My observation tonight

[naeljun]

I worked very late so I am a little bit tired and snarky but I observed something tonight that I sort of already knew but kind of thought no, that can't be it.

I am not thin. At all. I'm not morbidly obese either. I am 5'4" and weigh about 180. I carry most of my weight in my upper body so I am shaped like a raspberry. I wear a size 10/12 pant and a large top. I'm pretty solid.

I assume the reason I never get hit on is because I am not thin. I think I am realtively attractive. I'm not drop dead gorgeous with awesome hair and skin but I'm not unattractive.

This is going to sound mean but I'm going to say it anyway. You can flame me if you want. No big deal to me.

I was out tonight with a few friends and there were these 2 guys hanging at the bar. There were these 2 women sitting at a table next to bar. One looked a lot older than she probably was and had this short, curly, old lady hair style and the other one was full of wrinkles and looked about 40 or so by the way she was dressed. Niether one of these women were attractive in the least. I actually thought they were kind of ugly and looked old. Well these 2 guys were talking to them. They were about late 30, early 40 (I'm 41) and one of them was kind of cute. I was looking at him from my table on the other side of the bar but I wasn't in an area where I could just start talking to him.

Anyway, my obersvation is that guys in my area don't care what you look like as long as you are thin. I really believe that. So I decided when I lose my 40 lbs and I start getting hit on again, I am going to say Fuck you to all of them. Shallow mother fuckers.

[blackkitty]

sounds scientifically sound logic to me!

[bullygirl979]

I've seen pics of you. You ARE pretty! And yes, some people are shallow.

Just a thought, but are you sure they didn't know each other?

[naeljun]

Oct 4, 2012 21:17:10 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I've seen pics of you. You ARE pretty! And yes, some people are shallow.

Just a thought, but are you sure they didn't know each other?

No. They didn't. I watched the whole thing unfold.

[BlueBayou]

Oct 4, 2012 21:17:10 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I've seen pics of you. You ARE pretty! And yes, some people are shallow.

Just a thought, but are you sure they didn't know each other?

This too!

[livinitup]

Yes, it's offensive and called "Butter Face" - She's hot, but. her. face.

Stop looking for validation for your worth and beauty at a bar. These guys suck - in a really bad way.

[Deleted]

I feel this way all the time . I think I'm attractive, but I'm a size 16. I really, really feel that most guys(at least that I've been exposed to) really prefer thin women. Even on match, most guys prefer slender or athletic types. I find it so aggravating!

[naeljun]

Oct 4, 2012 21:33:26 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I feel this way all the time . I think I'm attractive, but I'm a size 16. I really, really feel that most guys(at least that I've been exposed to) really prefer thin women. Even on match, most guys prefer slender or athletic types. I find it so aggravating!

Exactly. I go out, I smile, laugh, look around, engage, walk tall, and nothing. It's so depressing to go from being the girl who everyone looked at to not even getting a glance. I still try to get those looks though.

[doriswe]

Oct 4, 2012 21:36:01 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Oct 4, 2012 21:33:26 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I feel this way all the time . I think I'm attractive, but I'm a size 16. I really, really feel that most guys(at least that I've been exposed to) really prefer thin women. Even on match, most guys prefer slender or athletic types. I find it so aggravating!

Exactly. I go out, I smile, laugh, look around, engage, walk tall, and nothing. It's so depressing to go from being the girl who everyone looked at to not even getting a glance. I still try to get those looks though.

I don't remember the last time I was hit on at the bar, to be honest. I think I'm cute, but I'm sure as hell not thin and drop dead gorgeous. Thing is, I don't wait for dudes to approach me, I just approach dudes and strike up a conversation.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2012 21:36:01 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Oct 4, 2012 21:33:26 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I feel this way all the time . I think I'm attractive, but I'm a size 16. I really, really feel that most guys(at least that I've been exposed to) really prefer thin women. Even on match, most guys prefer slender or athletic types. I find it so aggravating!

Exactly. I go out, I smile, laugh, look around, engage, walk tall, and nothing. It's so depressing to go from being the girl who everyone looked at to not even getting a glance. I still try to get those looks though.

