XH and the last name dilemma

[achase123]

So the backstory to this is that when P was born, XH and I were already going through the divorce process and he was on drugs. I knew I would take my maiden name back in the divorce process because of his trouble with the law, I didn't want his last name to potentially effect my professional reputation in our small community.

What happened was, when the nurse came in with the birth certificate it happened to be when XH's ENTIRE family was in the room. My plan was to give P a hyphenated last name (my maiden name, and XH"s last name). But I was intimidated by his family being there so I just said that I wanted it to be XH's last name. After I got home (less than 24 hrs later) I panicked. I called to see if it was possible to amend P's last name on the BC and have it be hyphenated. Since they hadn't filed it yet they said that was fine, they would change it and then file it.

Now XH is bugging me about dropping my maiden name from P's last name. Everytime we do an exchange this issue comes up. I told him to drop it, I'm keeping things as is. So he has my last name AND XH's and that's the way it is. Honestly, if I were to drop anything it would be XH's last name, and not mine.

XH keeps saying that I will get remarried someday and then P will have my maiden name still, and I will have a different last name. There's no guarantees here that A) I will get remarried, B) that I will change to a new husband's last name. Maybe I will keep my maiden name? There are a lot of variables.

ANYWHOOO, I guess I'm wondering if I'm not seeing the entire picture here. I understand that a hyphenated last name can be a bit cumbersome for a little guy, but I don't like the idea of dropping my last name from his legal name, and I don't see why XH is throwing such a fit over it. Any thoughts on this?

[Deleted]

He's being a child. I think what you did was perfect. I would just ignore him if he brings it up again.

[achase123]

Oct 4, 2012 11:36:20 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

He's being a child. I think what you did was perfect. I would just ignore him if he brings it up again.

Perfect. That's what I thought I just wanted to be sure I wasn't being irrational here.

[Bernadine]

I wouldn't change it at all.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2012 11:37:09 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Oct 4, 2012 11:36:20 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

He's being a child. I think what you did was perfect. I would just ignore him if he brings it up again.

Perfect. That's what I thought I just wanted to be sure I wasn't being irrational here.

Totes. I also want to say I think it's really great that you didn't just cut out ex's name. I could totally understand wanting to, put as always you thought about your son first.

[dakotadangerdog]

Tell him it's out of the question, no debate, nothing is changing.

[doriswe]

My DD has a hyphenated last name (I was forced to make a fast decision about it and should have pushed for mine only). Anyway, it's a pain in the ass for a number of reasons (which name comes first in the computer system?, it's longer than just one last name, etc) but it is what is is now. She's not at all the only kid in her grade with two last names, so I don't see it as a huge deal....and I think your XH is just being a dork for the sake of being a dork.

And I'm 100% sure that I will not change my last name if I ever get married again (for a number of reasons).

Your XH is just making a big deal out of nothing. /gavel

[achase123]

Cool, thanks ladies. I just always like to be sure I'm not out of line when it comes to matters of P.

I honestly thought about not putting his name on the BC at all. My little brother and cousin were encouraging me to just use my maiden name. Truth be told, if everything were to have happened when I was stronger (like I am now) I probably would have. Especially because XH had almost zero involvement with P for the first two years of his life. The main issue with XH is he's SUCH a loose cannon that we will never know the next time he slips back into his old habits. I'm willing to bet that the next big fuck up is not too far in the future.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 4, 2012 11:36:20 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

He's being a child. I think what you did was perfect. I would just ignore him if he brings it up again.

Yup, agreed. He is just as much (if not more) your child than his. He should have YOUR last name. And who knows, if you get married again, XH may be out of the picture by then and your new H may want to adopt him and you can all have the same last name! Or you can keep your maiden name!

In any case, your XH is a stupid poo head, don't listen to him.

[heavenly]

You were definitely very fair to have both names listed and with the specific circumstances between you and your ex at the time of birth, he is very lucky with what you put down.
I would ignore your xh on this, his opinion may never change on this but they are not more deserving than your own.

[dakotadangerdog]

Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to put his name on there at all if I was you! My best friend when I was 19 had a baby with her boyfriend and she just gave the baby her bf's last name. I totally didn't get it. They were a terrible couple, when her son was a baby he ripped the windshield wiper off her car and smashed the drivers side window while she was sitting in it, and the baby was in the back seat. They'd been the on again off again type for YEARS, so whyyyy not at LEAST hyphenate??? 6 years later and they are still off again on again now we are engaged now we aren't oh yes now we are again blah blah blah.

