Stupid family members.

[hannamaren]

My ILs are amazing people. Very friendly, loving, generous and very polite and proper.

But also so dumb.
My H already had to call them before arriving at their house when Layla was only a few months old to remind them not to all put their faces in the carseat as soon as we got there because she was obviously overwhelmed.

He also had to suggest that they dont all talk to her at the same time.

Today, I take Layla into the kitchen to eat. Just her and I. She is a little fussy but I know she will get to her food in a second. Except, in walks FIL, hears her fussing and starts to sing to her and play peekaboo with her. What the hell? I want her to eat! Now she is all distracted. I am trying to hint "okay, Layla lets focus on eating"
And then again 10 minutes later, my H's Aunt is doing the same thing.
I guess my H needs to have a suggestion call with them again.

And then they have the nerve when they were watching her last week to say she is fussy when she eats and I spoil her by letting her get away with it. She doesnt eat for them. She eats most of the time for me. But maybe it has something to do with them having playtime during meals.

[cricketwife]

Hanna, let's look at this through your FILs eyes.

Layla was fussing and FIL walked into the kitchen and tried to stop her from fussing. This is not something to be upset about. He's years removed from raising a baby and didn't get the picture that you were going to feed her shortly. She fussed, he responded to her. I don' t think singing and playing peekabo to a fussy baby makes your ILs dumb.

I think that you're going to need to give them direct instructions if you want something specific from them. "Thanks for singing to her but I'm ready to feed her now and as much as we love you, this will really only work well if you give us a few minutes alone."

[bronxgirl]

I agree with cricketwife that your in-laws mean well and are not dumb, but I understand your frustration. I think your best bet is to be polite but direct.

[grk2012]

How about you address the situation when it happens, rather than asking your H to make a call after the fact?

[hannamaren]

She wa in the high chair with food in front of her. It was pretty obvious she was going to eat.

I tried the hint technique of "okay, Layla focus on your food". If it was my Dad, I would have said "you are distracting her" but yes, he was meaning well and I didnt want to be rude and it wasnt the end of the world.
I was just trying to vent a little

[h]

I, too, am having a hard time seeing their behavior as "dumb." Heck, I have two kids and don't consider myself an idiot in that area, and I might very well sing to or play peekabo with a fussy baby. That seems like a very normal response to me. I get why it was not helpful or appreciated at the time, but I agree that the best way to respond would have been to just say something right then--like "thanks for trying to cheer her up, but I don't want to distract her from eating right now. If you give us a few minutes alone, she will get some food in her tummy and be a happy camper again."

[countthestars]

I understand it was frustrating. But I think you are overreacting. I think it's weird that you make your H coach his parents on how to behave in every situation. One dinner is not going to kill your baby.

[anna7602]

Oct 8, 2012 9:50:34 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

She wa in the high chair with food in front of her. It was pretty obvious she was going to eat.

I had a baby not that long ago and it would never occur to me that if the child is in the high chair, I shouldn't talk to her. I wouldn't expect someone even further removed from the baby years to remember all the intricacies of each stage.

I have a greater appreciation for all my parents' weird assumptions about children now that DD is 4. I realize that when they think of "what kids should be doing," they were thinking more of this stage and not where she was a year or a year & 1/2 ago. It used to annoy the hell out of me when they insisted that my 2 or 3 year old should be doing x, y or z, but now that she's doing all of that, I realize they just don't remember each different stage.

That said, it was still annoying as all heck to deal with their misguided assumptions.

[eddy]

You need to relax. This is not a case of your ILs being dumb.

[h]

Oct 8, 2012 10:34:31 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Oct 8, 2012 9:50:34 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

She wa in the high chair with food in front of her. It was pretty obvious she was going to eat.

I had a baby not that long ago and it would never occur to me that if the child is in the high chair, I shouldn't talk to her. I wouldn't expect someone even further removed from the baby years to remember all the intricacies of each stage.

