Retired grandparents and busy schedules

[ny96]

I hope that these feelings are normal and ok to have because I’m dealing with similar feelings. My mom never made plans to be close by, but she recently came to visit for 3 days and before that had last come a year and a half ago. I struggled with whether to express my frustration and sadness to her and then finally sent a text. I told her I was upset that she was only coming for 3 days after not coming for 18 months, and that we missed her and I wanted her to see what the kids were up to, their schools, and generally be more involved. She responded by text and we never spoke about it, but we had a really good visit and I feel confident I was heard.

[SusanBAnthony]

I would be hurt for sure. Less because they decided to move, more because all this crap they bought could becime your problem very quickly, and because they previously said they'd move close.

But... not a lot you can do obviously. Its their life. I would say something to my own parents though.

My in laws are uninvolved in our life but act surprised that the kids don't particularly care about them (in fact they actively don't want to spend time with FIL). This is the consequence of 15 years of priorities... now that the grandkids are actually interesting to FIL, they DGAF about him. Reep what you sow.

[jobae1234]

My mom was and is a great mom, but she’s been a disappointing grandmother. She deprioritizes my kid and is then so hurt that she’s not the favorite grandparent. Well, her other grandmother doesn’t cancel planned sleepovers to attend her friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party, MOM.

What can you really do? It hurts, a lot, to feel like you’re not a priority to your parents, now they they have the freedom to choose how they spend their time fully. But for some reason they need this. These are the decisions they’re making.

I personally would say, “you’ve always said you planned to move near me and Brother once you retired, what changed your mind?” And then just listen. Maybe they really dislike where you live. Maybe something happened. Maybe they’re still planning to come by you in a couple of years. Maybe they don’t want to be dependent on their kids for a social life after all.

[livinitup]

We took one trip with my in-laws in February 2020. It was a week and it was “the big trip” and we talked about doing it for years. Like, so many years that it seemed like they liked the thought of doing it more than actually doing it. I forced all of us to plan it, then we went. It was nice. Then the pandemic hit 2 weeks later.

My in-laws are nice people. Well, my FIL was, he died last year. I don’t have regrets about our relationship & their involvement. But it was a lot more talk than action. It was light and mostly holiday meals and visits. My MIL lives nearby in the summer and goes back to Florida in the winter. She likes us to come over and bring dinner. Sometimes we talk her into going out for lunch so my teenager can join us, too (my teen works at dinner time on weekends). It’s nice. But she doesn’t want to do more than that. I’m grateful that she is in good health.

I thought I would see my parents more. With my FIL’s death and my teenager looking to go to college in few years, I thought I’d see my parents more. Time is precious and not guaranteed and all that. Nope. My parents took a 2 week cruise this summer and it didn’t work out for them to visit us. I visited them (as usual) in May. I don’t really know why they didn’t visit. I can always go to them (of course). But as retired people with the whole summer off, it does seem weird that they missed visiting this summer.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s that unusual that boomers do these things. They desperately want to see us and be near us. But then, don’t visit much.

Maybe it’s about being the center of attention or affection, maintaining the “main” house? It’s subtle, but real. My parents settle into my house when they visit (they really spread out) but REALLY prefer their own. And they won’t move because they love love love their stuff. Not hoarder level, just all of the stuff, and it’s pretty obvious with my MIL. The ILs both had an aversion for years to come over here. They always wanted people to come to them. Great hosts! I give them credit. But it’s obvious that they have no interest in not being the main character of the movie of our lives. All of the grandparents.

ETA: To answer your question, yes, I would think over their plan for all-summer traveling, decide what you want/what is best for your kids, and suggest it. I am stunned that my very engaged & enthusiastic parents think little about how their plans impact our ability to do the things they also want to do. I’ve also learned that if I want them to change any plans, it’s best to lay out the case on how it’s best for them. “I can send the kids to your house for 2 weeks in June if you shift and leave for your trip July-Sept. You’ll have a lot less traffic and crowds if you shift your plans and travel in September.”

Also, in your very specific example, If I felt strongly that I wanted to bring the kids for the month of July or August and work remotely, then I would just plan THAT. My parents would let me visit and stay in their house whenever & as long as I wanted. When it dawned ON THEM that we would be there and they’d be gone, that’s when they would change their plans. Maybe.

