I'll try to make this brief. I had a conversation with one of my two best friends last night. This friend is married and expecting a baby. She asked me what was going on with my dating life and so I was filling her in.
She told me that she doesn't think I'm going to meet someone on match.com. Ummm, ok? She also said that I haven't ever been alone. What?? I've been single over three years now (XH and I separated in July of 2009). She said that she met her H when she finally just said "fuck it all" and stopped caring and that's what I need to do.
It was hurtful because I felt like she was implying that I haven't met someone through fault of my own. I don't feel as if I'm doing something wrong. I CAN be alone and HAVE been alone, but I also would like to meet someone. Not just anyone, but the right person and I refuse to settle, therefore I go on a lot of dates (and right now is a particularly high volume time for dating because of the online thing and just the way some things have played out).
Anyways, I told her that her comments were not correct but I think I need to have another conversation with her about how much it hurt me. I do struggle with being the only single one in our "group". My two friends are happily married and this one friend is having a baby in Nov. I know she truly didn't mean to hurt me, but unfortunately she did. Any advice for how to broach this conversation?
I'm sorry, Achase. I bet she was trying to be helpful. Still. She sounded like an ass.
Yah, I know it came from a good place. It just really smarted because it's a touchy subject for me. And I agree, without meaning to she definitely sounded like a Judgey McJudgerson.
I can see how that would be hurtful. But I do think she was really trying to help. I don't think she was implying it's your fault you haven't met someone. I think it's probably just hard for her to see her friend actively seeking companionship and being let down. The dating world has changed dramatically since the rise of online dating, and if you haven't experienced it, I think it's difficult to understand.
I can see how that would be hurtful. But I do think she was really trying to help. I don't think she was implying it's your fault you haven't met someone. I think it's probably just hard for her to see her friend actively seeking companionship and being let down. The dating world has changed dramatically since the rise of online dating, and if you haven't experienced it, I think it's difficult to understand.
Oh I totally agree. I love her to death and I know she just wants to see me happy and feels like I deserve that. I know it didn't come from a bad place at all. But it still stung.
I agree with all the others on here but I wanted to add that I think it is really good that you want to talk to her about how you felt. She needs to hear this from you. She is your friend and she can learn something from this and will know how to support you better going forward with your input.
She said that she met her H when she finally just said "fuck it all" and stopped caring and that's what I need to do.
This is the part that I don't understand. Sounds like she kind of settled for her husband.
I can see why what she said hurt. I find that many people who haven't been through a divorce themselves (or live alone of any significant amount of time) have a hard time putting themselves in our shoes.
I would just tell her what you told us. If she's a good friend, she will understand.
She said that she met her H when she finally just said "fuck it all" and stopped caring and that's what I need to do.
This is the part that I don't understand. Sounds like she kind of settled for her husband.
I can see why what she said hurt. I find that many people who haven't been through a divorce themselves (or live alone of any significant amount of time) have a hard time putting themselves in our shoes.
I would just tell her what you told us. If she's a good friend, she will understand.
I don't really understand it either. I don't think she settled for her husband at all...he's wonderful and she's over the moon for him still. I think what she meant was that she kind of "gave up" trying and hoping that something would happen and then out of the blue she met her H. I think that's what it translated into.
I don't really understand it either. I don't think she settled for her husband at all...he's wonderful and she's over the moon for him still. I think what she meant was that she kind of "gave up" trying and hoping that something would happen and then out of the blue she met her H. I think that's what it translated into.
That's how I'm reading it. And honestly I get where she's coming from. It seems like with online, dating has become very similar to me, to a job search. It feels like work. You have to keep all of these dates straight and respond to emails and questions. Everyone is out there "interviewing" for their next relationship. This is totally an avenue that works for some people and I'm not judging that. But for me, and for those looking from the outside in, I think it seems exhausting.
But I also truly believe that no matter how much "work" you put into dating, as long as you are open to having a partner in life, enjoy your own life and stay active and social, you'll meet the right person.
I don't really understand it either. I don't think she settled for her husband at all...he's wonderful and she's over the moon for him still. I think what she meant was that she kind of "gave up" trying and hoping that something would happen and then out of the blue she met her H. I think that's what it translated into.
That's how I'm reading it. And honestly I get where she's coming from. It seems like with online, dating has become very similar to me, to a job search. It feels like work. You have to keep all of these dates straight and respond to emails and questions. Everyone is out there "interviewing" for their next relationship. This is totally an avenue that works for some people and I'm not judging that. But for me, and for those looking from the outside in, I think it seems exhausting.
But I also truly believe that no matter how much "work" you put into dating, as long as you are open to having a partner in life, enjoy your own life and stay active and social, you'll meet the right person.
I think the key is to be open to different possibilities. I'm not totally "sold" on online dating either, but I'm also not completely opposed to it.
