Update in post Vent- caring for aunt

[wesleycrusher]

I need to vent and if anyone has any advice or good thoughts I'd appreciate it.

My mom received a call 2 weeks ago that my 70 year old aunt (mother's brother's wife) had been psychiatrically hospitalized.  My mom's brother passed away last month, and it was her church pastor who found my mom's phone number to call.  My aunt and uncle had no children, she has no other family. There is me, my mom and sister- my mom is disabled and my sister helps care for her.  Aunt lives in NY and it's a 4.5 hour car ride from me, 5.5 hours from my mom. 

So last week I tell my mother that I will travel to figure out what is going on.  And it's a mess. My aunt's church are amazing people who have been trying to help her but are completely overwhelmed.  I find out she is delusional and paranoid. Adult protective services is involved along with code enforcement as the house is completely hoarded. She obviously has not been bathing, the church has been giving her food, I don't know if she was taking her medication.  

So I'm dropped into this situation- I have no POA, I have no idea what bills need to be paid, she has no where to live.  Her friends are trying to help me figure out who to go to for what....and then the hospital says they want to discharge her as homeless to a motel if she can't go home, despite APS advocating for her.  She is still delusional, will have no access to food, is now using a walker. I was floored. The hospital social worker has been completely useless. 

I work with APS Social worker who is so helpful (but bad timing as she went of the office the next day and is off work through Thursday!) and her church and we have found her a family home to go to (a woman who cares for people in her home- she has 4 beds there so it's small and homey). The home provides everything- meals, laundry, etc but no transpiration to anywhere. Her church has said they'd help her with transportation to medical appointments and church. But I have no idea how I am going to manage this from afar- coordinating appts, rides to places, etc. I am hoping her church will continue to do that a they said they would. And that this home is a good fit is the biggest barrier. They are willing to give it a chance with her diagnosis. Aunt is doing better- more talkative, can do more for herself without prompting, but still delusional/paranoid mostly about her (former) neighbors.  I go to pick up my aunt today from the hospital to get her to the care home and I'm staying this week, taking her to PCP, hopefully meeting with a lawyer to setup some type of POA and to start figuring this out. Transferring her home phone line so I get her calls on my phone, forwarding mail. Setting up mail order for meds? So many details.

But I don't have any more time off from work after this week- my co-workers and boss are amazing and understanding, but all my PTO was depleted last year when I had to take a 5 month leave from work due to a car accident- and I'm supposed to take off time from work for mom having surgery in December.  I can't get FMLA because aunt is not considered a close enough relation.  I have spent over $2000 between the two trips up to my aunt the last two weeks (rental car, hotel, food, gas, clothes for aunt, etc) plus am fronting the bill to even get her into the care home.

And to clean up her home- the estimate is $19,000 just for clean out, not any type of mold remediation or repairs. (No matter what she can't go back and live there anyway, but she keeps asking about it, and it has to be cleaned ASAP with winter coming and code enforcement involved.)  And I don't have the week off work to come when they clean it.

I'm trying not to panic but I am completely overwhelmed, honestly I wish I could back out of this situation but I don't see how without abandoning her as there is no one else. What would have happened if I didn't come up here??

  I just keep telling myself to take it one step at a time, we'll figure things out, I can't worry about the what ifs and just pray that everything works out with this care home. 

I am about to leave to pick her up, thanks for letting me get this all out. 

[rosiebear]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. This is overwhelming and it’s very unfair for it to be dropped in your lap. I know you feel you must do all of this, but it really is okay to say you cannot, and will not.

After talking with the helpful APS person, can you set some limits on what you can do, and leave the rest to social services?

[maudefindlay]

I'm so sorry, what a stressful situation for all of you. Would it be helpful to have her moved to a facility in your town? Would you want her that close?

[jinkies]

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this. You are doing a kind thing. Hopefully the home will be a good fit and the other pieces will start coming together.

I will only offer advice for the tiniest piece of this: But I have no idea how I am going to manage this from afar- coordinating appts, rides to places, etc.

