UPDATED .....Question about teens and ED - TW

[aeaunt]

Here's the update:

Took DD to her school physical.  She is healthy, in the 65% for weight.  Talked to her provider (whom we love) about the concerns. She pulled her history and was concerned that she had lost 14lbs from last year to this year.  She ordered a full lab panel, which all came back normal.  So now, she wants her to see a pediatric dietician.  

DH and I are hesitant to do this (actually DH is adamantly against it - I'm just annoyed, lost and confused if I'm being honest).  The girl eats.  For instance, last night, I made salmon, corn on the cob and smashed potatoes - all at her request.  She ate every last bite.  She got up this morning and packed her school lunch, had DH and I look at it to see if she should add anything else - she had leftover BBQ wings, yogurt, applesauce, grapes, a nutrigrain bar and then took cheddar rice cakes for her 8th hour snack.  Then proceeded to make a bowl of yogurt for breakfast and ate it all.  

Her doctor thinks she's restricting and doesn't know that she is restricting as much. 

DD says she has made different food choice (which I agree, she's eating healthier) and she said she doesn't eat when she's bored (again, I agree with that change).

So WTF are we missing? Or are we?  I'm trying to not be overbearing about it but on one side, the doctor is concerned.  On the other, DH and I see her eat and eat well. And we are mindful about her time after meals as well and there is no evidence of her purging. 

So, are we really missing something?  Is it an overreaction on the other side?

Anyway - that's where we are






Hey - I am a quasi frequent poster but don't want this under my usual name.

My DD is an early teen, in junior high and over the past year has grown up a ton - lost her baby fat, grown a few inches and thinned out quite a bit.  It is a noticeable difference but she is healthy, active, etc. 

Apparently my mom tribe has concerns about her having an ED.  I was told this last night and was completely blindsided by it.  The friend who told me about it came from a very loving place but it really has me shook.

I keep ruminating over my conversation with my friend and thinking about if we have missed any signs.  I really don't believe we have.  DH agrees with me.  She eats. Yes, she's changed how she eats, like makes protein yogurt bowls instead of a PBJ or will eat fruit instead of chips.  

DH and I have worked very hard over the last 10 years to get and be healthy.  We are regular gym goers and while we try to eat healthy most of the time, we also indulge.  We talk to our kids about moderation.  I guess I don't feel that we have bad relationship with food.  I work hard to be body positive especially around her.  We talk about how we are strong, food is fuel, etc etc.  

She is not restricting herself on food, she does eat.  My friend asked if she is maybe throwing up and I said I really don't believe she is.  

I am not sure what I'm looking for but I am reeling.  Probably feeling a bit protective because apparently this has been a thought my friends have been having?  I don't know.  

More than anything, I want to make sure we aren't missing any warning signs.  Again, food is plentiful in our home, we have healthy and indulgent options, we don't food shame, we don't restrict or really regulate.  

[wildrice]

Other than being thinner, have they noticed any other behaviors? Based on what you have said, I don't see anything alarming - healthy eating is great and I don't think eating fruit instead of chips is a disorder, unless she expresses fear of eating chips or is binging huge quantities of fruit or something other than "I would prefer to eat this/I'm paying attention to my health"

I don't even think that being mindful of not gaining weight is necessarily a disordered behavior, it's the extremes or the emotional distress associated with it that can be disordered.

She is also probably at an age where you can talk to her about it. I wouldn't tell her that people think she has an eating disorder, just ask her some questions to better understand how she feels about food right now. Perhaps others will have suggestions for which ones to ask. I don't think checking in about healthy habits is ever a bad thing with loved ones, though, as long as you are doing it sensitively.

[missva]

Are your friends just going by her weight WRT this concern or did they have other "evidence"? Has she seen her pediatrician lately?

[aeaunt]

It all started when my kids went with one of my friend's (who I guess has concerns) kids to a fast food place for a treat. My daughter ordered a snack item and a shake but made a comment about how many calories her order had. However, she ordered the food and ate it. I guess friend's kid made a comment to her mom who asked another one of our friends (and I guess she had the same thought) and then they reached out to the friend who brought it up to me. So, apparently there have been concerns whirling in their heads about it but it finally came out yesterday and was brought up.