I hear you..it stinks. But we have to remember that there ARE guys out there that aren't shallow dicks...we just have to find them . Really, being a size 2 instead of 12 or 6 instead of 16 doesn't make a person better or worse. We are who we are and that won't change no matter what size we are! So screw the jerks who are looking for a Barbie doll.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2012 21:46:54 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 4, 2012 21:36:01 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Exactly. I go out, I smile, laugh, look around, engage, walk tall, and nothing. It's so depressing to go from being the girl who everyone looked at to not even getting a glance. I still try to get those looks though.

I don't remember the last time I was hit on at the bar, to be honest. I think I'm cute, but I'm sure as hell not thin and drop dead gorgeous. Thing is, I don't wait for dudes to approach me, I just approach dudes and strike up a conversation.

For me, it's not about a bar really. It's in general. Whether it be on a dating sight, or in real life...guys always seem to flock to the thinner chicks. I listen to some of the conversations of my male coworkers...they always seem to choose an ok looking thin girl over a beautiful girl who is a little bigger. All the guys are currently pining over this girl who IMO has nothing pretty about her except her athletic little sexy body.

[blondnearby]

I think a lot of it depends on how you are as a person. Some men just prefer thin women. However, I am not thin now and I can't tell you how much I have been hit on in the last 2 weeks. I feel better about myself, therefore, I am more confident and more approachable as well. Before I lost this weight, I still had guys hit on me it just wasn't as frequent.
As far as online dating, I have no less than 3 new guys message everyday that I am active. My profile lists me as having "a few extra pounds." Obviously that's not based on my approachability but it could also be my pictures and what my profile says.

[leslieknope]

I too have observed this, both online and IRL. It can be very frustrating. I gained a lot of weight during my marriage and going back into the dating world with added pounds (and added years) has definitely been an difficult adjustment for me. It definitely takes a toll on the self confidence.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Not that I know anything about these women, or the guys, but sometimes dudes in bars are just looking for a hole to stick it in. It in no way reflects on you, other than you don't look cheap and/or easy.
(I mean that as a compliment, I hope it sounds that way.)

[bookworm]

Oct 4, 2012 21:25:11 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Yes, it's offensive and called "Butter Face" - She's hot, but. her. face.

Stop looking for validation for your worth and beauty at a bar. These guys suck - in a really bad way.

Hmm, why do the guys the OP is talking about suck in a really bad way?

Attraction is different for everyone. The OP is putting down the looks of 2 other women, yet the guys she is talking about are shallow and suck? We don't know what is going on in these guys heads.

Sometimes I talk to guys that I don't think are omg sexy, but I just want to have a conversation and like to get to know new people. Is everyone that chooses to talk to "ugly" thin people over fatter "pretty" people shallow?

OP I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope that you're able to meet someone that makes you feel sexy and happy.

[Deleted]

One looked a lot older than she probably was and had this short, curly, old lady hair style and the other one was full of wrinkles and looked about 40 or so by the way she was dressed.

Im sorry but you are doing the same exact thing that you are bitching the guys out for. You are saying these guys shouldnt be interested in these two women because they werent attractive. THE SAME EXACT thing you are saying men suck for because of "size".

Maybe they like wrinkly old women who are in their 40's. (most of my friends are in their 40's and not covered in wrinkles. I wont even touch the dress comment.

I have never been small. I have gone from average to heavy and back around again. Some times when i was small i had problems meeting people, sometimes when i was bigger i did not. There are a lot of people who have preferences on what they are attracted to and thank god they all are different.
I prefer men who have hair...does that make me open from judgement from others? Some women like blondes, green eyes, etc.

My point is there are always people who are going to make their first physical meeting their deciding factor, but there are those who dont, but you are just as guilty as them with the comments you made. I know it is frustrating, but dont become 1 of those people...you are better than that!

[udscoobychick]

I'm a size 4 on the bottom, 6 on top. I have a very athletic build, so while I am not slim/delicate, I am definitely in shape. I'm an attractive person. I don't get hit on. Ever. It's all about attitude. I'm very shy and get very uncomfortable in bars, and this shows. I really don't think it's about size.

