Retired grandparents and busy schedules

[lessel]

I'm wondering how y'all would handle this situation. One one hand, I feel like I'm acting like a spoiled kid, but on the other hand I'm just deeply sad.

My parents retired last year. Like say 95% retired... they've got one foot in a company they've invested in but it's not taking up much of their time. They talked for years and years about how when they retired they wanted to get a house within a few hours of where we live (my brother and his kids also live in the same city as us). Their home was a 7-hour drive. Which, they're still keeping that home for the time being because my grandmother lives there too, but they were looking to buy a second home near us. They wanted to be within a couple hours driving distance so they could come for an event at the kids' school and just generally see them more often. They wanted to buy a small, low maintenance place. Again, this was the plan for years--started about the time I got pregnant with their first grandkid (who is 9.5y now).

And, because they owned their own company, my mom has had the flexibility to stay with us a few times a year, sometimes for weeks at a time. The kids are really tight with this set of grandparents, and particularly so with my mom. 

Right around the time retirement happened, they changed plans seemingly on a whim, and bought a house and property that's about 12 hours from us. It's several acres on the coast (hurricane risk area), with a house bigger than their current house and needed a ton of work. Literally the opposite of their plans. They're about 50-50 time between that house and the one that's 7 hours away, maybe even more at the new house bc it needs so much work. (Which has also left my 90yo grandma solo more than was planned.) Also, our city is not a mid-way point or anything between the two, so we're not like a stop-over in between.

So basically, in retirement we have seen them both, but in particular my mom, A LOT less. In addition to buying a house they bought an RV, boat, etc. etc. And I am truly very happy for them because they worked so hard for so long, they deserve all of the things... but it just makes me pause a bit because these items are all several hundreds of thousands of dollars. (Plus all of the work on the house is more than they expected and the insurance costs are mind-boggling... it's just a lot all at once. And my dad has made some epically bad business and financial decisions that nearly bankrupted them, so it's not without history that I worry.)

This past summer the kids stayed at their new house for a week and loved it. We talked about how next summer, they wanted to stay there longer and maybe I'd even work remotely from there so we could be there a few weeks. But now they're planning a 3-month-long trip in the RV to Alaska. Early June through the end of August. They probably won't see the kids at all next summer. I literally couldn't form a response when they told me. 

On one hand I want to be their biggest cheerleader to go live their lives, spend their money, and do whatever makes them happy. On the other hand I guess I thought their family would be a part of that phase of life for them. And I'm just sad and I miss my mom. 

My WWYD question is would you say something to them about this? Or do I just try to move on, cheer them on from afar, and cherish whatever time we do get?

[meanie]

We have close friends who are in a similar boat, the grandparents were so excited to be with their grandkids all the time but now they retired (and moved close)....and they are off traveling all the time. Everyone is happy for them but also scratching their heads a bit at the 180.

I'm not sure there is much you can say, other than telling them you and the kids miss them. They might feel like they only get a few "good" years where they can be this active and want to soak it up before they have physical limitations.

My parents could move closer if they wanted to - they have 0 family where they are, my dad is retired and my mom works remote. I am their only child and it definitely stings a bit that they have chosen to stay where they are.

[tiki]

My parents did something similar - moved to Florida for retirement. We were an 8 hour drive before, but now it's a 4-hour flight plus a 1-hour drive in a rental car. There's no way for our family to get to them without it costing several thousand dollars, and so we see them less often than we used to. It's a bummer, but also their choice, and there's not much I can do about that.

[waverly]

They don't seem super flexible, I guess with the way they are thinking about the situation. For example, they could go July and August and spend June with everyone, and they don't seem to take that into consideration. I probably wouldn't say too much anticipating that it won't change, unfortunately. I guess you could offer to see them Christmas break, but only if that works with your schedule.

My mom is a 5 hour drive away and usually we have seen her 6 times a year, but this past year we hadn't seen her at all because she went on 4 trips. She kept saying well I never see you, yes mom because you went on 4 trips in 6 months.  We did finally see her in August, but before that I think it was Thanksgiving and only because we went to her area. 

