am I being selfish?

[happycat]

My husband has a mother that has dementia. She lives with us and he takes care of her. He also has a teenage daughter that is graduating from high school in May. Prior to meeting me, he promised her a graduation gift: a trip to Europe with him. She has really been looking forward to it (she has been looking at hotels etc.). We are expecting a baby in February, so when they plan on taking this graduation trip in June, the baby will be 4 month old. At that time, I will also be back to work and my daily work commute averages about 2 hours. If he leaves for vacation, I will be taking care of 4 month old while working 45+ plus hours a week not to mention my nightmarish commute. I would also need to take care of daily needs for his mother (she needs to be fed, she is completely not rational, plus sometimes she has accidents etc.). I told him that I know that he promised his daughter this trip, but I cannot handle all this being thrown on me. I asked him to postpone a trip until the baby is older and/or we figured out alternative living arrangement for his mother. I know it will really upset his daughter but I don’t think I can physically handle this for 2 weeks while he sips wine in Paris.

[JakJak]

I don't think you're being selfish, that's a lot to take on with a little baby.

[Deleted]

It's two weeks. And what would happen if he got deployed or went TDY for 6 plus weeks? What is the plan then?

[Jam]

I think you're being selfish. It's only 2 weeks. I think it's important for him to not break his promise to his daughter.

Do you have friends that can help you a bit while they are gone? I think you need to put on some "BGP".

[basilosaurus]

It's not selfish to want that help in a normal situation, but it would be absolutely awful for you to get between him and his daughter for this major thing he's promised. How much would you be delaying it? A month would probably be fine, but I don't think think that solves it. Are you talking years? It sounds like it. And that would be a dick move.

Is there respite care available to deal with your MIL? What's the plan to deal with her while you're at work? If she is that untrustworthy that she requires so much care, it's not like you can leave her alone during the day.

[ggirl]

I get your frustration, but I think that instead of asking him to postpone the trip I would start looking at other options for his mother. It sounds like you will need alternative long term arrangements sooner rather than later based on what you described. I would tell him your concerns and start looking for those now. Like Sibil said, what's going to happen when you are at work? Or What if she gets worse by next June?

[blueshirt2003]

I wouldn't have him put the trip off. That'd be terrible. I think you'd do fine with a 4 month old but the concern lies with his mother, for sure. I'd look into alternate care for her.

[G22]

Oct 10, 2012 17:04:47 GMT -5 @lemonlover33 said:

It's two weeks. And what would happen if he got deployed or went TDY for 6 plus weeks? What is the plan then?

This.

[ilovelamp]

Oct 10, 2012 17:09:02 GMT -5 Stan said:

My dad made a lot of promises to me when I was younger that didn't come to fruition because of his wife. I get where you're coming from, I really do, but she will always blame you, and could never have the same relationship with either of you again. My stepmom drives my car. My 65 Mustang that was supposed to go to me at HS graduation...

I agree with this.

Op, i get where you are coming from, but it would be unfair to reschedule.

[hike]

Oct 10, 2012 17:04:47 GMT -5 @lemonlover33 said:

It's two weeks. And what would happen if he got deployed or went TDY for 6 plus weeks? What is the plan then?

Yeah this.

[basilosaurus]

You'll forever be known as the stepmom who had a shiny new baby and then ruined your step daughter's biggest excitement and took away her dad.

[beans]

I think finding a plan of action that will help you deal with a baby and his mother will probably be easier than dealing with the problems of having your H not go on this trip. How will SD react? Be resentful? This is a potentially polarizing situation where she could build resentments for the rest of your lives together of how her father chose his new wife over her. Can you deal with the fall out?

I mean, I totally get your point and your concerns. I think they are valid. But like others have said, there are more potential options than you are seeing right now.

[softspot]

Yes, you are. Postponing the trip a month won't make your stressors go away. If you absolutely can't handle it alone for 2 weeks then maybe ask if the trip can be shortened a few days.

[amaristella]

I certainly understand not wanting so much to take on for two weeks, but there has to be another option. My best advice, and I think someone else said it too is to hire some help. Maybe get a relative or a friend in to help you out? There has to be a way to make it work.

[livinitup]

Could he offer to pay for his daughter's bestfriend to go on the trip instead of him? Let her decide. Could be pretty tempting for the DD to go with her friend over her father.

[midnightmare81]

I totally see your side, and in a way I do think it is unfair that your H is laying it all on you. I also see the side where SD would resent you. I would think it would be best for everyone to get in home care for MIL while he is gone. That is way to much work for one person, when would you sleep? Personally I would do just that anyway if I could afford it. Even if its just a person who comes in a few hours a day to feed, clean, and give care for MIL.

Also, I see why the SD would resent you, but I think maybe postponing the trip a little bit would not be the end of the world if other alternatives cannot be made. Daughter still gets what she was promised, just not exactly when she planned. A new baby is a big deal, and sure enough of one to justify postponing a trip. Sometimes in life we dont get when we want how we want it. What if you waited until next year and everyone went (you, H, kiddos)?

[basilosaurus]

Oct 11, 2012 13:05:37 GMT -5 midnightmare81 said:

Also, I see why the SD would resent you, but I think maybe postponing the trip a little bit would not be the end of the world if other alternatives cannot be made. Daughter still gets what she was promised, just not exactly when she planned. A new baby is a big deal, and sure enough of one to justify postponing a trip. Sometimes in life we dont get when we want how we want it. What if you waited until next year and everyone went (you, H, kiddos)?

