NSOR: Sick Friend

[Deleted]

Hi ladies,

I went out to dinner with one of best friends on Saturday. She has been sick (strep throat, a lot of ear, nose and throat stuff) for like months. Well after several appointments, she's going to an oncologist today because she most likely has lymphatic cancer. Her doctor's even told her to prepare for the diagnosis (WHAT???). Anyways her biospy consult is today and then later this week they'll do the biopsy.

She's crazy independent and doesn't do well expressing her feelings. And I literally don't know what to do for her. I feel so totally helpless and I'm SO SCARED. I've offered to go to her appointments with her and whatever she needs. But can I just say THIS SUCKS! We're only 30 for christ's sake.

So if anyone has been through this or has thoughts on how I can best support her, that would be awesome.

[bullygirl979]

First of all, Ts and Ps for your friend!!

Second, I would let her lead it. You can remind her every now and again that you are here for her and to let you know if you can do anything. Maybe every now and again just ask her if she wants to get together and do something. She may not even know what she needs right now but knowing that she has your support will mean the world, I am sure.

[blackkitty]

Wow, that's rough
I would say just continue to offer specific things to help her. Usually a general "let me know if I can do anything" is too generic, but things like offering to go to appts with her are more helpful. I hope she is okay.

[emma245]

Wow that is so sad and scary. I would just let her know you are there for her. I got a few cards from friends during my divorce and it really really moved me. So maybe write her a heart felt card letting her know you are there for her. Im so sorry and will be sending positive vibes your way!

[dakotadangerdog]

I can understand how she feels, I'm terrible at asking for help or letting people know that I need support or whatever. I don't like feeling vulnerable. It's tough even with my closest friends. Spending time with her is probably the best thing you can do for now.

[Deleted]

Thanks ladies! And I LOVE the idea of a card. I know she'll really like that. I think I'll just try to keep thinking of some fun things we could do together. She's crazy busy at work and they aren't being supportive AT ALL. It makes me so mad.

[emma245]

Oct 8, 2012 12:06:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Thanks ladies! And I LOVE the idea of a card. I know she'll really like that. I think I'll just try to keep thinking of some fun things we could do together. She's crazy busy at work and they aren't being supportive AT ALL. It makes me so mad.

Maybe suggest going to get a mani/pedi or massage? Something relaxing to take her mind off of everything.

[Deleted]

Oct 8, 2012 12:25:44 GMT -5 emma245 said:

Oct 8, 2012 12:06:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Thanks ladies! And I LOVE the idea of a card. I know she'll really like that. I think I'll just try to keep thinking of some fun things we could do together. She's crazy busy at work and they aren't being supportive AT ALL. It makes me so mad.

Maybe suggest going to get a mani/pedi or massage? Something relaxing to take her mind off of everything.

Definitely! Good ideas all around.

[usedtobebear]

Oh no, I'm so sorry!! When my Mom was diagnosed with Cancer I just stepped in and did whatever I could to help. I found a housekeeping service that cleans for free for people with cancer, up to 10 cleanings. I cooked her really healthy meals or smoothies when she has no appetite. I bought her comfy pj's so she felt cozy. I went to support groups with her, I spent every second with her and gave her space as needed. Good luck and keep us posted, and you're right 30 is way too yound to be dealing with this. Hopefully the doctor is wrong!!

[bravofan]

My sister was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphona at the age of 38. It came out of left field and we were all pretty shocked and scard. I'm glad I was there for her when we found out that it might be cancer (before going to the oncologist and before running the myriad of tests). I live 5 hours away (and at the time had a 1-year old) and couldn't be with her as much as I wanted during treatment. I sent her little items and a card (magazines, candy, books, etc.) weekly to let her know that I was thinking about her. Plus, it was something for her to look foward to. You offering to go to appointments and just being there for your friend is amazing. She probably won't know what she wants until she starts treatment and gets into a routine. Like the PP said - making meals, buying comfies, cleaning the house, running errands for her, etc. mean a lot. T's and P's for your friend.

[redredwine]

Oh that's awful-so sorry to hear that! I have no words of advice but second what everyone else said above-just show her you're there fore her (and a card is good, too) and maybe do something lighthearted like a mani/pedi just to get her mind off things.

I don't know that I'd want a massage right away becuase I know I wouldn't be able to relax/enjoy it but that's just me.

