Would you ever allow an Adult Child's GF/BF move in?

[katb]

Do you think you would ever allow an Adult Child (let's say college age) significant other move into your home?   What circumstances would you allow or not allow it?  What rules/understandings would you put in place?

[Jalapeñomel]

I feel like this has so much nuance, I couldn't possibly say yes or no.

[cville]

Oct 11, 2024 12:11:12 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I feel like this has so much nuance, I couldn't possibly say yes or no.

Unless they ever voted for Trump, McConnell, or L Graham (or MTG, or or or). Then it's a hard no. And also probably an intervention to get my kid to drop that jerk.

[rosiebear]

Living this right now. My daughter’s college boyfriend lived with us all last summer and is here again for a month. They pretty much lived together when away at school, they’re good together, and I have no moral issues with premarital sex, so 🤷‍♀️

That’s not to say it’s not still weird, lol.

[katb]

It's not the premarital sex and we have the space. I worry about what happens if they don't get along, get into an argument, where is the "safe" space for each partner. What ramifications am I not thinking about and what expectations should I have - I think I would just have the same expectations of any of my own children. I do feel bad - this "kid" is losing their housing due to roommates moving on and the family has no room for them - she would have to sleep on a floor in a very crowded house. She is at our house at least once a week and is respectful and is considered part of the family when we have dinner, vacations and holidays. Again, I am just torn because I feel this is a big adult move and not sure

[mags]

It would totally depend on the reason.

[klee23]

katb

Not to be obtuse by why would she have to sleep on the floor? Are you not okay with them sharing a bed? Or does your child only have a twin size and wouldn't fit comfortably long term?

I guess in this situation- I would wonder how long term the arrangement would last. Indefinite, not likely. But to get her time (few months?) to find a reasonable alternative, possibly. Is she in college or a college town that could find a 1 bedroom or studio apt within reason?

[followyourarrow]

It would depend on circumstances. There would need to be an exit date, house rules and boundaries.

[ssmjlm]

Too many factors to say yes or no.

[katb]

Oct 11, 2024 12:35:37 GMT -5 klee23 said:

katb

Not to be obtuse by why would she have to sleep on the floor? Are you not okay with them sharing a bed? Or does your child only have a twin size and wouldn't fit comfortably long term?

I guess in this situation- I would wonder how long term the arrangement would last. Indefinite, not likely. But to get her time (few months?) to find a reasonable alternative, possibly. Is she in college or a college town that could find a 1 bedroom or studio apt within reason?

No she would have to sleep on the floor if she moved back in with family - sorry if I wasn't clear.  She would stay with my daughter (her GF) room for the most part.  The kids have their own bathroom so it wouldn't affect me there but would affect my DS  (16).


ETA - they are all college students and work mostly full time.  The length of time is a good thing to consider.  My DD who is the girlfriend is planning to transfer to a 4 yr college next fall - possibly even OOS with  her sister.  All things they need to consider.

[leahcar]

My adult children are newborn adults (18 and 19) and so are their boyfriends. So I'm a firm no at this moment in time If I've learned anything in parenting though, it's never say never. So who knows what the future has in store.

[CrazyLucky]

Oct 11, 2024 12:35:37 GMT -5 klee23 said:

katb

Not to be obtuse by why would she have to sleep on the floor? Are you not okay with them sharing a bed? Or does your child only have a twin size and wouldn't fit comfortably long term?

I guess in this situation- I would wonder how long term the arrangement would last. Indefinite, not likely. But to get her time (few months?) to find a reasonable alternative, possibly. Is she in college or a college town that could find a 1 bedroom or studio apt within reason?

I think OP is saying if she doesn't let the gf move in, THEN the gf will be stuck on a floor somewhere else.

I would be ok with an adult significant other.  My sister let my nephew's gf move in when they were in 10th grade and I wasn't too surprised when she got pregnant.  So I would be a hard sell for younger than college.

[sadlebred]

Oct 11, 2024 12:35:37 GMT -5 klee23 said:

katb

Not to be obtuse by why would she have to sleep on the floor? Are you not okay with them sharing a bed? Or does your child only have a twin size and wouldn't fit comfortably long term?

I guess in this situation- I would wonder how long term the arrangement would last. Indefinite, not likely. But to get her time (few months?) to find a reasonable alternative, possibly. Is she in college or a college town that could find a 1 bedroom or studio apt within reason?

I read this as the GF's family has no room for the GF....not katb,. Is this correct?

In this case it might be the kind thing to do to allow her to stay with you for a few months with a specific time frame for her to get other lodging. It might allow her time to save up money or get a job if she doesn't have one.

[felicity]

Hmm, offhand I'm going to say I don't think I'd allow my college aged kid to have a live in SO in my house, even if it's for a relatively short period of time. They're still kids to me if I'm supporting them, even if they are technically adults, and I think college aged is too young for the seriousness and intensity of a live in BF/GF. They have the rest of their lives for that. It's unfortunate for the GF, but it's a lot to ask of you and your family. Mine are still younger though so I might feel differently when they are older.

ETA: and looking at this another way, I don't think anyone should move in with a SO just because they need place to live. I think couples should move in together because they're ready for that step, not because they need a bed to sleep in. 

