Teen Hangout at My house

[missva]

DS (16) is having friends over tonight and it's co-ed (14 kids, so small party). We have a pool, and our basement/bonus room opens to the patio / backyard. The kids come and go through the backyard door, so when it's just a few of them, I tend to stay out of the way upstairs. DS knows the rules (no alcohol, drugs, no one leaving and coming back etc). If you've hosted these gatherings, do you mostly stay out of the way? I can spy on them from the upstairs windows, but wondering if I should occasionally check in, bring food down etc.? These are good kids, but I also know - teenagers. Any other tips?

[ECB]

If you're not worried about them sneaking in alcohol, I feel like I'd mainly stay out of the way.

[waverly]

I only have a 13 year year old who claims his friends are not drinking or vaping. I don't really expect alcohol at this age, but it did cross my mind what if someone sneaks it in or something like that. I also know the other kids. So no, I am not really monitoring them anymore at parties. They go to the park and do a little geocaching and play BB at home. And then hang out in the basement.

I am not out of the way like holed up in my bedroom. We are in the TV room. I do say hi, give them the pizza and side dishes. I also look at what alcohol I have in the basement before they come over. I don't really expect them to hit up wine bottles, so I just make sure that beer is in an upstairs refrigerator. We aren't a fully stocked bar type family. We used to buy more wine, but haven't lately, so we don't really have much to put away.  

I am definitely not hovering, but I am not hiding either. 

I don't have a pool, but water safety is one of my main concerns.  16 should be fine in the water, but it does make you wonder, can everyone swim etc.?

[mysteriouswife]

This happened at my house last week. 22 teens taking over my back yard. H and I would take turns “refilling” snacks and drinks. Most of the teens were excited to see more candy and drinks. A few would even hug us. We also know all the kids pretty well. I never leave that many people unattended at my house. Something is bound to get knocked over or someone will do something silly. I feel no shame in checking jn

[simpsongal]

Talk to your DS about what he'd prefer. I wouldn't think it off to cross your path in the kitchen or another common space. Your DS might prefer a 'my mom is here but she's staying out of the way upstairs vibe' for the get together.

I'd largely plan to give them space. I might wander by at one point to see if anyone needs towels or anything, maybe offer to bring a hot snack or order food.

[eb777888]

I stay out of the way. I don't like, hide lol, but I give them a lot of space. And I'd be sure to hide my alcohol.

[sandandsea]

I’d be around but not on top of them if that makes sense. Like making snacks in the kitchen and coming out to pass them around or set them out. So they know they can’t get away with anything but feel like they have their space.

[InBetweenDays]

I'd keep an eye on things from afar and maybe wander down once or twice to see if they need anything. Or can you wander through on your way to take out the garbage or anything?

We don't hide our alcohol, but I have taken photos of the exact placement of things so I can know if anyone has gone through it. But generally, from what we hear from our kids they aren't stealing alcohol from the parents. They generally get it from older siblings, etc. and bring it themselves.

I will say DS had friends over recently and he knows we don't want any kids drinking at our house. Which he's told his friends. Turns out one friend stashed the alcohol in the alley and a few of them would go out and drink so they weren't technically drinking at our house. I'm not sure if they told DS this is what they were doing or if he figured it out, but DS told us about it the next day. Just something to beware of. We've always told him the more honest and communicative he is with us the longer leash he'll have. So we appreciate his honesty but it's something we're going to be more on top of.

And I'll add - these are all good kids. They're good students, active at school (sports, band, etc.), kind kids that we know well... who do stupid teenage stuff. So I bristle a bit when people make it sound like "good kids" don't do these kinds of things. (not saying you implied this OP, but I have seen it in other posts).

[waverly]

InBetweenDays , Did you tell the parents? That was my concern that if a kid brings something and drinks like at the park or something would I be considered responsible since I am hosting the event. The only good thing is that only 1 of the kids has an older sibling and they are only a sophmore.