[ssmjlm]

Honestly that’s sucks and I think I would have the same response.

But then I would be petty and basically cut contact unless they invite you to visit and pay for it because fuck that shit.

And if they ever realize their decisions have consequences you can have the ability to say “unfortunately in this season of life having you all X hours away doesn’t work for us with X Y Z.”

[Deleted]

I’m sorry. I’d be hurt and sad too. I think it’s fine to tell your parents that you and the kids miss them, and were hoping to see them more in their retirement. Maybe opening up a conversation will help them understand how you feel….and maybe they’ll share something that can help this make more sense to you.

I’ll echo what another poster said, that they may feel like spending a lot of time with you might send a signal that they think you NEED their help, or they may also be worried that they’ll be in the way somehow.

[InBetweenDays]

I'm sorry. I can totally understand how that would make you sad. I think you can both express that you miss them (without guilting them) AND cheer them on to live their best retired life. This is an exciting time for them to have some freedom.

[Poppy]

I feel you. My parents just moved AWAY from us this spring. They were a <10 min drive and now they're out in a rural Midwest area and it's a 2 day road trip or a plane and long drive to get to them. I do not get it.

But, I've had some time to adjust because they just never stepped up like I expected once we had kids. It makes me really sad. We went out there a couple months ago and I did talk to my Mom during the trip. I am glad I did because it was eating me up, but it didn't really change anything. She says she'll come out for any old thing and still claims to want to be involved but I'm not counting on seeing her much.

I'm sorry. It hurts.

[InBetweenDays]

Oct 4, 2024 16:26:36 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Honestly that’s sucks and I think I would have the same response.

But then I would be petty and basically cut contact unless they invite you to visit and pay for it because fuck that shit.

And if they ever realize their decisions have consequences you can have the ability to say “unfortunately in this season of life having you all X hours away doesn’t work for us with X Y Z.”

Damn. That's harsh. I hope my kids don't cut me off if we decide to get out and travel during retirement after we spend 40-45 years working hard to create and maintain a stable, loving family, raise them, and establish a solid foundation that will support them into and through adulthood.

[ssmjlm]

Oct 4, 2024 19:32:31 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Oct 4, 2024 16:26:36 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Honestly that’s sucks and I think I would have the same response.

But then I would be petty and basically cut contact unless they invite you to visit and pay for it because fuck that shit.

And if they ever realize their decisions have consequences you can have the ability to say “unfortunately in this season of life having you all X hours away doesn’t work for us with X Y Z.”

Damn. That's harsh. I hope my kids don't cut me off if we decide to get out and travel during retirement after we spend 40-45 years working hard to create and maintain a stable, loving family, raise them, and establish a solid foundation that will support them into and through adulthood.

The OP says they’ve been telling her they were going to move closer for years and then do a 180. That’s the issue. If they never said anything then no harm, but don’t sell me on a retirement of family time with both the OP and her brother and then change plans that are costing a boat load of money with a history of poor financial decisions.

[InBetweenDays]

Oct 4, 2024 19:40:26 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Oct 4, 2024 19:32:31 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Damn. That's harsh. I hope my kids don't cut me off if we decide to get out and travel during retirement after we spend 40-45 years working hard to create and maintain a stable, loving family, raise them, and establish a solid foundation that will support them into and through adulthood.

The OP says they’ve been telling her they were going to move closer for years and then do a 180. That’s the issue. If they never said anything then no harm, but don’t sell me on a retirement of family time with both the OP and her brother and then change plans that are costing a boat load of money with a history of poor financial decisions.

It's still their life and retirement that they've worked hard for. And I can imagine getting to that stage and thinking "hey I know we had plans to do X but let's take a few years and go have some fun!" I can totally understand the OP being sad. But I can't get behind cutting them off unless they pay for you to visit.

[tacokick]

I think I would maybe tactfully bring up that if they left in July and traveled into September you’d be able to visit them in June. I feel like retired people tend to completely forget about school and work schedules.

Since they are providing their own housing and transportation for that trip I’d think it would be more flexible.

