AITA - TW Death of parent and @

[gottadobe]

PDQ - I may delete details

The AITA part - I messaged his SIL and requested to know the cause of death.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Hugs ....  

I went through something similar with my daughter's father (my xh). His brother called me to let me know that the coroner had contacted him as my xh's next of kin. My xh and daughter hadn't seen each other in 8y (I had a no-contact restraining order in place that covered both of us). Nonetheless, I told my DD that her dad has passed. Even though they had zero relationship, she held out hope that they would someday and it hit her hard that it would never happen. 

I also have similar medical history questions but they're compounded by the fact that my xh never knew who his father was. While we have his mom's family's medical history, we don't have his dad's which is problematic. 

[ellipses84]

NTA, but I would tell your DS right away. Considering you still have financial ties, it’s not beyond the realm of reasonableness that you would have been notified without searching, or searched if payments stopped. IDK what happens now with arrears - Do death benefits to his current spouse go to the arrears?

Also, tons of people even in situations like this do not have wills, so your son could technically be entitled to part of his father’s estate if that is the case. Like if he is the only bio child, in some states the estate would be split 50-50 between the spouse and the child if there is no will (and that would be a reason they would not want to notify him). Now there may be no assets or he may not want to pursue anything, but that really should be his decision as an adult child. I would not push anything, just give him the info and offer your help/ advice if he wants it.

[shopgirl07]

Tell him right away. He deserves to know. My son hasn’t talked to his Dad in years, but I would absolutely share any info I had with him.

[maudefindlay]

I think you should go ahead and tell your DS now. I would not contact the family again about this. You could call the county records department where your ex lived and ask if you are able to access his death certificate. That should have cod on it. You could do the same for the grandfather. Your ability to access them will vary by location. I would try to contact someone though re his estate and getting paid out what you are owed if there is any money to pay you.

[fernweh]

Speaking as a non-parent but you should tell DS asap. If you wait and he finds out you knew there may be some resentment. Be honest with the fact that you don’t know the cause of death because the obit didn’t specify.

[Susie]

If your DS is named in the obituary, it will come up if/when he ever googles himself and you never want that to be how he finds out.  So I would not waste any time in telling him.  He should know sooner than later.

The rest of your questions I'm less sure about, but definitely don't wait on resolving them before telling him that his father has died.

[klee23]

Re: AITA

I'm going to ride the fence here. I'm not going to call you an asshole for requesting information that is important for your child to have. However, the timing might be a little too fresh for your SIL (especially if she was his sister vs his brother's wife). It's been barely 30 days and I'm sure they are grieving the loss - even if he was a jackass to you doesn't mean they aren't hurting. Depending on how you phrased your message I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get a response unfortunately.

Are death certificates public record in his town by any chance? While it may not give you full info it would at least list primary cause of death and contributing comorbidities (respiratory failure secondary to lung cancer for example)

[mokes]

I'm so sorry, that's sounds really difficult and sad. I would also tell him right away. I would worry that someone from your ex's family, for some reason, reaches out to him and it comes to light that you knew.

In fact, if he wants insights for his own future health, maybe that request would be better received coming from him? I also don't know how it works but could he request records from his dad's doctor/hospital if he could figure out where he was treated?

I can't really understand people who don't think a parent should be responsible to support their child. That's just so wild to me.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 16, 2024 14:53:35 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I think you should go ahead and tell your DS now. I would not contact the family again about this. You could call the county records department where your ex lived and ask if you are able to access his death certificate. That should have cod on it. You could do the same for the grandfather. Your ability to access them will vary by location. I would try to contact someone though re his estate and getting paid out what you are owed if there is any money to pay you.

Ask for an "informational" death certificate. It will include the COD but not any personal information. Informational death certificates are fairly easy to obtain. 

[mofongo]

I agree with telling him asap, and with letting him reach out to his dad’s family if he wants more medical information. He’s an adult now. Cause of death may be helpful, but many times it isn’t. And I’m sorry, this is definitely an emotion packed situation.

You’re not the AH, but probably not the best move to message his family, especially so soon. But again, emotionally charged situation.

[waverly]

I would tell your son now. As for the cause of death, I would just let him see the obit and slide show. I have inquired into these kinds of things in the past, and honestly it was super heartbreaking, so if he can surmise it was some kind of disease based on the slide show then I think that is enough closure.

As far as medical history, this family has been known to not communicate, so I guess just let it go. Would have been nice to have though.

[tacokick]

This is rough and I’m sorry you have to make this choice.

