More reasons to hate my douche EXH

[rocknruin72]

I have friends who hang out with exh's girlfriend and they find out all of these things that he is doing and fill me in (like my little spies). Exh doesn't know who they are. Anyway, apparently the weekend of September 17th, my ex went to a party and got really wasted. He drank way too much, started acting like a lunatic, and made an idiot of himself. His gf got really mad at him and the two of them made a scene. OH, and this was a night that he had OUR CHILDREN. Where were they? Oh, he left them with his parents.

Next, he asked me to take the kids on one of his nights so he could go out with his gf. I agreed as long as he would take them one of my nights because I had parent/teacher conference night. He said it was fine. So I held up my end of the agreement, but of course he calls me the day before my parent/teacher night and says, "I can't take the kids tomorrow, sorry." His excuse was that he couldn't take off work. BUT....I found out that he took off work anyway to go to a party with his gf!

I also found out that he left our daughter when she had pneumonia so he could go on a fishing trip. He never asked me if I could take her. He left the kids with his parents. Again.

This has been going on for months. Of course, I filed a motion for modification of custody with the court. We have a court date set for November 7th. But....that's so far away!!! I hate that he has joint custody of my kids and he NEVER spends time with them. He just dumps them with family (he lives with his parents) and goes out partying.

OH, and he pays child support as if he has the kids for 40% of the time, when he really only sees them maybe one or two days. Isn't that efficient of him.

[doriswe]

1. Wasn't it just you pining over the lost family a week ago?
2. You have little spies?? Really?? That's just ridiculous. You're not together, who the hell cares what he's doing?
3. He got drunk...how does this affect you directly? And he was RESPONSIBLE and left the kids with their grandparents. Again, how does this affect you or the kids? I leave my kids with my mom so I can go out.
4. He didn't follow through with his promise to you....I doubt this is the first time. Why do you have expectations of him to act a certain way now that you're not together? It's your job as a parent to have a plan....and in this case have a back-up plan since he's not dependable.

[moolarkey]

When you go out, who do you leave your kids with? I'm purely guessing but I'd think the grandparents are happy to have time with their grandchildren. In divorces the grandparents are often left out of visits. I would also guess they are responsible and can be trusted with them, I hope so.

His drinking is an issue if it directly affects the kids - he abuses them, leaves them alone, doesn't feed them, etc and so far at least he doesn't seem to be doing that.

You might instruct your "spies" to only notify you of an emergency affecting your kids and otherwise - you don't want to hear about him. Move on.

[prettyinpearls]

You are causing yourself far more stress than needed by your “spies” giving you all this information. As long as the kids are well cared for (the grandparents) while their loser-dad goes out and gets wasted…it’s really not your problem. How he chooses to utilize his parenting time is HIS choice. It’s unfortunate he’s being an idiot about it…but it’s beyond your control.

You need to be in the dark about what he’s doing with his time and his GF. Really.

[rocknruin72]

I thought you guys would remember more of what I posted on the other board. Sorry! My ex's parents are separated but living in the same home, they fight constantly. Furthermore, my ex's mom just had a kidney transplant. I have no idea how she's able to help care for my children. My ex's dad is a type 1 diabetic, has had four back surgeries, and is addicted to oxycontin. Not who I want my children left with over and over and over.

I do not go out when I have the kids in my care. For one, I can't afford babysitters, and two, I would rather spend time with my kids. I wait until they have time with their dad if I want to hang out with friends. I certainly don't dump them on family so I can go party. The only time my family has watched my kids is when I went to a funeral and when I had a work event and kids weren't allowed.

[BlueBayou]

Oct 9, 2012 10:27:11 GMT -5 doriswe said:

1. Wasn't it just you pining over the lost family a week ago?
2. You have little spies?? Really?? That's just ridiculous. You're not together, who the hell cares what he's doing?
3. He got drunk...how does this affect you directly? And he was RESPONSIBLE and left the kids with their grandparents. Again, how does this affect you or the kids? I leave my kids with my mom so I can go out.
4. He didn't follow through with his promise to you....I doubt this is the first time. Why do you have expectations of him to act a certain way now that you're not together? It's your job as a parent to have a plan....and in this case have a back-up plan since he's not dependable.