I agree. Plus, I am not convinced that things like not talking to a baby in a high chair are universally accepted "rules" to the point that even someone very familiar with that stage would know how to behave. I did a lot of playing and talking with my kids at mealtime when they were babies (and still do)--it was never a quiet "don't distract the baby" time for us. I totally understand if the OP's preferences are for no distractions during mealtimes (or if her DD's personality requires that), but I don't think it is a given that other people will automatically assume that.

It is fine to have specific preferences for how you want people to interact with your child, but you can't assume that other people are dumb if they have a different approach. I think you need to find a way to tell them what you would like them to do in a casual way without coming off as if you think they are doing it wrong or don't know that they are doing.

I also think it is worth considering that being around loving adults with different personalities, ways of doing things, and approaches to interacting with others can actually be very good for kids, especially as they get older (I know it is different when you have a very young child who needs things to happen a certain way). One of the great things about extended families is that they expose kids to people who aren't just like their parents, which is good preparation for the broader world, school, etc. Sometimes when you go out into the world people talk at the same time or approach you too enthusiastically. Over-excited but well-meaning grandparents can help a kid learn how to cope with those kind of situations.

[atouchofklasse]

I agree with the others. Your ILs are neither stupid nor dumb.

Why can't you address them directly without having your husband call them much later?

[starlily]

I think you need to chill out.

[CloudBee]

I think it's strange to confront these "issues" after the fact, via a special phone call.

I agree with the poster above who says that it's really healthy for the child to be surrounded around other loving/caring adults who have slightly different approaches.

There's nothing above that is worth getting upset over. I can understand frustration, but other than that, you need to learn to go with the flow. Your methods aren't hard rules, and it's obvious that there is a lot of love coming in from your husband's family.

I think you may be putting your husband in a rough spot if you continue to burn up over things like this after the fact.

[hannamaren]

Relax everyone. I wasnt stewing about this for hours. It just irked me for a few minutes. On the drive home, my H and I laughed about their clulessness on this and other matters. (having candles on low tables, nuts in bowls on the edge of the same low table)
He wont make a special call this time. But with the 5 faces in her face when she just arrived at age 3-5 mths, he would call right before we arrived and remind them to give her some space to wake up.

So, thanks for your replies. I promise it wasnt as big of a deal as I guess I made it seem.

[badtzmaru22]

I get what you're saying. SIL always complained that her kids were horrible eaters, but she would try to feed them and give them a bunch of toys on their tray at the same time, so they were always playing and more interested in action figures or whatever than the food.

[CloudBee]

Oct 8, 2012 12:19:08 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

On the drive home, my H and I laughed about their clulessness on this and other matters. (having candles on low tables, nuts in bowls on the edge of the same low table)

Those are items that the parent is responsible for noticing, and moving.

Nuts in bowls on a low table? Really? See it, move it. Use that as an opportunity to teach her the word "no". It's not like she's in that room alone like she might be at her own home. It sounds like you were at a gathering. No need to move in that instance if you are watching her like a hawk. Maybe slide to the center of the table?

Your daughter is the center of your world, and important to others, but honestly, I do not rearrange my home when babies/toddlers visit. If I see something in the moment that should be moved, I do so. If I see them reaching for an item that is not child-friendly, I politely say "no no, please don't touch".

You need to take a few deep breaths. ;D

[Ashley&Scott]

MIL tends to be loud & up in M's face because she's so excited to see him. We gently have to remind her to speak quietly because he gets cranky when he's overstimulated... rinse & repeat throughout the visit.

[vanillacourage]

I have noticed that the only thing you post about anymore is your daughter (which is fine - and it's almost exclusively on MMM, so it's in the right spot). But it really does seem that you've lost some perspective about the world at large, especially from the perspective of those who aren't singularly focused on your kid. Just my two cents.

[mrssandro]

Oct 8, 2012 12:03:23 GMT -5 starlily said:

I think you need to chill out.

Ditto!

I don't think the in laws sound dumb. I would want them to be all excited to see their grand baby.

