TW sensitive question

[lust2hart]

TW: miscarriage

I have a sensitive personal question for those who have suffered a miscarriage(s), if you're willing to engage with me. 

If you would, go back to that time and imagine that you have a new friend who expresses sympathy over your loss and invites you over for coffee/wine. You take her up on the offer and she tells you that she herself had a miscarriage a few years ago. I'm guessing that would be helpful, as miscarriage can be a very lonely experience. As you keep talking, you ask her what it was like for her, how she was able to move on, etc. If she told you that her pregnancy had been a surprise and that she was still coming to terms with it when she miscarried, and so she didn't have the same heartbreak that you've had - Would that be hurtful? Does the "I can't personally relate to your grief" message override the "You're not alone" message? Would it be better if she never even mentioned her own miscarriage and just expressed sympathy? 

Obviously, I'm the friend here. I had a miscarriage in 2011 and, honestly, my main emotion was relief. When I found out I was pregnant, I went on to my birth month board on the Bump and posted about how I was struggling with it, and a few women told me I needed to watch what I was saying (that I was not thrilled I'd gotten accidentally pregnant) because it was offensive to those on the board who had had a hard time getting pregnant. And, well, that has stuck with me. As I've had friends miscarry over the years, I've always been empathetic but have rarely shared that I, too, miscarried, because I don't want my vastly-different emotional experience from theirs to be even more isolating for them - like, here they thought they had found someone who gets it, but it turns out I don't. 

This has been on my mind as a new friend suffered a miscarriage last week. My DH was actually the one to find out from her, and, wanting to be kind to her, he offered to her that she could talk to me since I've had a miscarriage. And now I'm all up in my head about how the conversation might go. And wondering if I need to talk to my DH about not sharing that info in the future. Or, do you all think it would be okay for a conversation like what I've laid out above to happen? Basically I'm trying to figure out what is the kindest / most supportive thing to do. 

[7costanza]

It’s so kind of you to be considering this. I think everyone’s experience with miscarriage is so different that just being a friendly, empathetic presence will be helpful.

Ive had two miscarriages and had two different emotional responses, the first was also a surprise pregnancy I was just coming to terms with, but I was completely devastated when I lost it. The second, about 8 months later, I felt pretty indifferent about, even though we were trying at that point. With the first I felt a lot of comfort knowing other women had lost pregnancies too, regardless of circumstance.

[mommyatty]

My situation was very much like yours. I was very, very conflicted. So I think it would be kindest to say something like “Like every kind of grief, it’s different for everyone and it’s almost always complicated. So over the next weeks and months you might feel all kinds of things, sadness, anger, sometimes relief as odd as that may sound to you right now. And those are all valid emotions. So whatever you need to express, know that I am going to be here to listen with zero judgment because I’m sure I felt them all too in different ways.” I could have used that. I was surprised by the pregnancy and getting past my surprise. So then I had grief and sadness and profound sense of loss coupled with immense relief. The relief was the hardest part for me because then I just felt like an ogre who probably lost the baby because I was somehow emotionally stunted and morally bankrupt. None of those things were true. My feelings I know now were 100% normal. But they didn’t seem that way at the time because no one says those things out loud.

[dexteroni]

As someone who has had a MC, it did indeed help to hear from others who had them. It made me feel less alone in the experience. But I would leave out the part about being conflicted and relieved. Everyone’s different, of course, but you’re asking for opinions and that would have been hurtful to me at the time. Now many years later, it’s fine, but when the emotion was still raw; no. It’s very nice of you to think about this from your friend’s perspective and try to ensure you don’t say anything hurtful. You’re a good friend.

ETA: If she asks how you dealt with it, you can say something like well mine was a surprise pregnancy, so I didn’t have the anticipation like most people do, which I think made my experience a little different. But it’s still quite a turbulent time because it’s like oh wow I’m pregnant, this is huge. And then suddenly oh wait, no I’m not. It’s just such a roller coaster of emotional and physical changes. Then I would try to steer it back to her feelings and maybe standard stuff about grief, etc.

I would definitely tell my DH to stop volunteering me for stuff like this lol. He can tell you about it and youn a choose whether or not to reach out.

[Aloe Vera]

IMO, miscarriages are different for everybody. I miscarried at 6 weeks and the pregnancy was very much wanted. It happened twice in a row. It didn't affect me because it was so early and I know early miscarriages are common. Now, if it had happened at 8 weeks and beyond, that would have been a different story. Especially if I had an ultrasound done.

I think I would be in the same situation as you. I would express sympathy and be there for her if she needs it.

[kath16]

everyone's experiences will be a little bit different for sure. when i had mine, i was devastated, but if i had one now, i would be relieved, but i'm sure relief in that situation is a complicated feeling.

even back then, i appreciated hearing stories. i think there are ways to frame it that don't downplay what she's feeling - even keeping it high level like, "it was such a roller coaster" or "so many complicated feelings" probably would have been ok with me at that time, as long as the overall messaging is "i'm so sorry for your loss"

[waverly]

I agree you could share that you miscarried and say something like a variety of emotions. Just keep it general instead of focusing on relief.

