Disappointed.

[piper84]

Last night I received a phone call from H who's away at OTS. I was so excited. It has been a rough week at home with our 2 dogs and our 2-month old. Anyway, the minute I heard his voice, I burst into tears. I have been trying so hard to pull myself together each day, stay strong and positive, but hearing his voice just made me lose it.

I felt so disappointed in myself last night. Instead of having a happy phone call and being able to give him updates on our little boy, etc, we spent the entire time (only about 5 minutes) having him ask if I was doing okay and me trying to reassure him that I'm okay. He had to get off the phone in time for "lights out" but I know our phone call left him feeling sad and guilty. That was not my intention and how I just feel so sad. I wish I could have those 5 minutes back. I feel like I wasted them crying...

Sorry to vent -- I just know many of you could probably relate.

[livinitup]

He probably also felt really loved and missed and had an authenitic connection, even for 5 minutes. Follow-up with a nice email/letter with all the things you meant to say to encourage him.

[kcd0531]

::::::hugs:::::: Don't obsess over it; you have a lot on your plate. Livin had a great suggestion, send an encouraging upbeat letter. That will probably also do wonders for yourself as well.

[beachy]

If he is able to get mail or email I would send a letter or email being more positive.

Don't beat yourself up over something you can't change. But I would definitely try to hold it together on the next phone call as much as you can. Being able to talk about regular things will make it easier on both of you. Maybe he will call again as soon as he can if he is worried from the call, and you can just do your best to sound more positive and reassure him. There have definitely been times where I have hung up from deployment phone calls and cried, but I try my hardest not to do it on the phone because I know it just makes H worry.

[piper84]

Thank you all for the advice and support. I just wrote him a happy, cheerful letter and even included some pictures of our little family for him. You are all right -- I feel so much better.

I know it will get easier over time. I'm just totally not used to being apart from him yet.

Thanks again

[basilosaurus]

There's no reason to be disappointed. Are you supposed to blow smoke up his ass and pretend to feel a way you're not? Yeah, he probably felt sad and guilty, but that's not a terrible thing. This is a crazy change of life for both of you, and you're both going to have good and bad days. He'll learn that a 5 minute snapshot isn't a picture of the whole situation, and you will, too. Because this is going to happen in both directions.

singed,
someone who's used to long separation and totally did the exact same thing a couple weeks ago after all of 5 days apart.

[NomadicMama]

I am a firm believer that my role, as the wife of a soldier and mother of our child, is to keep our "family life" together in such a way that my DH does not have to worry about the minutia back home. BUT, honest and genuine emotions are not minutiae. Connecting while he is away is important.

Your reaction was genuine and unexpected. This is life. And, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate with a baby and pets. Don't beat yourself up.

I gave birth to our son while my DH was deployed last time. My PDD was awful. DH called me every day (thank goodness for local cell phones!). I cried every day for at least six weeks. I couldn't help it. Simply hearing his voice started the tears. But he called every day, regardless.

DH is deployed again. I cried during our FaceTime chat on our anniversary. I cried when we talked on my birthday. Being apart is hard. It is important to support your spouse/service member, but you need support, too!

[piper84]

Thanks, Sibil and NomadicMama... I'm glad to see I'm not alone

[basilosaurus]

Sept 27, 2012 20:32:49 GMT -5 Stan said:

being away doesn't change HIS desire to be strong for me too, KWIM? Someone said up there somewhere that showing real emotion is part of connecting and keeping your marriage real.

I think this is the important thing to keep in mind. Supporting each other is what a marriage is about, and it doesn't become one sided just b/c he's away.

Sure, you might save sharing your issue for another day if he's having a particularly bad one, but I don't think it's healthy to refrain from sharing at all. Not healthy for you, and not for your relationship.

A long time ago, my college boyfriend's mom gave me some really good advice. She said in no relationship is the love you express for each other exactly equal at the same time. There's always someone giving more than receiving at any given moment. And that's ok, because as long as it balances out when averaged, you're doing well.

I apply that towards emotional support, too. There are some periods when I have to take every bit of support H offers me and have nothing left over to give him. If that might happen while he's gone, so be it, my mental health is unpredictable But there are plenty of other times when I prop him up, when he needs me more than I need him, so it all works out in the long run.

[krista]

You're definitely not alone. The first phone call from my husband's first deployment was a disaster. I broke down into a sobbing, hysterical mess because I forgot to take the garbage out and for some reason, felt the need to tell him that. It was his job when he was home. Fortunately, he just laughed at me and told me, kindly, that I was being a dumbass and could figure it out on my own
But, yeah. I'm sure we've all had breakdowns on the phone during separations. Don't feel bad.