I would tell him. I think it’s very likely he will find out on his own and it would be odd imo to find out you knew and didn’t tell him.

I would see if an estate has been filed and is under probate. That would probably be found on the state or county where he died’s website. You can normally download a lot from that (maybe for a small fee) and get an idea if he had a will and maybe a copy etc without having to contact them.

If he didn’t have a will your son would probably be automatically a major beneficiary. The executor of the estate should reach out to him (another reason to tell him sooner than later) but there is little oversight on these things and if they say they made a good effort to contact him and couldn’t then that would likely be enough for the court to let the estate close. Normally there is a limit to when claims can be made and that clock starts ticking once the paperwork is filed.

As for the medical stuff, I think that would depend on if you ever had a relationship with this person and what legal stuff is going on. It’s nice to know your family medical history but a lot of people don’t for one reason or another and it is what it is.

[plutosmoon]

NTA for asking, he deserves to know his medical history. I'd tell your son asap, I would say something like I have received news that your father has passed away. I don't have many details at this time, but if you would like, we can try to find out additional information. No need to let him know you how you know.

My DD's father is absent due to mental illness, I check regularly to see if he is dead because he isn't living in a sustainable way right now. DD found some info on her dad googling her own name. Since your son is named in the obituary, he could easily find this if he happens to google himself, tell him as soon as possible so he can have your support when he finds out.

Sending you internet hugs as you navigate this.

[pierogigirl]

I would also tell him now. In NY, creditors have 7 months to ask the estate for payment. If he owed you money, I would think you could get it from the estate. It might be worth talking to an estate lawyer. If he died without a will, your son would likely inherit.

[penguingrrl]

I’m so sorry. I would tell him. My father and I hadn’t spoken in over 9 years when he died, and knowing he was gone helped me to move on and deal with the emotions of what our relationship had been. I didn’t end up going to services, his sister never even told me when they were, and I was fine with that, but it would be weird to find out he was long dead and nobody told me.

[suzyp]

I would tell him.

I have not had a relationship with my father since I was 13 (I'm 49). I fully expect my mother to tell me when he dies (my brother is my only silbing with a relationship with him so she'd likely find out that way but if not, she'd know through the grapevine somehow). It's complicated but he should definitely know if you do. I would be pretty upset with my mother if she knew and did not tell me.

[UMaineTeach]

Tell your kid as soon as you can.

Cause of death is a reasonable question, or at least a reasonable curiosity. It’s really what everyone is looking for in an obituary, but it’s rarely there.

Asking for medical records was over the line, even though it was years ago. Your son will have to live with an incomplete genetic history and take all necessary precautions to stay healthy.

[wildrice]

How weird that they would put him in the obituary. Like trying to claim he was a father when he was anything but... That's so shitty. I am sorry. I agree with telling him, and I hope that you both feel some peace knowing the end of his story.

[dexteroni]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and that he chose to abandon his son. I agree that it’s best to tell your DS now, and be up front. Something like “Hey… I have something to tell you. Yesterday something told me to Google your dad; I don’t know why, just one of those weird feelings. So I did, and well, I learned that he passed away last month. I don’t know what happened, but it sounds like it was an illness rather than something sudden. I reached out to his family to see if they’ll talk to me about it. I haven’t heard back and I don’t know if I will, but if I do of course I’ll let you know.” Maybe show him the obit and read it together. And then answer any further questions and check in with him later, because it will probably stay with him and dredge up some feelings. Do either of you have a therapist? This would be an occasion to seek their guidance IMO. Good luck. You sound like a good and caring mom.

ETA: Oh, as for your question - no, you’re NTA for trying to get medical history for your son. It’s been a month, so I think it was ok to ask. It’s not like it’s been a day or even a week.

[dexteroni]

Oct 16, 2024 18:17:23 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

Asking for medical records was over the line

I disagree; that would have been helpful info for the son to have and IMO it was ok to ask on his behalf. I doubt OP asked for every blood pressure and weight reading and the doctor's notes from every appointment her ex ever had; just a summary of things he might have passed on to his son.

[suzyp]

Oct 16, 2024 18:24:12 GMT -5 wildrice said:

How weird that they would put him in the obituary. Like trying to claim he was a father when he was anything but... That's so shitty. I am sorry. I agree with telling him, and I hope that you both feel some peace knowing the end of his story.

