How do you get through the mornings? Update at end

[divajane]

(This post brought to you by the horrible morning I just had, which resulting in myself, DS, and DD all crying on the way to daycare and me being 30 minutes late to work. Also, this is going to be long).

Clifs notes:
DS isn't a morning person and is an extreeeemly high spirited child, I need some tips for motivating him/getting him to get ready in a timely so that I don't go crazy.

Long version:
I need some help getting my kids (4yo DS, 2yo DD) ready and out the door in the morning. I have to do it all by myself, DH is out the door before the kids even wake up. Right now I am getting the kids up about 45-50 minutes before we need to be leaving, and I still can't seem to get everything done on time. Today it took us an hour and 20 minutes to get out the door.

The main problem we are having is that DS is not a morning person, and everything we do is a battle. He hates waking up, going to the bathroom, getting dressed, etc. So I have to try to convince him to do it and/or spend time punishing him for not listening. At least once every morning he yells at/hits me and I have to deal with consequences for that. Which takes up even more time and makes us even later, which makes me more stressed/angry, which makes it harder for me to deal with his behavior. It is a horrible cycle, and I can't seem to figure out how to break it.

Things we have tried:

• Setting out his clothes/packing his bag the night before. DH is supposed to do this with DS, and when he does it makes the morning better. He forgot last night, hence part of the reason for the meltdown this morning
  
• Sticker chart for getting ready without arguing. 3 stickers in a week equals a prize of his choosing. This worked for the first week, and then he decided it was too much work, it seemed like the reward was too delayed for him.
  

So, any other suggestions? My ultimate goal is to have a morning where they clearly understand what is expected of them, and have the skills they need to accomplish it, but I don't know how to do that in an age/temperament appropriate way. My mom suggested just setting a timer and telling the kids that when it goes off they are getting in the van no matter what, but I am scared that they are too young to understand how a timer works, will just sleep/play/mope until it goes off and then meltdown as I carry them screaming in their pajamas out the door. I thought about doing some sort of "chore" chart with pictures of all of their tasks, but I don't know how to convey the urgency, that they must do it in a timely manner. What do you think? Also, any references suggestions for expert opinions on this?

[divajane]

Other things that might be relevant:

DD just turned 2, and is all of a sudden much more high needs than she was a month ago, which means I have to focus on her a lot more than I used to, which means I have very little time for DS now. She is also starting to become more obstinate in teh mornings, whereas previously she was very easy to handle.

Also, we switched daycare for both kids 2 weeks ago, so that they are in the same town as DS's new preschool. Previously their daycare was on my way to work and I could leave about 7:30 to get there in time. Now I have to drive 5 miles in the opposite direction, so we need to leave the house at 7:15 to get there in time. Somehow though, we are not able to get out of the house until 7:35 or 7:40 (even later than we were with the old daycare).

[luvmagoldn]

I feel your pain. We started using the Melissa & Doug magnetic responsibility chart and it has helped a ton.

The boys see the list of responsibilities and are told to "work your list" when they start wandering around.

The categories we have are eat breakfast, take medicine, brush teeth, get dressed, put pJ's in the hamper, put on shoes/backpack.

The categories are visual and I had to make a couple myself by taping a picture onto the magnetic strip but it works.

There is no reward attached to any of this, other than seeing they have a smiley face next to each responsibility (each child has their own color). They really do like to see that.

We don't use the whole week aspect because I haven't figured out how to do that with three kids using the one chart. We start fresh each day.

Maybe something like this would help?

[Deleted]

Are they getting enough sleep? "Not a morning person" can also mean "too tired to behave well".

They're definitely too young to be very independent - strong routine and simple, short directions for one thing at a time are key.

[cjeanette]

Oct 5, 2012 9:54:44 GMT -5 luvmagoldn said:

I feel your pain. We started using the Melissa & Doug magnetic responsibility chart and it has helped a ton.

The boys see the list of responsibilities and are told to "work your list" when they start wandering around.

The categories we have are eat breakfast, take medicine, brush teeth, get dressed, put pJ's in the hamper, put on shoes/backpack.

The categories are visual and I had to make a couple myself by taping a picture onto the magnetic strip but it works.

