s/o Transition to 2 kids when 1st is stepchild

[glitzy07]

As I mentioned in a previous post, DH and I are planning to TTC around July-ish. DH currently has a 6-year-old son who we have joint custody of and he is with us just under 50% of the time.

Anybody else been in a situation where they're transitioning from one "part time" SS/SD to a "full time" child together? DH has been ready for more kids for a while now, but I'm a bit younger than him and needed a little more time to wrap my head around it.

We love having SS, and DH would have him full time if he could, but I told DH that it's still going to be a transition for us to go from being "part-time" parents who can go out on a Friday night, to full time parents with a school-aged child as well.

Any suggestions for how to make the transition easy, not only on us, but especially on SS who will be at least 7-years-old once he has a sibling?

On a somewhat related topic, it is also VERY important to me that my SS doesn't feel any less loved (by me specifically since I'm the step-mom, but in general because he's not with us all the time), just because we have another child of our own. Luckily we're in a unique situation where I have been in his life since before he was born, so I'm hoping that helps more than if I had come into his life when he was older. I've always loved him as if he were my own. (Side note: no, I promise I'm not a home wrecker, but it's a long story).

End ramble.

[Deleted]

Ideally you'll have a girl... so he doesn't feel replaced.

It is a rough transition. SD loved her brother, but also didn't understand why I wouldn't carry her backpack home from school, yet would push his stroller. You have to make sure your SS still feels important.

[glitzy07]

May 21, 2012 13:56:19 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Ideally you'll have a girl... so he doesn't feel replaced.

It is a rough transition. SD loved her brother, but also didn't understand why I wouldn't carry her backpack home from school, yet would push his stroller. You have to make sure your SS still feels important.

That's definitely something that I've been thinking about for a long time, years before we even got married, and will be an important focus for me. DH says he knows that I'll probably feel differently about "my own" children, but also says that he knows I won't let SS see that. He thinks it will likely be feeling just the bond of carrying my own child, BFing, etc.

I just want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to make SS feel involved in the whole process, and to know that it doesn't change his relationship with either his dad or me. My other (possibly) irrational worry is that his mom and stepdad apparently don't plan to have more kids, so I really don't want him to feel like he's getting more attention at their house than ours, just because he's their sole focus.

Being a good stepmom sure is hard!

[schrodinger]

DH has two girls (8 & 6) that we have about half the time as well. This question comes up a lot on the Blended Families board. I think that feelings of replacement are pretty common with kids, but more magnified in blended families. I think getting them as involved in the pregnancy as much as they want to be (suggestions for names, outfit to wear home from the hospital, helping with the nursery, etc) can help. We talk a lot about "family" and what it means and how it changes.

Once the new baby is here, we plan to set up a regular schedule of "Dad and SD" time where they get to have some one-on-one time with their father.

I too struggle with how our relationship is going to change. I think one thing I'm excited for is that lots of our friends have offered to babysit.

[justfroggy]

My SS was 7 when DS was born. Same situation, we get him half the time. I was in the same quandary as you...wanted to make sure I was still the "mom" he knew (I've been with DH since SS was 2). We got him involved from the beginning. We let him know we wanted to have another kid, but made sure to leave out the part about "our own" so that he still felt like part of our family. When we found out we were pregnant, we made sure he was the first to know. He went with us to find out the sex and went with me to a couple other appointments as well. We asked for his input on names. He was there in the hospital while I was in labor (except when it came time to push). And even now, 3 years later, he's still super involved. We even set times where he can spend time just one on one with DH, me one on one, and just DH and I together. Honestly, it's been great and I have never heard him say anything about feeling replaced.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well.