I would definitely mention to your H if you don't want him sharing that information.

[followyourarrow]

I appreciated hearing that other women had losses too. I'd be generic about your particular feelings and probably emphasize that there are a variety of emotions that each person goes through and that no emotion is wrong. If you'd told me that you felt relief and that was the focus, I'd have been hurt.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Similar experience. I offer to be there and say its ok to grieve however you see fit and you will experience a range of emotions.

I very rarely offer up that I had a miscarriage. It was a very very unplanned pregnancy and when I miscarried, the sense of relief I felt was enormous. It's a very 'know your audience' thing.

[AdaraMarie]

I can't really speak to your original question but I agree it's probably always different. My pregnancy was also a surprise that initially freaked me out and the I had the MC right when I was starting to get excited about it and after I had told a few people. The main thing I felt was anger. I am also very close to situations where it would have been a relief so I can understand that too.

[picksthemusic]

TW - explanations/descriptions of my miscarriages ahead.

I've had 3 miscarriages.

One ectopic (so wasn't going to happen either way) but felt relief because DD was 4 months old at the time and we were NOT ready/wanting to have another pregnancy right then, especially since DD's birth was traumatic and we were still in 'recovery' mode from it. I was sad at the time regardless if it was a wanted pregnancy or not as I was still postpartum, but also so not ready to give my body up for another year right after having just done it. ETA: I was treated with methotrexate injections and was able to avoid surgery.

The second time was a very, VERY wanted pregnancy that just didn't progress and had a chromosomal abnormality that was incompatible with life. I ended up having a D&C because even though we waited 2 weeks, nothing happened on its own. And then the day of my D&C my body decided it was time and I almost hemorrhaged.

The third time was another chromosomal abnormality/no fetal pole/no heartbeat at first US. We were not trying, nor did I want to be pregnant again (DS was about 3-4ish). We'd been using condoms and DH hadn't gotten his vasectomy yet, and this was an 'oops'. I rode the fence about doing a medication abortion for a few weeks but ultimately decided to keep the pregnancy after talking it over with DH (who was absolutely supportive of my right to choose even though he was okay with us having another baby, FWIW). Then it ended on its own. I had retained fetal tissue after a medication abortion, and needed additional medication. If that hadn't worked, I would have needed a D&C again.

**end of descriptions**

So at the end of the day, I've experienced miscarriages in several ways, and had ALL the feelings. Grief, shock, sorrow, relief, regret, shame, guilt. The best support I got was from female family members and good friends who just listened and were there, and didn't try to offer any clichés or advice. I'd say just offer her an ear and a conversation if she wants it/needs it.

[Deleted]

I’ve had two miscarriages, and both were babies that we actively tried to conceive. I know several women who have miscarried when they weren’t actively trying, and a few who were actively trying not to get pregnant when they conceived unexpectedly. I would echo that no two miscarriages were the same, physically or emotionally, and that there were just as many similarities as differences between experiences. Some unplanned pregnancies end up very much wanted, and some unplanned pregnancies that end in miscarriages result in a feeling of relief (though still are emotionally and physically painful). Some planned pregnancies that end in miscarriage also result in a feeling of relief.

All this to say, if it were me, it wouldn’t matter if you pregnancy was unplanned or if you felt relieved that you miscarried, I’d be thankful that you shared your experience.

[Jalapeñomel]

I always think it’s best to recognize the grief, ask if they want to talk, and then leave it at that. If the friend wants to talk more, then let her know you’ve had one too.

I felt differently after every one, so sometimes I wanted to talk and other times I didn’t. After my 5th, I wanted to punch anyone who told me anything about their loss, because I was so fucking sad and wanted to wallow.

[sonrisa]

I found it comforting to learn others had suffered a miscarriage.

Something I sometimes say (that often surprises people) is I've found that most mothers experience a miscarriage at some point. And most women who miscarry become mothers at some point (if they so choose). At the time, miscarriage can feel like it's the opposite of motherhood when it's really a part of the process for so many.

[wanderingback]

I think a general "I’ve had a miscarriage before, so wanted to reach out" is a good place to start. That way you’re sharing that you had a miscarriage, but not projecting any feelings and they can lead how they feel.

As someone who has had an ectopic pregnancy and deals with people who have abortions and miscarriages on a daily basis the emotions are so different from person to person. I did not feeling sadness about my ectopic pregnancy, the entire process just sucked getting so much blood work and eventually 4 shots of methotrexate.

Everyone’s feelings are valid. I do think there is something about sharing ambivalence when talking about miscarriages and abortions that should be talked about more to reduce stigma, but that is up to each individual person to share if/when they’re able and the time is right.