We definitely stole alcohol from parents when I was a teenager.  Only twice, but it did definitely happen.  

[missva]

Thanks All! We have a drink fridge on the downstairs patio, and there's no alcohol in there. From what I hear and DS says, this is the group that doesn't drink, but who knows. I'll stay mostly out of the way. Trying to ask DS what snacks etc he wants me to have is so not helpful. "Goldfish" is all I got from him LOL!

Oh, and I agree that the "good kids" comment really means nothing. The Valedictorian a previous year apparently had a drug problem so... I'm just excited there will finally be girls at our house. I was beginning to wonder if DS and his friends would every socialize with girls. The entire high school is still pretty segregated by sex at the lunch tables which blows my mind. That was prime time flirting opportunity when i was in HS!

[sunshineandpinot]

Sept 13, 2024 13:24:55 GMT -5 waverly said:

 

I am definitely not hovering, but I am not hiding either. 

Same. I would pop in time to time unexpectedly, probably faking that I needed something. I would want them to be aware there is an adult present that could show up at anytime. 
Fun! That sounds like a great set-up and a fun time! Hope they enjoy!

[InBetweenDays]

waverly, we haven't told the parents. DS was a little vague about who all was drinking and I'm not sure he really even knew for sure (although it wasn't a large group of kids over so he may being intentionally vague). Of the three I suspect were drinking, I know one set of parents fairly well (DS has known him since kindergarten), one set I met recently (the group has been at her house a TON this summer and she is at our house often in the winter), and one set I've never met. I know one of the girl's parents know because she got in trouble. I haven't spoken to them about it yet but I hope to because I want them to know we didn't provide it and are not ok with that happening around our house. But DS swears they know that.

[waverly]

InBetweenDays, I am so not looking forward to that type of stuff with teens.

[InBetweenDays]

waverly, honestly I don't think it's that bad. I have a college freshman and high school sophomore so we've been through this already once (although DS is the one we need to be more on top of ). We live in a tight neighborhood in a big city. We have lots of close friends with kids the same age at the same school so lots of eyes and ears out there.

For us it's a balance of trust and communication with the understanding that they're going to push the boundaries. And while we won't condone them pushing the boundaries we will always be here as a safety net or excuse if he finds himself in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. And he's used us for that.

We've had a lot of big discussions with both kids and honestly our relationship with them right now may be my favorite stage of parenting.

[erbear]

Sept 13, 2024 14:48:33 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

waverly , honestly I don't think it's that bad. I have a college freshman and high school sophomore so we've been through this already once (although DS is the one we need to be more on top of ). We live in a tight neighborhood in a big city. We have lots of close friends with kids the same age at the same school so lots of eyes and ears out there.

For us it's a balance of trust and communication with the understanding that they're going to push the boundaries. And while we won't condone them pushing the boundaries we will always be here as a safety net or excuse if he finds himself in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. And he's used us for that.

We've had a lot of big discussions with both kids and honestly our relationship with them right now may be my favorite stage of parenting.

right. I try to remember that I was drinking and smoking and carrying on in high school. It is normal and developmentally appropriate to push boundaries. I was a "good kid", lol.

OP: I'm around but not in their way. I don't check on them constantly, but I roll down from time to time with snacks.

[fn2187]

My biggest concern is uninvited showing up. It’s super common amongst high schoolers in our area for one kid to mention they’re going to so and so’s house and and if the word “party” is used, they think it’s an open invite and word spreads like a wildfire! Our neighbor friend invited 8 girls over one Friday night and within 2 hours an insane amount of cars started pulling up and it became hundreds!!!! The parents had to call the police to get everyone out of the area and cops had to make a line to push them out of the area and yelled on loud speakers. That would be my worst nightmare (other than overdose or other medical problems).

[jorja]

Sept 13, 2024 13:59:17 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

I'd keep an eye on things from afar and maybe wander down once or twice to see if they need anything. Or can you wander through on your way to take out the garbage or anything?