[heyyounotyouyou]

My college boyfriend and I lived with my parents for about a year. We had been living together for a couple of years by then (out of state) but I was ready to move back home so we moved in with my parents while I finished college and he worked full time. We ended up breaking up during that time (nothing to do with living arrangement) and he moved out and then I eventually moved out with my sister. Both my parents and I still talk to said boyfriend, 20+ years later.

It was a 3 bedroom\2 bath (1500 sq feet house) and my sister lived at home during the time too so it wasn’t a big house either.

eta: I should add it was so nice knowing I always had a home to return too and that didn’t mean I’d have to live apart from my boyfriend. We honestly probably wouldn’t have moved back if it wasn’t for my parents open house policy. We did pay rent but I think we paid something ridiculous like $200 month. 

[maudefindlay]

Is this short term till she finds a place/there is a move out date or is this long term? I'd want an end date.

[sdlaura]

My main concern would be what a PP said about what if things go south or someone needs some space - having your living space depend on your relationship at that age can get complicated.

I think given what you've described - nice person, seemingly stable relationship, tough spot for the SO in terms of living situation and it being temporary/having an expiration date, I'd be OK with it.

[heygrey]

If I were to say yes, and that is a big if, it would need to have an end date. I think I would need solid proof of the end date as well, like the partner is moving away in 3 months and those arrangements are already confirmed. I would not want to get into a situation where I agree to a timeframe with the expectation that they will look for alternate housing options, but either they don't put in the work, or the other arrangement falls through and then I would be the bad person for enforcing our original agreement.

[cjcouple]

Probably not.

If it was temporary thing for a gap in leases or a big move and there was a preset move out date/solid plan. Maybe. Not just a "well, we want to save money and eventually move..."

there's a lot of grey though. I'd need to know exactly circumstances to say yes or no for sure.

[ellipses84]

I would temporarily if I got along with them and thought they were a good partner who would be a good house mate but I’m very much a more the merrier type person. However, we’ve realized DH does not do well with prolonged visits from family or roommates outside of our immediate family so I doubt he’d be on board. With my family and most of his family it never bothered me, but they usually drove him crazy after a while.

[mccallister84]

My kids are 6 and 7 so we are a long way off but I’m a no on this. Honestly, I don’t even want them cohabitating before they are engaged (and it’s not a sex thing). I just think it becomes even more difficult to remove yourself from a relationship that should be ended if one or both of the parties have to find a new place to live.

(I recognize that if my children are adults and choose to rent an apartment with their SO that is none of my business and I don’t get a say).

[wanderingback]

I can’t imagine we’ll ever live in a big enough house that it would be comfortable enough to have 4 grown adults living here full time, so in my specific circumstances it would be a no if this wouldn’t be a temporary (like a week or few weeks situation).

If they could have their own space in my home then I probably wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t going to be forever. I think that if they were planning to move in together it doesn’t matter so much that it would be in my house. Of course I would have house rules but I think it can be part of their growing up on how to figure out how to manage a relationship that progresses to living together.

[circa1978]

I don't see that happening. It's more likely that we would help pay for DS's apartment if he happened to live with someone. But he's 13 and has no interest in anyone so who knows.

ETA: With your details, if it was temporary and they had no one safe to live with, I think yes with an end date. But college is a generally a fairly easy time to find roommates so I would want to be focused on her finding a sustainable, permanent solution. University housing may also be available.

[katiecj6]

Probably not. I like my space and not sure I want to share in that way. I suppose if we lived in a place that was big enough, I would consider it.

But I would have to see maturity in the relationship. My current ss (15) has very dramatic teen relationship as if he's trying to recreate Netflix shows, and I wouldn't be able to handle that in my house day to day.

So hopefully that would change by then.

[mommyatty]

In this particular case I probably would, with the understanding that she’s basically couch surfing while looking for new roommates. That this isn’t a long-term solution but is a stop-gap measure while she figures things out. And I would want an end-date like “When the new semester starts, you need to have made arrangements with new roommates or have called student housing.”

[penguingrrl]

In normal circumstances I would probably say that if you’re mature enough to live together you’re mature enough to be independent. However, in that particular circumstance I would allow it. It sounds like a stable relationship and the kid has struggles at home. If it was a non relationship friend I would also open my home to them in that situation (and regardless they would be sharing a room since we already have shared bedrooms and no spare/guest room).

[sonrisa]

That's a tough spot. I foresee possible tension or drama as it nears time for your daughter to leave for her 4 year college. I'd want a shorter time frame than that.

Can she move back in with family, living on their floor, with a tacit understanding she can stay over more like 3-4 nights a week? That way if things sour she isn't also losing her housing.

[tiki]

My high school boyfriend lived with my family for a couple of months the summer after hs graduation, and later I lived at a college boyfriend's parents' house (with all my stuff in boxes in the garage) over a summer until my next lease started. Young people end up in challenging living situations all the time. As long as the host family has space and doesn't mind a long-term guest, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

ETA: both relationships broke up within months afterward, lol.

2nd ETA as more details come back to me: In the college situation, I was originally going to stay with a female roommate's family.  At the last minute her dad decided he valued being able to walk around his house naked, and wouldn't be able to do that with a non-family member present. 

[mofongo]

Can they rent an apt?
Is on campus housing an option?

What happened that her family doesn't have room for her?

[sandandsea]

If it were a serious, safe, good relationship and the alternative was a dangerous situation I would allow it but wouldn’t let them share a bedroom until they were married and legally committed to each other.