There is a website called Lotsa Helping Hands that is specifically for this purpose: lotsahelpinghands.com/

The idea is that anyone who may be able to help, even just occasionally, can sign up to be part of her care community. Then if you need to coordinate a ride to a dr appt, or whatever, you post it to the site. It alerts everyone who signed up that there is a need; they sign up if they are available to help. It just creates a centralized spot to help, rather than you calling multiple people to make arrangements. I used to work for a nonprofit that dealt with a terminal illnesses, and we recommended it to families all the time.



I do agree with the post above though that if she has no other family in her area, that moving her to a facility close to you may be less stressful than trying to manage ongoing car from 5 hours away.

[aprilsails]

You deserve to vent! My goodness you've gotten a lot done and I'm sorry this is coming at great personal time and expense.

The distance is concerning. I would be speaking with the APS to see their recommendation for a POA, because it's not like you can be there in a couple of hours if anything were to happen.

Is there any value in the home? It's normal for people to be compensated for the time/money in these circumstances. Do you think you would be able to recoup your costs once the house is cleaned up and sold? I guess it depends on all her other financials.

What a mess. I'm so sorry.

[mrspez07]

When you talk to the lawyer, ask about what it would mean to take on the responsibility and if you would then be liable for things. I'm specifically thinking of the house. Could you just have it winterized and walk away? What is code enforcement noting are the violations? Maybe just address those and let the rest sit, or disengage from that piece entirely and let that go into foreclosure, etc.
number one thing is having her safe and housed. Everything else is secondary.

I'm sorry this has landed on you.

[hermione]

Can you sell the house as is? Obviously you (she) would take a loss but maybe it's worth it? I believe there are real estate agents who specialize in this sort of situation.

[waverly]

It sounds like this home doesn't provide this, but my dad's home provides all medical logistics and transportation. Now the transportation might not actually be provided by them, but they arrange it if that makes sense. He is a veteran, so he can get free transportation through the VA, but I know a lot of places have that through the township and other services. When my grandma was in a nursing home, they had the doctors come to the home, so that might be an option or some virtual visits facilitated by the home.

Our social worker at the VA hospital was also useless and also stated they could discharge to a homeless shelter (which were full) or a hotel. I am biased against social workers because we have had so many bad ones. Most of them were like here is a list figure it out, have a nice life with zero help. My dad's assisted living actually picked him up from the psych ward.

I have no idea on the house, but I guess I would start with the code violations. Like what happens if you don't clean it out?  I don't know that I would have an extra 19K lying around, and I am not technically allowed to get sale profits from the house, so maybe it can just go to auction? 

For the POA, the aunt would have to be considered in sound mind enough to sign the document. 

[janegold]

I'm sorry you've been thrust into all this. It sounds very stressful.

Do you have a sense of her financial situation and the value of her house (once brought up to code)? If feasible, I think my long-term goal would be to get her into more of a full-service place so that you can be more hands off. It doesn't sound realistic to expect you to jump into managing all of her day-to-day affairs indefinitely with no end date.

[mofongo]

Oct 21, 2024 15:22:20 GMT -5 waverly said:

It sounds like this home doesn't provide this, but my dad's home provides all medical logistics and transportation. Now the transportation might not actually be provided by them, but they arrange it if that makes sense. He is a veteran, so he can get free transportation through the VA, but I know a lot of places have that through the township and other services. When my grandma was in a nursing home, they had the doctors come to the home, so that might be an option or some virtual visits facilitated by the home.

Our social worker at the VA hospital was also useless and also stated they could discharge to a homeless shelter (which were full) or a hotel. I am biased against social workers because we have had so many bad ones. Most of them were like here is a list figure it out, have a nice life with zero help. My dad's assisted living actually picked him up from the psych ward.

I have no idea on the house, but I guess I would start with the code violations. Like what happens if you don't clean it out?  I don't know that I would have an extra 19K lying around, and I am not technically allowed to get sale profits from the house, so maybe it can just go to auction? 