There is no reward attached to any of this, other than seeing they have a smiley face next to each responsibility (each child has their own color). They really do like to see that.

We don't use the whole week aspect because I haven't figured out how to do that with three kids using the one chart. We start fresh each day.

Maybe something like this would help?

This. We have that chart and use it differently.

[dr.girlfriend]

Is there something he really likes you could reward him with, like, "If you get ready quickly you can watch X on t.v. until it's time to leave?" I would also wonder about bedtime/quality of sleep if he's very sleepy in the morning. Can you make his bedtime earlier? Does he have issues with snoring/nightmares/sleepwalking or other disturbances of sleep?

LOL, I'll sound like I'm a crazy briber, but DS used to eat a cereal bar in the morning (he gets "real breakfast" at daycare) and I started giving it to him in the car. Now when he is grousing about getting in the car I ask, "What kind of cereal bar do you want?" and he refocuses on the car. Our car is covered in crumbs but I hardly ever miss my train any more.

[8675309]

My mornings are a super cluster. I cannot imagine having to do that much in a short amount of time. We have 1 1/2hrs from wake up to leaving and my DH also leaves before they get up. Stressful is an understatement.

With that said, I think your kids need a more immediate gratification for the chart. We use a sticker chart and DD (2.5yrs) is rewarded with a jelly bean that she can take with her to daycare....ONLY if she does all her morning duties. We also have a chart for the evenings and if she gets all those stickers, she is rewarded with teddy grahams with her milk before bed.

As she gets older I am sure I will be able to stretch out the bribes but for now it's working blissfully!

[cjeanette]

Oct 5, 2012 10:37:57 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

Is there something he really likes you could reward him with, like, "If you get ready quickly you can watch X on t.v. until it's time to leave?" I would also wonder about bedtime/quality of sleep if he's very sleepy in the morning. Can you make his bedtime earlier? Does he have issues with snoring/nightmares/sleepwalking or other disturbances of sleep?

LOL, I'll sound like I'm a crazy briber, but DS used to eat a cereal bar in the morning (he gets "real breakfast" at daycare) and I started giving it to him in the car. Now when he is grousing about getting in the car I ask, "What kind of cereal bar do you want?" and he refocuses on the car. Our car is covered in crumbs but I hardly ever miss my train any more.

It's not bribing it's positive reinforcement

[evynsmama]

For DD she can be a pill if her blood sugar is low in the morning, as soon as she gets some milk or food in her tummy she returns to my sweet little girl. Have you tried giving DS a sippy cup of milk to drink in bed when you wake him up? Then you can come back in a couple minutes to get him dressed. He may have the same low blood sugar resulting in super crankiness.

[luvmagoldn]

The time issue is interesting. My neighbor has a singleton and triplets and she swears the less time she gives them the easier their mornings go. Her kids are all school aged but she allows 29 (!) minutes from wake up to out the door to catch the bus. No time to mess around, dawdle, etc.

Just a thought that might work for some.

[CloudBee]

Oct 5, 2012 15:52:52 GMT -5 luvmagoldn said:

The time issue is interesting. My neighbor has a singleton and triplets and she swears the less time she gives them the easier their mornings go. Her kids are all school aged but she allows 29 (!) minutes from wake up to out the door to catch the bus. No time to mess around, dawdle, etc.

Just a thought that might work for some.

I do better with fire beneath me, so I can totally understand how this works for some. I give myself about 30 minutes to get ready in the AM, and hope that once the baby comes I can do it all in an hour or less.

We shall see, though!

I like deadlines, and minimal time to prep is like a deadline to me.

[sweetnsour]

My husband gets my son dressed when he is sleeping. Basically that is how he wakes him up. If he wakes up before he is dressed, he will get himself dressed but it took a consistent routine to get there. We have to be careful the routine stays the same, otherwise meltdowns will happen. We bribe/punish him with TV and do a chart. It was a chore chart that I write tasks for the week. For example, Get himself dressed, got into the car, good at drop off, listen, be respectful and then at dinner we allocate the stars. On the weekend we take him to TCBY to make his own frozen yogurt if he has the stars. My son is four and my daughter is almost 2 so my hubby gets my son ready then the 2year old. That way he does have one on one time with each.