DH and I talked about how to handle it and we truly don't feel like it's something to be concerned about, but we are mindful and watchful. We don't know if bringing it up would make her more self-conscious than a young teen already is.

I think what has me tripped (among a couple other things) is that the friend who brought it up to me, we are with a lot. She's been around DD and sees her eat. If DD doesn't prefer what we are eating at a meal, she will make something else. She isn't skipping meals. So then I'm like, okay, friend sees her eat, but is concerned, so what am I missing. I am going to talk to friend more this weekend when I have more time and have been able to process this better and ask her what signs she's maybe seeing that we may be missing.

[aeaunt]

Jul 11, 2025 12:26:47 GMT -5 missva said:

Are your friends just going by her weight WRT this concern or did they have other "evidence"? Has she seen her pediatrician lately?

She has her sports physical in a couple weeks.

I really think they are going by how much she's changed this year.  It has been a change but we are talking head to toe - contacts instead of glasses, braces off and her body has changed - longer legs and really just thinned out.  she's also grown about 2.5" in the last year.

[glw]

Anecdote:
When I was in HS some classmates' parents raised similar concerns to my mom about me, in front of me, and while I was 100% just a skinny kid with no ED issues, after that I was an ashamed skinny kid because I took it to mean I looked "sick". It was a real blow to my self esteem. So, whatever you choose to do, I would not tell DD about what they said.

[shauni27]

this is really hard. I was evaluated as a tween for an ED because I was so thin and it was humiliating. I did not have an ED, but my pediatrician did not believe I was housing the foods I was and made me come in weekly for weigh ins and to check and see if I had signs of purging. On the other hand, I remember my mom (a pediatric RN) saying she was glad to bring me to these appointments because an ED can be serious and she would rather I be a bit humiliated than killing myself from trying to limit or purge food.

All that said, I would speak to your friend about it in more detail to see if she is genuinely concerned or more just saying "hey, be on the look out for this." I would also speak to your daughter directly as well. "hey, so and so commented that you were making remarks about calories the other day. That in and of itself is not concerning, but we want you to know that counting calories, especially at your age, is not healthy. Eat what you want, in moderation, etc." Make sure she knows that she can come talk to you if she ever feels unhappy with her looks or weight and tell her how serious that can be and that you will always support and love her.

[shauni27]

Jul 11, 2025 12:39:07 GMT -5 glw said:

Anecdote:
When I was in HS some classmates' parents raised similar concerns to my mom about me, in front of me, and while I was 100% just a skinny kid with no ED issues, after that I was an ashamed skinny kid because I took it to mean I looked "sick". It was a real blow to my self esteem. So, whatever you choose to do, I would not tell DD about what they said.

yeah, this. When I was in 8th grade I was 5'8" and did not weigh 100 lbs. It makes sense that my pediatrician wanted me evaluated for an ED; I was scrawny as hell. I remember friends' parents commenting after I ate 4 pieces of pizza that I must be bulimic and it really hurt.

[lavenderblue]

Sometimes as a parent we are too close to the situation and it takes an outsider to truly see what is going on. When my daughter was hospitalized and diagnosed with Anorexia, I knew that she had lost some weight, and that she had been restricting...some, but I truly had no idea how bad it had gotten. Throwing away food when I wasn't looking. Fully skipping meals if she could get away with it, like at school. Taking smaller and smaller portions. Exercising in secret, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night. What I thought was her making "healthier choices" like choosing the salad at McDonalds over the Burger (this was pre-Pandemic when you could still get salads at fast food restaurants) was actually disordered eating. All of that to say, I think that it is worth talking to your daughter but be very careful how you frame the conversation and do not say anything to her that others have brought this to your attention, this needs to come from you. I think that it is worth talking to her doctor. And I think that it is worth taking a long hard look at whether or not your daughter could be developing a disordered relationship with food. Hopefully it is nothing, but it is certainly worth looking in to in case it is something.