For the POA, the aunt would have to be considered in sound mind enough to sign the document. 

You pay a lot of money to live in assisted living, so they provide more services. Hospital based social workers are limited, we cannot pick a place, we can’t do assisted living, it’s private. People often have a misconception of what social workers actually do, and can do, especially ones in hospitals. 

If there are medical reasons we can place in LTAC, SNF, rehab, we can set up home health and home IV antibiotics, outpt PT/OT, etc. We don’t have magical help for homeless people and have nothing to do with assisted living.

There may be community based social workers, who work for a fee, that can help, but you still have to pay for assisted living.

ETA: And I have d/c people to homeless shelters, where would you like for me to send them? These resources don’t exist. I have done general hospital SW in a very long time, and am in a niche where we don’t really see this type of thing, but even now, I’m amazed at what people think we can do.

[mofongo]

OP, I am SO sorry. You have done more than most people would have already. It’s ok if you’ve done what you can. It’s a bad situation. Would nursing home be an option? Custodial care.

[wesleycrusher]

UPDATE Thanks everyone for all the replies. I was panicking yesterday. We dropped her off at the family home and it is such a good fit (if only she lets it be!!). She is very sharp in some ways, but other ways she's just not with it.

I have been clear that the house isn't an option- needs to be cleaned, no furnace. All of her friends are reinforcing this too, and that she's been through so much now it's time to relax and heal. Even though I had told her we are going to the care home when I pulled in there was a moment of "this isn't my house!" from her. I picked her up for a PCP appt today and she looked good, the home had her shower and brushed her hair (who knows the last time it was done) and when I dropped her off, she said "I'm staying here now" so good sign.

I was able to pick up her mail from the post office, and go through that, so I have an even better idea of her financial situation and what bills need to be paid, we are going to go over them together tomorrow and I will speak to her about POA (I've been treading lightly since she's been paranoid). There is money there for her care which is what is frustrating about this situation. I do not think she has it together enough to think to use it.

Re: the house. I was told by her friend who is in real estate that there is value in the house. It's the worst house in a nice neighborhood. My plan would be to clean it out, see if there is any mold that needs remediated, and ultimately eventually sell it. She also has a car and mentioned driving, but that won't be happening either.

Re: SW at the hospital. I worked inpatient psych for many years, so trust me, I get what it's like. It was just the most abrupt meeting I have ever been in.

Re: moving her closer- it's in my back pocket, but she's grown up in this town her whole life. I think moving would not be the best step right now for her mental health.  

I found out there is a bus transportation service to help with medical appointments in the area, I could set it up but she would have to take the bus there and back on her own. For now, the friends are willing but it's something I can look into if needed.

I feel so much better today- that's she is in a safe, clean place and being cared for, and she seemed to have a good night. I know it's only been a day but it's positive so far. My number one fear is her trying to leave. As long as I know she's there, I can take it one step at a time to get everything else done.

[jlt19]

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position, but it’s so great that today has been productive and eased your anxiety. I hope it continues on this smooth path for you!

[aprilsails]

I'm so glad she settled in well her first night. I hope that continues to be a good solution for you both.

You're a rockstar.

[rosiebear]

That’s a very positive update! You’re a good person to do all this.

[mofongo]

wesleycrusher , In non-defense of social workers, whoever met with you should have at least had the time, empathy, and bedside manner to make you guys feel seen and heard. Sounds like there was no real conversation, or education, and that’s not fair to patients and families.

You did an amazing service for your aunt!

[hermione]

wesleycrusher, Great update. I hope things continue on this positive path.

[livinitup]

You said you are meeting with a lawyer for a POA. Would you consider someone local to be the POA and handle it from here on out? I know you said you just got dropped into this and live hours away, but maybe you met a trustworthy person? Yes, you are family but maybe someone else, a trusted friend, would take it on?

[jayhawkbecca]

If your aunt lives in a town with public transit, she would likely qualify for paratransit services that will help with transportation.