Delurking and need advice

[diceeyes]

Hello all. I've lurked on this board since The Nest, trying to learn courage from you all. My problem is that I am 30 and married to a Nice Guy (6 years/together 10 years), but I would rather be any where else.

I will spare you the all the details (unless you're keenly interested), but in short, I learned too late that the phrase "marry your best friend" means actually "and who's also your best friend," that spouses shouldn't be like roommates, and that he just doesn't have a personality/character that keeps pace with me (I thought his "stability" was supposed to be desirable in a partner).

Further, in the time that we have been married, I also have learned what it's like to have equal caliber friendships and what being "in love" actually is (nothing happened there). In case you're curious how someone can be so slow on the uptake, let's just say that I'm probably the poster child for asynchronous development and didn't come into my own until the last few years when I fell into an environment where everything coalesced.

Frankly, I feel that my soul is dying, and I don't want this relationship the rest of my life. The problem is that other than my unhappiness, there is nothing wrong (which, I do realize is a problem, but...). He is a neat, kind, generous, caring, and trustworthy guy. He's just not the guy for me. He's also in a life or death-type occupation where initiating divorce proceedings is always extremely untimely unless you want to be that "stereotypical" dirtbag wife.

I'm terrified of hurting him, since he is my best friend.

I am very conflicted. My shrink is pushing me to talk to him and asks why I can't explore other relationships (?), but I can't be dishonorable.

I also think I am falling for another guy, which makes me feel like a huge asshole. I can honestly say that I've never felt like this before, and it blows my mind that it even happened. But how trite and cliche is that?

So, between bouts of self-loathing and depression, I'm generally confused and not really sure what I am looking for in posting this. Advice? Support? A telling-off?

[Deleted]

Hi and welcome. It sounds like you got together at a pretty young age and it's possible you've grown apart. Or sometimes one partner 'outgrows' the other. I'm glad you're in therapy. Have you considered couples therapy? Or is your H completely unaware of your feelings? I'm sure it's difficult to say you want a divorce when the guy is "nice" and there's no significant problem. Nonetheless, you can't be unhappy. I think you really need to decide if you think it's worth staying and working on it or if you think your feelings aren't going to change. Do you have children? Are you staying for financial reasons or just out of comfort? I'm not sure why your therapist is encouraging you to explore other relationships while you are still married and haven't addressed the situation with your husband. That's pretty shitty. Also, you mentioned you may be falling for another guy...how far has this gone? Is it just a friendship that you are thinking of furthering, or has it already become something?
Many women on this board divorced scumbags(me included), but there are some that did divorce "nice guys" and hopefully they will chime in here.
You deserve happiness.

[mandimija]

You're not going to get a telling off. You married the man you were with at 20. Very few people know who the hell they are at that age. Hell, I had no clue who I was until *after* my divorce, and that was only because, for the first time in my life, I was forced to think of myself and what was best for me.

Unfortunately, you married the guy. Breakups suck, no matter what way you slice it, and this is even more true for a divorce. However, realizing that this is not the man for you is not 'dishonorable.' Being dishonorable would be staying in this marriage knowing you are unhappy, and letting the both of you live a lie.

He's a great guy. I get that. But he's just not the man for you. I'm lucky to have a fantastic guy friend. He's awesome. And I'm sure that one day, he will make someone a fantastic husband. However, that woman is not me. It looks like the same is true of your husband, and this situation is not the fault of either of you. You were young, dating a great guy, so why wouldn't you marry him? You realize later that you've grown up and grown apart, and that's okay, but don't drag this out by letting either of you remain in a marriage when you both deserve better.

Just like you deserve happiness, so does he. You deserve someone that you are absolutely in love with, and he deserves someone who is absolutely in love with him. It sucks that you can't be that for each other, but it's life. Continue therapy, but put the damn brakes on the situation with side-dude until you get this divorce (and yourself, post-divorce) sorted out.

[bullygirl979]

You won't get a telling off from me either. Here are my thoughts:

First, it is fine to want to divorce a "nice guy". I got married at 25 and was divorced by 28. In those 3 years I changed SO much. Now being 33 I am still so different than who I was at 28.

Second, I am not sure what kind of profession that would be in that you couldn't initiate a divorce unless it is timely. Unless he is deployed overseas I guess I don't get it.

Third, you need to end it with this side guy. This makes things complicated and messy. You need to figure out if you and your H are a good match. No offense but I don't think you can do that with someone else in the picture. It is like trying to stick to a diet when you have a gallon of ice cream staring at you. Don't buy the damn ice cream so you won't be tempted.

