Wednesday Letters

[mae0111]

Is it Wednesday? I think it's Wednesday...

[rere]

Dear Brother and SIL

I really want to come to my nieces wedding. I've never been up to visit, which I feel bad about. But between dad sick all those years, raising my kids,and your kids being here every summer, time slipped away.

But. Now you moved this last minute wedding to Wednesday. The week before Christmas. Ds is supposed to make the 10 hr drive home for Christmas the Sunday before. So he would be in limbo for 3 days of his leave or drive here and then he and I do a quick trip Tuesday to Thursday. However, this would put me out the cost of 2 flights, since he's not flush with cash and this is a very unexpected expense, a hotel, and rental car or many Uber. And he gets a 2 week Christmas leave. That would significantly cut into his time with Dh and Dd, not to mention friends.

Not to mention you are squeezing in a wedding between her graduation Saturday and you all leaving for a cruise Friday. I feel like if you really wanted us there it would be more convenient, yet she is leaving for the airforce to join her new husband which I get.

Signed, there is not a good solution for me.

Dear WP,

Any opinions or ideas would be welcomed.

[mae0111]

Dear WP -

WIBTA if I changed up our holiday plans?

I've shared a bit about DH's mess from a few weeks ago. We're starting to see the ramifications of his bad decisions. I'm doing OK, not great, mental health wise since all this happened. We typically go to DH's mom's for Thanksgiving, and stay local to celebrate with my family for Christmas. MIL lives about a 5-5.5 hour drive from us. I would have to drive for the whole ride, there and back, as well as for the entire time we're at MIL's house, because of DH's bad decisions. We will be surrounded by lots of drinking and Dh is trying not to do that.

After the past few weeks, I just... don't want to go.

We would also not go at Christmas. MIL doesn't enjoy Christmas since FIL passed away almost 10 years ago. She doesn't decorate and would be perfectly content to do nothing if BIL and SIL didn't drag her out every year. They're traveling for Christmas this year, and MIL refuses to come and visit us, so I'm already feeling guilty about not going there for Christmas...

AITA if I say no to Thanksgiving as well?

Signed,
Jerky DIL who is barely holding it together.

Dear School -

I love you guys, but could we have like a normal, 5-day week at some point soon? Last week was short, this week is short... lots of time off in November... let's get some learning done, shall we?

Signed,
I'm a lot less productive when I'm driving kids all over when they don't have school

[macmars45]

Dear DS,

Your dad & I know you are struggling with school academically and socially. Your teachers know. We are all here to support you. You can not hit anyone when frustrated. You can't. So cut it out! We have given you other options and your teachers are there to help you and give you time outside the classroom as needed.
You also don't get to decide to refuse to do work. If you are confused or frustrated ask for help. Your teachers and your dad & I will help you. Outright refusal isn't an option.

signed,
had a hard IEP meeting yesterday and still processing

[k3am]

mae0111 this your permission from a random internet friend to say no without feeling badly about it. The wellbeing of your little family unit takes precedent over the social needs of the larger family. I've had a hard time keeping up and knowing what YH's mess is, but based on this point, I think I do (but could be off base), and one of the FIRST things someone going through that is told to do is avoid situations that could lead to them falling back into bad decisions. Eventually he'll be in a position where he can do it again, but I think avoiding at this stage is the best decision.

[supertrooper1]

mae0111, does your H's family know about the latest issue? Would they agree to have a sober Thanksgiving? No, I don't think YTAH for requesting to stay home. He should be bending over backwards for you right now.

[mae0111]

supertrooper1, yes, they know the situation, and no, there is no way on earth that they would ever agree to a sober anything.

DH was with them last week when dealing with this mess he made... and they were drinking in front of him the whole time he was there.

[mae0111]

macmars45, I'm sorry your DS is struggling this year. I hope things calm down for all of you.

[k3am]

Oct 23, 2024 10:20:32 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

DH was with them last week when dealing with this mess he made... and they were drinking in front of him the whole time he was there.

In case you need more to support your decision, this is it. If they know exactly what's going on and can't host a dry event in order for him to attend, then they don't really care if your family attends. 

