Can you get over hating a friend's SO?

[justjen]

*poof*

Thanks for the advice all... It's frustrating to watch someone settle for less than they deserve... I appreciate all your stories and feedback.

[cjeanette]

There is nothing wrong with you not liking him and still being supportive to her.

[winnied]

Don't say anything. It never helps and she'll only resent you further.

[Susie]

That is a tough situation. One of my BFFs is dating a guy I'm neutral on (at best), and I can go with the flow on that. But someone I disliked as much as you describe? That'd be hard.

Calvin has a friend who did something similarly gross. I don't make any secret (to Calvin) of hating this guy. Unfortunately, Calvin knew the guy long before the lapse in judgment, whereas it was my first impression of him (it was ongoing when I met him). I don't think my opinion of him will ever recover, but I can just refrain from hanging out with that friend.

My usual strategy when I don't like a friend's bf is not say anything negative, but ask questions that cause her to say it herself. That usually only works when the relationship is not on the upswing though.

[CallingAllAngels]

I have had two friends in similar situations. For me, it got easier with time.

[Deleted]

Yes, I can and have. You just limit your time with him and support her. Don't mention it until she does or asks.

[mrshandy]

I think this relationship will run its course. It's not like they are planning a wedding or anything. I would just be supportive of HER. This guy sounds like bad news and she'll need a person to talk to when she starts to figure this out.

[raangoli]

I think you can, but I think it will take time. Maybe when he begins to treat her more as his girlfriend rather than a secret, that might help. I am sure that it is because you want better for your friend than what she seems to have now.

[Pom]

Oct 17, 2012 15:13:41 GMT -5 raangoli said:

I think you can, but I think it will take time. Maybe when he begins to treat her more as his girlfriend rather than a secret, that might help. I am sure that it is because you want better for your friend than what she seems to have now.

This is exactly what I thought. You want better for your friend and maybe things will change down the road.

[So_Fetch]

If you figure it out, let me know. My problem is that I find it difficult to be a good friend to someone who doesn't respect herself enough to recognize when a man is a piece of crap (especially when he's proven it to her so clearly). My way around it is to agree to disagree and to not discuss.

[sporky]

Similar predicament here and no good advice to give. In fact, no one likes this particular friend's husband because he's a total asshole. Unfortunately, he is also controlling, manipulative, and borderline psychologically abusive- meaning he's pushed her away from her family and friends. As it is, there's now a huge wedge between us, and I'm not sure that we'll ever be able to get back to where we were.

[MadamePresident]

Oct 17, 2012 15:10:12 GMT -5 Susie said:

My usual strategy when I don't like a friend's bf is not say anything negative, but ask questions that cause her to say it herself. That usually only works when the relationship is not on the upswing though.

I agree with this and have used it in the past. If they do end up getting married, I feel like you just have to accept it and realize she has made her choice.

[hamster]

I've had more than one friendship dissipate because of their relationships. It's not really my feelings towards the guy, it's more that I think less of my friend's for their choices.

[Deleted]

My best friend was in a 7 year relationship (including a year of marriage) with a godawful person. She even moved to Europe with him.

It was tough -- he was terrible to me from day 1, and was incredibly rude to my friends from day 2, and controlled my friend the whole time. We grew apart during that time because we never saw each other even though we lived near each other for the first 2 years of their relationship. But he always demanded that she spend time with his friends and his family instead of hers, and she can be pretty laid-back about that stuff (and, frankly, he was very wealthy and I think she liked the lifestyle that came along with that), so she went along with it. It was a shame, and it made me sad, but I always figured that I'm a big girl and can hold my own around someone being mean to me, so as long as he was good to her I could deal with him. I just wanted her to be happy.

Well, as it turns out he wasn't good to her -- he was emotionally, verbally, and in rare instances, physically abusive of her. They went through counseling and he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. When the counselor basically told her that it was very unlikely that he'd ever be anything but a narcissist, she separated from him. They're now divorced, and she's with an awesome guy who I like very much. So all's well that ends well.

And, interestingly, the way the ex treated me and her father were big topics during counseling. Apparently those with NPD are quick to pick people who threaten them and belittle them to keep them in their place.

[marylou]

My BFF just married a guy that I'm really not a fan of. I know he's emotionally abusive, and I sometimes wonder if he's also physically abusive. She has a special needs son (whose father died in a car crash a few years ago) which makes the situation just that much worse.

I didn't speak to her for 2 years because I didn't agree with the relationship and was trying to make a point that apparently didn't stick/matter. We've been best friends since we were little, though, so when they got engaged she still called me to be a bridesmaid. I agreed, and slowly had to learn to deal with him, since he obviously wasn't going anywhere.

I actually hate myself a little bit for not being there for her during those two years. It strained our relationship and accomplished nothing. I try to be there for her as much as I can now, because obviously she needs good support in her life. I hate pretending I don't want to strangle him at get togethers, though. It's very difficult.

So I guess my point is...just try to be there for her. He'll probably put her through a lot more over the course of their relationship, and she'll need a good friend who she isn't afraid to talk to about it. Try not to be judgmental so she can make the right decisions on her own.

[bunnysmom]

You can be supportive of HER and also I'd try to be a trustworthy person who she can come to if she starts experiencing some problems with this guy.