Elementary aged kids & Loss of Grandparent-TW

[trytobearunner34]

My MIL has entered home hospice (aggressive cancer for which she is no longer seeking treatment).  The prognosis as of Friday was 30-60 days and now concerns have arisen that that time line was longer than she may actually have.  My seven year old will be traveling with her dad on Thursday so our daughter and grandmother can see one another.  For those who have been down this road what suggestions do you have for talking with our daughter prior to going and then in the days ahead.   Thank you in advance.

[Susie]

Elementary is a broad spectrum of understanding.  My two elementary kids are in K and 4th, and handled our dog's death 2 weeks ago very differently.  However, in both cases we started from the same script, that a part of her body was diseased/sick in a way that could not be fixed, and it stopped working.  We talked about her not feeling pain or scared anymore now that it was over.  They were able to see her, pet her, and say goodbye to her, to help make it more concrete for them.  We didn't really have advance notice that it was coming, but if we did, we would have talked about it similarly, in the context of giving some extra love and comfort and making memories with X because their body has a particular issue that the doctors can't fix, so they have limited time for their body to keep working.  Expect lots of questions about what death looks and feels like.  Expect they will suck terribly to answer out loud.  

At the K level, we had to speak in really blunt, physical terms, and he had questions about what happens with the body, how does cremation work, what will the ashes look like, will she wake up, will she come back, etc.  Everything was really matter of fact, and not really very much sadness in the moment.  Our dog died unexpectedly at 7:30am, and he was ready to go to school on time.  There were waves that came later, including a bad dream MOTN, but generally the effect was surprisingly limited.

At the 4th grade level, there was a lot more understanding and more sadness and tears.  She stayed home for the morning to process everything.  I don't remember many questions at all from her.  We let her say her goodbyes in her own time, and listen when she wants to talk about it.

[maudefindlay]

DD was 5, DS1 9, and DS2 was 7 when MIL went into hospice, she was at an inpatient facility. She was not conscious. We had the kids go right away to see her because we knew that's when she would look her best and like herself. MIL would have wanted that. We told the kids she may hear bits and pieces of what they said to her so say whatever they felt compelled to tell her, but she would feel all their love and that they could hold her hand and hug her if they wanted or not. They also knew that they did not have to go in her room when they arrived if they changed their mind. All 3 went in. 2 talked to her, one did not. They all wanted to leave after about 10 to 15 min. I know you said your MIL's is home hospice, so not as easy to leave, but maybe let her know she can go outside or some other place if it gets to be too much. If it's going to happen this quickly maybe this visit would be the only one. I am glad my kids were not there when MIL passed. It was calm and quiet, but she looked very different within 30 minutes and would not have wanted kids to see that.

[janegold]

I'm very sorry. We lost my FIL over the summer; my kids were 7 and almost 4. He had dementia and had been on home hospice for 8+ months by the time he died, so we had a lot more time to discuss it with our kids. ILs also live locally to us, so we spent a lot of time with him before he died and the kids were very used to seeing him in his hospital bed.

When we knew it was very close, we were there for hours each day that week and we were visiting when he passed. My were very open about why we were there, what was happening, what would happen. And at the same time, we tried to make our visits as pleasant as possible - the kids brought toys and games, we spent a lot of time outside playing, etc. We wanted to focus on not just the sad thing that was happening, but the importance of us all being together. The kids did really well - I don't think the 4 year old really "got it." I'm sure there were aspects of the experience that were upsetting for the 7 year old but he was okay.

[simpsongal]

Be honest, including about her physical state. I remember being scared by my great aunt’s decline and feeling like I didn’t want to be there. Be ready to talk about life and death - And your own feelings. I think these big moments are a time to build trust and let our kids see us as more than just their caretakers.

All this definitely depends on the kid. My ds is so thoughtful about such things, he expressed such big feelings and insights when my father died. He was 6. Dd was just under 4 and too young to get it.

[trytobearunner34]

Many thanks to you all for sharing your experiences. It is very helpful. Of course my likes are just in gratitude for your taking the time to share.

[jennistarr1]

So the concern that came up for me, and it really depends on what hospice looks like right now, is it's her and her dad and her dad is going to be there and will have a bit to-do list where as she may be wanting an escape or to be able to step away from it, and may not have that opportunity. Holy run on sentence and I'm not saying it well, but see if you can help her or the dad or another support person think through a different room she can be in, or a family member she can visit with, if this experience becomes too much for her.

[meanie]

Our kids were around 5 and 7 when their great grandmother passed, they were pretty close. They knew she was living somewhere else because she needed more help from doctors and nurses and we took them to visit her there a few times.

When the time came we told them that she had died because her body stopped working, that she had lived a very long life and we were so happy that she had been able to spend time with them. Obviously the 5 year old didn't get it but our 7 year old took it HARD. She would randomly cry for about a year, but she is a big feeling kid in general.

