At risk of a mommy war - new study about SAHMs

[karinothing]

moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/18/11758916-stay-at-home-moms-more-depressed-than-working-moms-study-finds?lite

I don't think this is surprising. I will say that while I enjoyed my 6 months home I don't think I could have done it without friends and mommy groups. I was lucky that I had 5 other friends on maternity leave at the same time and live in an area with many very active mom groups (not to mention bars that have stroller happy hours, mom and me movies, and multiple mom and me classes). Granted all that stuff was with my kid, but it made staying at home a blast.

I always think it is interesting that areas with very high SAH populations (Like my husband's home town in TX) have zero mom and me activites and where I live SAH is pretty rare and there is a TON to do. I mean I get part of it comes down to wealth, but I don't know why more places don't at least have mommy and me movies.

[pugz]

yeah this doesn't really surprise me, I'm sure many women feel isolated. Also if their financial situation is tight that could also lend itself to depression I would think.

I plan to stay on my zoloft and join some mom groups and hang out here with you guys

[MamaMaui24]

The Bump actually sponsors a monthly bring your baby matinee. I loved it so much while on maternity leave, I took a vacation day to go in June!

pregnant.thebump.com/bring-your-baby.aspx?MsdVisit=1

[Girls Own Love]

I WAH for a majority of the time, and not full time. I'm spoiled, I know.

However, I found that in the beginning I was very depressed, and what I think contributed to that was the fact that I stayed in pj's, had no routine, didn't make it a point to get out and about, and didn't make time to interact with other adults. I make it a point to do these things, and I notice a huge difference. I wish there were more mommy and me activities around here, but I make do.

I love being a SAHM, and I hope to not have to give it up for a long time.

[karinothing]

May 21, 2012 9:33:10 GMT -5 MamaMaui24 said:

The Bump actually sponsors a monthly bring your baby matinee. I loved it so much while on maternity leave, I took a vacation day to go in June!

pregnant.thebump.com/bring-your-baby.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Yeah these are fun! I went to a bunch, but now the kid is too old and doesn't want to sit nicely and watch the movie ha ha. But I know they aren't in every town.

I really did have a lot of fun on my maternity leave. My neighbor had a baby born on the same day and almost every day we hung out (plus DC has a ton of free stuff to do which is great).

[chessie]

I can see this, but on the flip side there are a lot of support groups, mommy groups out there to help SAHP's out. Working parents don't have this at all, your just suppose work, do the household thing and keep your mouth shut. This can make you just as depressed on the flip side I would imagine.

[dcrunnergirl]

I agree--this isn't surprising. I couldn't wait to go back to work b/c the isolation was killing me. Even this morning, I was so happy to be able to go to my desk and drink my coffee without my two (very lovely and adorable) whiney toddlers at my feet. I would make a terrible SAHM. However, I think I'd be even happier if I could just work 3-4 days/week, just like the article suggests, and have a bit more time with the kids and/or to get stuff done so we didn't have to spend the weekend doing errands and chores.

[karinothing]

May 21, 2012 9:37:09 GMT -5 chessie said:

I can see this, but on the flip side there are a lot of support groups, mommy groups out there to help SAHP's out. Working parents don't have this at all, your just suppose work, do the household thing and keep your mouth shut. This can make you just as depressed on the flip side I would imagine.

I do think this is a good point. It sucks that most of the activities are during the week.

[Deleted]

For me, it has gotten a lot better and easier as the kids have gotten older. They go to preschool and summer camp now, which gives me a bit of a break most days. They also do their own activities now without me having to go in with them and I have found it easier to meet and get to know other moms when we're all just sitting around in the waiting room watching rather than participating.

My experience with SAH with only one baby was that it was hard and isolating, even though we did do a couple of classes a week. This is why I initially went back to work for a while.

[ECB]

During "snowpacolypse" in 2010 I was basically stuck at home for a week w/ DS. DH got home a little during that time, but it was a LOT of just me and DS time - and I really didn't enjoy it. I lived in the city at the time, so I was able to at least walk to the store and be "out" a little. But by and large.... I can totally see how SAHM's may be depressed if they don't have some kind of support network/structure/ things to do.

