Would you ever allow an Adult Child's GF/BF move in?

[mcsangel2]

Oct 11, 2024 12:53:03 GMT -5 felicity said:

ETA: and looking at this another way, I don't think anyone should move in with a SO just because they need place to live. I think couples should move in together because they're ready for that step, not because they need a bed to sleep in. 

This is how I feel about it, however, given the shitshow that housing has become in this country, I would allow it "temporarily". I might or might not impose a hard end date, but I would have a sit down and emphasize why I think this is not an ideal situation for them (they weren't already planning to live together, OP's daughter is going to leaving for 4 year school anyway) - but I would also acknowledge that if they think this is a better situation for the gf and less likely for her to wind up homeless, I would do it.

[Deleted]

I don’t have an older kid, but I don’t think it would matter to me if it was a BF/GF or simply a friend. If I had space for everyone to have their own sleeping arrangement (eta: whether they chose to use it or not) and their own area to retreat to, I’d consider it. Especially if the alternative was an unsafe situation. But everyone would need to be aware of boundaries, and I’d want to have a good long talk with both about what happens if there are arguments, a break-up, etc.

[heyyounotyouyou]

Oct 11, 2024 12:53:03 GMT -5 felicity said:

ETA: and looking at this another way, I don't think anyone should move in with a SO just because they need place to live. I think couples should move in together because they're ready for that step, not because they need a bed to sleep in. 

This seems like an awfully privileged thing to say given the cost of rent these days. I’d also rather live with an SO than a stranger that I found on the internet* (not everyone has friends they can live with). 

*have done, don’t recommend. 

[expectantsteelerfan]

I think I'm in the camp of 'would allow it temporarily.' I don't think I would need an end date confirmed because it sounds like they really don't have any other options right now, but I would ask them how they would plan to FIND other options while staying with you. And if the end of the next semester was approaching and they hadn't made progress, I would tell them they had to by x date.
Of course, that opens the door to you having to 'kick them out' before they might be ready or your dd wants them to leave, which could lead to hard feelings, but I'd discuss that ahead of time with them in terms of setting expectations.

I lived with my boyfriend (now dh) in his apartment at college that his parents paid for over the summer between junior and senior year of college.  We wanted to stay together, he wanted to stay in college town for the summer, and I couldn't afford to even sublet a room in the same complex (I did work that summer, but the money was going towards my expenses for senior year of college).  We never told his parents and I honestly think they'd still be upset about it if we told them now, but they are super Catholic.  We did also live together when we were engaged (and paying for our own place), and they didn't like that but they learned to live with it.

[jlt19]

My cousin let her son’s gf move in right after HS (maybe during?). Her mom died young, and her Dad remarried and had a baby, so she was basically treated like shit.

I think had they broken up, the family would have preferred to keep her, lol. But they’re now married with a baby (and home) of their own, so it worked out well.

[mofongo]

Oct 11, 2024 16:37:30 GMT -5 heyyounotyouyou said:

Oct 11, 2024 12:53:03 GMT -5 felicity said:

ETA: and looking at this another way, I don't think anyone should move in with a SO just because they need place to live. I think couples should move in together because they're ready for that step, not because they need a bed to sleep in. 

This seems like an awfully privileged thing to say given the cost of rent these days. I’d also rather live with an SO than a stranger that I found on the internet* (not everyone has friends they can live with). 

*have done, don’t recommend. 

I don't think it's privileged to consider that, it's a valid conversation to have.

[katb]

Thank you for the input - gives me things to think about. To be clear, I don't believe the GF would be unsafe at her family home - it would just be uncomfortable at the least - it's a multi generational house at the moment - 3 BR home with 4 adults and 2 children - different ages, different relationships, not partnerships. I told my DH about the GF being w/o a place to live and even before I could get out that DD asked if she could move in with us, he said she (GF) should stay with us. I still have hesitations and we will discuss. Right now, both are going to a CC (my DD was at a 4 yr school last year but it wasn't the right fit for various reasons) so no student housing and if you are familiar with the DMV area - 1 br apartments are over $1600++. She would need to find roommates and split a townhouse/apartment farther away - which is still a reasonable scenario. We do have the room - I have an extra bedroom if they don't want to share or just to offer space. My biggest worry is what happens if they break up and they both have the space they need.