As others have said, honesty is the most important. Kids are very literal, so not making vague statements helps them understand and cope even if it feels uncomfortable to talk about death in such a frank way.

I will also mention that on the flip side, you will do them no favors by trying to protect them from what is going on. My parents kept me from visiting my grandmother in hospice and to this day I am sad that I didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye.

[hermione]

Be honest, direct, and answer her questions she asks.

I'd say, "Grandma is very sick and isn't going to get better. She is going to die. I know this is very sad but I am so happy you and daddy get to see her again and tell her how much you love her."

[mcppalmbeach]

Sending you all the love and good thoughts. My sons were 5 and 7 when my MIL passed and it was so hard.

Is there another person there who can watch your daughter if things get too much for her or if your husband would like to have some one on one time with his mom?

I would also ask MIL’s wishes for the visit. Is there something special she is well enough to do with your daughter? Any memories she would like to share? Have photos of the two of them? Maybe look at memory items that your daughter can make with her with handprints or something like that.

[CloudBee]

Be open and honest. Give promptings for questions they may not realize they have.

Allow for as much time with grandma, even if she doesn't look like herself. My son spent a lot of time with his head on his grandma's chest (MIL) while she was passing. He held her hand, ran fingers through her hair, and had his head on her chest through some of those later inconsistent breaths. It was all very therapeutic for him. The evening before she passed (hours later, overnight), he decided he was ready to go back home with his dad and head off to bed. We asked if he wanted us to wake him and bring him over for a final goodbye, all of us assuming she would pass overnight. (She was about a mile away in assisted living.) He declined, and said he wanted to be told in the morning. I spent the night with her as she passed, and it was a really horrible to leave her body alone there (with a nurse) while I drove home and switched places with DH, but we got through it.

FIL passed during Covid and only one family member was allowed in as he was actively passing. I was also on that shift. DS was shattered that he couldn't go in to visit during those final days. Having a strong say in how MIL's passing panned out was very healing for him.

I find that the more open we are with the details of what they will look like / how we expect the final days to be, the easier it is for DS to cope.

[formerlyak]

My youngest was 8 when my dad died two years ago. I agree honest and direct is best. I explained that the medicine for the cancer was no longer working and there wasn’t another medicine they could try, so grandpa was going to die and we needed to say goodbye. That conversation was very hard. I explained that we were going to their house and that he was sleeping in his room. He wasn’t going to get up and play or talk but we could sit there and talk to him and he would hear some of that and know we were there. I also told him it was his choice if he wanted to go in the room and talk to grandpa. On Saturday, he was scared but wanted to go in the room and tell him he loved him. Once he saw that it was a peaceful space he decided he wanted to see him again Sunday. My dad died that night.

Honestly it was better to give him the option. My brother died six weeks after my dad and it was quick and unexpected and the not getting to say goodbye made it more traumatic for both my then 8 year old and my then 16 year old.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I remember my dad taking us kids down to see his mom shortly before she entered hospice. Granted we were tweens/teens at the time but it was still a bit unsettling as we were incredibly close to her. We knew she had cancer, we knew she wasn't seeking treatment, we also knew this would eventually kill her (pancreatic cancer, early 1990's) but nonetheless, it was nice to see her and tell her we loved her and get our goodbyes in (she was in San Diego, we were in SF).

I also experienced what formerlyak did as well w the sudden and unexpected passing of my mom. It was super traumatic for both of us as we weren't able to say goodbye. That whole experience made it all the more important that we got our goodbyes in when my granpa/R's gpa the great took a turn for the worse and passed 2 days later after we had just seen him the previous month at his 100th bday.

[JayhawkGirl]

I’d be sure to explain it’s a different sick than what we have when we go to the doctor, and that there are special doctors who will take care of her, that she won’t be hurting or scared, and that it is ok to be sad or mad about it and to wish she could stay here living with us, but that her body is ready to be done working the way it does now.

[heygrey]

If you know what the set up is at her home for hospice care, explain that to her so she can anticipate the differences. If Grandma is mostly in bed or if she can still sit up in a chair and talk. Is there a bed in the living room? Is the space majorly rearranged? (I realize you may not have all the answers to these questions)

My grandfather died when my son was 8 and we visited my family in the final week of his life. My mom did a really good job of explaining what my grandparents' house looked like and how it had changed. There was a hospital bed and medical equipment in the living room, grandpa only stayed in the bed, slept a lot, and didn't talk much. This was a huge contrast to the strong, able farmer who drove tractors with DS the previous year. Knowing the differences to expect helped my son a lot. He knew great-grandpa was very sick and wouldn't get better, but had zero concept of what death actually looks like.

[trytobearunner34]

Update: Thank you all for your feedback, experiences and support. We told her Wednesday night and they went yesterday. It all went as well as could be expected. She is still processing and asking questions which is good. Thanks again!