[crtrmom]

To me, this sounds like a healthy teenager growing and changing. Both my DD1, who will be 15 in October, and my youngest nephew, who is almost 17, have become more health conscious this year. They certainly enjoy their junk food, but also eat eggs, fruit and veggies much more voluntary than they used to. They know how to read nutrition labels and I *sometimes* see DD1 look at calcium, protein, iron and calorie content on these.

Given your DD has an appointment with her doctor in the near future, I think a quick chat with them will give you direction and hopefully reassurance.

[icedcoffee]

I can't imagine friends having such a difficult convo with you if they weren't seriously concerned so I would for sure take their concerns very seriously. And also be thankful for a friend like that.

I wouldn't immediately do anything, but I would keep my eyes open.

This is super hard though. <3

[circa1978]

Well, the first thing I would say is that weight isn't always (and often isn't) an indicator of disordered eating. My mother has only JUST realized in my 40s that I've been living with an ED since my teens. She calls it "my sickness." I've been all kinds of weights in those 35+ years and she only worries when I'm thin but the truth is I'm restrictive, have disordered beliefs and body image and other issues all the time. It's just not always obvious. I'm not saying your daughter has an ED but I think if the daughter and the mom both took the risk of bringing it up, it's worth reviewing what the symptoms are and talking with your health care team as necessary. I will say that for me, it's always been about control, not necessarily my weight.

ETA: And I think also far more of us have ED than we're willing to admit. Just like any other mental illness, there are people who need all levels of treatment. I've needed to be inpatient for my OCD. Most people don't. There is a similar  sort of spectrum so it's not like an immediate flash to Eugena Clooney. The fact that that's what the shorthand for ED is in the common understanding  leads it to be undiagnosed  far too often, even by healthcare professionals.

[sunshineandpinot]

Jul 11, 2025 12:48:32 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I can't imagine friends having such a difficult convo with you if they weren't seriously concerned so I would for sure take their concerns very seriously. And also be thankful for a friend like that.

I wouldn't immediately do anything, but I would keep my eyes open.

This is super hard though. <3

<3

I agree with this. 

[aeaunt]

Thank you for your input. I talked to my sister who lives close and is close with my family to see if she had a different view. We just spent the holiday weekend with them and are with them often. She agrees to be mindful of it but not alarmed and she hasn't seen anything that seems off. Again, DD eats healthy and not-so-healthy things. I'm trying to see it from all sides to see if we have truly missed something since we are so close to her.

We do not intend to tell her that this was brought up by friends but instead keep a more careful eye. I really am just reeling from feeling blindsided by it. I did tell my friend thank you for telling me and that I know how hard it was to be the friend to bring it up, so I appreciated her doing so.

[mcppalmbeach]

Honestly I would try to go back to the friend to get some more information. I feel like one comment about calories would not be enough for a teenage girl and / or her mom to be overly concerned so I would really want to find out if there was something else besides that and the body changes. Maybe it was only those two things together than concerned them, but I would want more information. And I agree with the above. There are all sorts of degrees of disordered eating and obviously none are ideal while some are actively dangerous. I would for sure be more watchful. I’ve struggled with an active ED and also disorder eating.

[rachers]

Gosh, this is hard. I was always the string bean thin kid no matter what I ate/how active I was. Still am and I get anxious about it.

I would start talking to your DD. While it’s helpful for friends to point out hard truths sometime, I guess it also comes with a grain of salt. Some friends I’d be like “I’m so glad you brought this up” and others I might be like “ehh…”

I mean it sounds like yall are doing the right things! But if it were me I would just focus on the conversation/habits with your DD.

[rhian]

Does your friend's kid hang out with your daughter without you all there? Is it possible that the other kid told their mom something that happened when adults weren't around, and your friend isn't telling you about the specific incidents because her kid asked her not to share it? I also agree with lavenderblue that sometimes close family members can miss things, even with all the care in the world.

When I was in 9th grade, I had a friend who I'm fairly certain had an ED. She lost a lot of weight quickly, was very conscious about eating "healthy," and started exercising a *ton*. I have a distinct memory of being with her and another friend at soccer practice. The three of us were on a rest after having worked out pretty hard (maybe it was a scrimmage?) - I remember being hot, sitting in the grass breathing hard, and being glad we were getting a break. This friend tried to get us to run laps around the field until it was our turn to play again. We both said no, so she ran by herself. I'm guessing this was the type of behavior that her family wasn't seeing.

