Single parenting group

[DirtyMartini]

Has anyone done this? My DH and I live togehter, but are separated and sleep in different rooms. We still live together for financial reasons, as well as sticking out the lease. I know this is a bad idea, but it is what *works* for us right now.

We have two kids. I work full-time, come home clean the house, play with them, get them ready for bed, and most nights fall asleep at the same time as my daughter, as I lay in her bed watching movies or whatnot. I guess this is all irrelevant, but thought I should share some backstory. Basically, I have little time for myself. DH plays video games, goes to the gym regularly, and goes out 1-2 times a week.

He has stated that he is depressed, and fine, whatever, he still has a family to tend to. He is looking into a doctor about these issues, but refuses to go back to counseling, thinks our marriage is "unfixable."

So, I kind of feel alone. All of my close friends are married. We have regular playdates in the afternoon (when their husbands are still at work) but when I want to do other things with the kids like in the evening or the weekends, I tend to do them alone (apple picking, pumpkin picking, zoo, parade, etc) Although, I love it, it can be lonely and frustrating.

Has anyone been part of a group where you learn to deal with this, met others in your same situation, etc?

Any advice would be great. Thanks

[doriswe]

Not meant to be snarky, but why can't you and your kiddos just go do things? Why must it be in groups? It's going to be what you make it....if you go into things with "woe is me, I'm alone" that's how it will be....if you go into things with "cool, a new adventure for me and LOs" the whole experience will be different.

[DirtyMartini]

Doris- I totally get what you are saying. And we do do this all of the time, go and do things I mean. And I love it. I love the fact that the kids are having fun, that I get to experience all of this stuff with them. It is exhilerating to me. I guess, maybe I asked the wrong question. I don't know, when our marriage was still "in tact" I didn't feel alone doing these things. Now that I know that we are separated, I do feel a bit lonely, not necessairly "woe is me," but just sad, in general.

Gah! This whole separation thing is new and I don't even know how to wrap my mind around it!

[doriswe]

I think you just need time to adjust to your new "normal". It sucks because you thought things were going to be a certain way and now they're not.

I'd also say living together probably doesn't help this adjustment

[heavenly]

Oct 12, 2012 10:01:18 GMT -5 DirtyMartini said:

Doris- I totally get what you are saying. And we do do this all of the time, go and do things I mean. And I love it. I love the fact that the kids are having fun, that I get to experience all of this stuff with them. It is exhilerating to me. I guess, maybe I asked the wrong question. I don't know, when our marriage was still "in tact" I didn't feel alone doing these things. Now that I know that we are separated, I do feel a bit lonely, not necessairly "woe is me," but just sad, in general.

Gah! This whole separation thing is new and I don't even know how to wrap my mind around it!

It takes time to know someone and when you've been together for some time , it also take time adjusting to being alone and apart. You are going through a big change and it is okay to feel sad and you will have good days, bad days and days where you just feel blah. Try not to be hard on your self and keep your focus on what is important one day at a time. (hugs)

[stephbfan]

I would love to be part of a group of single parents. Yeah, I have been doing it alone for the past 4 years and thats's my normal but to meet people who can relate could be cool.

Also try to find a group that doesn't involve your kids. I think at first its hard to separate your identity from being a mom so working out or joining something that you enjoy, its a great thing for you.

For how long do you have to live with your ex?

[DirtyMartini]

We are going to live in the house til June, when the lease is up. In that time, while our finances are still pooled, we will get two new (to us) cars because we need another 4 door, and the other one is on its last leg. Right now it seems like the most logical, albeit hardest, thing to do.
He is a firefighter so he is done for 24 hours so there is usually a good chunk of time I don't see him anyway.

Yeah, finding a new "normal" is going to be hard, especially since I am an emotional wreck right now!

[doriswe]

I'm gonna be honest...surrounding yourself with other single moms might not be the best idea right this very second. While I would guess they could share some amazing stories, I think you'll get wayyyyy too many horror stories about being a single mom and it sounds like you have enough on your plate right now.

I agree with steph about finding something non-kid related....as a single mom, it's really hard to be anything but "mom" or "employee" so having some other stuff in your life is really important. I love my kids, but I need me time to keep sane!

[sacattack]

I totally get what you are saying and I have been exactly where you are. I lived with my ex for a while after we decided to divorced but we immediately separated the finances and just lived as roommates equally contributing to the household expenses.

Anyway, look for a single parent group on a meetup site - I agree things can be alot more fun when there is another adult there to talk with. Plus I'm always up for meeting new people and having for friends!

The other thing I wanted to add was, when we lived together we split the time with the kids and identified who was responsible for what days so we could have a little personal time. Very often on the weekdays we'd both be around but on the weekends whoever didn't have the kids would leave.

[formerlyak]

I would seriously look for a way to move out before June. I lived with my ex for 2 months for financial reasons and it was a horrible mistake. It doesn't allow you time to adjust to your new life. It confuses the kids. And, it sounds like you are doing everything anyway, so it doesn't give you a chance to have a break.

[becwheat]

Remember when you are with your kids you are never alone. If your H is not going along with you then that is his loss.

I know it is a big adjustment and for now you are still having to see eachother every day though you are not together.... that sucks, but do not let it hold you back.

PS- Are you living in Ohio? I see you are a fellow OSU fan

[formerlyknownasefl]

Oct 12, 2012 10:07:44 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think you just need time to adjust to your new "normal". It sucks because you thought things were going to be a certain way and now they're not.

I'd also say living together probably doesn't help this adjustment

This. I'd find a way to get out and start moving on.