If they are really resistant to that then you can use that info moving forward.

[lilac05]

The closer I am to people as they retire, the more I’m learning that often what they decide they want to do when the time comes is actually different than what they thought. I think watching a lot of your peers/friends get really ill and/or die before or soon after retiring really messes with you. And they know that this is their “final chapter.” It turns out, for a lot of people willing to have the hard conversations, retirement often isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I think I’d feel similarly, but wouldn’t say anything other than we missed them and hoped they could make a trip our way soon.

[wise_rita]

How long will they realistically be in a hurricane zone so far from family? Sadly your kids entire childhood, probably. At some point they're going to need day-to-day help, and it's on them to make it practical for their kids.

No advice, just here to shit all over the terrible Boomer decision making and mindset.

[lessel]

Thanks, y’all. Unintentional post and ghost yesterday. I appreciate that the reaction wasn’t 100% that I’m a spoiled brat. I really do want them to go out and have adventures. They have worked so hard and so deserve it. I guess I just thought their home base for doing all that would be closer to us.

And it really was a 180 change. They were looking at houses and cabins a couple hours from us casually for years and then got serious and had a realtor and had seen and liked a few places. Then they were visiting my uncle (an area they visited maybe once every few years) and were under contract on this place in a couple weeks. They’re about 90 mins from family there and see my cousin and her kids a lot lately. Like, they’re going to see my cousin’s daughter’s dance recital but can’t come to grandparent’s day at our boys’ school. It stings.

I have sort of joked about how they are so far away. And I’ve told my mom directly that I miss her. I do find myself calling her less these days (we used to talk literally every day) because I’m hurt. But then again it’s always me calling her and that hurts too.

Ugh. Parents.

[maudefindlay]

Why not look at your schedule for the next year and invite them to your place for some extended times, for example if you aren't traveling for fall or spring break maybe they come to stay. They'd get extra time with your kids off school and you'd get childcare and could visit after work. I still think you can get that time in, but it just may look different and you may need to initiate it. Maybe after a few suggestions from you they might start to join in the planning as well. Do you have a trip planned for next summer? Could you meet up with them for part of their trip?

[felicity]

I'm sorry, that sounds really hurtful. It sounds like they never even acknowledged the 180 change to you? Of course they deserve everything they have earned, to have trips and adventures, but it sounds like they aren't making seeing you and your kids a priority while acting oblivious about your feelings. You're not a spoiled brat for wanting that. They are acting in a way that would hurt most people.

Do you think you would get anywhere if you said something? In healthy families, I think it's normal to have one person say they are feeling hurt about xyz, and then the other person cares and tries to make them feel better and works to come up with a solution to make everyone feel better, but I get the impression that your parents might be the type to gaslight you or try to make you feel bad for bringing it up.

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2024 6:18:01 GMT -5 felicity said:

I'm sorry, that sounds really hurtful. It sounds like they never even acknowledged the 180 change to you? Of course they deserve everything they have earned, to have trips and adventures, but it sounds like they aren't making seeing you and your kids a priority while acting oblivious about your feelings. You're not a spoiled brat for wanting that. They are acting in a way that would hurt most people.

Do you think you would get anywhere if you said something? In healthy families, I think it's normal to have one person say they are feeling hurt about xyz, and then the other person cares and tries to make them feel better and works to come up with a solution to make everyone feel better, but I get the impression that your parents might be the type to gaslight you or try to make you feel bad for bringing it up.

The more I’ve sat with this, the more I agree. I think it’s that they never acknowledged their change of plans to you. It might have been helpful if they had said something like “I know we discussed us moving closer to you, but we talked it over and we want to travel while we’re still able to. We still want to move close to you, but maybe not for another ten years or so.”

My parents are your classic stoic boomers who never talk about their feelings or emotions, and don’t tend to acknowledge others’ feeling either. I could totally see my parents having an experience like a same-aged friend passing away or getting very ill, freaking out about their mortality, and dealing with that by traveling/running away from it instead of spending time with their family. And we have a great relationship! They’re so freaked out about death that they are in their mid-70s and don’t now, nor have they ever, had a will drawn up. They won’t even think about their own deaths.