[explorer2001]

Oct 8, 2012 12:30:56 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Oh no, I'm so sorry!! When my Mom was diagnosed with Cancer I just stepped in and did whatever I could to help. I found a housekeeping service that cleans for free for people with cancer, up to 10 cleanings. I cooked her really healthy meals or smoothies when she has no appetite. I bought her comfy pj's so she felt cozy. I went to support groups with her, I spent every second with her and gave her space as needed. Good luck and keep us posted, and you're right 30 is way too yound to be dealing with this. Hopefully the doctor is wrong!!

Can you send me the info on that service? I.might need it in the not too distant future. Thanks.

[explorer2001]

You can pm me if you want to talk. My biopsy was inconclusive. They are talking possible lymphoma and I have surgery to have the questionable lymph nodes removed on the 19th.

I don't do well asking for help so the best thing is for someone to offer or just do it (ex bring over dinner). You need to let her lead on the level of freak out and detail of discussion. Some people don't want to talk about it because its harder for them that way. Some want to rehash every.detail. As for your freak out, I will not be 30 until Dec. Cancer doesn't care. I also have 2 good friends who are around my age who are already cancer survivors.

One of the things that has been driving me up the walls is when other people don't understand my calm in handling this. I don't have the emotional energy to help them with their fears, especially when they are more freaked out than I am. I want to live DS normally as possible until I have to change that. It's actually ok for her to not be freaking out if she is still dealing with it. Ex I know I've done every thing I can and the next step is surgery & new pathology analysis. I can't do anything or make any decisions until then. When that time comes I will handle the next issue. I know what I'm facing, I'm not in denile or burying my head in the sand. I also refuse to let this part of my life become my whole life as long as I have a choice. KWIM.

[achase123]

That's horrible. Can you cook her a nice dinner or start a list going of people who can make dinners for her for awhile? She might be low on energy once she starts treatment and this could help.

I think that was really nice of you to offer to go to her appointments with her!

[heavenly]

I am sorry you and your friend are going through this.

[Deleted]

Thanks Explorer. That's really helpful. I don't express any of my fears to her at all. Sorry for my freak out on here, I'm sure that's hard for you, but I have to get out somewhere because I can't express it to her and this is my safe place for that. I realize it isn't about me. I actually am very calm with her. I've asked her if she wants me to ask her about it or not. She actually told me she would prefer that I DO bring it up and ask her about it instead of waiting for her to say something. I'm sure that might change as things go on.

She has had a totally unhealthy pattern of keeping her emotions in, even though she does want to express them, because she thinks people don't care enough about her to listen.

[Deleted]

Oct 8, 2012 17:24:49 GMT -5 achase123 said:

That's horrible. Can you cook her a nice dinner or start a list going of people who can make dinners for her for awhile? She might be low on energy once she starts treatment and this could help.

I think that was really nice of you to offer to go to her appointments with her!

Yea I think once we know what's going on and the treatments it will be more helpful in determining what to do for her/what she needs. She had her consultation today so I think I might see if she wants to go to dinner or something tonight.

[explorer2001]

Oct 8, 2012 17:29:41 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Thanks Explorer. That's really helpful. I don't express any of my fears to her at all. Sorry for my freak out on here, I'm sure that's hard for you, but I have to get out somewhere because I can't express it to her and this is my safe place for that. I realize it isn't about me. I actually am very calm with her. I've asked her if she wants me to ask her about it or not. She actually told me she would prefer that I DO bring it up and ask her about it instead of waiting for her to say something. I'm sure that might change as things go on.

She has had a totally unhealthy pattern of keeping her emotions in, even though she does want to express them, because she thinks people don't care enough about her to listen.

PDX, totally fine for you to vent here. I get it. I'm actually doing really well with things in part because I've been able to talk to my friends who are survivors and get their perspective. (Which includes losing it cry for 20 minutes twice a week is totally normal and you can and will pick up and get back to everything else as soon as you finish crying, you won't cry forever.) You have every right to be afraid. I'm glad you can get it out here and not put it on her, if that makes sense.

Regarding her pattern of keeping emotions in, a lot if health care plans that don't otherwise cover counselling will cover it if its related to a medical diagnosis. My counsellor actually texted me to check up on thing and after we met she was extremely happy with how I was handling it all. It's weird to apply the skills I learned in dealing with my.ex and DV to cancer scares but they work.

T&P to you and your friend. As I said feel free to talk to me about whatever when ever.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, I hope they are wrong. I agree with all the PPs. Just be supportive in any way she needs. Best wishes.