[frlcb]

Does your daughter always eat on her own, with no one else in the room except you? This is so weird to me.

[ijack]

Oct 8, 2012 12:33:28 GMT -5 badtzmaru22 said:

I get what you're saying. SIL always complained that her kids were horrible eaters, but she would try to feed them and give them a bunch of toys on their tray at the same time, so they were always playing and more interested in action figures or whatever than the food.

This is actually a pretty well known technique for getting children to eat. Not saying that's what your SIL was doing, but if her kids did truly have feeding problems, distraction is pretty common.
Team VC.

[cjeanette]

They aren't stupid just not mind readers. Every baby is different and every parent has different expectations. Calling beforehand? How about just saying something as it is happening. "Hey guys please back up for a second she is a little overwhelmed" "Hey FIL, could you let me feed her and then you can play with her. She gets distracted easily"

Also, its not their job to baby proof their house for you. I grew up with a grandma who always had nuts and a cracker on her coffeetable. She also raised 7 kids the same way.

[UnderProtest]

So I understand the distracting thing. My kids (especially my girl) do much better eating when there is nothing else going on and no one really talking to her. And my mom is horrible about being in her face and playing with her and doing everything but getting her to eat. I have told my mom to back off, but grandparents don't always care. Its their job to spoil them. Its not always worth the fight....especially for one or two meals. Kids will eat when they are hungry (I know, not failure to thrive kids, but L doesn't seem to have that issue).

That being said, when I'm somewhere other than my house alone with the kids, I expect them to behave differently. But that's part of the challenge of raising kids. You won't always be home alone with her and being at grandma's house to eat is a good experience to get her used to eating in a different environment. She will never learn to eat with distractions if she never has distractions. You don't want to be stuck in your home forever because she has never been exposed to eating at someone else's house or at a restaurant.

[ilikedonuts]

Do you never take your child out to eat?

[iheartbanjos]

((Hugs)) Your inlaws aren't clueless. People laugh, sing, and talk to babies. Especially when they love said baby. Seriously.

[Deleted]

nothing you described makes your ILs seem dumb or stupid. you are overreacting

[hannamaren]

I already said this wasnt a huge vent. We laughed on the way home.

And as for the nuts and candles in the table, curious. Would you have moved them in someone elses house? There were no other free tables in the room. (unless I moved ornaments, picture frames, etc)
I just feel bad saying no to every direction to a child. It was basically "sit in one spot and play" which is almost impossible for an 11 mth old to want to do or understand. She should have a little bit of freedom to move around.

And last week someone said they were having kids at their house and everyone here said "childproof in advance but the kids should behave". That is all I expected.

And sorry all I talk about is my child.
I am not as tightly wound as everyone seems to think. I just dont bother posting about the calm times when I am sitting watching Tv.

[UnderProtest]

For something like nuts that they clearly shouldn't have at this age, yes its okay to move them to the kitchen table or such. The rest of the stuff is a learning experience. While you don't want to say no all the time, they need to learn boundaries. How are they going to learn if you don't teach them?

[h]

I think it is totally fine to move something that is dangerous or breakable out of the way of your kid at someone else's home. I would have just said "MIL/FIL, I am going to set these nuts on the kitchen counter so that Layla doesn't get ahold of one, okay?" or "Do you mind if I blow this candle out/move it out of Layla's reach?" I can't imagine a grandparent being offended by that.

Do you and your IL's not get along well or have a strained or distant relationship? It sounds like maybe that is the underlying issue, given your hesitancy to move something in their home, tendency to have your DH call rather than just telling them directly when you need them to modify their behavior, etc. And if that is the case, then it isn't surprising that little things they do that seem like NBD to the rest of us are driving you crazy. I would try being more open and honest with them--it might make things easier and more pleasant for everyone.

[ijack]

We were at a party last night that had food on a low table - I just made sure I was watching her, and told her "no" when she tried to grab something (I did the grabbing for her).