[livinitup]

I was going to ask if you had a guest room. That would be my preference. For all involved, including her. I think if you are offering housing to a young adult, the best case senerio is to offer them a bed and a room.


They both study and work? I think having GF having their own space solves a few of your worries about “what if they need space, argue”. Your DD is already going to have a huge advantage in their dynamic as being the one who’s home it is. Not to mention it’s her whole family supporting them. Adding their childhood bedroom is a lot. If you know and like and think she can fold into your family well, offering a bedroom is a nice way to offer her housing. (Of course they may choose to sleep over in each other’s room, but that’s not housing.)

ETA: I had a 17 yo as a foreign exchange student from March -June. She was marvelous and I volunteered our home/guest bedroom. She’s the same age as my DD and they were friends. My DD asked me (& H) to host bc she knew the girl from school and she needed a 3rd placement as part of the program. As easy as she was to be in our home & stating the obvious that she wasn’t my DD’s responsibility, it wasn’t nothing to add another person, a young person, into the home.

[rhian]

How long have they been dating? If they had the resources, would they be considering living together at this point?

Do you use the extra bedroom for anything else right now? Could you offer her girlfriend that bedroom, so that they have some space from each other when needed (with the understanding that you're fine with them sleeping in each other's rooms)?

[sadlebred]

I'd put a stipulation in saying that if they break up, GF has a certain time frame to move out. Make it nice but not months upon months. Maybe 4 week. She does have somewhere to go with a roof over her head even if it wouldn't be comfortable. College students have done worse....

[jennistarr1]

my parents did this was several of my sisters boyfriends, honestly it still bugs me. It wasn't a big house, my bedroom only had room for a single bed. Suddenly these guys got the WHOLE basement, which is the space I was allowed with my friends, where I could use the computer to do homework, like they had a huge TV and suddenly I could only use the one in the living room. It sucked and noone cared about my feelings about it

[krystee]

I would do a 30-day stay to allow them to find a new arrangement with roommates or save up for a deposit, but not a long-term thing. 60 days max. I feel like living together would put a lot of pressure on them to stay together even if things weren’t going well because breaking up means losing housing.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Oct 11, 2024 21:07:13 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

my parents did this was several of my sisters boyfriends, honestly it still bugs me. It wasn't a big house, my bedroom only had room for a single bed. Suddenly these guys got the WHOLE basement, which is the space I was allowed with my friends, where I could use the computer to do homework, like they had a huge TV and suddenly I could only use the one in the living room. It sucked and noone cared about my feelings about it

Wow, that sounds really unfair.

OP, I don't remember if you said already, do you have other kids living at home at this point?  If so, I think taking their wants/feelings into consideration is a valid point.

[mcppalmbeach]

I think people bring up a lot of valid points and it’s not an easy answer, especially if there are other kids in the home. Living with someone puts a lot of pressure on a relationship that they may or may not be ready for when the situation is “needs a home” as opposed to “wants to live together.” I would definitely need a plan for a possible break up or what do do if your daughter wants to go elsewhere…although at least it sounds like this gf has a place to go even if it’s not ideal.

My h and I dated in college far-ish from where both of us lived. After we graduated and figured out we wanted to stay together and I preferred to stay in my area, he lived with my parents and I for a short time while he (and I) job hunted and saved a little money. It wasn’t great for any of us.

[hermione]

I’d try to help her find another solution. Someone else in town must be renting out a room or need a new roommate.

[raleighnc]

I would allow it, but I would put a time limit on it because I wouldn't want my DD to subconsciously change her plans to transfer because of the happy endorphins from having her GF around all the time in an artificially "easy" environment (since it sounds like they haven't been financially or emotionally ready to live together on their own). Having a serious relationship obviously will impact her decision anyway, but it will probably be weird for her to think about moving on while her GF continues to lives in your house. Is the GF finishing CC this year too? Does she have plans for next year? Finding new roommates and new housing sucks, but it's unfortunately something she's going to have to keep doing. I also feel like once you step back from the shared housing arena for a while, it gets harder to network and find new roommates. I agree with pp that letting her stay temporarily and helping her find new roommates or a new rental would be a much better option.