[k3am]

To be fair, if BIL suggested we host a dry event so he could attend and I had to deal with the whole day and my IL's, I'd also tell him no and we'd see him when they're in a better place. I know it sounds terrible, but so is a day with all my IL's being entirely dry. I don't even know that DH would stop to consider the request.

It wouldn't be anything to do with not caring about BIL and his family in general, but it would be about that fact we aren't the type to change an event for one that isn't central to it. (If BIL were hosting and asked it to be dry, we'd have a dry event. If it were a birthday party and BIL were guest of honor, sure)

[mae0111]

k3am, totally fair - and DH wouldn't ask them to have a dry event. But it's not a "few glasses of wine" Thanksgiving. It's typically a "start drinking Wednesday at noon and keep going until last man standing, rinse and repeat until we leave" Thanksgiving. That will be a difficult situation for him to be in. He insists that it's fine.

We'll see my family at Christmas, where usually folks have a glass of prosecco and maybe 1-2 glasses of wine (I'm a lightweight, so I'm usually one or the other or I'm hung over by dessert). No one will be drunk. Several people can't/don't drink for various reasons, all health-related, and no one will question or discuss why he's not drinking... because no one will notice what he's doing.

He'll be under scrutiny by those that don't know what's happening at Thanksgiving. His mom and brother know, but not his aunts/uncles/cousins.

[dglvrk2]

rere, what you explained in your letter to your sibling and in-law sounds very reasonable. Having a Christmas wedding sounds romantic, but many people have limited travel options this time of year.

Dear Girl Scout moms,
I'm *this* close to pulling DD2 from the troop. She really enjoys the activities and wants to participate in travel and leadership opportunities with girls scouts as she gets older. AND you always schedule meetings on early release school days. I can never attend because of my work schedule and feel I have to beg to get other moms to drive and supervise DD. I admit, I'm still carrying a grudge because of how you handled her misbehavior two years ago too.
Feeling butt hurt and frustrated,
Dglvrk2

[186momx]

mae0111 I also say you skip Thanksgiving due to your DH mess. I think your DH needs to man up and be the one to say "no". I suggest you go to your beach house instead and have turkey if you wish or something else all together.

Dear Dietican
I hope DDs food log helps you figure out why she still has limited energy by the end of the week.
Me

[librarychica]

dglvrk2,

As a frequent driver of other people’s children (I had 3 extra after drama last night), the other parents likely do not mind at all so long as you reciprocate as you can.

Library

Similarly, though,

Dear DD2,

While I love your enthusiasm this year and my schedule is flexible, it is flexible in a “plan ahead “ way, not a “wild day-of swings” day. So you might need to give up your early release PM club as it changes every five minutes. Also, love, if you truly want to be a girl who codes, one of the best devs you’ll ever meet lives here. Bring your friends on over and let dad show y’all how it’s done.

Love,
Frazzled Queen of the carpool

Dear Girls who Code sponsor,

The girls who’d like to code have moms that work. Please pick a schedule and stick to it. I’m so confused and now my afternoon is a mess!

Sincerely,
Still frazzled, still carpooling

[sdlaura]

mae0111 totally fine for you to prioritize what works for your immediate family for the holidays. DH and I have always done that (after being the part of the family to move 3,000 miles away) and have only spent two Christmases with family in the last decade+. Even not considering the changes resulting from your DH's recent situation, you would be fine to make that decision. Add that stress to it, and even more totally fine.

rere, I'd probably suck it up and go. Buy the plane tickets and pay for the travel for you and your DS, assuming it's not a major financial hardship and you'd just prefer to spend that money elsewhere. Because life is short, and there aren't that many opportunities to be with extended family. My oldest kid is 12 and my kids have never once been to a family wedding (because there haven't been any for decently close relatives since they were born in our small extended family), so I'd do it if I were you. As annoying as the short notice has been.