[lessel]

maudefindlay We were planning to take a trip first week of the summer (rescheduling a canceled trip from this past summer when we had to covid cancel). I brought up the topic of next year summer plans with them and that’s when I learned about the months-long RV road trip plan. They had actually wanted to do a smaller version of that last summer but it had to be postponed bc of a surgery. We had talked about meeting them in AK for a bit of their trip last year, but the flight costs were too expensive for us.

felicity @villainv You guys are so right about the talking about feelings thing. When I was in the shower this morning I was like playing out in my head how I’d start a conversation about this and it went something like, “So I know we don’t talk about our feelings in this family, but...” 😬


A couple folks have also mentioned grandparent help with kids. It’s not about that for us really. We do have two neurodivergent boys who are a handful, so I think they’ve only babysat for us like twice in 9 years. It is helpful to have them around, of course, but they’ve never been a childcare plan for us. We just like having them around. My brother does need more help though, so grandparents not in proximity is disappointing to him too. He’s recently divorced and has two littles joint custody, so having extra adults around is a big help for him.

[nicolewi]

That would be really hard for me, too. Also Poppy that move would be hurtful, too. As noted, they can make their own choices and live their own lives, but it's hard to understand if they move away when they say they want their lives to be with you.

And also....sadly they may need help in years to come and that's a lot more difficult when they don't live nearby.

[waverly]

I think it’s extra hurtful because they didn’t discuss it and then going to all the other kid stuff.

My dad lived in South America. Whenever he visited he ignored both my sister’s kids and my kids. Honestly it was bizarre. But anyway then he would send us pictures of his random girlfriend’s kids. I know he also ignored them because that is his personality, but I didn’t need to see the pictures of him appearing to hang with them while ignoring us.

[wanderingback]

Oct 4, 2024 16:26:36 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Honestly that’s sucks and I think I would have the same response.

But then I would be petty and basically cut contact unless they invite you to visit and pay for it because fuck that shit.

And if they ever realize their decisions have consequences you can have the ability to say “unfortunately in this season of life having you all X hours away doesn’t work for us with X Y Z.”

What in the world? Why would you cut contact?!

OP, I think it’s totally fine to feel sad, we’re all human. But your parents are free to do whatever they want after working all their lives. They’re also free to change their mind about how they want to spend their time during retirement. Many people don’t "stick to the plan."

Adulting and raising kids is hard as shit (as I’m sure you’re well aware) and requires lots of sacrifice. I would be pissed if my daughter expected me to continue to sacrifice and not live life on my own terms at the end of my life.

[stemmie]

It's OK to feel however you feel about it. But at the end of the day, they get to choose to live where and how they wish to live, just as you get to make your own choices.

My parents moved 4 hours away when they retired and then added a second place a 3-hour flight away to spend their "winters" (Nov-mid-May). I am pretty salty about this as they'd been exceptional hands-on grandparents to my sister's kids who are much old and never really had a bond with mine. They had a marvelous 15-year retirement snowbirding and we created new routines and traditions that didn't include them. I always told my DH they'd come back when one of them needed their ass wiped which is exactly what happened when dad developed dementia and they needed family help.

That said, among my friends I see all kinds of grandparenting from the ones funding private schools with veto power to those who kids spend as many weekends with the grandparents as their own parents to those who declared "I raised my own kids, I'm done". One friend's mom loves the littles, but once they hit about 8-10 she's not too interested; the kids seem more into their friends at that age so it's fine. I kind of get a sense their older grandkids allowed my parents to have the "grandparent experience" and they were ready to do something different.

I did tell my mom how I feel about her choices and the impact they had on me and the consequences of the cordial relationship she has with my kid vs the warm one she has with the others. I don't harp on it or claim her choices were wrong, but I felt the need to tell her my side of the story.

[konapoppy]

I’m sorry, I would be hurt too.

I think a lot of it is just their generation. That’s why JD Vance saying grandparents are affordable childcare was so laughable. That generation wants to live their life (which is good!) but it does come with a sacrifice.