I guess my only advice is to really figure out if you think these are temporary feelings or forever. Every relationship has rough patches where you may feel more distant from someone. But I don't think you can sort that out if you have some guy that you are constantly comparing your H to. If you honestly know in your heart that you are done with your H, do him a favor (and you) and end it. You aren't being "nice" by staying with someone that you don't want to be with.

Would you consider couples counseling with him?

ETA: for what it is worth, I think you really know when you are done. Once I hit that point with my XH there was no going back. I knew it was time.

[diceeyes]

Thanks all of you.

I do want to clarify that absolutely nothing has happened with side-dude. We infrequently see each other, and when we do it's only in a group. He's just emotionally compromising me since he came out of the blue when I had completely given any belief that such individuals/relationships could exist. It's actually pretty pathetic--we really are just friends, friends who are awkwardly trying to ignore/hide that we're obviously into each other for everybody's sake. I laugh till I cry.

My husband also isn't completely clueless that we have problems. We've always had a "square peg, round hole" relationship. His current tactic "to fix things" is to just get nicer (which is better than the passive-aggressive hell of previous years).

When I have tried to talk to him in the past, he just shuts down completely and doesn't communicate. He has also always believed that I was going to leave him eventually (ouch), and that he claims that I am everything he could possibly want and can't imagine being happier (). I really don't want couples counseling, because I just want out. I realize that is selfish, but the foundation just was really never there.

Also, my shrink really is for my developmental issues, so I should probably seek out one more in tune for relationship counseling?

ETA: I think the end for me really was several years ago when I first realized the things, people, and environments I need to make me happy, but I've been staying out of loyalty and support and that I love him as a friend. Bully, you hit upon the "professional" issue. You see so many a-hole spouses in this circle, that I'd hate for that to happen to him when he deserves happiness.

[bullygirl979]

Oct 7, 2012 14:45:04 GMT -5 diceeyes said:

He's just emotionally compromising me


we really are just friends, friends who are awkwardly trying to ignore/hide that we're obviously into each other for everybody's sake.

I really don't want couples counseling, because I just want out. I realize that is selfish, but the foundation just was really never there.

Also, my shrink really is for my developmental issues, so I should probably seek out one more in tune for relationship counseling?

Sorry for the hatchet job on your post but I just wanted to leave in the points that for me really hit home.

Your relationship with that guy isn't "nothing". Sure, maybe nothing physical has happened but you are obviously emotionally involved with each other. Again, I think you need to take him OUT of the equation so you can figure out how you are feeling about your H and your marriage.

Also, if you are so "done" then why are you posting? And I really don't mean that in a snarky way. Are you looking for someone to tell you it is okay? Are you looking for someone to tell you just to go ahead and do it? What is your motivation here?

Lastly, yes. I would get a recommendation for a therapist to help you deal with these issues.

[diceeyes]

No worries on the hatchet job. I have no idea why I'm posting other than to reach out because I feel trapped.

Here's my problem in a nutshell--when would you divorce a frequently deployed military member? Before, during, or after his deployment? Would you bring up the conversation after the end of yet another 16 hour work-shift? Or perhaps on that one weekend every few weeks where he's content and relaxed?

I had a plan to just spin my wheels until his time in service is up and we could part without any additional guilt about the timing. Obviously, the emotional distress cause by the other guy has made acute what the tediousness of the situation. I'll endeavor to limit contact further, but I am unsure what more I can do short of never seeing that set of friends (which I guess will be necessary).

I have to say, even if it is not this other dude specifically, it's just the fact that I am now know that the possibility of such a relationship really existing for me is feasible that fills me with despair. I guess that's really an answer, too.

Thank you again. I probably sound like a wuss, or typical marriage malcontent, but I have no one I can talk to IRL. The guilt over being unhappy in this relationship or causing him additional grief has always made me shy away from actually pursing an ending.

Oct 7, 2012 14:57:21 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Oct 7, 2012 14:45:04 GMT -5 diceeyes said:

He's just emotionally compromising me


we really are just friends, friends who are awkwardly trying to ignore/hide that we're obviously into each other for everybody's sake.

I really don't want couples counseling, because I just want out. I realize that is selfish, but the foundation just was really never there.

Also, my shrink really is for my developmental issues, so I should probably seek out one more in tune for relationship counseling?

Sorry for the hatchet job on your post but I just wanted to leave in the points that for me really hit home.

Your relationship with that guy isn't "nothing". Sure, maybe nothing physical has happened but you are obviously emotionally involved with each other. Again, I think you need to take him OUT of the equation so you can figure out how you are feeling about your H and your marriage.

Also, if you are so "done" then why are you posting? And I really don't mean that in a snarky way. Are you looking for someone to tell you it is okay? Are you looking for someone to tell you just to go ahead and do it? What is your motivation here?

Lastly, yes. I would get a recommendation for a therapist to help you deal with these issues.