Maybe it's nothing, but I agree with suggestions to keep a close eye out, potentially bringing it up with her pediatrician, and maybe having some conversations with your daughter.

[cuadrado]

Did your friend say exactly why she was bringing up the concerns?

I would want to know if she was only bringing this up based on your DD's physical appearance, or if your DD has said or done anything concerning around her. Ask for specific examples. 

There are two sides to this - One is that body size is not necessarily an indicator for an ED.  The other is that the pursuit of 'being healthy' can definitely be a piece of developing an ED. 

So I would definitely try to get more details to help you in assessing the situation.

[picksthemusic]

DD is 13 and has started talking about eating less sugar, and limiting junk (except Cheez-Its and Sprite because those are her weakness haha). We talk a lot about everything in moderation, it's okay to have treats as long as you balance it with something nutritionally dense, and how to feel satisfied when planning a meal or snack. We talk about how food and nutrition relates to how we feel after we eat, what our bodies do with the foods we eat, and how it relates to activity and energy levels, mood, etc. For instance, if she happened to skip breakfast and is giving a ton of attitude and being generally grumpy, I call her out on being hangry and tell her to eat something. It usually works and she is her happy self again once she eats (and we make her self-evaluate to help her understand that it was the hunger making her grumpy).

Since she is genetically predisposed to diabetes (it's on both sides for her, poor thing) and metabolic disorders, it makes sense that she is being conscious about things, but we are really striving for balance and not extremes.

She has also watched me use a GLP-1 medication over the last 2 years to lose 75lbs and keep it off. Her dad (DH) also started a GLP-1 this year and has dropped 15lbs (he's on it for diabetes, mine is preventative/for PCOS/insulin resistance).

For sure, talk to her pediatrician with her actively involved in the discussion, and not in an accusatory way. Make it that you are wanting to make sure she is healthy and making good choices for her body that will keep her healthy as she grows. But overall it seems like normal puberty-related growth and change.

[magma]

“We are regular gym goers and while we try to eat healthy most of the time, we also indulge. We talk to our kids about moderation. I guess I don't feel that we have bad relationship with food. I work hard to be body positive especially around her. We talk about how we are strong, food is fuel, etc etc.”

Just wanted to quote the OP to say you can do everything right h and your kid can still have an ED. Ask me how I know. I’ve always thought I had a great relationship with food, no body issues, eat whatever in moderation…yet when DD was 10 she still developed an ED. Our pediatrician said it can be genetic.

If you asked your daughter how she feels about her body, what would she say? My daughter would cry and say how much she hated her stomach, thighs, etc. You can perhaps talk generally about body image, how society conditions is to think thin/small equals better, point out jokes based on size when you see them on TV, just try to get her talking. See what happens.

[lust2hart]

I'm so sorry, I can see how you would be blindsided. I'm glad you're going to talk to your friend again to get more information because the way you've presented this, Friend A heard from her daughter that your daughter made comments about calories. Friend A then told Friend B (who apparently had her own concerns about your daughter?). Then Friends A and B talked to Friend C, and Friend C is the one who talked to you. That's a lot of telephone, especially considering the one dialing is a teenaged girl. I'm grateful on your behalf for Friend C actually talking to you instead of just gossiping like the others were. I really hope there's nothing going on!

[basilosaurus]

So, they had a problem with a teen choosing healthier options than fast food, but she still ate? And she's a teen whose body is changing.

It is true that modeling healthy eating can still have a kid with an ED. It's also true that people can see any sign of healthier choices as ED. Perhaps as a judgment of their own unhealthy choices.

Speaking from experience, I once had my manager (in my early 20s) call me into her office to say that coworkers had come to her concerned about my eating. I knew exactly who it was, a good friend and coworker in her 40s who was obese, and what it referenced (she'd said so to my face). I had my last 2 wisdom teeth out and couldn't really eat for a week. I dropped a few pounds, and I was already quite naturally thin, and I said I wasn't worried, that it would come back. Which it did. This escalated wildly in the company, subtly, but I knew I was being watched.

