SD troubles :(

[hereonceagain]

I'm so worried about my stepdaughter. I feel like she is going through a crisis. She s 17. I feel shes very immature in many ways and too mature in other ways.

She has lots of anger. Mostly from not getting what she wants. But her wants are over the top. She lives with her mom technically but has had many issues there, especially with the moms boyfriend (who has lived there over 7 years). We are suppose to have her every weekend, but its been impossible to stick to it. She basically comes and stays with us until she gets mad at something, then rages out of the house and calls her mom from the street to pick her up (and her mom does). Then she stays at her moms until she gets mad there and then calls us to pick her up. We used to refuse to pick her up because she can't just run away from her problems like that. However she recently resorted to running away if we don't get her. Last week she called at almost midnight from the streets of a horrible neighborhood saying we better get her or she's sleeping on the streets. Of course we got her because we feared her safety. Then hubby has to spend an extra 2 hours in the morning driving her to her school back in moms neighborhood and he's late to work.

We have always wanted primary custody but fought in court and had to give up the fight many years ago. Her mom says we cannot have more custody because she needs the full child support to support her other kids (from unemployed boyfriend). Hubby and I talked and decided we would pay her full support and take SD full time but she's hesitant to agree thinking we won't really do it. SD is 17 so it's not like we'd be paying it long. SD has been begging to live with us and move to school over here. But again, who knows what would happen if she gets mad and wants to leave/run away.

SD has struggled with her identity, threatened to become a cutter, and I think she is getting too easy with boys/girls (she is bi). Five years ago she got straight A's and now she is caught ditching and gets poor grades. She lies profusely and I've caught her stealing. We have tried counseling and she hated the counselors we had and refused to go. She is now talking with a school counselor (on her own good will yay) and loves him, however that counselor doesn't really provide feedback to her parents. Her mom is at wits end and I feel like when SD is 18, mom will make her leave (Unless we continue to pay child support). I'm so worried about what is to come. We have the financial resources to help her and she has her own room here and we live in an excellent city but I cannot imagine having her live here as an adult without attending college or having a full time job.

Whoa. Long. Any advice or opinions?

[mrshandy]

You say you have tried counselors for her. But have you tried family counseling?

Is she passionate about anything?

Does she structure and routine?

How much longer is she in school?

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 10:45:10 GMT -5 mrshandy said:

You say you have tried counselors for her. But have you tried family counseling?

Yes, we've tried.

Is she passionate about anything?

Yes, she loves to hang out with friends, Skype, texts 24/7, likes to draw and paint! And has an obsession with anything that has to do with her culture.

Does she structure and routine?

?? What does that mean?

How much longer is she in school?

She is in school this year and next.

[hereonceagain]

She cusses horribly!! This really bothers me as we are a no cussing household. She lashed out at me over a month ago and hubby asked her to apologize and she said "youre a horrible father whose never there for me and you take sides"

[madringal]

I might be thinking of a different poster, but is it your SD that is obsessed with everything to do with her culture and is always putting you down and disrespecting you because you are not of the same culture?

[Deleted]

Have you and your husband gone to a counselor for advice without her? I think that might help. You could give her an open invitation to attend if she wants to.

I would try encouraging her with constructive things she likes--extra art classes, cultural classes (language, history, dance--whatever you can find) and if there is any sport of exercise she is interested in that may help tendencies towards depression or anxiety.

[mbcdefg]

Does she graduate this year? I would just hope that she chooses to attend college in your area, and just tell her that she'll always have a room at your place and you guys (if you choose) will help her if she attends school.

Ditto opera about structure. It sounds like she's almost craving it. Her mom must be a hot mess.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 11:18:26 GMT -5 madringal said:

I might be thinking of a different poster, but is it your SD that is obsessed with everything to do with her culture and is always putting you down and disrespecting you because you are not of the same culture?

Yes, this is her.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 11:24:20 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

Have you and your husband gone to a counselor for advice without her? I think that might help. You could give her an open invitation to attend if she wants to.

I would try encouraging her with constructive things she likes--extra art classes, cultural classes (language, history, dance--whatever you can find) and if there is any sport of exercise she is interested in that may help tendencies towards depression or anxiety.

She does not appear to have depression or anxiety. We will not enroll her in classes anymore. She would not attend more than half. She prefers to be out with friends and we cannot physically make her get in the car to go. We try to find one day classes but they are harder to come by.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 11:43:33 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Does she graduate this year? I would just hope that she chooses to attend college in your area, and just tell her that she'll always have a room at your place and you guys (if you choose) will help her if she attends school.

Ditto opera about structure. It sounds like she's almost craving it. Her mom must be a hot mess.