[sdlaura]

Dear DS3, I am SO sorry that the treatment for your molloscum bumps resulted in so much pain. We wouldn't have done anything if your school didn't start worrying about you spreading them to other kids. I really really hope you're able to have a relatively normal day at school today and are willing to start moving your arm again.
Signed, it is so sad to see a sweet little 4-year-old in pain

Dear DH, I'm so proud of you for taking DS1 and DS2 on your big Death Valley camping adventure. You have come SO far from when you were too stressed for me to leave all our kids with you for an hour when the kids were smaller. It hasn't quite turned out to be the relaxing/normal week for me that I had envisioned (see above letter), but the boys will remember this forever.

Dear DD, you know I really don't care about whether your sports teams win or lose. I was fine going to all your basketball games last year when your team lost by so much every game that the officials had to stop keeping score. But watching your middle school flag football team really come together and start winning over the last several weeks has been really cool, and I definitely took some satisfaction in your team's win last night - when you girls beat an undefeated team of older girls, and the opponents were not that gracious about it. It was especially fun that you've played softball with the star player of the opposing team and she clearly thinks she's a stronger athlete than you are.

[rere]

rere, I'd probably suck it up and go. Buy the plane tickets and pay for the travel for you and your DS, assuming it's not a major financial hardship and you'd just prefer to spend that money elsewhere. Because life is short, and there aren't that many opportunities to be with extended family. My oldest kid is 12 and my kids have never once been to a family wedding (because there haven't been any for decently close relatives since they were born in our small extended family), so I'd do it if I were you. As annoying as the short notice has been.[/quote]


If it was just me, I'd have less of a problem. It's the entire family missing out on a week together of the two weeks we have for the holidays. And what is Ds going to do alone on base, it's block leave,so everyone is leaving, from Saturday till Tuesday. Unless he drives 10 hours home Saturday or Sunday, to catch a plane Tuesday for the wedding and come back Thursday. While Dd is in the middle of finals and Dh is home due to lack of vacation since we weren't planning a December wedding.

[sdlaura]

rere it sounds like the best option would be to have him come home as planned and then fly together Tuesday? I totally wouldn't judge you for saying you're not going, but that still ends up being quality time for you and DS.

[mae0111]

sdlaura - DD2 and I are heading back to the derm to have her treated molluscum looked at tomorrow. She asked to get them removed and it was MISERABLE. Her knee and elbow look like they’re covered in road rash because they were covered. I asked her pedi about them months ago and she insisted it wasn’t molluscum and that it would go away… it spread and the derm was like WTF of course this is molluscum… it was a rough week after that treatment… I hope your DS3 is feeling better soon!!

[sdlaura]

mae0111 I'm sorry you're dealing with it, too! I really wish the dermatologist had warned us about the after effects of the removal.

[waverly]

Dear general public,

In the past week you have 1. Drove a car into the building 2. Had a car accident where 2 people rear ended each other pulling out of parking spaces. 3. Asked 7 million questions mostly about where to go for .... 4. Complained about a service incident that happened in the summer. Hey a little sooner would have been far more helpful. 5. Complained that a person took a paper out of their hand. Both of these people are general public- no employees.  6. Demanded answers and refused to take "We are not insurance agents" as the answer. 

It's day 3 y'all. Day 3. Keep.it.together.

Signed
My bingo card is full

[supertrooper1]

Dear Beau's DIL,

I hope you realize how lucky you are to have the support system you do. It's also apparent that you've never held a job. Beau is now scrambling to meet deadlines at his job because he dropped everything to babysit today so you to go to the hospital where your cousin is having an emergency surgery today. You couldn't even see him before the surgery and he will be sedated for days it sounds like. I could see if it was an immediate family member. Your own husband wouldn't even take off work to watch the kids.

Signed,
Probably cold hearted, but biting my tongue about how entitled you are

Dear coworker,
It was nice to get to know you today while I was training. You're such a nice person and I enjoyed talking with you! But I really hope you were able to learn what I showed you today. I've been told that you're not picking things up and are probably on a PIP. I hope for your sake and your client's sake that you can learn the job!
Signed,
Today's trainer

[mommyatty]

Dear mae0111,

Not only do I think it’s okay to choose to stay home, I think it’s the right decision. You could offer to do Thanksgiving at your house for his mom but warn her your house is now dry. But don’t feel compelled to do that either.