[bullygirl979]

To be quite frank, my XBF is military reserves (although you may know this from lurking).

Shit got bad and went down and I knew I had to end it. I was planning on ending it and had a date in mind. The day before THE DAY, he found out that he had to go away on a training 2 days later. I posted on here hemming and hawing about whether or not I should wait to break up with him until he got back. Not a single person from SO or TIP told me to wait until he got back. Why? Because there will ALWAYS be an excuse to put it off. And it will hurt no matter when you do it. So, again, if you think you are being "nice" by putting it off, you aren't. You are delaying the inevitable. If you truly are DONE then act on it.

[Deleted]

I agree with bully..there will always be a reason to pit it off if you think like this. If you are done, you are done. It doesn't matter about his schedule or deployment, he will have to face it either way--and so will you. Do it sooner than later if you're going to do it. Don't string him along. Will it hurt? Yes. But you will both heal and move forward.

I'm also 30 and I don't know about you, but I don't want to waste my time at this point in my life. I want to find someone to start a family with and time is ticking. Just some food for thought.

[BlueBayou]

There is NEVER a good time to announce divorce. It will always hurt someone no matter what. But if you know you aee done and dont end it you are doing more of a disservice than you know. Stop wasting his and your time. If you are not the one forhim, then you are keeping him from the one who is.

[diceeyes]

I just wanted to put up a slight update-- I spoke with him this afternoon about how I was feeling, and surprisingly he took it in stride. We haven't decided on a course of action, but will speak jointly with a therapist to get an outside opinion on whether my feelings are insurmountable relationship differences or part of my personal issues.

He doesn't feel that there is anything wrong or that there is anything that could be better, so we're at a loss about what could be fixed, but he wants me to be happy. He also understands about coming into his own in the past few years, so perhaps we have just grown apart. I just wish that something in life could spark his passion, and I regret that we aren't sparks for each other. Very sad.

[wrathofkuus]

I find myself wondering what you thought of him, and what you had originally felt for him, before you met this "friend" of yours.

[jade28]

Just remember the grass isn't greener on the other side. I know you can think you're in love and there are better people for you but people are just people and anyone who seems great or better now probably isn't. They will have issues too and may make for a great relationship. And those in love feelings probably won't last, especially since you're more likely in love with the idea of someone and not the reality of the person (after all, you haven't even been in a relationship with him).

So with that in mind, don't make this about someone else or a possible better relationship. In fact, assume the worst. There is nothing better out there. No better, totally amazing relationship. No awesome guy that totally gets you and that you are head over heels in love with. Nope, doesn't exist. Put those hopes aside because they won't help you make an informed decision and they definitely are not certainties.

All you know for sure is what you have right now with your husband. Pay attention to what exists now and who exists now. Base decisions on these realities and how you feel about it. You deserve to be happy but happiness won't come from a different guy or a different relationship. Focus on you. Focus on what you need. Focus on the kind of life you want for yourself and what it would be like to be alone and the life you would have and want - not with someone else.

[diceeyes]

The same. I may not have made it clear, but I have been in therapy for a number of years, and as you can imagine, my marriage has been a topic frequently touched on. Once things came together for me, I realized how much I compromised what I needed in a relationship because I didn't know it could ever be otherwise.

I know many on here have been burned by cheating/wandering spouses, and I'm deeply sympathetic toward that. But, I also come from an environment where people being candid and realistic about the commonness of infatuations is the norm, so I openly admitted my current one.

We've been together for 10 years, so it's not like we haven't experienced all sides of a relationship. I also know that there's got to be more to this than what we have.

Oct 8, 2012 14:41:49 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I find myself wondering what you thought of him, and what you had originally felt for him, before you met this "friend" of yours.

[Deleted]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation, although my ex wasn't a nice guy. But that's not ultimately what made me leave him. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until I experienced those sparks with a male friend (nothing physical) and realized I NEVER had those with my exh. It was then that I realized you can't force the sparks or the passion and I wasn't going to settle for a life without them. So I left. I didn't leave my husband for this other person by any means, but it made me realize that I married too young without really realizing what it is like to connect with someone.

[diceeyes]

Yes, this, exactly. Thank you for saying so. I understand how others can view it as a "grass is greener" mentality, but for me it's a striking counter-point to the nature of this relationship.

Oct 8, 2012 15:23:40 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation, although my ex wasn't a nice guy. But that's not ultimately what made me leave him. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until I experienced those sparks with a male friend (nothing physical) and realized I NEVER had those with my exh. It was then that I realized you can't force the sparks or the passion and I wasn't going to settle for a life without them. So I left. I didn't leave my husband for this other person by any means, but it made me realize that I married too young without really realizing what it is like to connect with someone.