:Y: :Y: :Y: This is why you cant let go. You wont move on. Pls stoop worrying about what he is doing and focus on you and the kids. Control what you can. He you cannot.

[BlueBayou]

Rocknruin, i doubt the grandparents ( given their medical conditions) would accept watching the kids if they didnt feel they could. There is nothing you can do about who he chooses to watch them or why. It is not your business. Unless they would be in dire neglectful circumstances. He is their parent whether you like it or not. You need to accept what you can. I know its hard, i really do. But you are overboard in this one.

[rocknruin72]

I just feel like, if he wants to go out, fine, but let me watch the kids. Don't just dump them on his parents (whom he lives with). It's in our custody agreement anyway, that he is supposed to ask me if I would like to take the kids whenever he is going to leave them for more than three hours. He never asks me.

And "spies" was immature. I'm sorry. I don't ask these people to tell me things. They (only two) come to me on their own and tell me what he does. One of them is my DD's godmother, and she does it out of concern. If you knew more about the situation from the previous board I think you'd understand. Exh is known for being a terrible father. So, now everyone is kind of "watching" him since he's on his own with the kids. By "known for being a terrible father," I mean friends and family have witnessed him being verbally and physically abusive with my DS. It's a long story.

[doriswe]

Oct 9, 2012 11:35:02 GMT -5 @rocknruin72 said:

I just feel like, if he wants to go out, fine, but let me watch the kids. Don't just dump them on his parents (whom he lives with). It's in our custody agreement anyway, that he is supposed to ask me if I would like to take the kids whenever he is going to leave them for more than three hours. He never asks me.

And "spies" was immature. I'm sorry. I don't ask these people to tell me things. They (only two) come to me on their own and tell me what he does. One of them is my DD's godmother, and she does it out of concern. If you knew more about the situation from the previous board I think you'd understand. Exh is known for being a terrible father. So, now everyone is kind of "watching" him since he's on his own with the kids. By "known for being a terrible father," I mean friends and family have witnessed him being verbally and physically abusive with my DS. It's a long story.

Which is it....he's alone with the kids or he's with his parents? I think you're looking for things to be pissy about. I get it, in a perfect world, you guys would work together and trade days/times as needed....but it's not reality. He's doing the responsible thing by finding someone to watch the kids. And I'd also guess you're not always calling him to watch the kids when you need time away.

I get it...it's hard as hell to have no control over what he's doing with the kids....but they're not in harms way, you need to let it go. And your friends need to stop fueling the fire.

[naeljun]

You need to tell your friends to stop telling you things unless they see something that is actually harming your children. i.e. he is hitting them or leaves them in a locked car or something.

I get that you have first right of refusal but he is being responsible and having his parents watch them. If they are as sick as you say they are, there would be no way they would be able to watch them so I think you may be exaggerating that one a bit.

I probably wouldn't have DD go to her dad's house if she was sick with pneumonia unless she developed it while he was at his house. I would want her to stay put and not go back and forth. What could he do for her that his parents couldn't?

If he is living with his parents, even though he is only physically with the kids a couple of days a week, they are still with his family. This would count towards the 40%. This is one of the reasons why I don't like my ex's parents to watch DD when I am supposed to have her. It can count against me and give him more time than what is determined in the CO.

I am with you as far as going out so I know what you mean. I only go out when I don't have DD unless it is really important. You can't control what he does though.

[achase123]

You've got to let some, if not all of this go. Be GLAD the children were with his parents. The other grandparents do have a right to see them. I understand wanting more time with the children if he isn't going to take advantage of the time he has but don't be upset he got drunk if he wasn't even around them.

I'm not sure what will happen (if anything) at your custody hearing. You have to learn to choose your battles here.

And why are you still trying to get "dirt" on him? It sounds like there's nothing out of the ordinary going on here that you would need to be aware of for your children's safety. If they were in danger that would be another story but they are not. It will be much easier to move on when/if you decide to detach from these "spies" and get your own life.