We can't afford that...

[Becca]

A couple of months ago, I realized that my DD was getting spoiled. I was feeling so badly over the rough year that she has had, that I was buying her everything she asked for.

So, I started telling her "we don't have enough money for that". Which wasn't true, and it broke my heart (I heard it all the time when I was little).

I switched tactics and instead have been talking to her about saving and budgeting and making wise choices. So, instead of "we don't have enough money" I say, "that isn't in the budget". But, I am still struggling with how to reinforce concepts.

She is pretty smart for three and wants to help with the budget. ie - the kids across the street got one of those huge blow-up waterslide thngs that cost $300. She really wants one, and keeps asking how much soccer and dance cost, and if she gives them up and doesnt get any new toys all year, will she make enough room in the budget to get a slide. Oye.

She also wants a Rapunzel doll. So, I printed out pictures of them, with boxes to color in (300 for the slide and 25 for the doll) and as she earns money she can choose what to allocate it to, and color a box in. She is dead set on saving enough for that dumb slide. (and if my 3 yo somehow manage to save $300 I will let her get it)

How are other parents teaching about money and saving/budgeting? I would love some more ideas!

[slug*bug]

We're not quite there yet w/DS...but I love the idea of earning money/working toward a goal: I'd have a very hard time not contributing 'matching money' toward the slide if DS was as dedicated as your DD. That's pretty cute!

[Willis Jackson]

I haven't really started yet, but my parents just did not buy us non-necessities. Period. They gave us toys for birthdays and Christmas, and if we made noise about wanting stuff we were told to save or mention it to Santa.

They bought us clothes, food, extra-curriculars, and activities (movies, amusement parks, etc) but we were responsible for our own "stuff". When we were older and wanted to go to the movies with our friends, we were responsible for that too.

I'm planning to do something similar for my kids. As it is, I have not bought DS a toy in his presence so it doesn't occur to him (yet) to ask for it.

[Becca]

Well, I don't actually want the slide, so I have incentive not to match

Besides, she scores a $20 from her grandpa every time she sees him, and we have an 'extra chore' list that she can do to earn money, and has been working her little bum off. Plus, she has a baking obsession (AW: www.youtube.com/watch?v=WK2bSqMm1Hc&sns=em) and the neighbors have been paying her to make muffins and cupcakes. Seriously - I just had an order texted to me this morning, lol. She has plenty of income sources for a 3 yo.

[Willis Jackson]

OMG that video! So many adorable quotes.

"Oops! Accidents happen."
"God made me to bake. And watch TV."

[Becca]

May 20, 2012 11:38:19 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

OMG that video! So many adorable quotes.


"God made me to bake. And watch TV."

Hahaha, that is my favorite

[Deleted]

That video is so cute! I'm not much help w the budget bc DS has never asked for a toy so I've never bought him one (he's only 2.5) but I say if she earns the money and saves it she
Can buy the slide.

[Deleted]

Also, if she is selling her baked goods I'd also probably have her pay for the supplies to make them.

[drloretta]

When I was growing up, my parents would often buy me a trinket whenever they went out anywhere. I got used to getting a present every time someone walked in the door, and my parents decided to nip it in the bud. They simply told me that I shouldn't expect something every time they go somewhere. Done.

DD is only 2, but she pulled that with me the other week. I told her the same thing my parents did. She isn't always going to get a present.

[GailGoldie]

i don't think you need to discuss money at all - just simply say "you don't get presents all the time... presents are for special occaions - birthday, christmas, etc". My sons understand that - and as my older son has gotten bigger we do talk a bit about money and things being expensive, etc....

But more importantly -we talk about all teh things he DOES have - and how fortunate he is for them. That's the most important thing IMO- is for my children to be thankful for what they have and not always want.... it's hard - we all WANT things- but we need reality checks to remember how much we have.

i remind Griffin that some kids don't have any toys and he has a ton - etc - and then he'll say "ok i'll put that on my Christmas list instead!".