[jojoandleo]

Yeah, I am thin, and I have never been one to get hit on in bars. I am told I give "unapproachable face"-which I think is a nice way of saying "bitch face". My mother, who is in her 50s and a size 12-14, gets hit on all the time. She is super friendly and talks to strangers and smiles at everyone. When we went to Italy together, she got hit on left and right; people only talked to me to translate for my mom.

[bowies]

MrsRad said what I was going to say. And mags/bookworm also made really good points. You don't know the motivations of those guys. Maybe they were looking for women putting out a "trolling for dick" vibe. Maybe they were exceedingly lazy and it became a proximity thing. Maybe, because there were two of them, they felt more comfortable approaching another twosome instead of a group of ladies. Maybe these guys overheard their conversation and found them interesting. Maybe you are right and they're just looking for skinny women. So what? Do you want a dude like that? Are you really losing out here, or are they? I wouldn't want to date a guy who was only after me for the way I filled out my jeans.

I had major hang ups about how I looked when I started dating. Not many guys messaged me and if they did, it was over after one date. It was slowly killing my self-confidence. Eventually two things changed that - my XBF and my BFF. My XBF was the first guy I clicked with after my divorce. One night I told him how hard dating had been for me, and he said he wasn't surprised. That I wasnt a "dating" kind of woman. In his words, I had my shit together so insecure men were intimidated by me. I let it be known through my words and actions that I wasn't looking for a random fling, and so those kind of men left me alone.

After he and I broke up, my BFF and I were both in the dating world at the same time. This caused massive anxiety because I thought for sure I'd have even less dates. See, my BFF is drop-dead gorgeous. She is an achase clone and has a flirty, extrovert personality. I was doomed, doomed I tell ya! Except I wasn't. She had the same experiences I did - guys would blow her off online or she'd have one-and-done dates. She dated a couple of jerks looking for arm candy. It dawned on me that it's hard out there for everyone. Sure she had more raging douchers to sort through than I did, but was I really jealous of that? Newp. Eventually we both met great guys. Her BF is attracted to her, not me, and vice versa. My FI is attracted to me and not her, and vice versa. Different strokes for different folks.

[naeljun]

Oct 4, 2012 23:42:23 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Yeah, it has to do with the "vibe" you are putting out. I'm not thin, I'm not large either. I would say I have a shape that closer to a shorter Christina Hendricks. I can go out totally dolled up and looking like sex in heels but also putting out a vibe that I don't want to be talked to.. And don't get hit on a single time. I can also go out with my hair in a top knot, no makeup, flip flops and sweats and get hit on twice in a single block. It really is the vibe that you broadcast, I think.

I also have a friend that's 5'5" and probably about 275. But she just lets off this glow. You look at her and you just know that she is completely comfortable in her own skin and could care less about her weight, and men flock to her. And this is in an area that tons of shallow and superficial men are at.

Perhaps those 2 older women were putting out a one-night-stand vibe and those guys were just looking for something easy. Or not. It could be a million different things.

Do you think it's possible that when you go out you are giving off a feeling of insecurity or being unhappy with the way you look?

It really depends but I thought I looked great last night. Redid my makeup before I left work, had a super cute outfit on and walked in with confidence. There are times though that I don't care.

[bookworm]

Oct 5, 2012 5:32:28 GMT -5 mags said:

One looked a lot older than she probably was and had this short, curly, old lady hair style and the other one was full of wrinkles and looked about 40 or so by the way she was dressed.

Im sorry but you are doing the same exact thing that you are bitching the guys out for. You are saying these guys shouldnt be interested in these two women because they werent attractive. THE SAME EXACT thing you are saying men suck for because of "size".

Maybe they like wrinkly old women who are in their 40's. (most of my friends are in their 40's and not covered in wrinkles. I wont even touch the dress comment.

I have never been small. I have gone from average to heavy and back around again. Some times when i was small i had problems meeting people, sometimes when i was bigger i did not. There are a lot of people who have preferences on what they are attracted to and thank god they all are different.
I prefer men who have hair...does that make me open from judgement from others? Some women like blondes, green eyes, etc.

My point is there are always people who are going to make their first physical meeting their deciding factor, but there are those who dont, but you are just as guilty as them with the comments you made. I know it is frustrating, but dont become 1 of those people...you are better than that!

Very well said.