I was a healthy eater to begin with, mostly vegetarian, and they took every sign of me turning down fatty meats and fast food as "proof." It made me feel like shit, and I was old enough to mostly rebuff those attitudes.

I don't think you're wrong to maybe keep a closer eye, but I'd be pretty cautious because no one regardless of age wants to know that people are watching their food choices.

Also, I don't know if this helps, bulimia doesn't generally result in weight loss or body composition, so you can probably rule that out in your mental concern.

[fryjack2]

PDQ

It may not hurt to have your daughter see a nutritionist.

One of my children, who has never been higher than the 5th percentile in height or weight for his age, began having disordered eating a few months ago. I won't go into a ton of specifics, but he was diagnosed with disordered eating and we are now seeing a nutritionist and a therapis. Our house is a lot like what you wrote about food and working out. Once I started to notice things, and how fast it was escalating, I knew we were looking at anorexia in the near future if we didn't step in.

This age is so tough with all the changes bodies are going through. My brother was over 6 feet as a freshman and skin and bones no matter what he ate. I was barely 5 foot and not skin and bones. We are a year apart. It was tough for both of us for different reasons.

[lilac05]

I can’t add anything of value beyond what has already been said, but wanted to say she’s lucky to have a mom like you. And it sounds like you have caring friends who are trying to be helpful/supportive vs judgy/gossipy. I think the increased awareness of ED (which is GOOD!) has made many people hyper aware, which can lead to false alarms.

It seems like you’re doing all the right things, and I hope all the best

[starlily]

Our older DD is 14 and we were blindsided this spring when she disclosed to her pediatrician at her annual physical that she had been skipping meals (breakfast and lunch) at school. She had always had a slim to average build, and we all eat dinner together nightly, so neither of us realized what had been going on the prior 4-6 months. She was a little crankier than usual, but that was easily chalked up in our minds to just normal teen behavior. But she was actually so irritable because she was hungry. We truly had no idea since there wasn't a huge change in her body and because we saw her eat a wide variety of foods while at home. She's been in outpatient treatment since it came to light and it's been helpful.

If I were you I'd probably try to keep a close eye on things and broach the topic with her at home to see if she's receptive to talking about it. I might also mention it to her Dr. prior to the sports physical. One of the things that was useful for my kid was understanding how food provides what she needs to be stronger in her physical activities.

I wish you all the best.

[al dente]

Jul 11, 2025 12:48:32 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I can't imagine friends having such a difficult convo with you if they weren't seriously concerned so I would for sure take their concerns very seriously. And also be thankful for a friend like that.

I wouldn't immediately do anything, but I would keep my eyes open.

This is super hard though. <3

I agree with this. It's not a comfortable conversation to have, and is something hard to see from up close. I remember multiple friends in middle/high school with EDs that ate normally around parents.

Does she have a phone and social media? Along with other things mentioned I might scan that and see if a lot of disordered eating things are being targeted towards her.

I really love Lisa Demour for this age group and girl things as well. She has a podcast cast and a few books.

[catpants]

This happened to me when I was in high school from both adults and my friend group. I was naturally very thin and also danced several times a week. I did not have an ED and ate plenty of food. I felt attacked and helpless when people refused to believe that. It permanently damaged several friendships. My advice from someone who lived this is to not make a big deal out of it yet. Absolutely watch your daughter and make sure she is safe, but making a big deal out of her eating habits is more likely to make her question herself and might even cause an issue where there probably isn’t one at the moment.

[felicity]

You have good friends. It was thoughtful of them to share this concern even if it turns out not to be correct. You guys are great parents for trying to watch out for her and look into this, even though it wasn't originally on your radar.