We will look for opportunities to get him the things he really wants - when he graduates from prek, Easter, Christmas, birthday, etc.... and small things - like the other day was the first time he swam all alone at swim class - so DH let him get a small toy, etc. But otherwise we don't buy toys at stores for no reason- and he knows that.

[MadamePresident]

Her baking video is adorable!!

[SusanBAnthony]

Ds just started really being interested in money so we started giving him an allowance. 4$ a week, since he is 4. So far he has bed enough for a lamp (he has a light obsession) for his room, and hasn't spend a dime otherwise. But now when he whines that he wants ice cream or whatever, I tell him he can spend his money if he wants. He usually says no.

When we deny a large request, I usually phrase it in terms of our values. " we are not going to buy that because daddy and I feel that kids need to play with their imagination and not have too many toys." or, we tell him he can ask for his bay, and so far 100% of the time he forgets about it.

[smiley]

just jumping in to say your daughters baking video is absolutely adorable!

[Becca]

See, it wasn't usually a matter of us being at the store and her begging for something (she is usually pretty good about that). But rather, "mom, I want a soccer ball, can we get one next time we go to Target?". And they were usually reasonable things. I just felt like it was turning into daily requests. We talk about how different families have different rules, and how she doesnt need to have everything, but I was struggling to explain our threshold for "yes, our family buys this" and "no, our family doesn't buy that". Money/budgeting seemed like a concrete way to explain part of the basis for our choices.

My three year old is sometimes more like a thirty year-old. She likes to bake, clean the bathroom and do laundry. Going to the grocery store (and the process of picking meals and making a shopping list) is one of her favorite things. Sometimes I have to force her to play with toys.

She is super inquisitive, and understands pretty detailed answers to her questions, so "because I said so" answers don't usually work well with her. She listens/obeys, but gets frustrated when she doesn't understand the 'why' behind things. It actually gets quite trying at times, but it doesn't seem fair to not engage her when she is so curious.

Anyway, that is why I went the money/budgeting route.

Thanks for the comments on her video - she is so proud of that thing and has been begging to make another.

[minzy]

Your daughter is darling! I think if she demonstrates a protracted commitment (however you define that for a 3 year old and as long as it's not so far off that she can't use the slide this summer), I would get that kid the slide. Maybe you negotiate that she doesn't get the Rapunzel doll if she gets the slide so she gets the importance of prioritizing her wants.

My kid is barely one, so I don't have a lot of experience teaching her about money yet, but we do want her to recognize the importance of giving back. For Christmas and her birthday, we have (and will going forward) donate to a charity in her honor as part of her "gift." This year I picked, but when she is older we will let her decide where to direct the money.

[definitelyO]

DS was asking for stuff at every store as well and we fell into the same trap as you. now whenever he wants something I tell him we shoud put it on his birthday or christmas list (not really fair as his birthday is in Dec). but now he asks if we can put something on his list.

we also started giving him an allowance at age 6. he has a chart with chores and he has to put his money in 3 "buckets" spend, save and donate. he can allocate the money how he wants and he's usually pretty even about it. then when there is misc stuff he wants he can use his own money. it curbs the spending pretty quickly.

[liveintheville]

Books and art supplies we don't really have a limit on. We want to encourage reading and drawing so if they want a new Elephant and Piggie book or sidewalk chalk, that's fine.

Other than that, we buy them stuff if they've out grown other things. Like, we started buying a few board and memory games as kid 1 got old enough for them.

[drloretta]

I understand that your daughter seems to be quite precocious, but I think lying to her about not affording it is a bad move, and I don't think you need to get that deep with a 3yo. If she asks for a soccer ball, and doesn't need one, and got 3 other things that week, tell her that. "No." "Why?" "Because you already got a balloon, and a treat at the bakery, and a board game. How about you play with those instead of asking for something else?"

Your approach just seems...complicated to me. if you don't want a $300 water slide, tell her it's not something you need in your yard, especially if she can use the neighbor's. She seems to have a handle on things as it stands.