[abs]

I have often felt like this board takes an unrealistic (and spoiled) view of grandparents. I would be sad and hurt in this situation but ultimately it’s their choice and they get to live their lives as they see fit. Traveling and being able to do what you want sounds great to me personally.

We waited until later in life to have kids. As such our parents are older and while they love DD they’ve never been childcare for us. Nor should they be. They’ve done that and have their own lives. We see my mom and MIL once a month or so for a meal. FIL less. My dad made the choice to move to Japan and I haven’t seen him in 5 years. It is what it is. DD is moderately close to both her grandma’s and not all with her grandad’s. Do I wish it was different? Of course but our life as is is pretty great, too.

[vmars]

That sucks and I am sorry. My mom was the driving force to staying close to her kids/grandkids when they retired. My dad would have moved out of state. They still did alot of traveling and I could never really rely on them for childcare due to their schedules. I am glad they did stick around because over the summer my dad was paralyzed from the chest down boogie boarding. He’s 76, but was in very good health before his accident. My mom is 74 and also in good health, but this took a huge toll. I will say I am so glad, me and my siblings are all 2 hours or less from them. We are able to make provide support and spread it out between the 3 of us. No one wants to talk about what happens if things don’t go as planned, but maybe bring up the downfalls to living far from family (ie less time with grandkids, but also no help if things go sideways).

[konapoppy]

Oct 5, 2024 9:10:12 GMT -5 abs said:

I have often felt like this board takes an unrealistic (and spoiled) view of grandparents. I would be sad and hurt in this situation but ultimately it’s their choice and they get to live their lives as they see fit. Traveling and being able to do what you want sounds great to me personally.

We waited until later in life to have kids. As such our parents are older and while they love DD they’ve never been childcare for us. Nor should they be. They’ve done that and have their own lives. We see my mom and MIL once a month or so for a meal. FIL less. My dad made the choice to move to Japan and I haven’t seen him in 5 years. It is what it is. DD is moderately close to both her grandma’s and not all with her grandad’s. Do I wish it was different? Of course but our life as is is pretty great, too.

Almost everyone in this thread agrees with you. I don't get the animosity.

[abs]

Oct 5, 2024 10:26:05 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Oct 5, 2024 9:10:12 GMT -5 abs said:

I have often felt like this board takes an unrealistic (and spoiled) view of grandparents. I would be sad and hurt in this situation but ultimately it’s their choice and they get to live their lives as they see fit. Traveling and being able to do what you want sounds great to me personally.

We waited until later in life to have kids. As such our parents are older and while they love DD they’ve never been childcare for us. Nor should they be. They’ve done that and have their own lives. We see my mom and MIL once a month or so for a meal. FIL less. My dad made the choice to move to Japan and I haven’t seen him in 5 years. It is what it is. DD is moderately close to both her grandma’s and not all with her grandad’s. Do I wish it was different? Of course but our life as is is pretty great, too.

Almost everyone in this thread agrees with you. I don't get the animosity.

There’s zero animosity. Family dynamics often shake out differently than planned and sometimes feelings get hurt when they shouldn’t be. Not a reflection of just this post but of 10 years of this same theme. Like I said I get it and would be hurt, too. I would have loved parents to be around more when DD was younger. They weren’t though and it’s truly ok. Took years of perspective to see that though.

[heygrey]

I would be hurt that they talked about moving close and being more involved, but then did the complete opposite without so much as a conversation. But I'm in my era of matching energy and believing people when they show me who they are. Your parents are showing you where their priorities lie, so believe them. Adjust your expectations to a place where you can be happy. If that means letting them know when kid events are happening in case they want to come, do it. If that means not initiating any plans until they do, do that.

I know it's cliche, but you can only control yourself. Yes, I'd be hurt, but I'd focus on managing myself and not trying to force a conversation about feelings on people who are likely to reject it.

[gretchenindisguise]

For my parents, that phase of retirement lasted 3-5 years. They got it out of their system and then settled down to where we see them more and they are traveling less.