Signed,
An Internet Friend

Dear Boss,

So… I’ve agreed to take on work that will compose 50% of my time. It’s for a pretty important client and they loved me. If I also land another project where I would be PM, I’m going to be oversubscribed. That means I’m going to have less time for random bullshit. Okay?

Signed,
I needed this boost

[k3am]

Dear DD's SS teacher,

You are probably the only teacher that's teaching my kid how to learn. So kudos for that. BUT MY GOD THE HOMEWORK IS TOO MUCH. She gets math homework daily that takes 30 mins to an hour (that should only take 10-15). She gets 3-5 assignments from you that take anywhere from 1-3 hours, result in screaming fits, etc. Her other two core courses? No homework. So maybe you can find a happy medium? Even when I'm trying to help her, I can't figure out how to help her.

Signed,
Already passed 6th grade, not excited about this refresher.

[waverly]

Dear DH,

I’m fine if you want to take a few days off and visit your sister and friends, but Halloween? Really?

I have no idea what the kids are doing because they are planning it themselves. I only have tentative plans from them. I have no idea what times I am dropping and picking up. I have no idea if I am walking around with them.

We got dumped by my neighbor last year so I’m not about to ask anyone for help carpooling.

If the kids are arranging it then it’s weird for me to text the adults. The adults are not hosting. It’s just people walking around.

How exactly am I supposed to be 3 places at once? How do we find the kids that are walking around? I’m so tempted to cancel all plans and do nothing.

Signed,

Annoyed wife

[twinmomma]

Dear self,
I'm proud of you for reaching out to an organization you care about, asking if they needed board members, and applying. Because now you're a board member! You never would have known if you didn't just take the chance and send a cold email. This is going to be a great way for you to "fill your cup" and give you something to do as a hobby and just yourself, which you've been severely lacking.
Signed,
Me

Dear mae0111,
You do you and screw DH and his family's expectations for the holiday. There's no need for you to put everyone in a bad situation because you feel any guilt for MIL.
Signed,
Internet Friend

[mae0111]

k3am, we are also tangling with a SS/History teacher for DD1... at that age, though, I wonder if a conversation would yield some good results? DD2's teachers all say the same thing... if the homework is leading to tears, stop it and reach out. We will get DD2 back on track. Luckily we've been able to push through, but the first couple of weeks were rough and I let her Math teacher know that she was struggling... it was fixed pretty quickly...

good luck... homework is rough...

[mae0111]

Dear History teacher -

Despite your best efforts to derail DD1 by refusing to answer questions, not showing up to scheduled meetings with her, and restricting her extra time accommodation, she still got a 97 on your stupid test. I reviewed the material with her, and that 97 was EARNED - it was a HARD test.

So there.

Mama bear

[twinmomma]

Dear brother,
Thank you for cancelling our plans for tomorrow so that I don't have to! I really, really did not want to drive into the city on a Friday night and get home late. I've been in the office every day, followed by performances every night and haven't been home before 9 yet this week. Now I can count down to my Friday night crash in bed instead of trying to rally for one more night out.
Love,
Big Sis

[k3am]

mae0111 I should clarify.. the assignments shouldnt take 1-3 hours. It’s the fact that she’s challenged and it’s not “easy” that brings her to tears. If it were just insane amounts of work, I’d complain to him. Case in point last night she has a map of Northern Africa. She needs to label two continents (Africa and Asia), a few cities and landmarks, etc. But it’s a mix of locations that the book doesn’t show all one map. Like Kush is show on the map 1, but not Cairo. And the pyramids are a whole different map. Or a crossword that references the entire unit on Egypt vs just the specific lesson they’re working on that week. She is VERY black and white about everything and fights me every step of the way. (Freaking out because he included stuff from section 7, 8, 9, but this week they only worked on section 9! He’s not supposed to do that, they’re supposed to be on section 9!!!! YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING!!!!)

All that to say that I’m trying not to get involved directly because I do think she’s learning how to be a student and study through the process, which she hasn’t had to EVER do. It’s just a painful process.