[katb]

Oct 12, 2024 6:47:40 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Oct 11, 2024 21:07:13 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

my parents did this was several of my sisters boyfriends, honestly it still bugs me. It wasn't a big house, my bedroom only had room for a single bed. Suddenly these guys got the WHOLE basement, which is the space I was allowed with my friends, where I could use the computer to do homework, like they had a huge TV and suddenly I could only use the one in the living room. It sucked and noone cared about my feelings about it

Wow, that sounds really unfair.

OP, I don't remember if you said already, do you have other kids living at home at this point?  If so, I think taking their wants/feelings into consideration is a valid point.

I do have a DS, 16.  He would maintain his own room and he basically lives in the "play room" which is his video game room in the basement.  The kids do share a bathroom so that would need to be considered.  We actually have a half bath that we have never used that could be fixed - the toilet needs something - a pipe, not sure - but it's a tiny wash closet that was here when I bought the house over 20 years ago -think tiny tiny closet that someone threw a toilet in.  On school breaks, I have another DD who will be home (winter break, spring break and then for the summer).  It would def be overcrowded in the summer just because 4 big kids trying to share a bathroom would be a challenge.   But I will say, everyone does get along and they actively hang out/make plans together when all the kids are home (well for the most part for the sisters,lol) .  

The girls have been together almost 2 years.  

[brooklyn]

My parents have a two bedroom apartment, so no room to let me or partners live there as an adult. They did help subsidize me renting my own apartment with my boyfriend, giving us between $1-$2k a month since nyc real estate is brutal. I’d be open to doing similar for my kids. I think space away from parents is important.

[SusanBAnthony]

I wouldn’t for several reasons.

1. She has a safe place to live. It isnt comfortable but she's in college. She'll be motivated to find new roomates and she can stay over at your house on an agreed upon frequency.
2. You have another kid at home who has to share space. Hanging out socially =/= living together.
3. I don't think very young adults who werent otherwise planning to live together, and who have a big life change coming up, should live together because of circumstances like these.
4. All of the above I could possibly be convinced otherwise depending on details of the situation and the people. But ultimately for me personally its a hard no because I'm an introvert and I value my personal space in my home very highly, and I don't want anyone moving in under basically any circumstances.

The thought of having to be on my best behavior in my own home is a nope. My parents had my college aged cousins live with them for a few summers and they wanted to tear their hair out every time even though my cousins are generally good kids.

[livinitup]

I came back to add this ~

If you do offer her housing or to move in or however you put it, you should really consider asking her to sign a lease. It’s only fair to her and to you to have a real agreement with a start and end date that is legally enforceable. As adults, it’s not a bad thing to model what she should expect from big decisions like housing.

You don’t have to charge her much or anything at all, but that should be in The lease agreement.

Since she is a college student, you could make your home available “per semester” with the expectation that she live with family on holidays and breaks, so it’s more about supporting her though school/studies and less about an open ended thing. Others have pointed out that she does have options, but it does sound tough for studying. You could allow her to store her stuff at your place or ask her to pack-up.

There is lots to consider and a lease agreement really outlines it well. At least better than not doing it at all.

[googled]

My parents let my HS boyfriend (who I later married) move in for a few weeks so he’d have a place to live before graduating HS and going to bootcamp. When he finished training and was in the reserves + college he also lived with them for a bit (while I was away for my own college stuff). My dad was iffy on it but my mom talked him into it because my grandmother (her mom) was a foster mom to like 45 kids over the years, and my dad was an orphan. She was basically like “what if no one stepped up for you when you needed it?”

That said, this was obviously a special circumstance, and like others have said, it probably would greatly depend on the situation, the kids involved, etc.

[googled]

I’ll also add this - “saving” my boyfriend from his situation brought us very, very close together and made the relationship much more serious. I was a very codependent kid due to family dynamics. Once he moved in, I started rethinking where I wanted to go to college, etc.

Unless your daughter is very, very independent, not in any way a people pleaser, etc I would not let the GF move in. Your daughter has big plans for her future now, and in my experience, letting her GF move in could be something that weighs on her as she makes her decisions moving forward. I know that I was always worried about where my BF would go if I did X vs. Y, for instance. I loved my late husband, but I can’t pretend like a didn’t make a lot of decisions that I now regret because I was worried about him more than myself.

[waverly]

As the younger sister where this happened I would lean towards no.

My BIL was mostly fine ish while he lived there but it was MY house and there were a few instances where I was made to feel uncomfortable and honestly I moved out because of it. I was going away to college but I decided not to live at home for reasons including both him and my mom.