We don't hide our alcohol, but I have taken photos of the exact placement of things so I can know if anyone has gone through it. But generally, from what we hear from our kids they aren't stealing alcohol from the parents. They generally get it from older siblings, etc. and bring it themselves.

I will say DS had friends over recently and he knows we don't want any kids drinking at our house. Which he's told his friends. Turns out one friend stashed the alcohol in the alley and a few of them would go out and drink so they weren't technically drinking at our house. I'm not sure if they told DS this is what they were doing or if he figured it out, but DS told us about it the next day. Just something to beware of. We've always told him the more honest and communicative he is with us the longer leash he'll have. So we appreciate his honesty but it's something we're going to be more on top of.

And I'll add - these are all good kids. They're good students, active at school (sports, band, etc.), kind kids that we know well... who do stupid teenage stuff. So I bristle a bit when people make it sound like "good kids" don't do these kinds of things. (not saying you implied this OP, but I have seen it in other posts).

I don’t have a teenager (yet), but I was a really good kid by all outside appearance; 4.0 GPA, Student Council, volunteered, spent 20 hours a week at my dance studio.

I was also an absolute menace when it came to other “extracurricular” activities.

[InBetweenDays]

Sept 13, 2024 20:56:09 GMT -5 jorja said:

Sept 13, 2024 13:59:17 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

I'd keep an eye on things from afar and maybe wander down once or twice to see if they need anything. Or can you wander through on your way to take out the garbage or anything?

We don't hide our alcohol, but I have taken photos of the exact placement of things so I can know if anyone has gone through it. But generally, from what we hear from our kids they aren't stealing alcohol from the parents. They generally get it from older siblings, etc. and bring it themselves.

I will say DS had friends over recently and he knows we don't want any kids drinking at our house. Which he's told his friends. Turns out one friend stashed the alcohol in the alley and a few of them would go out and drink so they weren't technically drinking at our house. I'm not sure if they told DS this is what they were doing or if he figured it out, but DS told us about it the next day. Just something to beware of. We've always told him the more honest and communicative he is with us the longer leash he'll have. So we appreciate his honesty but it's something we're going to be more on top of.

And I'll add - these are all good kids. They're good students, active at school (sports, band, etc.), kind kids that we know well... who do stupid teenage stuff. So I bristle a bit when people make it sound like "good kids" don't do these kinds of things. (not saying you implied this OP, but I have seen it in other posts).

I don’t have a teenager (yet), but I was a really good kid by all outside appearance; 4.0 GPA, Student Council, volunteered, spent 20 hours a week at my dance studio.

I was also an absolute menace when it came to other “extracurricular” activities.

Right, and my point is you were probably still a good kid - not just by outside appearance! The kids at our house are still good kids. Pushing the boundaries, drinking alcohol on occasion, etc. doesn't make you a bad kid.

[gummybear]

How did it go?
We’ve never had more than 8 or so over, but we do have smaller groups a lot. We moved the alcohol in 8th grade (when we had two instances of a child taking one beer and one seltzer). Our basement is finished but has no way out besides through the house so there’s no way to sneak anyone/anything in without us knowing.

DD generally tells us a lot - and she swears up and down there’s never been drinking at our house - which is the main reason there’s never been a bigger gathering (lol). She is a tyrannical force and she said she’s told her friends not to even try. Mostly bc SHE doesn’t want to get in trouble and we’ve set the expectation thst if we catch anything we’d call parents. There are plenty of parents that turn a blind eye, call Ubers, or have big sleepovers. These are reasonable people with “good kids” so we focus on HER decision making instead.

[eddy]

I stay out of the way. I might clear plates at some point, but otherwise stay clear. Our house is small I feel like even with privacy I know what is going on.

[missva]

The gathering went well! No crashers and no illegal activity as far as I could tell. I mostly stayed upstairs, but a few of the kids I knew came up because I had extra dinner, so I got to talk to them. They spent most of the time in the pool and everyone was gone before 11, so success in my mind!