I think that, for me, it's taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm good on my own, BUT I would like to meet someone. It's not black or white. And I've gone through stages where I felt like I needed put on a false front and say I didn't want to meet someone. Now I'm being more real and honest about the fact that I would like to meet someone, but I also am not willing to settle for the wrong person.
Post by explorer2001 on Oct 10, 2012 12:09:40 GMT -5
Ok I don't get it. Why does it hurt that your friend wants you to be happy and doesn't want to see you trying so hard to find it? From.what you've posted you date a lot. It seems like you're on a mission and outside of work and P, dating is primary in your life.
I could be totally reading it wrong and if so I'm sorry. I think your friend just wants you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself without working so hard at the goal of finding someone. Like maybe you'd have a better chance of finding someone good, if you weren't putting out the "my next major life goal is to find someone and I'm on a mission to do so" vibe. It seems like you are working as hard toward this now as you were toward your CFP test a while ago.
Again if I'm reading it wrong, I'm sorry and ignore me. I like you and want you to be happy.
Ok I don't get it. Why does it hurt that your friend wants you to be happy and doesn't want to see you trying so hard to find it? From.what you've posted you date a lot. It seems like you're on a mission and outside of work and P, dating is primary in your life.
I could be totally reading it wrong and if so I'm sorry. I think your friend just wants you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself without working so hard at the goal of finding someone. Like maybe you'd have a better chance of finding someone good, if you weren't putting out the "my next major life goal is to find someone and I'm on a mission to do so" vibe. It seems like you are working as hard toward this now as you were toward your CFP test a while ago.
Again if I'm reading it wrong, I'm sorry and ignore me. I like you and want you to be happy.
I agree that I have posted RECENTLY about dates, as in the last month because there has been an influx since I've been doing match.
I disagree that my primary life goal is to find someone. My goal has been to pass my CFP exam, be a good mother, excel in my career, etc.
I also don't think that I'm "hell bent" on finding someone. I want to eventually find the right person, but I know that sometimes takes a really long time. I mainly get discouraged by disappointment after disappointment when I do date. It can get exhausting.
Post by formerlyak on Oct 10, 2012 12:20:11 GMT -5
I just wanted to comment on the poster that said online dating is like work. That made me laugh, because I remember when I went on my first date with my now fi, I called my mom on the way and told her I was going on an "interview, I mean date, with this new guy." It really did start to feel like interviewing for a job in a way.
I just wanted to comment on the poster that said online dating is like work. That made me laugh, because I remember when I went on my first date with my now fi, I called my mom on the way and told her I was going on an "interview, I mean date, with this new guy." It really did start to feel like interviewing for a job in a way.
I kind of think any date is like an interview. W was even saying that on our last two dates. You're asking questions, trying to determine if the person is someone you could see yourself going out with again. It's kind of similar in some ways!
Ok I don't get it. Why does it hurt that your friend wants you to be happy and doesn't want to see you trying so hard to find it? From.what you've posted you date a lot. It seems like you're on a mission and outside of work and P, dating is primary in your life.
I could be totally reading it wrong and if so I'm sorry. I think your friend just wants you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself without working so hard at the goal of finding someone. Like maybe you'd have a better chance of finding someone good, if you weren't putting out the "my next major life goal is to find someone and I'm on a mission to do so" vibe. It seems like you are working as hard toward this now as you were toward your CFP test a while ago.
Again if I'm reading it wrong, I'm sorry and ignore me. I like you and want you to be happy.
I agree that I have posted RECENTLY about dates, as in the last month because there has been an influx since I've been doing match.
I disagree that my primary life goal is to find someone. My goal has been to pass my CFP exam, be a good mother, excel in my career, etc.
I also don't think that I'm "hell bent" on finding someone. I want to eventually find the right person, but I know that sometimes takes a really long time. I mainly get discouraged by disappointment after disappointment when I do date. It can get exhausting.
I think you're off base.
Ok. Fair enough. I'm wrong and haven't caught enough other posts and must have filtered wrong. I'm sorry.
I know your career and being a great mom to P are the most important things to you. I tried to acknowledge that in my post. I know you are great at both and hold yourself to very high standards in life and generally rock.
I hope you find the right guy and the process doesn't get you down in the process.
I agree that I have posted RECENTLY about dates, as in the last month because there has been an influx since I've been doing match.
I disagree that my primary life goal is to find someone. My goal has been to pass my CFP exam, be a good mother, excel in my career, etc.
I also don't think that I'm "hell bent" on finding someone. I want to eventually find the right person, but I know that sometimes takes a really long time. I mainly get discouraged by disappointment after disappointment when I do date. It can get exhausting.
I think you're off base.
Ok. Fair enough. I'm wrong and haven't caught enough other posts and must have filtered wrong. I'm sorry.