She said she is not going to college. She still has next yr in high school too.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 11:17:38 GMT -5 operagirl said:

What MrsHandy said! My daughter is a counselor who says being bi and cutting are the "in" things for troubled teens these days. Structure, family counseling and rules may help. Personally, it sounds like she is playing both sides against the other. Being in one place may work.

We've tried one place. She just gets mad and storms off. Hubby thinks we should have the police pick her up next time. Her mom agreed.

[laptopvixen]

I'm sensing too much step-guilt here.

She's 17, she's acting like an asshole, and you're caving to her whims (WHY is your husband late to work to chauffeur her around??)

It sounds like she's been raised wholly free of rules or consequences.

[hereonceagain]

I've been thinking about writing her a long letter and sending it to her Facebook but I think u guys advised against that in the past. She doesn't listen when we say we love her...she's always yelling too loud and too irrational to hear anything. So I thought a letter would be good. I want her to know all the fond memories I have with her and how I created a 529 for her college fund and I want to point out her great skills. I think she really needs to hear some positives but at the same time we cannot reward her for her behavior.

[laptopvixen]

This is sad, but I mean, she's 17. How much really do you think you can help her at this point? She sounds like the sort who is going to have to fall on her face to learn any life lessons.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 12:08:31 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

I'm sensing too much step-guilt here.

She's 17, she's acting like an asshole, and you're caving to her whims (WHY is your husband late to work to chauffeur her around??)

It sounds like she's been raised wholly free of rules or consequences.

Not true. She has consequences and disappears. Maybe u r right on the stepparent guilt though. He had to "chauffeur" her to school otherwise she would have missed it and been left home alone on a school day. No way. Would you really leave your teen on the streets of a crime infested area at midnight? Sorry if I sound defensive, but this has just been frustrating. We want her to be safe as our top priority.

[glynn2009]

Counseling........ it has gone to far in both households it sounds like. I do not think that either household can handle her and she knows it. I would look into a program that she is locked-in that provided lots of counseling for her and all the family. It would be hard but in the long run it would be better for everyone.
I have a 20 year old that did not give me have the problems that you have that was very lost after HS. DS is finally out in two weeks into the Marines by his choice. I am relieved.... I know it sounds bad but they will force himto grow-up. He ran through $20,000 in 10months that he received from a car accident that nearly killed him. He gets mad at me and goes to his dad's but he hates it there so he comes back. I feel somewhat responsible but I can not help him and I now realize this. He did counseling when I forced the issue....
Good Luck!

[laptopvixen]

Oct 9, 2012 12:19:52 GMT -5 hereonceagain said:

Oct 9, 2012 12:08:31 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

I'm sensing too much step-guilt here.

She's 17, she's acting like an asshole, and you're caving to her whims (WHY is your husband late to work to chauffeur her around??)

It sounds like she's been raised wholly free of rules or consequences.

Not true. She has consequences and disappears. Maybe u r right on the stepparent guilt though. He had to "chauffeur" her to school otherwise she would have missed it and been left home alone on a school day. No way. Would you really leave your teen on the streets of a crime infested area at midnight? Sorry if I sound defensive, but this has just been frustrating. We want her to be safe as our top priority.

So she misses school, and if she misses enough she will not graduate. This is a consequence.

Do you take away her cell phone? Who pays for it? Have you stripped her of every privilege possible? No phone, no going out with friends, straight to school and straight home after, no TV in her room?

She is totally playing you, "you better come get me or I will sleep on the streets?" Please. You're at her beck and call and she knows it.

Of course you want her to be safe, that is a no brainer. I'm not suggesting that you should have left her there, but what was her punishment for doing that?

[kellbell191]

I'd go past counseling and get a psychiatrist involved.

[sweetnsour]

I think counseling for you and your husband would be good. I don't think forcing her to do stuff will work at this point. She is almost an adult. She has to start learning there are consequences to her actions. I do agree with you that you don't want to put her safety at risk but at the same time she needs to make better decisions. What if you guys never got her phone call to get picked up?

[ssmjlm]

My niece is going down a similar path right now, but her mother lets her get away with the crap she does.

You really need to be in family counseling with ALL of the parents, including bio-mom's boyfriend if he's serving a parental role. She needs to realize there are boundaries and she can't play both sides. If the parents aren't on the same page, she'll just keep getting away with everything.

[laptopvixen]

I think a psychiatric evaluation is in order, for sure.

Have you tried to make an appointment with this counselor in school that she likes. It may not be his job to reach out to you but surely you can reach out to him?

But absolutely on a certain level she knows that she can manipulate you both and does it at her whim.

Cutters don't threaten to cut themselves, they cut themselves in secret.

She probably would have peed in her pants if you'd told her you were not going to come and pick her up.

[lanyac]

Oct 9, 2012 13:03:20 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

I think a psychiatric evaluation is in order, for sure.