I had an ED starting in middle school through college, and some things you said here that concern me are that she is even thinking of things in the way of it being a "protein bowl" over just yogurt and other stuff that tastes good and fills her up and she notices and mentions calories. That combined with the weight loss makes me worried for her and that she's actively trying to keep her weight down. Something like fruit over chips isn't inherently bad, but if she's doing it for the calories then that's not a good mentality for a kid her age. Kids can be very sneaky, and very very good about hiding their eating habits. Nobody ever confronted me about my ED. Nobody knew unless I wanted them to. My parents saw signs, but brushed them off. My parents would make me "healthy" options that I told them I would eat like baked chicken and stuff like that. I would refuse anything with an ounce of fat in it because I thought it would make me fat (this was the 90s, so fat free was the fad diet).

I'd also be really careful about calling it baby fat that she lost. It implies that it's fat that shouldn't be there because she's not a baby anymore.

One of my best high school friends was very tall and extremely skinny. People who didn't know her thought she had an ED. However I spent a lot of time with her, and she ate a lot, and she never commented on the nutritional value of food. The fact that your daughter is thinking about protein and calories really worries me. If she lost this weight just by chance, then there is no reason for her to be worrying about calories. Please keep your eyes wide open for more signs and restrictive eating or purging.

[basilosaurus]

Protein bowl wouldn't concern me because that's probably how it's listed on menus. It's not inherently a reflection on thinking about food. Calories maybe? But those are also often listed on menus.

I think I agree with going into her browsing history and seeing if she's gone to pro-ana sites. And I also agree teens will eat healthy in front of parents while the rest of the time they're not. So, I'm not dismissing the possibility.

Hearing from your parents that you're wonderful the way you are goes a long way. Even schools and the federal government, speaking from experience of that fucking physical fitness test, tells kids their body is wrong. I don't know why they still do that eisenhower program. It always came back with "should talk with parents and teachers about eating habits" like wtf? And my parents to their credit openly laughed if off, but, still, wtf. Why are you telling this to me?

It was my little sister, of "average" weight who was on the verge of ED because of her friend group. I'd probably look to what they're doing, too. My parents knew I didn't give a flying fuck about fitting in or what others thought of me. She desperately wanted to be "in" and was a follower. So, where does this kid fit into how she feels about societal expectations. (I know that's not the sole factor in ED)

[aeaunt]

Thank you all for your thoughts and input.

Here are some updates from the weekend:

I spent most of Friday just reeling and feeling blindsided. Combing through what I could think of that would have brought this up. I have not yet had a chance to talk to the friend that brought it up to me but should be able to this evening. I do think some of it may be what another poster said above regarding the feeling of telephone. I know it isn’t malicious but the sting is still there.

I looked through DDs phone, messages, apps and searches. I found a bmi chart but otherwise, nothing alarming. I looked at her TikTok and insta followings and again, nothing overtly alarming.

Dh took our kids to lunch Friday to their favorite Mexican restaurant and she ate her normal food. They came to see me at work and she grabbed a piece of candy and ate it. Friday evening, I picked her up from a friends house and brought her home. 2/3 of the friends who apparently have had concerns were here and we had a bit charcuterie spread, lots of meats, cheese, fruits and veggies. She sat down with us and ate off the boards then made herself some apples and peanut butter. There was zero indication of anything amiss nor did she go to the bathroom. (Watching for that in case
she’s purging)

As far as the protein bowls, when dh and I talk to our kids about healthy eating, we talk about how important protein is. They’ve also discussed it in her weights class so I don’t feel like her attention to protein came out of nowhere per se.

I do see where the remark about calories could be concerning but I’m not alarmed. Mindful, but not alarmed.

Yesterday, she was at a friends birthday for a sleepover and messaged me asking if we could do her favorite wings and Mac and cheese tonight.

When friend brought it up to me she said “hopefully it’s nothing but didnt not want to say something in case it was”. I really do appreciate where their concern is but again, I’m just not getting any indication of something wrong.

We are going to continue to monitor her habits. She has a friend here now and they just asked me to go get ice cream.

I’m really not trying to be naive or turn a blind eye. I am still struggling to see how it adds up to a potential ED. Again, dh and I plan to monitor and be mindful but not blow things up or draw attention to it with her.


I truly do appreciate everyone insight. I’m sorry for those who have and do struggle with EDs. Sending you all love.