[clw]

Oct 4, 2012 22:22:34 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Oct 4, 2012 22:15:15 GMT -5 blondnearby said:

I think a lot of it depends on how you are as a person. Some men just prefer thin women. However, I am not thin now and I can't tell you how much I have been hit on in the last 2 weeks. I feel better about myself, therefore, I am more confident and more approachable as well. Before I lost this weight, I still had guys hit on me it just wasn't as frequent.
As far as online dating, I have no less than 3 new guys message everyday that I am active. My profile lists me as having "a few extra pounds." Obviously that's not based on my approachability but it could also be my pictures and what my profile says.

I agree. I have gone out with friends that are far skinnier and prettier than me but they aren't very approachable. Lots of men don't prefer thin women. The men i have been with recently want women with curves, that are soft and sexy. smiling and being confident and happy is very attractive

This!!

I am by far the biggest girl within my friend group. Size 16, I've never been a small girl. I'm tall 5'9", I have big bone structure and my middle is my biggest problem area with shapely legs and small boobs (like super small) . I am extremely outgoing, very confident and quite witty most of the time and never had problems getting the guy. My friends are usually shocked and made comments to me and others that when went out, especially in my early to mid-20's, that I was the girl that either left with the hottest guy in the bar or left with a pocket full of numbers and they couldn't get why because I'm not skinny or the prettiest girl and they are by far better looking than me (in their opinion, of course!) I'm not tooting my own horn at all but it probably not you (and I've seen your picture, your gorgeous), it's the guy! Maybe they think you're unapproachable because you're pretty and they probably think that they didn't have a chance with you? Relax and keep doing what you're doing...

[bullygirl979]

Oct 5, 2012 8:06:47 GMT -5 bowies said:

MrsRad said what I was going to say. And mags/bookworm also made really good points. You don't know the motivations of those guys. Maybe they were looking for women putting out a "trolling for dick" vibe. Maybe they were exceedingly lazy and it became a proximity thing. Maybe, because there were two of them, they felt more comfortable approaching another twosome instead of a group of ladies. Maybe these guys overheard their conversation and found them interesting. Maybe you are right and they're just looking for skinny women. So what? Do you want a dude like that? Are you really losing out here, or are they? I wouldn't want to date a guy who was only after me for the way I filled out my jeans.

I had major hang ups about how I looked when I started dating. Not many guys messaged me and if they did, it was over after one date. It was slowly killing my self-confidence. Eventually two things changed that - my XBF and my BFF. My XBF was the first guy I clicked with after my divorce. One night I told him how hard dating had been for me, and he said he wasn't surprised. That I wasnt a "dating" kind of woman. In his words, I had my shit together so insecure men were intimidated by me. I let it be known through my words and actions that I wasn't looking for a random fling, and so those kind of men left me alone.

After he and I broke up, my BFF and I were both in the dating world at the same time. This caused massive anxiety because I thought for sure I'd have even less dates. See, my BFF is drop-dead gorgeous. She is an achase clone and has a flirty, extrovert personality. I was doomed, doomed I tell ya! Except I wasn't. She had the same experiences I did - guys would blow her off online or she'd have one-and-done dates. She dated a couple of jerks looking for arm candy. It dawned on me that it's hard out there for everyone. Sure she had more raging douchers to sort through than I did, but was I really jealous of that? Newp. Eventually we both met great guys. Her BF is attracted to her, not me, and vice versa. My FI is attracted to me and not her, and vice versa. Different strokes for different folks.

:::giving bowies a standing ovation:::

[jade28]

Oct 4, 2012 21:26:57 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

I dont know.. I suppose some men are like that but I think confidence, smiling and being approachable is what attracts men in random public places. I know lots of skinny girls that never get hit on because they aren't approachable. I am a similar size - size 8 on bottom, large on top but people find me easily approachable for some reason.

I agree with this 100 percent. I am reasonably attractive and thin but never get hit on at bars, etc. My guy friends all say it's because I don't make eye contact so I don't appear approachable. It's true. I am shy at first and hate making eye contact. When I interact with guys more casually and they see I am a happy, smiley person, I get asked out then. It's all about the eyes!

[stephbfan]

I think I have said this before but I never get hit on at bars. It has happened maybe once in my life.

