Sore loser

[dancingirl21]

DS2 is 8 and is a sore loser. Mostly just at home. I haven’t noticed it when he plays sports, and his teacher hasn’t said anything at school. He loves board games, video games, sports at home, etc. Anytime he suspects he will lose or is close to losing, he cries. He doesn’t really throw a fit, but just gets sad and says things like, “I know I’m going to lose. There’s no way I can win.” It gets exhausting, especially when he wants to do these things all the time. His older brother doesn’t like competing against him in anything because he knows what it will become.

We’ve talked with him a lot about showing good sportsmanship and encouraging others. We tell him he won’t win all the time, and it’s important to find a way to deal with it. He gets it, but says he can’t help it when the tears start.

Anyone else have a kid like this and has words of encouragement, or ideas on what to do?

[UMaineTeach]

I think you are doing ok the way you are going.

I generally enable my kid to win. I won two games of candy tonight and she did surprisingly well, but on the third game I definitely cheated to lose.

One thing that I do is read signs that she’s getting upset and try to reinforce then that anyone can win and I’ll be okay if I lose. If things are still going down I offer for us to stop playing, but in a neutral way.

[sparty04]

My 7 year old is like this and throws actual fits, sometimes during sports too. He's an angel at school though. I don't have any other advice other than ignoring it. This has been going on for a few years with him and I'm over it. Sometimes I get so fed up that I tell him his behavior is embarrassing, no one wants to play with him because of how he acts, etc. and that sometimes works. So I guess my approach is less kind than others but he knows better and I've seen him behave better.

[cmeon]

Throw some cooperative games (or rules) into the mix. I honestly don't know the psychology of it, but it really seems to help knock down hyper competition when you work together to win.

[loira]

Sympathies - my DD (also 8) is hyper competitive and at home will attempt to cheat at games if she thinks she's losing. When she doesn't win she will throw a fit. She doesn't act like this in school or at soccer games. We try to model "good losing" by saying things like "oh well I had fun anyway" when we lose. My H is better at this than me. I am also hyper competitive so I guess the real winner in our family is genetics.

ETA sadly cooperative games don't seem to work for us because DD manages to turn them competitive by being determined to be the "best" on our team at helping to beat the game.

[waverly]

It is a stage that will pass. Might be a few years but it will pass with emotional maturity. Keep doing what you are doing. At the base is managing emotions.

[dancingirl21]

Thanks, all. I assume it will pass with time. He’s my guy with big emotions. Which I love and am not trying to tamp down! But it can be a bit much at times. We always say “good game” and shake hands or give a hug at the end of each game, usually with him in tears. We don’t let him win all the time, but will occasionally throw one to him. Glad to hear it will pass. My oldest is so chill and such a good sport, this is new territory!

[jeaniebueller]

Agree with the others that its really the age. I remember when DS played basketball around that age, there were always kids who were crying and not reacting well to losing, being benched, etc.

[kitty]

DS1 is like this too but it has been getting better as he gets older. He is almost 11 now and it is much better than when he was younger. I think he will always be more competitive than average but he’s learning to deal with the internal feelings instead of just having a tantrum about it.

[macmars45]

My nephew was god awful at losing games (yet wanted to play all the time) from 5-11/12 years old. We just consistently modeled good sportsmanship with a side of I'm going to take a break from playing with you because I'm tired of your attitude.

[livinitup]

When DD was around that age I went to a really cool conference for work and they had break-out sessions on teaching/supporting emotional regulation to young kids and I met the author or someone who was involved in authoring the books. I think they got popular with teachers and in the classroom. So people have heard about them. Anyway, DD just loved the books and they are just regular children’s books.

They aren’t preachy at all. And they are fun. DD can sniff out anything too contrived (she hated “character week” stuff at school) and just loved these.

Anyway, it built language and strategies and I’d recommended it for parents. They are probably still in print.

Something like “Fill Your Bucket”. I’ll look for titles and report back.

ETA: “Have you Filled Your Bucket Today?” They also have workbooks and videos.

Anyway, it really made a difference with the competition stuff. She got competitive about being a bucket filler & not a bucket stealer (or something). Good luck!

[hermione]

I don’t think this abnormal. I cried over many games of Monopoly. My kid did this around 7–9. Emotions are big at those ages. Just keep modeling how you want him to react.

[circa1978]

My DS also went through this but for him, it was underlaid by a need for perfection. It did not help he was an only child/ youngest cousin by far and often played with adults. It took a lot of us modeling sportsmanship, playing team sports, and unpacking the anxiety behind losing but he got over it. I do also just think time helps but some kids need more to become "good losers." God knows I've met many adults who didn't get the lesson.

[magma]

Agree that you are planting seeds each time you model good sportsmanship. You won’t see the results in a day but with maturity it will get better.

What about if before you start any game, talk to him - “what if you lose and have big feelings about that? What will you do?” (Go outside and cool off, scream into a pillow, whatever.) he may not then do it in the moment later but you are calling attention to the feelings and getting his brain to start thinking about problem solving.

I disagree with the poster above to let him win. Resilience is learned and the only way he can learn is a million losses in candy land will teach him how to handle the hard stuff, so that when he gets a C on a test as a 16 year old he won’t crumble. Blessing of a skinned knee and all that.

And know that his competitiveness will be a strength for him too. He’ll have passion and drive, he will work to get better. I’ve coached a ton of kids in sports and yes the ones crying over a missed shot can be challenging but I love them because they have the drive to do their best and urge their teammates to improve too. Would much rather have that than the kid who shrugs and doesn’t care.

[shauni27]

my 7 year old is exactly like this. We just keep working on it with him. It is exhausting though!

[jennistarr1]

I'm trying to find a thread where i posted something very similar
my 8 year old, otherwise very chill, and actually not a sore loser when it came to sports...was needing to be "right" and it was hard to get her to see where she wrong in situtations...and I was very concerned what she was doing with us, she was doing socially, because I definitely saw her less connected with peers

she's 9 now and honestly, it did all work itself out...I still try and find thread