[drloretta]

LOL, I'm the odd man out. I became a complete and utter homebody when DD was tiny, and I loved not having to get in the car to go to work, or do much of anything other than household stuff.

That said, it is nice to live somewhere now where we have a lot of opportunities to get out, both for her sake and mine.

[bunch]

There is a reason that I leave the house at least once every single day.

[megs193]

I was definitely depressed for the first few months of my son's life. None of my friends had kids so we had no one to hang out with and we spent most of our time at home. Thankfully my mom and my husband recognized this and we joined gymboree. I made a ton of new friends and suddenly had something to do each day. I feel 1,000% better now that I am busy and have support. I am lucky that we can afford for me and my son to do different activities. If things were tight financially I would be miserable.

[Deleted]

I was depressed on ML and again when I was home for 4 months afte I was laid off. But of course, I was laid off, so I do attribute some depression to that. I also was not on my meds since I was BFing, which also played a role.

I too live in an area where many, many moms work but there do seem to be a lot of mommy and me things, many of which cost money. I was starting to get involved in a moms group before I went back to work.

That being said, being a full time SAHM wasn't for me. Thats fine if some moms like to go to gymboree and library story time as their daily social activities, but its not for me. I don't mind it every now and then, but I didn't like it every day. Also, DD watched a lot more tv when I was home.

[h]

Hmm, I was really happy both times I was on maternity leave, mostly because I loved getting to actually see my friends. I feel like my job is isolating in the sense that it keeps me from having much time to socialize with my friends, family, and DH. My friends that are SAHMs are having lunch together constantly. I, OTOH, am holed up in my office alone writing legal briefs. I do think the lack of career fulfillment might get to me if I were to SAH long term, though.

[SusanBAnthony]

Totally agree with the article that working pt is the best of both worlds.

I actually got offered a pt job, and we would have lost money after paying child care but I was thinking about taking it to have something to do. But when I looked hard at my schedule I decided not to. We are busy every day, doing stuff that the kids and I enjoy. Monday we have gymnastics. Tues I go to the gym in the morning. We'd music class. Thurs gym. Friday gymnastics for the other kid, and I exercise (the kids classes are at the Y). In the afternoons we either run errands or go to the park. It is a pretty nice, relaxing life, IMO! But if I had no money to pay for all that stuff, or I had a tendency to let myself get isolated, then yah, it would be horrible.

[karinothing]

May 21, 2012 12:31:11 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Even with a ton of stuff to do, some days are still boring as all hell.

Most classes are only 30 minutes, DD still gets cranky if naps run late, and goong to lunc his easy with 3 babies-3 toddlers and fazzled moms, not so much.

And i do sometimes feel like i dont get much accomplished-i washed a load of clothes(couldnt fold because missy is intoeverything, met with the painter, and sent off some bills. Yay.

I am excited that my teacher buddies are going to be off soon, and that our house will soon be ready for entertaining. I think that will make a big difference.

She has an awesome babysitter lined up for fulltime in Aug when I go back to teaching. Im excited to be bringing in a paycheck again, and glad that she will soend the day with a baby her age going to story time, parks, and the childrens museum.

Im tired of singing itsy bitsy spider 10x/day. Lol

Ha, yeah the nap thing was rough. It worked out well for my friend and I because we just planned to get somewhere right at nap time and the kids always fell asleep in the stroller for 2 hours (then we got mom time ha ha).

[Deleted]

“I didn’t find it shocking at all,” says Today.com contributor Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist. “There have been studies that suggest the happiest women are women who have kids and can work part time and have a bit more flexibility over their schedule.”

This is me and I"m not happy. I feel like I not doing work or child rearing well. Maybe it makes a difference that I live in an area with a lot of SAH.

[Willis Jackson]

Whenever I see a big group of moms and kids out to lunch, I thank baby Jesus that I'm not with them. It's chaos. Just chaos.

[Deleted]

I SAHM for years & some of them were very rough. Now I WOH part-time & loved it until recently when DD3 started hating daycare. I will say having a 0,2 & 4yr old vs. A 3, 5 & 7 yr old is completely different and 100xs easier/funner for me.