If you wait a year, it's not a graduation gift. Plus, who knows where she'd be a year past graduation. Is she going to college? Maybe she wants to take a summer class or go visit a friend or work. A year is too late.

Inviting a baby and stepmom (whom she probably resents now due to the delay and other upheaval of a new baby) on a father daughter trip would also be a dick move.

Is happycat going to come back at all?

[softspot]

Oct 11, 2012 14:33:32 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Is happycat going to come back at all?

No. I bet it was the wrong board too. It's a strange first post.

[ilovelamp]

Oct 11, 2012 12:45:39 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Could he offer to pay for his daughter's bestfriend to go on the trip instead of him? Let her decide. Could be pretty tempting for the DD to go with her friend over her father.

I think this is a terrible idea.

[Jam]

Oct 11, 2012 14:52:15 GMT -5 softspot said:

Oct 11, 2012 14:33:32 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Is happycat going to come back at all?

No. I bet it was the wrong board too. It's a strange first post.

I thought the same thing. I think it was meant for ML or something lol

[NomadicMama]

Nothing like asking your DH to choose between his "old" family and his "new" family.

If keeping a long standing promise to his 17 year old daughter by taking her to Europe for two weeks is too much for you to handle, I'm afraid that you are going to find being a wife AND mother a very daunting task.

BTW, did you intentionally post on this on Military Families? You know, a group of ladies who would *love* it if their husbands were gone for *only* two weeks. My family recently moved to Germany, you know, a foreign country where we don't speak the language, and DH deployed three months later. His orders are for 365 days.

ETA: I know that taking care of a newborn/infant alone is difficult. I gave birth while DH was deployed in 2009. Our LO was nine months old when DH redeployed. Granted, I was not working outside the home (I've found it difficult to find employment since we move so frequently--on average every 13 months for the past six years).

I know that I am coming across as sanctimonious. Caring for your MIL has got to be challenging. But promises made to children are important and there are supports available to assist families caring for family members who have such conditions. Two weeks is not the end of the world. And if your commute is that much of a nightmare, that's not your stepdaughter's fault and should not be a reason (or part of the reason) for her to have to miss the promised trip with her dad.

[prettyinpink]

I can tell you that choosing you , or siding with you over his daughter is a bad bad idea. My SIL's father did this to her and she ended up homeless her later year of HS. He didn't come to her wedding and even though she tries she is super resentful of her step mother. Just suck it up and make plans now for help.

[NomadicMama]

Oct 11, 2012 19:09:29 GMT -5 Stan said:

I'm going to say that I agree with everything in your post, except this. I don't think this is fair if she's not a military spouse. For people who don't deal with separations all the time, two weeks with all the other stuff going on for her is a lot. H is gone for 6/7 weeks right now, he's completely safe, not getting shot at, etc. and it's harder than his deployment because I'm dealing with a lot of other stuff. For a civilian family, separation isn't normal, and they're allowed to have trouble with it. I still maintain that her H should go, I just don't think it's fair to put her in her place in this way so to speak, just because we're mil families, kwim?

And yeah, I think she misposted here.

I do understand that we are special snowflakes as mil-families--that's why I added my ETA. But, two weeks really is not the end of the world, IMO. And, mistake or not, she did post on MF. Any other board and I would not have been heavy handed at all. I get that being apart, if not the norm, under unusual circumstances (such as her MIL's condition) is hard. But, they've got eight months to make a plan for the MIL and to get supports in place to help with the baby while the DH is away.

I am 41 years old. When my parents said that they were coming to stay with me while DH was away, we started talking about potential trips. I said that the one place that I really want to visit with them was Paris. I would be upset, even at my age, if my folks backed out of our trip because of this kind of excuse. (FWIW, they did not back out. We leave in about a week. They even booked a dinner at the Eiffel Tower for us.).

I was also feeling a bit surly last night. This deployment is hard. Really hard. And I, admittedly, was having trouble feeling much compassion for the OP.

[YellowRose]

Oct 12, 2012 3:46:41 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

I was also feeling a bit surly last night. This deployment is hard. Really hard. And I, admittedly, was having trouble feeling much compassion for the OP.

((HUGS)), M. You know where to find me.

[NomadicMama]

Oct 12, 2012 7:48:14 GMT -5 YellowRose said:

Oct 12, 2012 3:46:41 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

I was also feeling a bit surly last night. This deployment is hard. Really hard. And I, admittedly, was having trouble feeling much compassion for the OP.

((HUGS)), M. You know where to find me.

Thanks! My folks are here now, so the surl is decreasing.

[happycat]

I apologize but I posted this on the wrong board. I meant to post this on married life board as we are not a military family.

[beans]

Oct 15, 2012 9:42:49 GMT -5 happycat said:

I apologize but I posted this on the wrong board. I meant to post this on married life board as we are not a military family.

well, that doesn't mean our advice/opinion was not valid. Did you at least read the responses? Are you going to repost somewhere else?

[doombunny]

I don't think you're being selfish at all, but it was a planned trip. Telling the young graduate her father can't do it would be horribly disappointing to her.

I'd say a compromise must be reached. If he can afford a trip to Europe, he can probably afford to purchase the services of a temporary nurse. Maybe not even a live-in nurse, but one that spends a portion of the day in your home. Or he could hire a family member to help out, if you have family that could do certain jobs.

I don't think getting a little help at home would be too much to ask if you let them go on their trip. Good luck. ^_^