Have you tried to make an appointment with this counselor in school that she likes. It may not be his job to reach out to you but surely you can reach out to him?

But absolutely on a certain level she knows that she can manipulate you both and does it at her whim.

Cutters don't threaten to cut themselves, they cut themselves in secret.

She probably would have peed in her pants if you'd told her you were not going to come and pick her up.

Speaking from experience, this is true. I always hid it from my mother.

You're giving her way too much freedom. She doesn't have any consequences for her actions. She runs away, let the cops get her. If she is at your house on a school day, tell her to call a cab. Make her get a job. If she's not going to college, she needs to start saving up now for her own place. Or are you going to let her live in your house forever, rent free? I know its your child, but she needs some sort of guidance and structure. I was this kid 10 years ago. Get her on meds, give her a routine, and she'll do fine.

[kershnic]

Does she qualify for Job Corps? Maybe something to discuss with her (maybe in the context of family counseling and/or with the school guidance she has connected with.)

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 12:41:25 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

Oct 9, 2012 12:19:52 GMT -5 hereonceagain said:

Not true. She has consequences and disappears. Maybe u r right on the stepparent guilt though. He had to "chauffeur" her to school otherwise she would have missed it and been left home alone on a school day. No way. Would you really leave your teen on the streets of a crime infested area at midnight? Sorry if I sound defensive, but this has just been frustrating. We want her to be safe as our top priority.

So she misses school, and if she misses enough she will not graduate. This is a consequence.

Do you take away her cell phone? Who pays for it? Have you stripped her of every privilege possible? No phone, no going out with friends, straight to school and straight home after, no TV in her room?

She is totally playing you, "you better come get me or I will sleep on the streets?" Please. You're at her beck and call and she knows it.

Of course you want her to be safe, that is a no brainer. I'm not suggesting that you should have left her there, but what was her punishment for doing that?

We do not pay for her cell. Her punishments thus far have been to stop her allowance (we give her no money), cancelled her drivers Ed class we were going to pay for, no longer let her go out with friends, don't let her use our computers, and basically so no to everything that is not related to education or volunteer work. Until she shapes up.

There is a big difference in households though and I think that's one of the biggest culprits of the issues. We cannot change what goes on in moms home though. Hubby has tried mediation with that and it was unsuccessful. They are who thy are.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 12:41:25 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

Oct 9, 2012 12:19:52 GMT -5 hereonceagain said:

Not true. She has consequences and disappears. Maybe u r right on the stepparent guilt though. He had to "chauffeur" her to school otherwise she would have missed it and been left home alone on a school day. No way. Would you really leave your teen on the streets of a crime infested area at midnight? Sorry if I sound defensive, but this has just been frustrating. We want her to be safe as our top priority.

So she misses school, and if she misses enough she will not graduate. This is a consequence.

Do you take away her cell phone? Who pays for it? Have you stripped her of every privilege possible? No phone, no going out with friends, straight to school and straight home after, no TV in her room?

She is totally playing you, "you better come get me or I will sleep on the streets?" Please. You're at her beck and call and she knows it.

Of course you want her to be safe, that is a no brainer. I'm not suggesting that you should have left her there, but what was her punishment for doing that?

Where I live there is legal consequences for the parents of a minor if they consistently miss school.

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 12:56:15 GMT -5 sweetnsour said:

I think counseling for you and your husband would be good. I don't think forcing her to do stuff will work at this point. She is almost an adult. She has to start learning there are consequences to her actions. I do agree with you that you don't want to put her safety at risk but at the same time she needs to make better decisions. What if you guys never got her phone call to get picked up?

We missed the call for the first 4 hours. She just stayed walking out on the streets from 8pm until midnight. Not sure what she really would have done after that.

[hereonceagain]

Ok, so it sounds like the general consensus here is tough love. I'm going to talk again with my husband about all this. He seems to think like most of you. Thanks for the suggestions.

Going to google job corps now for whoever suggested it. I want to try to suggest something that could help her become a productive member of society.

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2012 12:44:16 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

I'd go past counseling and get a psychiatrist involved.

Ditto this. Remember that bipolar disorders often surface between 16 and 22 years of age. It sounds like she's had few boundaries growing up, but there may be deeper issues. I would suggest this to start, and then, frankly, some pretty damn tough love. And I include boot camp/ boarding school in that suggestion. I'm not sure you guys can "fix" this yourselves.

[mbcdefg]

How long until she turns 18?

[hereonceagain]

Oct 9, 2012 15:25:52 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

How long until she turns 18?

1 year.

There's too many details to write here but there have been strict boundaries in our household in the past. We have lightened up on some obviously like picking her up but that was only due to concerns about her safety. Also her mom was hysterical and begging we find her. She was so angry at her mom that she wouldnt say where she was and had stopped taking her calls.