I am pretty confident that my siblings and I are included in the count of the grandchildren in my father's parents' obits. I had spoken to them since the 90s and they truly awful to us and my Mom. It's appalling. I fully expect someone to either name my sisters or claim my father had 4 children in his obit.  

[meganew]

Oct 16, 2024 18:17:23 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

Asking for medical records was over the line, even though it was years ago. Your son will have to live with an incomplete genetic history and take all necessary precautions to stay healthy.

This is a wild take. This man and his family abandoned his child, the least they can do is clue him in on some information he may need to qualify for early screeners or testing.

[livinitup]

You are NOT any sort of AH. Good people often wonder if they asked too much or too soon. Reflection is normal. I am not feeling particularly generous or protective of the feelings of people who ignored a living child/relative for years and then included his name in a public obit without even making a phone call or sending a written letter, really anything other than letting you and him stumble upon it.

Asking for a medical family history for your son is well within the bounds of appropriate. It’s been a month, not a day. Previous requests should not have been ignored.

I would not expect a death certificate to be available so soon. Or a determined cause of death. It may take a while for it to go through all the channels.

[gottadobe]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses and virtual hugs. They are truly appreciated.

Please know my intention was always to tell my son about his father's passing, I just didn't know if I should hope to wait for a cause of death before I shared the news. I had no idea it could possibly be listed on the death certificate, so I will let him know he can request those. That state has some limitations on who has access and requires proof of relationship. His G-father's from 2013 is available, but his father's is not available yet from what I can tell.

My question/contact was directed to his SIL (who has only just joined the family recently), I didn't contact any immediate family as I have never been successful with them. I didn't ask for medical records, just a cause of death. My requesting medical history 20 years ago was prompted by some medical dx that DS has experienced that I don't have and are not in my family's health history.  Every time I went to a Drs appointment, they would ask father's info and all I could do is shrug my shoulders and respond I didn't know.

Unfortunately, I won't see my DS until Thanksgiving. So, this will have to happen over the phone. I will still offer to read the obit with him if he prefers. I suspect he will act tough and then secretly look it up and read it on his own.

I very much appreciate the POV that his may help him move on. I'm also aware it could go the other way, unfortunately.

Thank you again for helping with a path forward. I was stuck.

[litskispeciality]

Oct 16, 2024 19:40:37 GMT -5 meganew said:

Oct 16, 2024 18:17:23 GMT -5 UMaineTeach said:

Asking for medical records was over the line, even though it was years ago. Your son will have to live with an incomplete genetic history and take all necessary precautions to stay healthy.

This is a wild take. This man and his family abandoned his child, the least they can do is clue him in on some information he may need to qualify for early screeners or testing.

OP I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure there are a LOT of emotions around this and it sounds like you're doing what you can to process in a healthy way. I'm going to agree that seeking out important information related to a family history is completely fair, especially if these people are listing the estranged son on an obit. They know he exists, the son should know of any potential risks. Based on your update OP it sounds like you're not trying to bother the family so soon after a loss and understand a true need for medical info vs. "how did they pass" that a lot of people search for in obits (which is disgusting). The only thing I'd suggest is not to push further right now if you don't get what you need. Give it more time so the family isn't so raw.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I'm mad at the family for listing the son in the obit but making no apparent efforts to contact the son if they care "so much" about him. If he's old enough he's probably got a social media or some kind of public record. Depending on age maybe they should have contacted OP (the mother) first and I'm good with that, but doesn't look like that happened either. 

*ETA I read the OP and thought the child/son was closer to 18. If the child was say 12 or 15 or something then certainly the mother should be contacted rather than doing a freaking google search.

[gottadobe]

Oct 17, 2024 12:19:42 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

Oct 16, 2024 19:40:37 GMT -5 meganew said:

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I'm mad at the family for listing the son in the obit but making no apparent efforts to contact the son if they care "so much" about him. If he's old enough he's probably got a social media or some kind of public record. Depending on age maybe they should have contacted OP (the mother) first and I'm good with that, but doesn't look like that happened either. 

You are correct.  His IG is the first to pop up if you search his full name.  He is early 20s.
I just assumed they'd contact me because they have never actually talked to him -  beyond cooing at him when he was first born. 

[wildrice]

As far as you being an asshole - absolutely not. I guess this SIL is innocent in this too, since she's new to the family, but otherwise screw all of these people. Even if they think you're out of line, so what. They are so far out of line for treating your son this way for the last 20+ years, not reaching out when he died, and then having the nerve to "claim" him in the obituary like he meant anything to them. I don't think their feelings deserve consideration here.