[rocknruin72]

I think what you did is perfect for you and your DS. Don't let your exh control your feelings on this issue. You made a decision and you should stick to it. I wouldn't worry about making any changes until if/when you decide to marry again.

[imalwaysme79]

My maiden name is hyphenated because my parents divorced when I was really young. Honestly, it sucked for a lot of reasons, but understood the reasoning behind it, and really wouldn't have had it any other way growing up. But, I did choose to keep my married name when I divorced. If, within a few years I don't see the chance of getting remarried, I'll legally have it changed to my maternal grandmothers current (also maiden) last name. However, in your case, I think that P having both last names is fine, and when he turns 18, he can legally change it to whatever he wants.

[achase123]

Oct 4, 2012 11:47:19 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Oct 4, 2012 11:42:59 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Cool, thanks ladies. I just always like to be sure I'm not out of line when it comes to matters of P.

I honestly thought about not putting his name on the BC at all. My little brother and cousin were encouraging me to just use my maiden name. Truth be told, if everything were to have happened when I was stronger (like I am now) I probably would have. Especially because XH had almost zero involvement with P for the first two years of his life. The main issue with XH is he's SUCH a loose cannon that we will never know the next time he slips back into his old habits. I'm willing to bet that the next big fuck up is not too far in the future.

That must be so hard to deal with. I know you have said in the past it would be really hard for your to move away from your family but dealing with your ex all the time is such a pain. Now that you have passed your exam have you thought about moving to a larger city?

I have definitely considered moving. I have some family about four hours north of here. I love the area and it's where I went to college. I could see myself living there for sure.

I get a headache thinking of dealing with XH for the next 15 years. He is just one thing after another, it seems. Sometimes I consider moving away simply to get P away from all that. I do feel guilty though when I think of him not knowing his cousins and moving him away from the rest of my family. It's an internal struggle.

[turtle1120]

Tell your ExH he's lucky P has his last name at all, and removing your last name is absolutely out of the question. You're always going to be the one at doctor's appointments with P, registering P for school, etc. It makes sense that your last name is part of the equation.

Through the whole big mess with my Ex, the one thing I will never regret is giving DD my last name.

[prettyinpearls]

Tell him you’ll discuss this matter if that situation arises (you remarry and take your H’s last name). Until then, there is NOTHING to discuss. Then ignore.

[roselis]

I think what you did was more than fair.
If any name is to be dropped, it should be his.

[aliciar6]

my friend has a child with an ex, never married, their daughter's last name is hyphenated her mained name, his last name. when she did marry and took her now ex husband's last name, her first daughter's name never changed and it wasn't an issue...i don't think she ever changed her second daughter's last name back to her maiden name.

what you did was fair and i'd leave it...he can get over it.

Also maybe your son will want to change it. I know my brother's oldest daughter, not biologically his, wants to have their family name, like everyone else, i think legally she has her monther's maiden name, but the bio father won't go for that.

[stephbfan]

And why is he bringing it up now? Trying to stir some drama?

He is crazy and should be grateful you even used his last name for P.

And as my ex and I say, we will have to deal with each other for the rest of our lives not just until DD turns 18. You are definitely my hero!

[achase123]

Oct 4, 2012 12:41:53 GMT -5 calle28 said:

he should be grateful you put his last name on the birth certificate at all!

he's just being a drama king. i would take prettyinpearl's advice, tell him you'll discuss this again if and when the situation arises, but until then, there's nothing to discuss.

PERFECT!

[BookLover]

I think how you have it is just fine! I wouldn't change it, unless you want to drop your ex's name.

When my kiddo was born, I wanted to hyphenate the kiddo's last name. However, my ex filed the birth certificate and it didn't happen. I tried in the divorce, but I got a no go. When the kiddo is old enough, I'll see if she want to change it to my maiden name and I will change my name back then too.

[awick14]

Achase you did the right thing!

Ignore your stupid XH.

When my sister gave birth to her daughter, at 16, my father went behind her back an changed the last name on my nieces birth certificate. My sister wouldn't speak to my dad for weeks. After she got over it she has never been happier. (The dad is similar to your XH, in an out of jail, parents were always think he is right etc)

[Deleted]

Do not drop your name! He is your child as well...why should his name be the only one on the BC?

[achase123]

I think the motive behind this can be summed up in one word: control!