Post by laptopvixen on Oct 9, 2012 15:54:36 GMT -5
Good luck!
My aunt's best friend had a daughter like this. It took a long time to get her on the right blend of medication and therapy and environment but she's finally gainfully employed and a good mother to her two children (both of whom she conceived in her manic I'LL DO WHAT I WANT phase with different fathers). She does still live with her parents (she is late 30's) but somehow they make it work and I'm not sure that will ever change now that her parents are aging.
Have you, your husband and her mother sat down to discuss the problems she is having? You keep saying that mom isn't setting any rules for her and it seems like if you all sit down and she has the same rules in both households it may be better for her since it's going to be more consistent.
SD needs boundaries and love and to know that someone cares about her safety enough to look out for her best interest--even when she makes that really difficult to do. If you believe you've taken all of her privileges away and are really laying down the law and you still have no control over her behavior and fear for her safety, I'd take that to mean that you're not capable of giving her the help she needs right now. She's 17 so this is the last year where you have legal control; if you're going to act, act now.
Post by treedimensional on Oct 10, 2012 8:21:02 GMT -5
How much praise and validation does she receive? I think that friendliness and encouragement can do wonders. I would praise her lavishly for the tiniest thing, such as her appearance or her demeanor. Like "you certainly have a flair for (blank)", or "I really admire your ability to (blank), I wish I would have had such a gift at your age." or even "You're a natural leader. I see great things for you." I'd try to ignore the negative things, and find something to compliment every single day. After that I would try to sit down with her and ask her what she thinks is reasonable to expect from the adults in her life. To be clear, I'd repeat back what she said, and to demonstrate my sincerity, I'd write it down. Then, I'd ask her what she thinks is reasonable for her parents and step parents to expect from her, again repeating for clarity and taking notes. I would listen without judgement or interruption, and if that went well, I'd give her paper and pen, and ask her what her three most important goals in life were at that moment, and to write them down. If she even came up with ONE goal, I'd praise her lavishly and ask her about how she planned to achieve it. If she couldn't, I would thank her for sharing her thoughts, praise her ambitions in some way, and encourage her to think more about her goal and get back to me. Good luck.
Post by treedimensional on Oct 10, 2012 8:43:06 GMT -5
I just read through all the previous responses calling for tough love and various 'clamping down' rules. I feel that this approach will likely not be effective. She does need love (everyone does). Everybody wants to feel important. Everybody wants to save face. Try to facilitate that. Difficult people of ANY age never see themselves as the problem. She sees everyone else as an oppressor, imposing arbitrary punishments on her as part of a stupid power trip. Punishments are not effective.
Think about how you train a dog: all you do is reward good behavior. Think about characteristics you really hate to encounter in authority figures, like your boss, or a cop. If you are in a powerless position, being listened to and respected would be very important. How would you feel if your boss told you to shape up or look for another job? Wouldn't you immediately think your boss didn't notice any of the many positive things you did? Or if a cop threw you to the ground and slapped handcuffs on you? Wouldn't you immediately begin to sing your own praises? She's a teenager. She probably has been receiving feedback that is overwhelmingly negative for years. Not judging you or any other adults in her life, just suggesting love and as much praise as you can muster. Many hugs in this difficult situation!