[janegold]

Just jumping in on the same boat to commiserate. My parents, who live 750 miles away, have talked for years and years about moving near us. They had a timeline in place once my dad fully retired, several years ago now. We have no other family support here (that's not to say we have no other family...H's mom lives two miles away but is the opposite of supportive), we work two very demanding jobs, H travels all the time, and we have two little kids (plus the grown child that is my MIL). It's a lot and we really could use their support and would love to have them be a part of our regular lives. But...their move has never materialized. And then my sister, who lives near them, had a baby last year which I knew was the final nail in the coffin of hoping they would ever move near us.

Obviously they have every right to live their life however and wherever they want, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.

ETA, to echo what livinitup said, I think a big factor for my parents is not wanting to give up their big beautiful house in their MCOL area to downsize to a smaller house in our HCOL area.  Which I do get (although at 5000 sqft, it's way more than they need). But then, sometimes when I'm feeling less charitable, it feels like they're choosing their house and their stuff over us.  

[wildrice]

I don't have kids, so I don't have that layer of things - but I can relate to this a lot too. I've complained about this a lot over the years but my parents and my sister and her kids moved to Texas about 8 years ago, from the midwest. For the first 34 years of my life, my parents always said they would never move away from their kids and wouldn't want to have to get on a flight to see us, and then suddenly they went ahead and did just that. It was complicated by the fact that my sister and her kids (the only grandkids) moved too, but I am also not sure that my sister would have even moved there if my parents hadn't agreed to go with. So it just kind of felt like half our family decided to up and leave the other half behind. I know I never would have left the midwest if they were still there - I never wanted to live so far from family either. It sucks - I miss out on so many things, including what my niece/nephew are doing as they are growing up. I wish they never moved away from home or that if they did, that they would have moved somewhere I could tolerate following them. So anyway, I can commiserate.

I also know that no matter how many times I've tried to be supportive and truly believe that they are adults and can do whatever they want with their lives - and should do so guilt free - I still hate it and still feel bad about the situation. I do think it helps somewhat that we've had many transparent conversations about this. I've always told them that I was supportive of them doing what they want, and also that I am sad. That way it's not a secret or a wall between us, just something that "is what it is", I guess.

It doesn't sound like it will change anything to share your feelings with them, but if you are close I would still talk about it with them. Not in a way to try to change their behavior or make them feel bad, but just to be honest about how you feel.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 4, 2024 16:26:36 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Honestly that’s sucks and I think I would have the same response.

But then I would be petty and basically cut contact unless they invite you to visit and pay for it because fuck that shit.

And if they ever realize their decisions have consequences you can have the ability to say “unfortunately in this season of life having you all X hours away doesn’t work for us with X Y Z.”

WHAT ?!? 

This is the reaction my xh had when my mom and stepdad told us they were retiring to WA State from the SF Bay Area. Thankfully I didn't share that reaction as 1 - they lived 90 mins away from us to begin with so they weren't super handy and 2- their retirement monies could stretch alot further in WA than CA (neither of them owned their own homes).

I grew up w/o grandparents (we were in PA, they were in CA) so it wasn't a big change for me at all. Also I never viewed my mom as my best friend who I talked to or texted with daily ... we were both too busy for that. 

In spite of the distance, a 2h plane ride, my daughter did have a relationship with her gma until her sudden and unexpected passing. 

[devonpow]

I get being upset because it had long been a conversation that they would do something different- but I’m really surprised at the level of animosity some posters have about this subject. I’m assuming many of us live away from our parents because we chose to move or go to college somewhere else or take a job somewhere else. I would be horrified if my parents were angry at me over making a life decision over where to move. And relationships don’t have to suffer due to distance. I live in Boston and my parents are in Florida and it has been this way since my kids (now teenagers) were born. They have a great relationship. Of course I wish I could see them more, but I’m not going to hold it against them. They like living in Florida. I like living in Boston. Being upset with someone for wanting to live somewhere different than I want to live just doesn’t make sense to me

[wanderingback]

Oct 7, 2024 11:11:53 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I get being upset because it had long been a conversation that they would do something different- but I’m really surprised at the level of animosity some posters have about this subject. I’m assuming many of us live away from our parents because we chose to move or go to college somewhere else or take a job somewhere else. I would be horrified if my parents were angry at me over making a life decision over where to move. And relationships don’t have to suffer due to distance. I live in Boston and my parents are in Florida and it has been this way since my kids (now teenagers) were born. They have a great relationship. Of course I wish I could see them more, but I’m not going to hold it against them. They like living in Florida. I like living in Boston. Being upset with someone for wanting to live somewhere different than I want to live just doesn’t make sense to me

Exactly this.
I always thought I’d go to a college in a big city (talked about it during high school) but I ended up going to college in a small town in the opposite direction of anywhere my parents would ever need to go. I now live in an expensive city even farther away from them. I also had several detours along the way, including living overseas. I’m so glad they’ve always been nothing but supportive of me "changing my mind" and I 100% extend grace to them doing what they want (my parents are divorced now) in their "golden years."