I know your career and being a great mom to P are the most important things to you. I tried to acknowledge that in my post. I know you are great at both and hold yourself to very high standards in life and generally rock.
I hope you find the right guy and the process doesn't get you down in the process.
Ok I don't get it. Why does it hurt that your friend wants you to be happy and doesn't want to see you trying so hard to find it? From.what you've posted you date a lot. It seems like you're on a mission and outside of work and P, dating is primary in your life.
I could be totally reading it wrong and if so I'm sorry. I think your friend just wants you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself without working so hard at the goal of finding someone. Like maybe you'd have a better chance of finding someone good, if you weren't putting out the "my next major life goal is to find someone and I'm on a mission to do so" vibe. It seems like you are working as hard toward this now as you were toward your CFP test a while ago.
Again if I'm reading it wrong, I'm sorry and ignore me. I like you and want you to be happy.
What?? Achase rarely dates compared to a lot of women here. Her posts are sometimes about men but often about family get togethers, time with P, xh drama and girls nights out. I think you're wayyyyy off base here
:Y: :Y: Uhhh, yeah. Achase has LATELY been dating, but before now, it was not often at all. She is way more focused on her exam/P/her XH's sobriety issues.
Friends do not like to hear this, but unless they have been through something very similar they really don't understand where you are in your life. Talk to her and hopefully she will have a better idea where you are coming from.
Ok I don't get it. Why does it hurt that your friend wants you to be happy and doesn't want to see you trying so hard to find it? From.what you've posted you date a lot. It seems like you're on a mission and outside of work and P, dating is primary in your life.
I could be totally reading it wrong and if so I'm sorry. I think your friend just wants you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself without working so hard at the goal of finding someone. Like maybe you'd have a better chance of finding someone good, if you weren't putting out the "my next major life goal is to find someone and I'm on a mission to do so" vibe. It seems like you are working as hard toward this now as you were toward your CFP test a while ago.
Again if I'm reading it wrong, I'm sorry and ignore me. I like you and want you to be happy.
I agree that I have posted RECENTLY about dates, as in the last month because there has been an influx since I've been doing match.
I disagree that my primary life goal is to find someone. My goal has been to pass my CFP exam, be a good mother, excel in my career, etc.
I also don't think that I'm "hell bent" on finding someone. I want to eventually find the right person, but I know that sometimes takes a really long time. I mainly get discouraged by disappointment after disappointment when I do date. It can get exhausting.
I think you're off base.
I respectfully disagree with explorer on this one, too.
I think you date in waves. Sometimes you have a few dates at a time, sometimes you haven't gone on a date in a while. Ultimately, it seems that you're open to dating because you want a real connection and a relationship that is perfect for you, so in the meantime you accept dates that could be a good opportunity to meet that person. You don't seem like someone who dates whoever is offering at all, either.
I do not see you as someone who's all about dating all the time, whatsoever. You've been VERY focused on your other goals in life and yes, in the meantime, you might date some guys.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 10, 2012 13:03:17 GMT -5
I don't think she needs to know how hurtful it was as much as she needs to know that she has become the very Smug Married caricature that was featured in Bridget Jones's Diary.
I don't think she needs to know how hurtful it was as much as she needs to know that she has become the very Smug Married caricature that was featured in Bridget Jones's Diary.
Haha, I actually used that term with her. I told her she'd turned into a "smug married" and was acting as if she had life all figured out.
People always think what worked for them is what is right and if something different isn't working for someone else that it = wrong. She was giving advice based on her experience, which is what most people do. I would tell her it hurt you though. Does she normally see things "her" way or is she open to different experiences?
IMO it's a pretty crappy thing to say considering a LOT of people meet online these days.
People always think what worked for them is what is right and if something different isn't working for someone else that it = wrong. She was giving advice based on her experience, which is what most people do. I would tell her it hurt you though. Does she normally see things "her" way or is she open to different experiences?
IMO it's a pretty crappy thing to say considering a LOT of people meet online these days.
I think she just doesn't understand because she hasn't had a lot of life experiences. She MAYBE dated a handful of times (and only first dates) in the three years she was single, before she met her H. She also never went away to college, never has lived anywhere but here, etc. She just has a bit more of a narrow view about life in general.
Why would she say you've never been alone, if you've been practically single since you and your XH ended things?
I guess she thinks I always have a guy "around" which isn't true. The only guy who's always been "around" is my sheriff friend and we don't even hang out that often, mainly just text or talk on the phone. He's a FRIEND.
When I was studying for my test I think I had one date (from April to November of 2011) and that was a one and done. I dated a bit after that and then had a brief relationship. But truely my relationships have NEVER lasted longer than six weeks and I've only had two or three of those the entire time. If I do date it's generally one (or two) and done.
I guess it's her impression, that I always have some guy I'm talking to, but really that's not the case at all.