[karinothing]

May 21, 2012 13:18:50 GMT -5 @septimus said:

“I didn’t find it shocking at all,” says Today.com contributor Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist. “There have been studies that suggest the happiest women are women who have kids and can work part time and have a bit more flexibility over their schedule.”

This is me and I"m not happy. I feel like I not doing work or child rearing well. Maybe it makes a difference that I live in an area with a lot of SAH.

I feel like it makes a difference that you WAH. It is almost like you are a full time SAHM plus you work (since you have to do kid stuff throughout the day).

[barefootcontessa]

I SAH with a bunch of littles and also have a small consulting business. Sure it gets tiring and draining sometime, but I am never bored and am never depressed. If you do not like SAH, then get a job, or do something different. I do not get why people keep doing something if it is making them unhappy.

[Deleted]

May 21, 2012 17:15:09 GMT -5 karinothing said:

May 21, 2012 13:18:50 GMT -5 @septimus said:

“I didn’t find it shocking at all,” says Today.com contributor Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist. “There have been studies that suggest the happiest women are women who have kids and can work part time and have a bit more flexibility over their schedule.”

This is me and I"m not happy. I feel like I not doing work or child rearing well. Maybe it makes a difference that I live in an area with a lot of SAH.

I feel like it makes a difference that you WAH. It is almost like you are a full time SAHM plus you work (since you have to do kid stuff throughout the day).

I agree...I hated WAH. So when I decided I would work, I always knew it'd be out in an office. I wanted to get away from home, housework & kids under my feet as much as I wanted $$.

[bronxgirl]

I work 3 days a week and I agree that it's the best of both worlds. I would also be happy SAH (I think) if we could afford it, as well as also being able to afford activities. When I had more time at home and a lot of my mom friends were home I was actually pretty busy and never felt isolated.

[froggy76]

I felt very isolated on ML, but I didn't have any friends who SAH so I just hung around the house. It was also winter, so we didn't even go outside for walks very often. Since being at home was a temporary situation, I didn't try to find any activities (although I also didn't want to with a fussy newborn who nursed most of the day). I like to think that I'd find some social activities if I were a SAHM, but I'm kind of a homebody, so I'm not sure I would.

[ilikedonuts]

May 21, 2012 9:51:33 GMT -5 drloretta said:

LOL, I'm the odd man out. I became a complete and utter homebody when DD was tiny, and I loved not having to get in the car to go to work, or do much of anything other than household stuff.

That said, it is nice to live somewhere now where we have a lot of opportunities to get out, both for her sake and mine.

I'm a total homebody too and LOVE it. We go to Little Gym once a week and I can go hang out with my mom if I get bored, but sometimes we don't leave our house/yard for days. I have a couple of friends that work part time and I rarely see them.

Now that its summer, we'll probably get out more though.

[jena]

I feel isolated and depressed when I WAH. I work p/t, but I choose to drive into the office to do it. Otherwise it sucks. I did not feel isolated and depressed being a SAHM once I had a moms group. But if you don't have a group that you click with, then SAH can suck too.

[everam01]

I confess, this is one of the main reasons that I wanted to continue to work. I do enjoy my job, but I also know my personality and know I would slowly go mad if I didn't work. I don't have the motivation or organization to make sure I would get out of the house every day if I was a SAHM.

[madladybride]

May 21, 2012 20:39:46 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

I felt very isolated on ML, but I didn't have any friends who SAH so I just hung around the house. It was also winter, so we didn't even go outside for walks very often. Since being at home was a temporary situation, I didn't try to find any activities (although I also didn't want to with a fussy newborn who nursed most of the day). I like to think that I'd find some social activities if I were a SAHM, but I'm kind of a homebody, so I'm not sure I would.

This sounds like me & my ML. DD was a preemie, too and I had to use a nipple shield to nurse her, so I didn't feel like dealing with the hassle of that.

I hope I would participate in mom's groups. However, if I was a SAHM, I'd have to do free-stuff only.

[whitepicketfence]

As a SAHM, if we don't get out of the house at least once a day, I completely lose it. There are some days that I love SAH and other days where I really miss working.