at school, but he doesn’t seem unhappy. He has a BFF from his old school, and they’re on an esports team together. They play Roblox and Fortnight together every day.

One issue we have is there’s a little girl in his class who was his “girlfriend” for a few days last year. Then they “broke up” (they are now 5th graders, hence the quotation marks) and since then they hate each other. Both are SPED kids, and I don’t know what her issues are, but they seem to spend all their time trying to get each other in trouble and/or annoying each other. DS has autism and ADHD, so sometimes he’s socially awkward or flat out inappropriate. She claims he’s looking at her all the time. He says if he looks at anything near her, like trying to read the board on her side of the room, she tells the teacher and he gets in trouble. Last week, he caught her going through his locker (they don’t have locks on their lockers, they’re basically a cubby with a door in their classroom), and she claimed she wasn’t, but a lot of other kids saw her and backed DS up. He was very satisfied that she got in trouble for a change. I’m annoyed because last year we were assured these two wouldn’t be in the same class and in fact would not even be in any of the same rotations (like where 2 classes join for PE). But that obviously did not happen. So I cannot figure out if DS is being the jerk, she’s being the jerk, or they’re both being jerks. I assumed it was DS until the locker thing.

We just got DS’s first progress reports, and his grades are all Bs. So I’m happy with that.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 12, 2024 12:37:47 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

pinkdutchtulips - no additional diagnoses, but probably warrants a full evaluation. I’ve been relying on her therapist for this but maybe I need to go beyond.

It was during an inpatient stay where she was dx w DMDD, borderline BiPolar1 by the attending psychiatrist. I'm also looking at a full eval to see the extent of the ADHD and DMDD. 

[mae0111]

This is probably going to sound pretty selfish, but…

How do you work through your own emotions around your children’s differences and their impact on your life?

I have gotten to a point where I am totally burnt out, resentful, and in full-on fight-flight-freeze all the time. DD1’s behavior has improved only marginally with medication and therapy over the past 11 years, with a significant backslide over the past 6 months. The combination of managing DD1, and managing DD2’s issues (also ADHD, but a totally different presentation than DD1, so different things to manage), plus my own untreated ADHD (diagnosed 2 years ago)… I’m a pretty big mess.

I’ve recently realized that therapy isn’t working. I’ve had bad experiences with meds and I’m afraid to try again. How do you maintain your own mental health?

[pinkdutchtulips]

mae0111

I'm right there with you - 7 years and counting. Its been a rough ride. Therapy for me was hit or miss simply bc we were/are dealing with a parent/child dynamic that is NOT working in any, way, shape, or form and traditional advice doesn't work. All I can do is try not to take things personally but its very VERY hard not to.

I've tried meds in the past but for what my issues are, they don't do much - the trigger is still there.

My outlet pre-move was my 2x week rowing class. Take my aggression out on a poor rowing machine lol I'm in the process of finding a new gym bc I need the physical activity.

[holly116]

Not great.

DS1 was suspended the 2nd day of school for two days, made it another week or so and then was suspended a second time, for four days. We increased meds last Thursday and sent him back Friday. We've held our breath this week, hoping that would make a difference. And today, I got a call around 3, he has detention twice next week.

I'm a ball of nerves and also feel like I'm in full-on fight-flight-freeze all the time too, mae0111.

We called an immediate IEP meeting after the first suspension and had that meeting before the second one. He had an IEP until last year and then it was dropped. The school has said they're on it and are happy to do the evaluation but that he most likely won't qualify again. They think they can get a plan in place and that these "bumps in the road" aren't that big of a deal. He has ADHD and qualified in the past for emotional regulation issues.. which he still has.

He has made significant progress, but I think the expectations are just so much higher now (he's in 7th grade) and the tolerance for shenanigans is just so much lower, he's going to need more than just check ins. We have a good thing going at home, but at school it's a whole different story.

When he's suspended, he's only able to earn a 50% on all work that he misses. I really don't know what the heck to do next.

[mommyatty]

holly116- how did they drop the IEP? They can’t without your permission. You are an equal member of the IEP team. It sounds like your son needs a Behavior Intervention Plan. And they’re bumping up on the number of days they can suspend him without a manifestation meeting.

My son is in 5th grade, and his elementary school is awesome. I’m terrified of his move to jr high in 7th grade.

[campermom]

DMDD over here too.

mae0111 I literally was just saying to my mom last night that I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do: I don’t drink, I exercise every day. I drink lots of water, I go to therapy and I take my meds. My sleep is usually great but this week I am really struggling w that.