Now regarding the weight. I weight the same as I did before I had DD and I'm 6 years older now. I find that I attract way more people now than I did before. Why? Well because even though I have a bigger belly now and saggy boobs, I feel more confident.

Naeljun, I really think you need to work on this. You keep saying that no one wants to date you and you seem to feel bad because of that. I have previously said that I think you are beautiful and that's how you should feel and that's what you your project. If you don't go to therapy already, I would highly suggest that.

[Deleted]

I lost 20 pounds and have had no more people hitting on me. It isn't about size. If it were then everyone over a size six would be single. Which we all know not to be the case.

I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks. You mention you were confident because of your cute outfit and make up. But what about being confident because you are FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Which you are BTW.

[explorer2001]

Oct 5, 2012 8:06:47 GMT -5 bowies said:

MrsRad said what I was going to say. And mags/bookworm also made really good points. You don't know the motivations of those guys. Maybe they were looking for women putting out a "trolling for dick" vibe. Maybe they were exceedingly lazy and it became a proximity thing. Maybe, because there were two of them, they felt more comfortable approaching another twosome instead of a group of ladies. Maybe these guys overheard their conversation and found them interesting. Maybe you are right and they're just looking for skinny women. So what? Do you want a dude like that? Are you really losing out here, or are they? I wouldn't want to date a guy who was only after me for the way I filled out my jeans.

I had major hang ups about how I looked when I started dating. Not many guys messaged me and if they did, it was over after one date. It was slowly killing my self-confidence. Eventually two things changed that - my XBF and my BFF. My XBF was the first guy I clicked with after my divorce. One night I told him how hard dating had been for me, and he said he wasn't surprised. That I wasnt a "dating" kind of woman. In his words, I had my shit together so insecure men were intimidated by me. I let it be known through my words and actions that I wasn't looking for a random fling, and so those kind of men left me alone.

After he and I broke up, my BFF and I were both in the dating world at the same time. This caused massive anxiety because I thought for sure I'd have even less dates. See, my BFF is drop-dead gorgeous. She is an achase clone and has a flirty, extrovert personality. I was doomed, doomed I tell ya! Except I wasn't. She had the same experiences I did - guys would blow her off online or she'd have one-and-done dates. She dated a couple of jerks looking for arm candy. It dawned on me that it's hard out there for everyone. Sure she had more raging douchers to sort through than I did, but was I really jealous of that? Newp. Eventually we both met great guys. Her BF is attracted to her, not me, and vice versa. My FI is attracted to me and not her, and vice versa. Different strokes for different folks.

My friends tell me the same thing about being intimidating because I have my shit together and I'm obviously not looking for a fling.

[prettyinpearls]

I’ve seen a photo of you and I think you’re beautiful! Besides, you wouldn’t WANT any of those guys hitting on you since they clearly take everything at a face value.

[naeljun]

Bowies - I love what you said.

And the rest of you are probably right. Maybe I am giving out the vibe that I am not interested but I don't think that is the case.

I need to get back to therapy stat.

[wrathofkuus]

Oct 5, 2012 5:32:28 GMT -5 mags said:

One looked a lot older than she probably was and had this short, curly, old lady hair style and the other one was full of wrinkles and looked about 40 or so by the way she was dressed.

Im sorry but you are doing the same exact thing that you are bitching the guys out for. You are saying these guys shouldnt be interested in these two women because they werent attractive. THE SAME EXACT thing you are saying men suck for because of "size".

Maybe they like wrinkly old women who are in their 40's. (most of my friends are in their 40's and not covered in wrinkles. I wont even touch the dress comment.

I have never been small. I have gone from average to heavy and back around again. Some times when i was small i had problems meeting people, sometimes when i was bigger i did not. There are a lot of people who have preferences on what they are attracted to and thank god they all are different.
I prefer men who have hair...does that make me open from judgement from others? Some women like blondes, green eyes, etc.

My point is there are always people who are going to make their first physical meeting their deciding factor, but there are those who dont, but you are just as guilty as them with the comments you made. I know it is frustrating, but dont become 1 of those people...you are better than that!

Thank God for Mags, because I thought I'd slipped into some crazy alternate universe.