[Becca]

Eh, I wasn't looking for a debate about how I choose to discipline (she is quite well behaved and i know what works for my kid) or what I allow or don't allow her to get (obviously I wouldn't have created a savings option for it if I wasn't ultimately ok with it).

Just looking for ideas to teach about money. And just because this question was about money doesn't mean that it is "always about money". Trust me, after all this child has been through in the past year, she understands that there is more to life than money as well as any three year old can.

[cookiemdough]

I don't know how letting 3 yr old use $300 of savings towards a slide is really teaching about money though. She is not really doing anything to earn money because of her age, and it is unlikely that she will forgo asking for anything else once she has the slide because that is the nature of a 3 year old.

If you don't think she needs a slide just say no. That teaches a valuable lesson that you won't get everything you want in life. I don't really think the burden should be on the parents to justify every decision they make to their child.

[drloretta]

I don't think anyone was giving you discipline lessons, and we recognize that this post wasn't about it. You wanted money management ideas, and people gave you some. DD is only 2, so money hasn't really entered the lexicon other than telling her she doesn't get a present every time we walk in the door. When she's about 4 or 5, I think we'll likely start with some sort of allowance and talk about how to prioritize. I'd like to go with my parents' approach, which was to convert to $X/month that I used to pay for all incidentals however I chose.

FWIW, and something to consider, is that my parents never encouraged us to allocate a certain amount for charity. I might do that with DD, but my parents were more of the "donate your time" kind of people, and maybe that would be something you could incorporate with your daughter. Perhaps some of her baking can go for fundraisers, etc.

If using a system of earning money and coloring things in is something that you think will work for you and her, go for it. If giving her an allowance and giving her ideas on how to allocate that $ would work better, more power to you.

My biggest concern was that you told her you hate saying "we can't afford it" when it's a lie and it's something that hurt you as a child. I was giving you some approaches to use to shut down the "I want it all" situations without having to lie to her. She sounds like a smart kid, and you got some good suggestions as to how to handle this better.

I also don't know the backstory of the year you've had. It may be that this "spoiling" really hasn't fazed her in the grand scheme of things, and it may be something you're more sensitive about than she is.

[Becca]

I guess I felt like a lot of the responses were "just say no", and no to me falls in line with discipline. Of course my DD hears the word "no" but I honestly don't have a problem providing the "why" behind my decisions. I can completely respect that that isn't the way every family works, but for us, it does.

I like your idea about charity/fundraising - thanks! I hated being forced to give X amount to my church when I was little - I like The idea of donating time, and maybe giving her some choices.

And as far as "we can't afford...." I stopped that pretty quickly and turned it into an explanation of why we weren't getting something. (for purposes of this question, I have taught her about budgeting, but of course I also explain when we don't have space/a need for something)

And as far as spoiling, it could be more my perception than hers, who knows. In a quick summary - DH got diagnosed with brain cancer (DD saw him have the seizure that led to diagnosis), recovery from his brain surgery was rough on all of us, in October my DS passed away while I was in labor due to an abruption, a week after delivery I ended up with a PE and was in the hospital for a week, two months later I ended up with gallstones and needing my gallbladder removed. I can't tell DD when I have a doctor appt, because she freaks out - she is worried that it means another week in the hospital (between me and DH, she has had on parent or another in the hospital for six weeks of the past year). Watching your three old sobbing and begging you not to die is the worst.

[Becca]

And thanks for the ideas everyone - I saw a couple that I can make work well for us

[pugz]

Becca I wanted to let you know I think about you guys a lot. Your daughter is adorable and it sounds like she is very bright and resilient.

[minzy]

Another thought - are there any cheaper water slides she might like as potential alternatives to the $300 one?

[pugz]

those bounce house slide things look pretty awesome though I was joking with my neighbors we should all chip in for one, put it in the center of the cul de sac, and charge kids from neighboring streets to use it