This has been one of our worst weeks yet at home. Thank goodness the actual school day has resulted in no referrals yet but he needed a lot of support and pull out services and crisis intervention. Things are not going well at before/after care, but the staff there works really well w us too. They truly go above and beyond. Which is good. Bc there are no other options besides getting my 75 year old mom to help but she takes my dad to radiation everyday.

I don’t know man. It’s not fair. I can’t take in too much, but the parents of DMDD Facebook group makes me feel not as alone.

[mommyatty]

mae0111- Taking care of your own mental health is not selfish. Honestly, I’m in awe of how well you hold it together with your Ds. With DD1, I would have a hard time not beating that child, and I 1000% do not believe in corporal punishment. I think I would already have sent her away to military school. Or a convent. Or a boarding school. Something. So give yourself some credit! You’re doing incredibly well.

But seriously, have you considered boarding school? I worry about DD2, who seems to be learning DD1’s behaviors. That’s so not okay.

[holly116]

Sept 12, 2024 16:13:06 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

holly116 - how did they drop the IEP? They can’t without your permission. You are an equal member of the IEP team. It sounds like your son needs a Behavior Intervention Plan. And they’re bumping up on the number of days they can suspend him without a manifestation meeting.

My son is in 5th grade, and his elementary school is awesome. I’m terrified of his move to jr high in 7th grade.

You're correct, I will take ownership. 

DH and I agreed to phase out of the IEP at our ARC meeting last March, after three years on an IEP.  He had a good 6th grade year, and had regular check-ins with his SPED teacher as required by the IEP.  As the year went on he reached the point where the check ins weren't needed.  The goals of last year's IEP were around unstructured time and they presented data showing he had met the objective like 90% of the time.

I wanted to believe my kid was rocking it like they told me. 

I wanted to believe the years of scaffolding and support we've worked SO hard to implement at home and at school was working.  We pulled him from a previous school in 2nd grade and MOVED to get into this district because of their reputation for support.  

I requested an ARC meeting immediately after the first suspension on 8/15 and we had that meeting with the team on 8/26. 

Again, I was assured that the school had it, they had a plan but specifically chose to not implement it the first week of school because it's chaotic, and these were just "expected bumps in the road".  I was almost made to feel like I was over reacting.  Everything would be fine, my child would settle in, all the hands were on deck, teachers were looped in, it would be okay. 

We're meeting again on 9/23.  Everything is not fine.  

[mala]

I'm not sure I quite belong in these threads, so sorry for those of you with a rough start to the school year. I have a question I was hoping someone might have some insight. Big Kid was diagnosed with combined type ADHD a few months ago. In the past week she's had two big ADHD- related meltdowns/shutdowns at home. No issues in school yet. One of the biggest triggers for her is just not getting enough to eat (blood sugar drops and all logic goes out the window). She's a slow eater and because of how much time she has her lunches are, frankly, more snack sized. I'm curious if adding the opportunity for a snack (like a granola bar or some fruit, nothing big) in between classes is something reasonable to ask from the school as an accommodation.

expectantsteelerfan, shortened backstory, my husband was diagnosed ADHD in 2nd grade and was medicated until high school. He also had a goal of getting a pilots license. Wasn't able to in the early 2000s even off meds because of the ADHD. In 2018 he tried again. FAA said ok, go see this psychologist and if he clears you we can try it but we're watching you. Goes really well, covid hits and he has to stop because of covid & money. He will go back when we can but it's not in the cards yet. BUT, he was basically one of the test subjects for the FAA to start allowing ADHDers into pilot training programs. The regulations were literally changed about a year ago. Right now, you can't be on any stimulant meds and get a license, but some very specific non stimulants are allowed. Specifically, the issue from the FAA about people with ADHD being pilots is the poor impulse control and the ability to keep spacial awareness on landing (which causes more accidents). H has offered to find more specific information from his contacts in the FAA if you want more information. Apparently there's a whole flow chart now about it.

[penguingrrl]

Sept 13, 2024 9:28:55 GMT -5 mala said:

I'm not sure I quite belong in these threads, so sorry for those of you with a rough start to the school year. I have a question I was hoping someone might have some insight. Big Kid was diagnosed with combined type ADHD a few months ago. In the past week she's had two big ADHD- related meltdowns/shutdowns at home. No issues in school yet. One of the biggest triggers for her is just not getting enough to eat (blood sugar drops and all logic goes out the window). She's a slow eater and because of how much time she has her lunches are, frankly, more snack sized. I'm curious if adding the opportunity for a snack (like a granola bar or some fruit, nothing big) in between classes is something reasonable to ask from the school as an accommodation.