[fakejew]

How old is your son?

Can you relegate some of the getting ready to his school?

For example the only thing my son does at home before he is dropped off at school is get dressed. He eats breakfast and brushes his teeth at school. He doesn't even have time to potty at home. I let him sleep until about 5 min. before we leave, then wake him up, help him get dressed and we're out the door. outfit is picked out the night before. It doesn't always go smoothly, but that's my way to minimize the fight.

[whattheheck]

One at a time. First you get up and get completely ready. Then get DS up and get him COMPLETELY ready. We do: get up, get dressed (so still in his room); then bathroom - potty, wash face, brush hair & teeth; then kitchen: eat breakfast. So you never have to backtrack. Then while he is eating breakfast, start with DD: same order. That way you are only dealing with one person/child at a time. You can stand over them until they are sittiing at the breakfast table. If number one is finished while number is two is still getting ready - distract/reward them with a coloring sheet, puzzle, even TV or electronics. At that young I could not handle dealing with them both simultaneously in the morning. As soon as I let my attention wander from one, that one would become distracted and not do what I asked.

[bunch]

I have no real world experience here but the book I just read (love and logic magic) suggests giving him a clock, putting a big sticker on where the hand will hit when you leave and then letting him deal with the consequences. If he hasn't gotten dressed or eaten breakfast, tough shit, he goes to dc with his clothes in his backpack and hungry. The idea is that it'll only take once or twice before he gets the hint. I had a friend who had some big add issues growing up and this is what his mom did with him. It was the only thing that worked.

[divajane]

So, we tried several new things this morning, and it was a success!

First, I ordered the magnetic chore board recommended, and also this timer www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-LLC-8%2522-Inch/dp/B000J5OFW0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349714743&sr=8-1&keywords=time+timer.

Yesterday we went through the chore chart with DS, and also showed him how the new timer would work. We explained the new routine in the mornings, and how everything would work. He seemed really excited about being able to check the chart himself and put the magnets on when he was finished with each task. I also told him that he would only have 30 minutes to get ready (instead of the 45-50 we used to have), so he would have to go, go go to get everything done and that there wasn't any time for playing until the chart was finished. Finally, I told him that I knew it was hard for him to get moving when he first woke up, so I would bring him in a glass of chocolate milk and let him drink it for 10 minutes before I actually "woke" him up to get started.

Last night after bath, DH helped DS set out all his clothes and make sure his bag was packed for school. At bedtime, we again reminded DS about the new routine and he seemed excited!

This morning I took his milk in and told him he could drink it and wake up slowly, and I would be back in 10 minutes to get him up. Instead of growling/yelling/swatting at me like he usually does, he took the milk and nodded! THEN, he got out of bed on his own before the 10 minutes was up and started working on his chart.

He got dressed all on his own, and even helped his sister put on her shoes this morning! Even though I got both kids out of bed about 20 minutes later than usual, we were out the door 10 minutes earlier! I got to work on time for the first time in a week. So, thank you to everyone for all of your suggestions last week, hopefully this is a trend we can continue.

[Ashley&Scott]

Awesome update!! So glad things went better this morning, love that he was so excited & happier

(I'm going to remember these ideas for when M gets older)

[pugz]

yay!!

[atouchofklasse]

That's wonderful.

[Deleted]

Awesome! I need to remember the recommendations here.

[curbsideprophet]

That is great news, I hope it continues to go well!

[MadamePresident]

Good to hear!

[luvmagoldn]

Great news! Thanks for the update.

[GailGoldie]

something we have been doing now that the boys have to be ready for the bus at a certain time (before in daycare time wasn't as big of a deal) is that we make DS1 go right to the bathroom when he wakes up - so that really wakes him up - and then we have him get dressed right away and brush his teeth/hair.... THEN he can eat breakfast - that way we don't have him wasting time eating really slowly when he first wakes up - and then having to rush to get dressed, etc.

my twins are pretty good about getting ready fast - they wake up much eaiser than DS1.

i ahve to do it all on my own frequently when dh travels... i'm always amazed that i get it done- but it works out. everything prepped the night before that i can (outfits, food, etc) helps a lot.

[hannamaren]

Good news.