I could see a lot more animosity if someone moved to a town with their parents specifically to be close and then the parents up and leave without a conversation. But none of these situations sound like that is what happened, it’s mostly expecting the parents to move close to them. I 100% understand we all have feelings and it’s ok to be sad (I would love if my parents lived in our neighborhood), but the animosity and talk about cutting people out your lives seems really misplaced for normal adult behavior in regards to moving and changing plans as one ages.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 7, 2024 11:11:53 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I get being upset because it had long been a conversation that they would do something different- but I’m really surprised at the level of animosity some posters have about this subject. I’m assuming many of us live away from our parents because we chose to move or go to college somewhere else or take a job somewhere else. I would be horrified if my parents were angry at me over making a life decision over where to move. And relationships don’t have to suffer due to distance. I live in Boston and my parents are in Florida and it has been this way since my kids (now teenagers) were born. They have a great relationship. Of course I wish I could see them more, but I’m not going to hold it against them. They like living in Florida. I like living in Boston. Being upset with someone for wanting to live somewhere different than I want to live just doesn’t make sense to me

+1 

My dad is in Detroit and I've got siblings in CA (2h away), WY, and MI. We're lucky if we get together (the 5 of us + kids, spouses/partners) every other year. 

[jorja]

Oct 5, 2024 9:10:12 GMT -5 abs said:

I have often felt like this board takes an unrealistic (and spoiled) view of grandparents. I would be sad and hurt in this situation but ultimately it’s their choice and they get to live their lives as they see fit. Traveling and being able to do what you want sounds great to me personally.

We waited until later in life to have kids. As such our parents are older and while they love DD they’ve never been childcare for us. Nor should they be. They’ve done that and have their own lives. We see my mom and MIL once a month or so for a meal. FIL less. My dad made the choice to move to Japan and I haven’t seen him in 5 years. It is what it is. DD is moderately close to both her grandma’s and not all with her grandad’s. Do I wish it was different? Of course but our life as is is pretty great, too.

Yeah, I’m here.

3/4 of my kids grandparents have been much less involved in my kid’s lives than I thought they would be. It’s disappointing and at times very hurtful, but they don’t owe us anything. We never anticipated relying on them for childcare, so that wasn’t a surprise, but we have zero day to day help from them. It is what it is.

Going no contact over this is unhinged.

[monalua]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I totally feel you. I'm in a similar situation with my parents. They moved 6 hours away (over a very busy/often closed mountain pass). They could have moved anywhere. They have all the time in the world, it seems - my dad spends his days hiking, my mom, doing puzzles and genealogy research. We are close with them, but it really hurts that they don't want to spend much time with us or their grandkids. I feel I am surrounded by grandparents who care for their grandkids, attend every game and performance, do sleepovers etc. My dad is a huge sports fan and attended all of my sports stuff growing up. My son has played basketball for the last 10 years and my dad has never once seen him play. We go to see them as much as possible, but we have school, jobs, and sports, so our schedules are not that flexible. I talked to my parents about it when they were buying their new house. They didn't seem to get where I was coming from and mostly deflected my concerns. So, I don't know how much talking to them would help...My husband and I plan to be the super involved grandparents someday (if our kids have kids) and are already trying to make decisions so that this can happen. Even if we don't have grandkids, we will be there for our kids! That does seem to bring me comfort, knowing we can change things for the future. Hugs to you.

[pugz]

I feel like this kinda thing happens a lot. Retirement happens and then folks (with money) realize they wanna go on big adventures while they still can, which I totally get. My friend's parents moved from KS to Alaska, like as far away from their 3 kids as possible and getting them to visit is like pulling teeth. Just not a priority at all.

My in laws have traveled quite a bit but still prioritized seeing grandkids a couple times a year which was how it was before retirement too.

We see my parents a lot because they cannot travel for health reasons. I wish they could though, so many places they've never been to.