expectantsteelerfan , shortened backstory, my husband was diagnosed ADHD in 2nd grade and was medicated until high school. He also had a goal of getting a pilots license. Wasn't able to in the early 2000s even off meds because of the ADHD. In 2018 he tried again. FAA said ok, go see this psychologist and if he clears you we can try it but we're watching you. Goes really well, covid hits and he has to stop because of covid & money. He will go back when we can but it's not in the cards yet. BUT, he was basically one of the test subjects for the FAA to start allowing ADHDers into pilot training programs. The regulations were literally changed about a year ago. Right now, you can't be on any stimulant meds and get a license, but some very specific non stimulants are allowed. Specifically, the issue from the FAA about people with ADHD being pilots is the poor impulse control and the ability to keep spacial awareness on landing (which causes more accidents). H has offered to find more specific information from his contacts in the FAA if you want more information. Apparently there's a whole flow chart now about it.

Asking for a snack is a very reasonable accommodation. My son has snacks that are kept in the nurse’s office for him because he needs to eat small amounts frequently and their lunch period is short and he’s a slow eater. They quickly realized that being hungry was a massive meltdown trigger for him and added it into his IEP since they don’t have snack time at school anymore.

[jinkies]

My DD is in 7th grade, first year of middle school. Her only formal diagnoses are learning disabilities in reading and math (dyslexia/dyscalculia) but her behavior has also been an issue for the past few years. Her behavior towards me specifically is completely off the rails, but in 5th and again in 6th grade, it also extended to the special ed teachers who she felt focused too much attention on her.

She has also had a lot of trouble maintaining friendships over the past year or so, although I monitor her texts and in 3 out of 4 of the major friend problems that she has had, it sincerely didn't seem to be her fault. The girls this age seem to be drama factories, and DD both hates it, and can't help herself but react when girls try to pull her into drama. She went into this year with no friends from her elementary school. She is making some connections already, but I'm nervous.

She is giving us very limited information on how school is going, although she did open up some last night. She has a class for kids with IEPs that helps the kids work on organization, managing assignments, etc. She told me last night the teacher asked them to do a self assessment with a list of potential problem areas (organization, managing deadlines, writing, etc) and the kids had to rate how much they thought they needed help in each area. She told me that she self-reported that she didn't need help with any of them, because she didn't want that information to be used against her to keep her from graduating out of the class. It's frustrating because I think the class would be so helpful to her if she would let them help her. But she was badly burned last school year by a bad placement at the beginning of the year, which the school refused to let her out of, no matter how many IEP meetings we called. So in some ways her reaction is understandable-- she is so afraid of that happening again.

I'm stuck between wanting to support and advocate for her, but also having a damaged relationship with her that makes it hard to help. She refuses therapy. So we are just letting things settle for a few weeks and hoping for the best.

[mommyatty]

holly116- I’m so glad they didn’t pull the crap where they just tell the parent the child no longer qualifies, and tada! No more IEP. So it sounds like it’s time to put that bad boy back in place. With a BIP. Hopefully they’re cooperative!

DS has the ability to eat snacks when he needs to during class. It’s very common for kids with ADHD to need that because they don’t eat much lunch because of their meds or they’re distracted or they don’t realize they’re hungry. So yeah, ask for that.

[mala]

Sept 13, 2024 12:11:54 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

It’s very common for kids with ADHD to need that because they don’t eat much lunch because of their meds or they’re distracted or they don’t realize they’re hungry. So yeah, ask for that.

Yeah, this is her. One of the meltdowns was literally because she was hungry and didn't want to eat dinner "early". It took so long for us to get to the bottom of the issue is that she usually doesn't feel the "hungry" cue. Getting her to eat on a schedule works, but any slight deviation from the schedule causes a cascading reaction.

[pixy0stix]

DS's behavior at the end of summer camp was pretty rough. He was almost kicked out with two weeks to go. They managed to hang in there after I asked if ANYONE had read his intake packet because there were several very specific things I had written down that weren't followed. Why pretend like you care on the intake form if no one is going to read it?

Start of school is going well. His new teacher and his old teacher met at the end of the school year to talk about how to implement his IEP in the classroom, so I'm hoping we don't have the same issues we did when he was in kindy when he became comfortable enough to act out. We had an issue with his kindy teacher at the time thinking he really didn't need an IEP until we had gotten the third call that he had hit a kid and I asked the principal (who had called me) why the IEP wasn't being followed. Most of DS's stuff is de-escalation so he doesn't hit/throw stuff and it works 95% of the time. Once everyone was on the same page I didn't get any more calls.